One Angry Girl

I'm back, after moving furniture for a solid week. I love the new house and generally everything is going great..

Except..

Except today I am ready to effing kill something because my last nerve has been trampled and I want to SCREAM at people, "For the love of god STFU and let me answer one question before you ask me 14 more.."

I wish I were oblivious to people who try and snow me into thinking that they care what I have to say. I wish they'd all just stop talking at me. Or at least slow it down to, say, two per day. That would make my life a lot easier.

And then there's the ongoing saga with my mother.. I talked to her today, and she sounded like she was on her last leg, but with a good dose of that whiny, tired-4-year-old tone. I told her to let me know when she had to be out in Arkansas for her pre-surgery appointment, that I could try to go with her, but whatever happened, I was not available on the week of the 10th. I have court that week.

SO OF FRIKKIN COURSE, when does she schedule the appointment? The 12th. The day of my court hearing. Has it ever occurred to her to say, no, that's not a good time and ask for another date? Of course not! Never! And then I feel like crap because I can't even say maybe I could do it, because I already told her I can't possibly do ANYTHING else that week. And it's not like the court system is willing to reschedule.

Then she asked me to look up flights for her, all of which were over $300 per person, whereupon she almost fainted and said they'd better drive. The thought of them driving there again makes my stomach hurt.. they're a danger to everyone on the roads, including and especially themselves.. and the thought of being trapped in a car with all of them for 10 hours one way makes me want to shoot myself in the head.

As do some of the situations I have to deal with at work today. Jeezus, people, it's called spell check, and it doesn't require a PhD or a phone call to me to be able to use it! And furthermore, I don't care what your problem is, I can't work miracles and I don't have the authority to change local, state, or federal laws because you want to do something you're not allowed to do with your grant money. Want to point the finger at someone for your stupid mistakes? Look in the mirror.

/rant

Ok, back to the mosh pit with me.. one down and 14 to go...

Music and Random Thoughts

List time again:

1) I have discovered www.pandora.com and man is it cool.

2) I have work to do. Not at work, as usual. I have music to write, and I need to work on it more. I have been as usual putting my own interests behind everything else.. especially with the move coming up. And I tend to let my music slide when things are going well and I am happy. I am not willing to accept that.. the idea that I can either be miserable 90% of the time and be a songwriter or be happy and stop the music. Doesn't work for me.

I've kind of set out on a new project these last few weeks with a new friend from the band, and he's pushing me in a musical direction that I've never considered before. This is a good thing. More about that later.

3) We closed on the house yesterday. Very soon we will be moving in, and that's an excellent thing.

4) Been thinking, too.. I think sometimes I psych myself out. For instance, relationships.. I think sometimes those of us with imaginative/creative talent tend to build up a fantasy ideal amid our yearning for that elusive thing (whatever it is, but usually a certain type of relationship that we want so much). The problem arises when our imagination is so much better than the real thing and no one could possibly live up to the dream. So while we have something wonderful, we still feel sad because our ideal doesn't exist.. and some part of us refuses to believe that the ideal doesn't exist.

Somehow you're always looking for it around the next corner, or expecting to somehow be able to bring that elusive perfection out in our current lives or relationships or whatever.

I think I do that. I think I've never been objective enough. I get tired of feeling the way I feel, though, and I get tired of nobody getting it. It's not a crisis by any means, just more randomness from the dustier recesses of my brain.

And now I gotta get back to work..

Out Thru De Windoze, In Thru De Doe, Nobody Reads Mah Blog No Mo

The highly anticipated yard sale did not come to fruition today, as the newspaper for some reason neglected to print my ad. So, I have a week's worth of work sitting out in the garage, organized, priced, and set up.. but of course nobody would come to a yard sale that they didn't know about.

So I have to do this again next week. Great.

The week after that, we will be moving into our new house. That will be fun. Exhausting, but fun. Can't wait until they open the pool..

In other news, there is no other news except that I am feeling a little better, though still coughing a bit. Last night we went to a birthday party for my friend A, which was fun, but I couldn't drink because of the meds.. so that was the only disappointment.

And now there's really nothing left to do. I've worked on music, I've cleaned, I've done laundry, and we've packed what can be packed before the actual move.. so, more internet surfing and book reading I guess. Meh.

I am Allergic to the Entire World

Oh. My. God.
My throat and my lungs burn every time I inhale. I don't know if it is something in the house (we have been moving furniture and stirring up dust) or something in the outside air (everything is blooming early) but this is HELL.

HELL, I TELL YOU!!!! ARRRGH!

I am miserable enough to have been mean to L tonight. He called me out on it immediately, so of course I felt even crappier for being a beeyotch. It's not like he deserved it or anything.

But I cant BREATHE! And I'm ITCHING!!! This SUCKS!!!

I wonder if I have used the all caps key enough yet.. My ears hurt, my face itches, my eyes are burning, my throat is sore and I HATE THIS. I am going to get some sort of injection tomorrow, if I can get into the doctor's office. I am of a good mind to just show up and camp out in the office until he can squeeze me into his schedule.

I haven't been this miserable in quite some time. I had to skip band practice tonight, too. :( And I will have to skip NSAI tomorrow night, as well. Meh. :( :( My keyboard cannot make a frowny-enough face! Grrrr!

GRRRR!

..hack. hack. cough cough cough hack wheeze...

Movin Out

Last night we went to see "Movin Out" at the Peace Center. I got the tickets for L's birthday.. third row.. best damn seats in the house. It was unbelievably cool! We had a great dinner, then went to a nice restaurant nearby the Center for drinks before the show. The show was amazing. It was all dance, with a live band performing Billy Joel's songs.. the dance and the music told the story.. if you ever get a chance to see it, GO! It was outstanding.

Then we came home and had incredible sex, before going to sleep thinking about our big move, which started today.

This morning I woke up with my allergies in full swing, nose bleeding, sore throat, utterly miserable. L went to the drug store for me and got some decongestant, which was a very good thing. I took that and went to work, breaking down the bed in the guest room, taking apart the entertainment center, and loading them all into the storage containers we had delivered yesterday afternoon.

The deal is that we pack up the trailers, then the company moves them to our new house, and we then unpack them. Pretty sweet deal, if you ask me.. much easier than using a rental truck, where you have to bust your hump to move your whole house in one day.

At this rate, we've got 2 weeks to get 'er done. I did get beaten up a bit today. The mattress rammed my hand into the door frame. L accidentally ran into me with the entertainment center on a hand truck. Then we were getting boxes out of the attic, and he didn't realize that I was coming up the ladder. He tossed a box out the attic opening and caught me square in the face with it. Luckily, I had on a baseball cap and the bill of it kept me from getting the full impact. And luckily I didn't fall off the ladder and back into the garage. That could have been rather disastrous, even for me.

But I think we're done for the day. We're both feeling pretty worthless after all that moving, and very glad that we don't have to do the rest of it today.

Talked to Mark as well.. He is busy and working his rear end off. He said he was going to call my seester this week sometime and see if they could hang out or something..
And I am going to go lie on the couch with L..

If it Can, It Will

Yes, my dear readers, this is what I look like most of the time. I just seem to be on the giant see-saw (I always hated it when people called it a "teeter-totter." I'm not sure why.. it probably makes more sense than "see-saw" but whatever).

I can't be on a middle ground at any time. Everything is either wonderful or it sucks out loud. I don't know why this is, other than extreme idiocy and/or immaturity. And if I'm already bogged down or overworked, I will try and pile it on until I can't even enumerate the things I have to get done by tomorrow... which is stupid.

I hate stupidity.

I've got a busy month coming up anyway, without adding anything.. real estate closings, court appearances, grant proposals, moving into the new house.. this is not the time to try and save the world (or my mother). All in good time, kitty. All in good time.

It's not as if I can count on anything to remain constant for more than 2 seconds at a time anyway. As soon as I get myself wrapped up with this thing with mom, she will cram her head back into the sand and decide everything is fine as is. Or that Jehovah would be unhappy that she let me paint the house or some such bullshit (although she hasn't pulled the JW card in quite some time. Maybe I am overthinking this again).

Anyway the weather is unbelievably nice outside and i can't wait to get out there.. unfortunately, though, i am on break and not off work yet. Since I'm the only one here, I can't exactly take off, either. Eh..

This weekend: Moving stuff out of the house and into temporary storage so we can put the sign out front.

Over Here

I've spent the last few hours working on music, and I think maybe that's what I should do when I can't sleep at night and I want to sit around and get mad and feel sorry for myself.

Yeah, I'm worried about this whole thing with mom.. but it's not like the world is going to end or anything. It could be much worse, after all. I could be a JW.

Anyway, L is skipping dinner in favor of bread and peanut butter (his own guilty pleasure), and I am thinking of eating some salad. I'm off work again tomorrow, and tomorrow night is band practice. Then it's back to work on Tuesday. More of the same.

Or Maybe Not

Yeah, I've got more to say tonight. To start with, I can't really explain this mood I'm in tonight, even to myself. I just feel disconnected.. and a little pissed off. But I can't really put a finger on what I'm pissed off at.. just life in general, I guess.

My life is good. I don't really have all that much to be pissed off at. But I should thank my lucky stars that I don't get like this often anymore. It used to be an every day occurrence. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who grew up with me. Or maybe my ex-husband. I imagine he could tell you.

I'm just thinking too much. I want someone or something to take my mind off of all of this, and nobody is stepping up to the plate. Fair enough-- it really isn't anyone else's responsibility. I should just go to bed and listen to L breathe until I fall asleep myself. But for some reason, that just isn't working tonight.

To start with, there's my mother. I'm glad that she is finally realizing that some things have to change. I am glad that she is finally going to let me help her.. but I am scared shitless of what's going to happen now. With the disease, with everything. And it makes me furious that I'm scared of it.

And damn it, I miss Gracie.

Then there's L and all of the pressure lately.. All of our friends can't seem to give it a rest with the "when are you getting married" crap. It's a big joke now. We both roll our eyes. But there's a part of me (an immature, stupid part, but a part nonetheless) that really resents that.. because it's a joke now. Part of me wants to say to hell with it, I don't ever want to get married again.. let's just live together until hell freezes over.. and then there's that other part that says hell no, I'm better than that. What that means, I couldn't tell you.

I don't want to be someone's girlfriend when I have 2 kids and I'm 40.

And I'm doing a really good job of making this somehow about L, when it's really not. It's really about me and my bad attitude.

It's really about my mother.

There's not anyone to talk to about this. I can talk to any number of people about it, but they're not listening. Not really. It's pretty easy to tell... I just feel like I'm alone with it, like it's going to take over. Like she's going to take over.

Maybe I'm not so well adjusted as I'd like to think.

I want to help and I want to do the right thing. I just don't want to be reeled in. I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster, and I'm afraid that this is going to be a wilder ride than any of the insane gravity-defying bullshit we ever did before.

Blur

Sometimes it seems like there is too much going on for me to assimilate it all. I know that I must be keeping up.. nobody is angry at me yet. But I feel like sometimes everything is a blur and I'm not picking out the important details.

I also feel like I'm picking up more than some people think I do. I can't help being a little pissed off at the way some people obviously think I am too stupid to see that they are trying to use me for their own ends. I also can't help being outraged at one specific person's reckless disregard for the well being of A and her family. With friends like that, no one needs enemies.

It's all so cloak and dagger lately.. it makes me wonder who my friends really are. It also makes me wonder if I still give a crap about things some of my friends expect me to help with. Like a certain lawsuit.

I've got enough going on without that crap, and when I go out with my friends, I want to have fun. You know, down time. Not a rehashing of the same conversation we've been having for the last 3 years. So maybe it's time I backed off a little more and concentrated on what's really important..

This thing with my mom
My music
My million and two projects at work
The new house that L and I are trying to move into

There's a lot to do and I guess right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and like no one is listening to me. And maybe right now I don't know what I want to say anymore.

Meh. Tomorrow I'll be over it.

Our House, Part 2

L took a ton of pics today when he went for the inspection... Click here to see our new house: http://www.upstateseminoles.com/photos/house2006/index.html

Pics of Mark for Mah Seester

Our House

Well, it is now semi-official. We close on March 14. The house is ours!

I'm so excited.. We got a pretty decent deal, and we should be moving in the end of March or early April. Now we just have to get packed up and finish fixing up our current house to sell..

L's parents are coming up from Florida tomorrow. We'll probably take them by to see the house while they're here.. I'll update on the visit later..

Valentine's Day

I would like to state for the record that I have the best boyfriend on the face of the earth.

This morning I found a big stuffed Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog in my car, with my name embroidered on it, along with a pair of tiger's eye earrings and a card. I found out after dinner (which was steak, my favorite, with a martini, also my favorite, and salad, mashed potatoes, etc) that he got out of bed while I was in the shower at 5 a.m. this morning to put the stuff in my car.

But that's not all.. When I got home from work and gave him his present, he also had a beautiful Liz Claiborne purse for me, and a cami/tank top that is gorgeous.. black lace. ("Ooooh, I like this" said I. "Yeah, I like.." he replied)

All in all, a second excellent V-Day with L.

And then, to top it off, we watched my friend, Nick, on American Idol. I worked with him for almost 2 years at LH. He is such a sweet guy, with such a sweet voice. I hope he makes it on the show.. He made it to the third round tonight, so there's hope yet! It's really kind of cool to see someone you know on a show like that. : )

I Want This House

Insanity Continued

So.. this week..

Monday- The workshop was great, and I think it will open the door for more contracts. I was tired, but happy. That afternoon I went to band practice, where we basically blew the doors off of everything we played. We laid down 4-part harmony on one of L's songs, and it sounds phenomenal! I am so excited about this band.. The guys are so sweet and fun to work with and creative and I love every one of them.

Tuesday- Songwriters' meeting after another hectic day at work. I was tired and felt stretched out, so when I had a song critiqued and they actually had something to say, I got bummed out a little. They were right, of course, and pointed out some very good points, which I made note of and I will change the song. But I also don't want to lose my unique style by doing this. I am not writing for Nashville, and I don't want to change every song I write to fit that mold. And it is a mold. And I am allergic to mold.

Wednesday- Open Mic night at the Coffee Underground. A was supposed to come, but something came up and she couldn't. L came, and was supportive and sweet as always. M from the band came, which surprised me, but he just missed my set. He hung out for a while, though, and it made me happy that he made the trip up there just for me.

The open mic night was the strangest thing I have ever seen. There were a few acts there who were serious musicians, but for the most part, there was this strange group of kids... I couldn't decide if they were college kids or high school.. but they were freaking weird.

One obviously wanted to be Jim Morrison so bad he could taste it. Another was a girl in a vintage dress with a red guitar and a passably decent voice, who sang about cream cheese melting in the sun and crap. She reminded me a little of Phoebe from Friends. She also played with something that called itself a band.. they randomly strummed and banged on their instruments, with no worries about what key they were in or whether there was any rhythm at all. It was all very random and strange. It got real old real fast.

Aside from the weirdos, there was a guy there from the songwriters' group who is very sweet. He is a William Hung kind of guy. He does have some talent as a songwriter, but his delivery is eccentric.. he chooses strange words sometimes and.. you'd just have to hear it. The combination, however, is at once hilarious and endearing, especially when he writes about things like Star Wars and King Kong.

Overall it was loads of fun and I did get invited to play at a folk festival in NC in April. We'll see if I actually do it, but it was cool to be invited.

Tonight we are going to look at houses.. hopefully we will love one of them. And we are bringing the camera.. so.. maybe some pics later? Keep your fingers crossed. :)

Insanity and Alcohol

This has been a hellish week. It started with an angry woman at work, who kept doing things at the last possible nanosecond before a deadline, seemingly just to make our jobs harder. Then I had a class to teach, so it was off to Columbia..

Only to come back to the same proposal over again because of more last possible nanosecond changes, and a coworker who skipped out on me. Overall it was very stressful.

Then I went to get the materials copied for my seminar on Monday, to find the asshole at Office Depot who ran my copies on the DIY 6 cent per page instead of the business one so that I'd get charged more. I was pretty mad..

I was off on Friday, so I made plans to go out for a drink with my friends. And that's when the insanity started. One of of my good friends, J, just seemed to lose it last night. She is usually so poised, so put-together.. But last night she got totally blitzed and made a total ass of herself over a man who everyone knows is a philanderer. He is married with kids, and the rumor is that he was recently caught at a local hotel with an employee of his.

To tell the truth, I don't care, and I don't understand why J would, unless something has been happening between this man and her. That would go against every opinion I have ever had of her, but that's the only explanation for last night.

She was sitting there in a bar that's smaller than my living room, surrounded by the town's elite.. county council, city and county government, state reps, attorneys.. talking about the Sleez and the women who flocked around him in a voice that became progressively louder and more shrewish. I couldn't get away, because she followed me everywhere I went.

When I ordered some food, she devoured half of it without ceasing her blow-by blow..

"Look, look, now he has his arm around that slut! Oh my god, I can't believe all of these dumb blondes! That's all these men are after.. a new slut. Just look at them..."

And on and on and on it went. And on. And on. I haven't been that embarrassed since the last time I was out in public with my ex-husband. Even after I asked her quite loudly if she realized the volume at which she was talking, and informed her that I AM BLONDE!!!! Quit with the bimbo crap already..

Finally the Sleez (who is really kind of a nice guy when he isn't drinking.. in a rather slick sort of way) and his entourage left.. and my friend, who I was sure was a self-assured, in-control-of-herself, confident women, chased after him.

I stayed with A for at least another hour, trying to recover from the shock and mortification of the evening. When we left, A called me to say that J was still in her car, watching his car in the parking lot.

I don't understand it. It really creeps me out a little, how you can have such a strong impression of someone.. even admire them.. and then you see them one day and they're nothing like you thought they were.. and you can't pinpoint the change. What was it? When did it happen? How?

It was a bizarre evening, to say the least. I didn't sleep well last night.

This morning I went to a songwriters' meeting, where I met Dave Berg, a professional Nashville songwriter. He listened to our songs and critiqued us.. He compared me to Ani DiFranco.. I can't think of a higher compliment. He told me basically not to bother with Nashville. I ain't no country singer..

But after playing my demo, three people in the group asked me to sing their songs for demos. A lot of songwriters can't actually sing their own stuff, so they hire people to do it. That is also a high compliment as well..

And one thing that happened last night was music related.. it seemed everyone I met has talked to C from the band, and has heard all about me and my voice.. Pretty amazing, to me... but I'm a little worried that with all the hype I won't be able to live up to it.

We'll see, I guess.

And tonight L and I are going to hear Dave Berg do a concert of his own music. I am looking forward to hearing it.. the few songs he played today were phenomenal. I do think I'll buy a CD...

And now, it's on toward next week... band practice and a seminar on Monday, songwriters on Tuesday, open mic on Wednesday, trying to recover after that...

In other news, L and I continued our house hunt today.. we found another neighborhood we love, and 4 houses we want to see inside. I think we're getting closer to what we're looking for at least..

And speaking of what we're looking for, the V-day question looms.. my quandry is this: lingerie or DVDs? Victoria's Secret or something else? The guy friends I have asked have said VS, hands down.. Still not sure, tho. This is L we are talking about.. Meh. Eventually I will make a decision..

Strange Movies

We rented a couple of movies this weekend. Both were kind of arty, kind of odd.. thought one was much better than the other. One was the Constant Gardener.. I saw a lot of things in the movie that brought back memories of my trip to Africa. It was a sad but strange movie.

The one we watched tonight was the River King, about a cop investigating a kid's death by drowning in some frozen northern town. A few implied and gratuitous sex scenes, a contrived ghost subplot which turned out to be ...nothing, and a final determination that the kid did commit suicide, and so did the cop's brother when he was a child, so the cop was getting his brother's death and this kid's mixed up in his mind, etc etc bla bla bloa.

I was not impressed. It had a few pretty scenes in it, but a few that made no sense.

Anyway.. in other news this weekend, L and I went on our first house hunting excursion with an agent. We looked at 4 houses.. only one we would ever consider living in. One of them was horrible. It was really dirty and the neighborhood looked like it aspired to be a redneck neighborhood, but couldn't quite cut it.

I also discovered that I hate zero lot lines, and I'd rather have an old old old house in a nice neighborhood than a brand new house in a cookie cutter subdivision with no yard. I also discovered that Easley is a strange town. You can have a subdivision with $300K houses that backs up to a trailer park full of single wides circa 1962. It's bizarre.

And this week I have a class to teach in Columbia on Tuesday, 4 proposals due, materials to get ready for a class to teach next Monday, a songwriting workshop on Saturday, and god only knows what else.,..

I think it's time to get my stuff ready for tomorrow and get some sleep...

Bump

Honest Mistake

Just posting this so I can find Lil S when I wanna check in. :) She doesn't leave comments like she used to..

Hunting

We're on the hunt for a new house, in the midst of all of the other things going on.. This weekend I got my tires rotated, and now the car has a shimmy that I don't like. I almost wrecked the car on my way home Friday night, doing a couple of 360s at 70mph in the middle of the off ramp. Nobody stopped.. people suck. But at least my car and I were okay, and I was able to drive after a few minutes of catching my breath.

I got my hair cut and I like it pretty well. It's a lot shorter, which is good because it was really damaged and looking kinda trailer-esque. L and I painted the bathroom and the bedroom, and then went driving to look for neighborhoods in the town that we want to move to. Most of the new neighborhoods are funky.. the houses are so close together that if you drop something off your nightstand in the middle of the night, you might find it in the neighbors' kitchen in the morning. And there are no yards. None.

And now it is time to go to work, though once again I would prefer to go back to bed with L. He is snuggled down amongst the pillows and comforters and all I can see is the top of his head. I am jealous.. I have a long day ahead. Better get started on it..

Well... that was a mistake..

I stopped by the old house the other day, like I said I would. I couldn't get in because the locks had been changed.. either that or I kept the wrong key on my key ring. Either way, I couldn't get in. The place looks like crap, of course.. very lonely and abandoned and depressing. It really sucked the good attitude right outta me for a few days.

I've been on a little bit of a roller coaster. I'm up! I'm down! I'm happy! I'm depressed! Jeez, I think I'm going to be sick!

Being there even for a few minutes made me think of what an absolute failure my attempt at marriage was. I know it wasn't my fault, but I don't like to fail. At anything. Anything. At. All. I've been taking out my aggressions at the gym, which is a good thing until I overdo it, which I did yesterday. My legs are screaming, to the point where getting out of my office chair produces agonizing cramps.

And my body has been more than aware of the lack of sex in the past few weeks. Anyone who has read this blog for any length of time knows that's NOT a good thing for me. I start imagining things, thinking stupid thoughts.. for instance that I am doomed for every relationship i ever try to have to turn out sexless and beige.

But then L blows my mind. Repeatedly.

Hey, but I'm in a better mood today.

Tomorrow, I'm getting a haircut and going to a show with a girlfriend from work. Maybe I'll post some before-and-after "makeover" pictures...

Long Weekend

I've had the last 4 days off of work, and I feel like I haven't done anything...even though I have actually been quite productive. I've gotten a good start on my presentation for the 6th, I've put another ad in the paper to sell the ring, I've bathed both dogs and blow dried them (which was quite an experience in itself). I have put 4 months of pictures into my scrapbook, and eaten copious quantities of L's lasagne..

And now I have to go to band practice, stopping on the way at my old house, just to see what it looks like these days. Numbnuts is out of town, and I haven't been by in a while.

Big D has been calling again, but I haven't answered the phone. I really wish he'd forget I ever existed. I don't have anything further to say to him.

L is putting new flooring down in the master bathroom right now. We are also painting the bedroom and getting the ceilings fixed in preparation to move sometime in the next year.

He seems to be a little annoyed at my many many extracurricular activities lately, and I am not sure I understand why. I don't like having to drag every little piece of information out of him either. He doesn't like to talk about how he feels.. he just likes to feel what he feels and never explain it to anyone, I guess. Whatever works, although I must say that I don't think he can be justified in being upset with me if he can't tell me why without being browbeaten.

I don't enjoy browbeating people. Least of all him.

Anyway, it's not like we've ever really argued, so I guess I have nothing to complain about. And he makes damn good lasagna. :)

On that note, I am out. Maybe I will take a few pics of the house tonight while I am there..

Power Naps at 7 am?

I almost got killed this morning on my drive in to work. I haven't gotten enough sleep in the past two days, and it's starting to show. I literally fought to keep my eyes open from the moment I got in the car until I got into the parking lot at work.

I went to my first meeting of the Nashville Songwriters' Association last night. It was SO COOL. I can't wait to do the workshops and to take some of my own music in for the group. Another awesome idea from L. :)

But tonight I've got to get some sleep. Right now I feel like I could go right to bed and stay there until sometime Friday.

Note for Sami..

All is not lost.. the pictures i thought I'd lost from this summer at Mom's house are safely backed up on L's computer. :D So as soon as I get my new box, I can burn them to CD for you. :P

Guess Who's Back?

I went back to work today, feeling mostly better, although still sniffling a little bit. It was a pretty good day, even though I was busy trying to catch up.

D called again while I was sick, and talked for a long time. He always degenerates into talking about the clubs, or talking about the few minutes that we dated 7 years ago. I don't understand where he gets off talking about love, as if anyone could know what love is at 20-21 years old. Especially a naive little girl like I was.. coming out of a cult with no life skills and no sane guidance and no idea what the real world was like.

He took advantage, plain and simple, and now he thinks he can do it again. I don't want to talk to him anymore, ever. That whole decade is something I'd rather erase from the my life. It's like the most typical of mediocre high school angst poetry. Religion, strip clubs, little boys who played at being big tough men and told more lies than they could keep track of.. I'm including the time from when I graduated from high school until I got divorced from J. I can't really say I did anything worth doing except finishing my Bachelor's degree.

All D wants to do is rehash and relive every disgusting second of it, and as much as I never wanted to hear from him again in the first place, I REALLY don't want to hear from him anymore. He's starting to seriously creep me out. Apparently he has been stalking me more or less for 7 years.. looking me up, calling any number he came across, mailing things to any address. Nothing dangerous.. but then I don't doubt for a second that he could turn nasty really quickly.

Meh. I think I'll go watch TV with L and quit wasting time thinking about it.

I'm drowning

I only thought everything would go back to normal today. But no. My body picks today of all days to stage a complete and total mutiny. I feel like I've been beaten with 2 x 4s and drowned in an expanding pool of snot.

Yeah, that's gross. But it's not as gross as I feel right now. My ears hurt and my head is pounding and I am cold and cranky and miserable. There is nothing on TV and nothing to read and L is out at the bowl game party the FSU club is hosting.

This is probably a good thing.. I can be pretty annoying when I'm sick.

That's it, I'm going to upend the bottle of NyQuil and go to bed.

New Year's Resolutions

It's raining and cold outside, and I haven't been able to get warm all day. I have a cold and I feel altogether more like getting back into bed than getting started on a brand new year, to tell the truth. But I have band practice tonight and work in the morning, so ready or not, here I go.

I don't have many resolutions that are much different from the ones I have every year: get in shape, get out of debt, clear the slag from my life and move forward.

Maybe this year I will accomplish one of those at least.

I know the slag won't be completely cleared; I am about to enter into a nasty legal skirmish with Numbnuts over his failure to be a responsible human being. I feel bad because I know that even if by some miracle I ever get the money, it will probably come from his parents. Still, I can't bring myself to just let it go. He needs to face up to his responsibilities and realize that not everyone is going to cut him slack. He's had all the consideration he is getting from me.

I will continue my efforts at the gym. That's gotten a lot easier since everyone else goes there at lunchtime at work. It's harder to slack off when you have other people going too, and when you bring lunch from home. Saves money and excuses. :)

I'll take care of myself the way I have not been doing lately. I'll get my hair done and take the dry cleaning that's been gathering dust in for cleaning. I put off things like that because I am trying to put every possible penny toward getting out of debt.. but I'm getting closer. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, at least. And I am not doing myself any favors by neglecting myself.

At least this year my car will be paid off and hopefully I can build up my savings "cushion" to where it needs to be: at least 3 months' salary. That way I won't have to borrow money anymore in order to travel or when something unexpected comes up.

So.. not outstanding new year's resolutions, but they'll do. At least this year I am going for something attainable. ;)

List number 423657

Things that have happened since I last wrote:

1) I wrote a letter to the ex (aka Numbnuts) demanding that he bring the mortgage current, pay the $4,900, and pay his car payment. I got a notice today from the bank that he hadn't paid the car payment in 2 months. I guess he wants to play this the hard way. Damn it all. All I want is to be rid of him and his BS once and for all.

2) L and I went to Florida for Christmas. We spend Christmas with my sister and S and had a great time eating giant turkey, watching movies, opening presents, and listening to S learn chords on her new Esteban guitar. I think she will be quite the little musician if she sticks with it.

3) We went to see L's family in Tallahassee, which was also fun. We played cards and ate enough cookies to kill a horse. I also got to meet one of L's workmates, who was a very nice lady. She used to be a ballerina and a sculptor.. we had a great lunch and sometime next fall we will probably go to an FSU game together.

4) And then out of the blue, who should call me but big D. I know that he has tried to contact be before in the past 9 years, but I don't know what possible reason he could have for doing so. He rambled a bit, telling me about his daughter going to jail and himself being diagnosed as bipolar.. gee, no one saw that one coming. He was nice enough over the phone, but closed the conversation with "I'll talk to you soon." I don't know what that means or what the purpose was for the whole conversation. It freaks me out a little bit because the last thing I want right now is a stalker. Especially a 6 foot 5, bipolar stalker. And 9 years is a long time to carry either a torch or a grudge.

5) And then today while L and I were in a restaurant eating lunch, somebody wrote "chicken shit" across the back of his car with a Sharpie pen. It came off all right, but it was a little bizarre. He thinks it's a case of mistaken identity or something, or some kids being stupid. He might be right. I hope he's right.

6) And tonight we go out to celebrate a new year with good friends and good food. I am wearing the pink pants that S gave me, and L is trying to find a shirt to match the pants he bought at Gap. Those pants look really good on him.. I hope he finds something in his closet to match. :) M is coming over to bring the Monster back from his vacation. I hope Monster won't miss the Blink too much now that he is coming home. M said that he has had fun making friends.

Next post will be new year's resolutions.. or whatever passes for NYR's in my little world.

checking back

I'm back from the holiday extravaganza, worn out as ever and trying to figure out new year's plans for everyone. I'll do a complete update later.. for now I am cold and tired and need a rest after my vacation.

Tiiiiiiime Ain't on My Side

I've got too much to do. And it's freezing out and I really didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. It is definitely a Red Bull kind of day. My arms are sore from Monday's workout, my abs are screaming, and I really wish I wasn't at work today.

But there's nothing we can do about that, now is there?

I guess I'd better get to it if I'm going to get the newsletter written, 15 proposals submitted, my own proposal written, a letter to J threatening contempt of court if he doesn't get with it, and the rest of the Christmas shopping all before Christmas. Not to mention that I have to study for the GMAT, which I am taking in less than a week.

And I hate it for me, but the GMAT is not by any means an easy test. I have to score high, too, if I want to get into the MBA program.

I think I might need a little more stress in my life this week. What do you think?

Narnia..

We went to see the first narnia movie last night, and I must say they did an absolutely outstanding job of bringing the books to life. The movie is visually stunning, and the kid that plays Lucy is adorable.

The kid who plays Edmund looks exactly like Joshua Jordan. That was a little strange. The other strange thing was the people behind us, who kept up a running commentary in a stage whisper the whole time, trying to get in some Bible study with their kids. "Awh, loook, hunny, thayut's Jeezusss!! He died fer our seeeeeeyuns!!!!!" every time Aslan came on the screen. Pretty annoying actually. But other than that, the movie was good.

L and I had a good day today.. we got up early and went to the FCA Bowden Breakfast, where I got to meet and have my picture taken with Tommy Bowden, the Clemson head coach, and his father Bobby Bowden, the head coach for FSU. The breakfast was great and we got free t-shirts. Met a really cool guy from Greece who now works at Clemson as a physicist, and will probably be joining L's FSU club.

Then we did a little shopping at Kohl's, came home and did a little cleaning, and took a long, comfortable nap. We're about to eat some brunswick stew and see what's on tv tonight. And tomorrow.. it's Survivor finale. Can't wait to see that!

Christmas List

Ok, I've promised a certain sister of mine that I would post my christmas list, so here goes:

Books are always a good choice. I read like a fiend, as you know. I like crime novels/mysteries, and pretty much novels of any kind. I loved Memoirs of a Geisha, and the Secret Life of Bees..

My office is full of kitty cat stuff, particularly tigers or those orange tabbies.. they go over well at the University. : ) So anything like that would work as well.

There's a songwriters' dictionary out that I'd like to have.. it's basically a rhyming dictionary. That would be cool.

Dean Markley guitar strings, medium weight, and med-light weight guitar picks.. I go through both like you wouldn't believe, so that's another idea.

I'm not really hard to please. : ) Ideas for L would be a little harder. He likes Dr. Seuss and Curious George.. I'd stay away from clothes; he doesn't wear certain colors and mostly sticks to neutrals. He's a little hard to buy for. He likes music.. if you know of any good jazz, etc. : ) Umm... he's a huge football fan (FSU, of course) and he also loves the TV show Smallville.. last year I bought him the season 1 DVDs, but he doesn't have any other ones.

So that's the christmas list.. now post yours!

Picture Posting Bonanza: Christmas Tree

Our Christmas tree....
This is our tree topper. No angels or stars for us, no sir! We have the Abominable Snowman!

L and I went out yesterday for a real Christmas tree.. it's the first time I've ever had a real one, and it makes the house smell deliciously pine-y. :) We're kind of spare on the ornaments, because I used to get all of mine from J's mother on loan every year, and L has always had a 2-ft mini-tree and never needed many.

We had lots of fun decorating it. We put our 6-ft Douglas Fir on top of a table in the living room so that it would be safe from dogs and cat. Worked for the dogs, not so much for the cat.

Our "NOEL" stocking hooks on the mantel read "NOLE" instead.. L is the eternal FSU fan. :)

And now it's time to decide what movie we want to watch this evening, and when we want to cook dinner...

Picture Posting Bonanza: Harvard

Here's what you see at one of the many gates to the Harvard Campus..
Sever Hall (I think)..
The main gate to Harvard University...
..And here's what you see as you're leaving..
The John Harvard statue...Everyone touches his foot when they visit; that's why it's so much shinier than the rest of the statue. S, if you're gonna go to school at Harvard, BUY SOME WARM CLOTHES!!! :) Brrr!!

Picture Posting Bonanza: Boston

Looks like even the mounted police like to stop at the donut shop's drive through window!
The city of Boston from the top of the Prudential Center.
L and his snowflake..
Here I am aboard the USS Constitution, the oldest warship (1797 or thereabouts..). It was a free tour, and very very cool. :)

I'll post more pics later.. I still have Harvard and our Christmas tree to post. :D But right now I'm going Christmas shopping.

No Christmas for the Jehovah's Witness...

http://www.harraway.com/no_christmas_for_jehovahs_witness.html

This is a new rap song about JWs and Xmas.. a must hear for any XJW. It's hilarious...

Too Fast

I'm back from Boston, and we had a great time. I'll post pics as soon as i have time to download them to my computer.

I'm getting ready to leave for Florence tomorrow to teach another class. Then it's Christmas decorating and shopping and cleaning and getting ready for the Florida trip.. I have a lot of presents to buy and not quite enough money, as usual.

God I can't wait until I am out of the hole. I keep thinking about J and how I'd really like to slug him right now for making me take his ass to court again because he's not making his house or car payments, which are in my name.

I'm a little frustrated about that situation, and the fact that I don't feel like I have had enough down time in the past two months. I feel like the creeping crud that everybody is down with is stalking me, and it's only a matter of time before it's me tossing my cookies with a 103 fever for 4 days. I just keep repeating to myself that I have to make it through these classes this week. After that I can be as sick as I need to be.

Bleh.

Back to Reality

The Rock just before the sun set... we walked all over the island, looking in the old buildings and listening to the stories of attempted (and successful) escapes. It was a great tour...
The Golden Gate Bridge in the sunset as we headed out on the Alcatraz ferry.
Yours truly, getting ready to set off by myself again.
A San Francisco Seagull.. they're the biggest gulls I have ever seen!
The view from the top... This was the v iew from our hotel room balcony.

A very romantic city... I want to go there with L and drink a lot of wine someday. : )
Back at work I am busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest, and T has sick children, so she doesn't have to come to work this week at all. Sigh. Oh well. I guess it comes with the territory. I'd rather process proposals than have a kid throw up on me, I guess.

Heh.

Jeez! This is un-frikkin believable!!!

9:51 pm
12:51 pm eastern
She is still in the bathroom, still talking to him, and apparently it is now an argument.
She's been in there for 2 damn hours now, and I am a little fed up. If I have to take the elevator down 42 floors to take a piss, I should at least be allowed to brush my frikkin teeth.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr...

Another day or so of this and I may have to have a little private talk at work to ensure that I don't have to do this again. I'd like to at least room separately so that I can bring someone capable of intelligent conversation with me. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Annoyance on the West Coast

So maybe I am being a beeyotch, but...
My coworker has locked herself in the bathroom with her cellphone. In fact, I think the cellphone has been surgically attached somehow to the side of her face. She has been on it nonstop since we got here. If I am to be dining, shopping, touring, and sitting in class with someone who is on a phone with someone else the entire time, I'd just as soon travel by myself.

Obviously I do not merit the respect it would take to stay off the g.d. phone for thirty minutes.. and if that guy spends more than 15 minutes without hearing from her, the world might end.

I love the city,and it's not as if we haven't done anything fun together.. it's just profoundly irritating. Profoundly.

We tried on beautiful formal dresses at macy's tonight, and saw a filming of a TV show called Monk across the street from Union Square. Could have been cool.

Anyway I am going to watch Survivor and try to ignore the muted moans of apparent phone sex from the bathroom. Bleh.

Blogging San Francisco

I wrote an entire post about last night and lost it in a computer snafu this morning.

I am hesitant to put much energy into another decent post after that, especially if I am likely to lose the whole thing again.

Suffice it to say that I am enjoying San Francisco and I am feeling sort of bovine. The two are not related. But I'm tired and my filter is not working.

So far I've done Chinatown, the three-story Ross, a city tour this morning, and tomorrow I have to go to class in the morning. We are going to do Fisherman's Wharf and Alcatraz on Saturday.

And now I am going to relax a bit.

3000 Miles

This has been a long day. Hell, it's been a long week. But this month is flying by. I don't know how I will ever get everything done that I am supposed to. For now, though, I won't worry about it.

M and I traveled to the lower part of the state to conduct training on Wednesday and Thursday. It went well, as always. I was very surprised at the lack of.. well.. anything down there. I wasn't aware of how rural most of the state is. In places, it reminded me of when I was in Africa. And when it gets dark, it gets dark. No street lights, no neon signs, nothing but stars.

Not bad, just not what I expected. I am so used to the upstate or the coast, and our economic situation is so different. I couldn't live there, though. There weren't any grocery stores to speak of, and the only restaurants seemed to be McDonald's and Pizza Hut. Bleh.

Then Friday was L's CLemson-FSU event, which went pretty well. Saturday was the football game, where we sat in the nosebleed section and got sunburned and generally had a fantastic time.

I cannot possibly explain how much I love that man.

This morning we got up at 4:40 a.m. to go to the airport. I've been traveling all day. I'm now in San Francisco. We haven't really done anything so far, except eat lunch (where a very strange lady sat next to T at the counter and had a conversation with herself), go to Walgreens, and explore the hotel a little bit.

I'm sort of jet lagged and tired... there should be more to say tomorrow. There seems to be lots to do here, as long as my deposit goes through tomorrow.

Bad Gets Worse

..continued..

So here's where things really started to become odoriferous.

We arrived at the farm at that golden hour before dusk, when everything is still beautiful, and you know that a long dark drive is ahead of you. Grandmother was sitting in her lift chair covered with a quilt and 3-4 purring cats. Grandfather was still in his Sunday pants and an undershirt (the first time I have EVER seen him wear an undershirt in front of anyone), standing down by the depleted fish pond, staring intently at nothing.

Apparently grandfather was trying to fix the pump in the fish pond to keep from killing the rest of the giant koi, and fishing the rest of the dead fish out with a net. I went down to help, unaware of exactly what I was getting myself into. There are dead koi scattered all around the pond now, so you have to watch where you step. And the smell.. we won't talk about.

Mom and Grandfather both almost fell headfirst into the pond before I told them to get out of the way and tell me what needed to be done. Basically, I had to pull the pump out (no small feat in itself). I then had to reach into the slime filled pond with a grappling hook and find the handle of an extremely slimy bucket, which was full of bricks and slimy water (and dead fish, naturally). I then had to lift said bucket over the dam and dump the water and crap out of it, and replace it in the bottom of the pond, upright.. then place the pump back inside.

Did I mention that I was wearing my favorite cordoroy pants. Yeah.

Oh, but it gets worse.

I strained my back doing all this. When we finally got back on the road, it was my turn to drive, so we set out as the sun set, mom waving from the porch with Indiana and her wagging tail beside her.

The drive was uneventful until we hit Charlotte. That's when all hell broke loose. We were cruising along at about 80 mph in the left lane, when we ran over something that looked like a piece of plastic. There was no way to avoid it, but when we hit it, we suddenly realized that we had no drivers side tires. At all.

I tried to keep control of the 4Runner and get over to the right side of the road, and we almost got creamed by a semi, but we made it.

This is what happened to one of the tires..

So here we are, in the dark, on the side of the interstate. I call Cingular Roadside Assistance, only to be informed by the idiot who answered the telephone that we'll be charged for everything they do, including sending out a towtruck, never mind that that isn't what the RA deal is at all. He then claimed that he couldn't find Charlotte, NC and were we sure we weren't in Rock Springs or Raleigh? Why didn't we just leave him alone and call the police?

I called the highway patrol, who were friendly, efficient, and obviously overworked. He recommended a tire repair shop and called a tow truck for us. I called W to see if he could come get us.

He had just smoked up and was in the zone, but he came on over. We spent the night at his house, which was fine, but we had no toothbrushes, no clean clothes, no shower. We woke up this morning profoundly miserable and feeling horrid that our doggies were home alone with no dinner or breakfast.

We called the tire place and were informed that we needed to come look at our car because.. well.. it was vandalized overnight. Someone broke the window and stole everything that wasn't nailed down, including the receipts for the arts event, which means that they had my father's credit card number. Not. Good.

I called dad and he cancelled the card. New one won't be here for 7-10 days. I have 2 business trips in that time, for which I have no spare funds. Great.

I had to miss band practice, and I feel like I've been beaten across the back with a 2x4. Tomorrow I have to get up at 5, put my luggage in the car, and go to work. After work, M and I head to Edisto, where I have to teach back to back classes, all day for 2 days, on my feet. In heels.

Our poor car. My poor back. My poor L. He's got dark circles under his eyes. He doesn't know when they'll be able to fix his window, and we were supposed to take the 4Runner to tailgate in for the Clemson-FSU game on Saturday.

So. That's how my weekend was. Thanks for asking.

*shuffles off to bed*

The Beginning of Bad

This weekend has been unbelievable. Un..be..effin..lievable.

I'll begin from the beginning. Friday of course I drove all day to get Mom. Not a big deal. Everything went smoothly. We got home to L serving up the best lasagne I have ever had in my life. He made everything from scratch and you could almost smell it when you pulled into the driveway. It was that good.

Saturday Mom and I went shopping and bought her a nice black dress with beadwork on it. It looked very nice on her and she really likes it. Best of all, it was pretty inexpensive, since we found it at Ross. We bought her new shoes and everything. Then we went and had her hair done, and when we got home, I did her nails. She got to be a princess for a day and loved every minute of it.

Now here's where it starts to go south just a little bit.

We get to the art center opening, and it's all steps, stairs, and crowds of people crammed into a space that was much to small for the number of people present. I was terrified that mom was going to fall or something. We ignored the hors d'ouvres because our tickets had specifically mentioned dinner. There was no dinner. And by the time we were informed of this fact (and I do mean our entire party of 8-9 people), most of the hors d'ouvres were gone.

Add to this the fact that Mom can't have alcohol, and there were no complimentary non-alcoholic beverages. $90 a ticket, and we have to pay for Coca Cola. Then they ran out of red wine. Then they ran out of coffee. The elevators weren't working and our table was upstairs, so we had to go get the car and drive mom around so that she could sit down, because there was no seating of any kind downstairs. There were no restrooms upstairs, a fact we discovered after we had gotten Mom to the table.

Not to say that it was a bad experience, but mainly the good part was seeing Mom's reaction to being able to be there. I'll never forget it, and I'll do whatever I can to get that look on her face again as often as possible. : )

Sunday morning L and I got up before Mom did, shockingly enough. Actually, she had been up already, but went back to sleep. When I went in to wake her up, she had evidently fallen asleep while writing in her journal. It was lying there beside her while she slept, the cap still off the pen. She had written the date, and "This is the first day of the rest of my life."

Heh. I must say that got me.

Of course she doesn't know I saw it, and I'd never tell her. I am just glad to know that she is at least thinking about making positive changes.

Unfortunately, it's all downhill from there.

L made breakfast and we left for NC around 11 am. I had made the mistake of mentioning winesap apples while talking to Mom at some point, so she suggested that we go through Asheville and pick some up. "On the way." "It's really the same distance," Mom insisted, "And we'll get to see the leaves."

She was right about the leaves, but the scenic route definitely added about an hour and a half to the drive. L and I kept a good attitude about it, though, because Mom wanted to see the leaves, and we knew she wasn't in any hurry to go home. We found a great italian restaurant to have lunch, where mom tried a brie omelet and said it tasted like a musty attic, but she ate it.

...to be continued...

Pics from Last Night

Performance Artist Brian Olsen from Denver, CO painted with his hands and a few big brushes.. It was a really cool show!
L looked good enough to eat in a tuxedo..
Me and Mom ready to go to the "ball." I think Mom felt kind of like Cinderella, with all the shopping and stuff we did. We had a great time shopping and getting ready, but I think Mom walked too much. Her legs are hurting today and her feet are swollen.

Pics from Halloween

Zeus and Aphrodite after a few drinks... Those eyelashes looked pretty cool, but they drove me insane all night.
Here we are, Aphrodite and her Roman Soldier of choice. We froze our butts off, but we had a fine time. (And Jeez does L have great legs!)

The Big Event

It's 11:30, Mom is asleep, and my feet hurt. Pictures and details tomorrow. Also explanation of why there were no non-alcoholic drinks or restrooms available at said $90-a-plate event.. oh, and no plates and no dinner either.

"Dinner" = heavy hors d'oveures that were mostly gone by the time we realized that dinner was not coming.

Mom and I had more fun shopping. And I had more fun looking at L in a tux.

Yum.

I Don't Care What You Think

Nice title, huh? One day it will be true.

I have to stop being such a soft touch. Obviously I am an easy target, otherwise I wouldn't get my feelings hurt by people that I know should not merit a second thought. Like H.

I didn't go on Sunday to bury Gracie. My reasons were pretty straightforward. They're basically the same reasons I didn't go back to see Amara after we sold her, even though the new owner said I was welcome. I couldn't bear to look at her and know she wasn't mine anymore.

I tried to distance myself before any of this ever happened, because I knew I was setting myself up to get my heart broken by getting so attached to her. I knew that I'd have to deal with H if I ever wanted to buy her, and that she'd make sure I could never afford her. It didn't help, but I tried. I had my reasons, and obviously they weren't good enough. Tough shit.

1) I didn't want to watch her die. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I didn't want to watch her die.
2) I didn't feel exactly welcome, not after H went all norman bates on me. I saw no reason to subject myself to that, a fact which I discussed with L and he agreed.
3) I've already been accused of having an affair with M, by H. How was it going to look, if I was running off to Georgia with him every weekend, and showing up with him in Hendersonville? Even if it was for Gracie, I wasn't willing to put myself in that position. Is that so wrong of me? The truth is that as far as H is concerned, she's trying to project her failings onto me. I'm damned with her no matter what I do. Or what I don't do. She'd far rather accuse me and M of something that admit to what she's done.

And yet, M tells me that I was a subject of conversation that day because I didn't go. That I abandoned Gracie, as if I didn't love her. And I'm such a damn soft touch that I feel like I have to defend myself against that.

Well screw that. I've put enough of my tears and sadness and suffering on display in the past 28 years. I don't want to do that anymore, and I don't think it's fair for anyone to put me down because I refuse to grieve in public.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for no reason. And whatever H thinks is no reason to feel guilty. I had reasons for not going, and they were good ones. And as much as I hate it, Gracie is another part of my life that I have to shut the door on (like J), because it hurts too damn much and I refuse to wallow in it. H doesn't like it? Feh. It isn't as if she's my friend or anything. She has made that abundantly clear.

I'm getting tired of shutting doors this year.

Goodbye to the Best Horse in the World

Gracie was put down today. There was nothing else they could do; she wasn't healing.

I didn't go. I can't handle any more drama at the moment, and I didn't want to watch her die.

She was the best horse I've ever ridden or worked with, and I will miss her. : (

It Keeps Getting Crazier...

Okay, I am nearing my bullshit limit for this decade already. Most of it has happened this week.

Yesterday H called me, ranting and raving and cursing me for no apparent reason. According to the message she left on my voice mail, my friendship is no big loss, she knows I am just ignoring the phone calls she has not made (neither I nor my cell phone company has any record of the calls she said she made to my phone), and I am... a quite impressive string of profanities.

I called her back, since this was all news to me, to find that she is spitting pea soup over a book that she loaned me. A book I have every intention of returning. As I told her in the letter that will accompany said book via UPS, she has never had anything I want.

Furthermore, she told me (the only time she has called me, as a matter of fact) that she wasn't in any rush for the book, and that I could bring it by the next time I came out that way. I haven't been out there since. And I could give a flying fuck what she thinks anyway.

Jeezus! What, do I have some sort of psycho-magnet embedded somewhere? I keep attracting them like nobody's business. I'm more than a little bit sick of it, to tell the truth. Pfft.

Anyway the hurricane is over, and I haven't heard from my sister. Mom says that she is okay, so I imagine that her phone does not work. I am wondering what the situation is with S and the nutcase. ..

Who am I kidding? It's never enough.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, with two family operas playing out at the same time. My mother's brothers and sister want to auction my mother's house and belongings and move her and the grandparents somewhere.. as if she's dead or retarded or something and can't decide for herself what she wants to do.

One common thread with both situations is that no one in my family has any idea what normal is, or that there are supposed to be boundaries between people. My sister, for instance, is convinced that she can change S's mind about everything that she has said to B.

S is a kid. She doesn't understand the ramifications of any of what has happened, and she shouldn't have to. My sister has unintentionally shot herself in the foot on this, because B heard some of the things she was saying to S while he was on the phone. Of course she didn't mean a word of it. That doesn't change the fact that it could be very damaging to her.

Oh, but I'm the bitch when I try to tell her what he's trying to do. Damn it, she needs to know and act before he has a chance to ruin her chances of getting S back. Add to this the fact that he's trying to use my conversation with him as ammunition against her. I have not "decided" anything with him, and I am NOT "on his side." I do think I am the only one who has S's interests firmly in mind here.

I don't think she is better off with B, but I don't think my sister's house is the best place for her either, right now.. not if things like what happened the night before last continue to happen. And that was by no means the first time it's been knock-down-drag-out in Samiland.

S is also playing this for all it's worth. She is too young to know what that could mean for her, and for her mother. But there is no way to change the way she sees this. At this point anything my sister says to her is going to be clouded by a million different distortions, and she's up there being love-bombed.. and she's still a baby. She doesn't get it and probably won't until she's much older, if indeed she ever does.

This whole thing makes me sick.

I'm very tired and not sure how I am supposed to help my sister. I can't in good conscience say that what happened the other night was "nothing." Neither can I side with B.. he's still kind of nuts; that hasn't changed. And I don't take kindly to being used by anyone for any purpose.

Meh. I'm going to watch football with L.

As if that wasn't enough...

Right now I am glad that L feels the same way about his family that I do about mine most of the time (that we must have been adopted or something). Hopefully he won't run screaming away from me over this latest. I love my family very much, but sometimes I marvel at their choices and their paths in life. I wonder how people with the same blood can make such completely opposite choices and screw their lives so completely.

My grandmother is still in the hospital, and the doctors refuse to do surgery because she won't take blood transfusions. It's likely that she's going to hurt herself again when they send her home, hip still broken. They are doing nothing for her and she is adamant about not accepting blood transfusions.

My great aunt is having surgery next week to remove a kidney that is cancerous. She is feuding with her son, who lives next door, and she is afraid that she will be alone when she has the surgery. My mother, the orthopedic disaster and Parkinson's patient, wants to go down to Georgia and be with her. Mom doesn't realize that she won't be able to help very much if anything does happen, because she can hardly walk.

And she wants me to drive 4 hours to NC to pick her up, another 4 hours back here from NC, then 1 1/2 hours to Georgia, and then 1 1/2 hours back to my house... that's 11 hours of driving she wants me to do in one day. And I am hearing no offers of gas money.

My sister sounds like she has completely fallen apart. And I don't blame her for being in serious pain right now. My neice called the cops on her last night, and as I type this, she's getting ready to go live with her biological father, who is a redneck nutcase, if I remember correctly.

The thing is, I can understand my neice being freaked out.. my sister can be terrifying when she's had enough to drink. But my neice has also lived with her for her entire life and she knows what to expect. But she's a child who thinks she's grown, as all 15-year-old girls do. She made a mistake deciding to go live with B, and she will probably regret it.

My sister is, as I said, falling apart. She is going to lose her job, and now she's by herself. She says that she hates my neice, but I know she doesn't. She's just in a spin right now. that doesn't change the damage that's been done. I am worried about what she will do now. It has seemed to me for a long time that S was the only thing holding my sister on course.

I really worry about her and I know that there isn't much I can do, except wonder how this happened, and be there when she wants to talk.

Naptime

I talked to grandmother today. No word yet on the doctors' decision about her hip. Hopefully they'll decide something soon.

I've been so tired all day; I sort of slogged through the day, dreaming about coming home and curling up with L for a nice nap before dinner. Which is precisely what I did. He cooked spaghetti, we watched NCSI, and now I am getting ready to go back to bed.

He has several other shows that he wants to watch tonight.. Lucky him. He doesn't have to get up at 5 am. I wish he felt like going to bed.. he is incredibly nice to sleep with. But I had my snuggle and my nap, so I can't really complain much.

I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I feel awfully achy and weak though, and my stomach hurts. I don't want to be sick. : So I am going to bed now.

Drama, Drama, Melodrama

This weekend has been an exercise in endurance.

I went to take my mother to her doctor's appointment in Virginia, but the doctor called and rescheduled for Tuesday, which would be impossible for me to do. So it ended up being a visit. I drove up saturday, hung over and sleepy already. I hung out with Mom for a while, and then we went to dinner. Grandmother and grandfather didn't want to go with us, so they stayed down by the bonfire (they had been burning brush all day as they love to do) as the moon came up.

When we got back they were sitting in the living room, grandfather slumped over the kitchen table asleep, and grandmother lying in the automatic recliner. While down by the fire an hour or so earlier, grandmother had somehow broken her leg and fallen. Luckily she didn't fall into the fire.

It was weird.. here was grandmother obviously hurt, mom didn't want to make a decision, grandfather didn't want to make a decision, so everybody sat there and looked at her, expecting her to tell them what they should do. I called the hospital and then the ambulance to come and pick her up. We then spent the entire night at the hospital. We got back at 4:30 am, and the phone started ringing at 5. Needless to say I got very little sleep.

Today was the needlessly melodramatic discussion with my mother over her living situation, which has to change, and soon. I don't know what might have happened to grandmother if I had not been there. She was afraid to go to the hospital, and wanted to wait until her regular doctor's appointment on Tuesday. My guess is that if she had done that, she could have hurt herself much worse, or gotten infected or something...

Right now she is in the hospital and they are doing a CT scan tomorrow to see if they should operate to fix the femur, or if they should operate to replace the hip joint again. The current replacement is 10 years old, and is almost worn out anyway.

I think mom has tentatively agreed to look into a new plan. We'll see what happens in actuality.. we'll see.

When I got home, L was cooking salmon on the grill, steamed broccoli.. i was starving and in need of a hug. Damn he is the best boyfriend on the planet. The. Absolute. best.

EJECT

Sometimes I would really like to have an EJECT button. I could use it in any situation to eject certain people, feelings, or circumstances from my life with the push of a button. Deadbeat ex-husband.. Bam! Gone! Endless debt... EJECT. Not anymore! The entire organization of Jehovah's Witnesses.. boop. No longer a problem. My family would have no reason to act like they come from the planet Weirdo. And most of all, I'd eject the rampant stupidity. It's a veritable pandemic.
This morbid stupidity is especially apparent among women, especially those old biddies who have nothing better to do than flap their sagging jowls about other people who have more important things to do. Oh yes, my friends, I have become the subject of yet another gossip mill. It seems to happen everywhere I go. It doesn't matter what I wear; someone will always say it's too tight or too short or something. That even happened when I worked at the hospital and had to wear regulation scrubs just like everybody else. It doesn't matter how professional my manners; some old bat will always make up a rumor about me having some sort of illicit affair. This time I am rumored to be having an affair with our VP, with whom I have exchanged maybe 15 words in our entire acquaintance.
I have to wonder where the hell this comes from. I wish there were a simple solution... EJECT. But there's not. I've examined every aspect of my professional persona and I can say that:
1) I see nothing wrong with anything that I wear to work. I don't wear short skirts, and I don't wear low cut shirts.
2) I do not flirt at work. There is no one here that I have any desire to flirt with. Not even remotely.
3) Maybe I am a little too open and friendly to everyone, and maybe I should not be sociable. I don't think that makes much sense, but that's all I can think of.
It makes me so freaking angry that I have to put up with that kind of crap!
Anyway I did buy a new hard drive yesterday. I'm not quite up to par again on my home computer, but I'll hopefully be there soon. Getting all of my data back from the old hard drive is a different story. I think I may have to accept that all of that stuff is gone forever. : (

The Good News is...

I can get a new hard drive for $39.99 after mail in rebate. Blah blah blah. It's looking like that's what will happen. L and I tried everything last night, and it wouldn't even start from a boot disk. The boot sector is gone, I think.

So, rather than try to reformat and lose everything on the drive anyway and still not be able to restart the computer ever again, I guess I will buy a new drive, and then assign my current drive as a slave so I can recover my stuff.. hopefully that will work. It is a royal pain in the rear.

In the meantime until I get my financials running again, I'm in deep crapola. I have bills due and I have no idea where the checks go because I havent actually mailed them in so long. Everything has been online, and all of that information is automatic in the software now. With no paper records and no way to retrieve my files yet, I'm kinda stuck. Meh.

When it rains it pours, I guess.

Crashola

My home computer has crashed in a big way. I'm not sure what happened, but I've to try and get my financial info, etc off of the hard drive before I restore. I stand to lose 100 pages of my book (and if I lose that,forget it. I'm not starting over), all of my financial info, all of my music and pictures, everything. Damn it, why didn't I back anything up?!

Hopefully I can have it running again soon, but I'm not sure how long it might take. : (

Mixed Feelings

I had a pretty good day yesterday. L and I went to look at the land, and we are both equally in love with it. We called the men who are selling it, and L is going to find out about financing options on Monday. He said he may buy both available pieces, if he can negotiate with them. I'm really excited about it.. it's exactly what we want, and only 15 minutes from work. It's perfect.

So here's where the mixed feelings come in... My ring didn't sell on ebay. I got a lot of bids, but they topped out at $400, and it's a $3,000 ring. $400 isn't going to do me much good. That wasn't even half of the reserve price. So.. I just listed it in the paper. I only felt bad for a minute.. I mean it's not as if I want to ever wear the thing again. I know I should sell it. After all, it would be just another means to an end. I know where i want to go, and what I have to get rid of to get there.

The debts have to go, and as quickly as possible. I can't let any stupid sentimentality get in my way. But for just a minute, every time I think of it, I feel like I'm losing something.

I am losing something. If I sell that ring, I'll be losing a car payment. That's enough for me. Or it should be.

And there's another thing I've learned from this whole experience.. buying things (with the exception of real estate) is a poor substitute for investment. Liquid cash is much better than any type of goods.. at least if you want to be able to use your money. It seems I always end up taking a loss when it comes to selling assets.

A List for My Sister, the Queen of the World

I have no idea how to make this coherent. So it's a list.

1) Everybody has some image inside their head of who they want to be, or who they wish they were. Our mother always used to say that she wanted to be a lady; what she meant and never said, I think, was that she wanted to be like K. She has always been waiting for the day when she can be that, but that never happens. She's the fartherest thing I can think of from what she wants to be right now. Why is that? (I use mom as an example because she's a damn good example of this behavior..) I think it was Aristotle who said that we should do everyday what we want to be. Or something along that line.

I'm trying to figure out who I want to be. I'm almost there in terms of knowing. In terms of being, I've got a ways to go.. but even a shuffle is progress. Sometimes it isn't fun; sometimes it's downright hard and miserable. but it pays off. Does my sister know who my sister wants to be? Who is she inside, where she is her perfect self? Can she realize her real ambitions and goals and needs surrounded by people who don't know and don't care? Er... no.

But you can't tell people things like this. Not and have them listen. I think you're there right now, Slammie. I think it's time for you to decide who you are and where you're going. I think you should make a list of who you would be if you were perfectly you. What would you look like? What would you wear? How would you feel? How would your friends feel about you? What would you do every day? What and who is in your life that is holding you hostage and preventing you from even knowing who you are?

2) Change is good. But it hurts like a mofo, even if the change is a good one. Case in point, I know what kind of hell you went through when you and R split. I went through the same kind of hell over J. But both of us were better out of those relationships, albeit for different reasons. Both relationships were holding us back from being. We've both got the tendency to live for other people. We have to try harder than other people to overcome that, to hold on to our own identities, to be who we are even if we do want everyone to love us.

And we do okay for two bodacious women who were conditioned to override our own sense of right and wrong almost from birth. We came into adulthood with no idea where the fences should be between ourselves and others. We never had any idea what was appropriate and what wasn't. It's all about getting rid of that anxious feeling we get when we feel like other people don't approve of us or like us. It doesn't matter who those people might be, and whether or not they are worth our time.

The lesson that parents should teach their children above all else is that of personal responsibility.. that you are in charge of your own life, and come hell or high water, you're going to pay the price for your own actions or inactions in the end. You might as well live according to your own heart. We never learned that. We learned dependence and manipulation and sublime showmanship, but not personal responsibility and definitely not discipline, strangely enough. I am trying to teach myself discipline right now. (Amazing how much weakness we can tolerate in our friends and partners, and how little we tolerate in ourselves, isn't it?)

The point here? Change is hard. Unlearning all the crap that's holding you down is hard. But it's worth it.

3) Tough love is a bitch. I know it's important, but it has to be tempered with love and compassion and common sense. In that spirit.. BOHICA.

A lot of happiness can come from relationships with friends and others, and a lot of misery as well. Like me, you've got an amazing talent for picking the wrong people to surround yourself with. I've discovered that I do this for several reasons: a) I feel sorry for the person and/or I want to save/reform/help them in some way, b) They seem to adore me and think I'm great, and that makes me feel good, until I realize that they're codependents who eventually always decide that something is wrong with anyone who would hang out with them, or c) They're there, so I figure I might as well.

I've learned to be very conscious about choosing my friends. The main question is "Do I want to be like this person, or does this person want to be like me?" If the person is someone you'd like to be like, then good. If not, run screaming in the other direction. There are people in the world who will build you up, and there are others who will do their best to hold you down. It may sound shallow, may sound bitchy. Whatever. I'll own it. So I'm a bitch who thinks that not everyone deserves my friendship. Yep. That's about right.

So let's take a look at your choices right now, shall we? A beautiful but mostly insane woman in her thirties who still behaves like an 18-year-old cocaine addicted exotic dancer... Another beautiful but mostly insane woman in her forties who expects you to read her mind and satisfy her every desire, who denigrates you at every opportunity and misses no chance to tell you what a loser you are.. A dorky looking line cook who deals drugs on the side and has been violent toward you, not to mention his disrespectful attitude toward you and his actions of last night... Some club-hopping jerk who throws shoes at you and calls you names... need I go on? Do ANY of these people know or care who you really are, and who you want to be?

UM... NO.

You are so much better than that.

Step one is deciding who you are going to be. Step two is flushing, exfoliating, and exorcising all of that shit from your life. Step three is deciding which direction you're headed in and what method of transport will take you where you want to go the fastest. Step four is buying in, getting on the bus, and not looking back. It's all cake from there.

I'm hoping one of these days I can get myself and my damn suitcase on the bus. ;)

Hang in there, Kiiiiyyyum
I love you more than I've ever been able to say.
Seriously, you're the best, no matter how many times you farted on my pillow when we were kids. : D

The Grind

The last two days at work have been pretty heinous. I dealt with one of the most unprofessional people with one of the biggest egos and the worst biddy complex I've ever seen. (Biddy complex, you ask? It's that tendency that women have to pick at other women, noted especially common among the 50-60ish women in the office. They're definitely not all that way, but the ones who are certainly are insufferable.)

Anyway, then I started getting emails from the old bat again. I was quite proud of the fact that I didn't dignify them with a response.

I ran 2 1/2 miles today at the gym, plus yoga and stretching after. I am really kinda sore, but it's a good thing.

I watched Survivor and CSI... Am I turning into a TV person after all these years?! God forbid! But I must admit that there are shows that I really do enjoy. Survivor is my favorite. I think I should be on that show. I think I could take it. I also love Extreme Home Makeover and What Not to Wear. I'd like to get my sister on What Not to Wear just so she could have $5K and a really good time. Maybe that would cheer her up. Next entry is for her. Get ready for that one.

Anyway, I found out today that a former co-worker of mine from the restaurant, a big, cute-in-a-scruffy-kinda-way line cook, has made finals on American Idol in Greensboro NC. Soon the AI folks will be in our neck of the woods. People at work have asked me if I am going to audition.. I probably won't though. I'm not a pop singer and I don't think I'm slick enough for that audience. I do have a first rehearsal with a new band on Monday. Jazz.. :D Something new for me.. I think I will love it.

I'm off tomorrow.. going to do some cleaning and some crafties and maybe dinner with some friends... Saturday we are going to look at some land. Update on that later, after I see if L likes it as much as I do.

And now I am off to type another blog entry...

Good Evening and Welcome..

..to the Dysfunction Junction semi-nightly news.

L has been home since Sunday, and right this minute he is in bed, and not feeling well at all. I know it must be bad.. he doesn't go to bed before 11 unless he's really feeling bad. Poor guy.

In other news, a lady at work had a cat stuck under her car when she arrived today. It was a kitten, probably about 4-5 weeks old. It survived the trip from her town to work (about 15 miles) and aside from being covered in brake dust was just fine. This was the cutest kitten I think I've ever seen.. calico with orange tips on her ears, and a white mustache under her little nose. She had blue eyes and six toes on each paw. I swear, it looked like she had opposable thumbs, and she can grip things with them, too! It's wild!

My boss took her home for her little neice. If she hadn't, L would probably be unhappy with me right now, because I would have come home with another cat. Monster would probably hate me forever if I'd done that. So it's just as well.

And now I am trying to decide which task I need to tackle first this evening. I have been putting off the balancing of my bank accounts because I know I am far, far in the hole this month. I have one ebay bid on the ring, but unless more people really start bidding soon, it won't sell. I have to list the other stuff on ebay soon, because I need some cash, and the room in the garage wouldn't be bad either.

I went to the gym again today. So far I am doing well on my "workout every day" plan. I ran 2 miles yesterday, and a mile and a half today. Tomorrow it's back to 2, until I can do it without too much trouble, then I'll go to 3, and so on. I can definitely feel the difference, but unfortunately I can't see the difference yet. I hope that happens soon. My pictures from HH really brought home to me the fact that I am starting to look rather like a wide load.

Not being perfect is one thing. Looking like a tube sock stuffed with cottage cheese is another. It's been a few weeks, and I still haven't lost my first 10 lb. I wouldn't have the money right now for my promised trip to Victoria's Secret anyway, but I wouldn't argue with saving the reward for later if I could feel a little better about myself.

I'd really actually like a nap right now, to tell the truth. But if I do that, I'll never get anything else done. So I'm off to be productive.

Here I am with the hibiscus...

Our best imitation of a couple of drunken firemen..er.. women. The bad part is that this was the beginning of the evening.  

Gone and Done It

Well I finally put the ring on ebay. I probably won't sell it and will just get stuck paying the $20 listing fee, with my luck.. but I didn't want to risk having to sell it to someone for $3 because I didn't want to pay for the reserve price listing. : If I can sell it, I can pay off the car($1000), and that will really help me out.

I have several other things that will be going on the auction block, as well. A coffee table and some end tables, a comforter set, some other random stuff that is sitting in the garage collecting dust, and reminds me of something I'd rather forget.

Is it normal to feel this disgusted about your past? For some reason lately I've been feeling like a real moron for letting everything go south on me the way I did. I guess it feels safe to think about it, now that it's all over and done with.

Meh. Anyway it's time to hit the shower and go to bed. L will be home tomorrow!