Or Maybe Not

Yeah, I've got more to say tonight. To start with, I can't really explain this mood I'm in tonight, even to myself. I just feel disconnected.. and a little pissed off. But I can't really put a finger on what I'm pissed off at.. just life in general, I guess.

My life is good. I don't really have all that much to be pissed off at. But I should thank my lucky stars that I don't get like this often anymore. It used to be an every day occurrence. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who grew up with me. Or maybe my ex-husband. I imagine he could tell you.

I'm just thinking too much. I want someone or something to take my mind off of all of this, and nobody is stepping up to the plate. Fair enough-- it really isn't anyone else's responsibility. I should just go to bed and listen to L breathe until I fall asleep myself. But for some reason, that just isn't working tonight.

To start with, there's my mother. I'm glad that she is finally realizing that some things have to change. I am glad that she is finally going to let me help her.. but I am scared shitless of what's going to happen now. With the disease, with everything. And it makes me furious that I'm scared of it.

And damn it, I miss Gracie.

Then there's L and all of the pressure lately.. All of our friends can't seem to give it a rest with the "when are you getting married" crap. It's a big joke now. We both roll our eyes. But there's a part of me (an immature, stupid part, but a part nonetheless) that really resents that.. because it's a joke now. Part of me wants to say to hell with it, I don't ever want to get married again.. let's just live together until hell freezes over.. and then there's that other part that says hell no, I'm better than that. What that means, I couldn't tell you.

I don't want to be someone's girlfriend when I have 2 kids and I'm 40.

And I'm doing a really good job of making this somehow about L, when it's really not. It's really about me and my bad attitude.

It's really about my mother.

There's not anyone to talk to about this. I can talk to any number of people about it, but they're not listening. Not really. It's pretty easy to tell... I just feel like I'm alone with it, like it's going to take over. Like she's going to take over.

Maybe I'm not so well adjusted as I'd like to think.

I want to help and I want to do the right thing. I just don't want to be reeled in. I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster, and I'm afraid that this is going to be a wilder ride than any of the insane gravity-defying bullshit we ever did before.