Chop Chop

Yesterday after work I went to see Trigger. It was raining, so we didn't play very many games outside like we usually do. We did a quick run through of all the games and then went back to the barn. I had to lock Sundance in his stall because he kept biting Trigger and making him get upset while I was trying to pick out his feet.

Once I had Sundance out of the way, I spent about an hour brushing Trigger, petting him, cleaning out his front hooves, combing out his mane. It amazes me that his mane never gets snarled and tangled like Amara's used to.. It stays long, untangled (for the most part) and pretty. His tail is another story.. it's the color of red mud now.

He is still a pretty horse.. he just looks golden and... orange.. now. But maybe that's good. He's a clemson fan too.

We ate dinner with A2 and the boys. A1 was busy and didn't get home until after we left. And today is already busy..

Mom is coming home today.. UT is driving her in a rental car to a hospital in Danbury NC, where she will stay until we can get rid of the MRSA and find another surgeon to put her hip back in.

I have about a thousand things to do before we leave for Tallahassee today, most notably packing some clothes to wear.. So I'd better get off of this thing and get with it. I might be away from the blogosphere until Tuesday..

Money

We talked about finances again yesterday, and I don't know why that is such an uncomfortable subject. Then again, maybe I do. Everything has always been about money for me.. Mom was always wanting me to ask Dad for it. Every boyfriend I have ever had except for L has expected me to provide all of it. I have never, ever had enough of it. But then, does anyone?

With L, I sometimes feel that I am not contributing enough.. or rather that he feels like I don't. He says that he doesn't feel that way.. but my percentage of the regular bills is about $175 a month more than I can pay. And that's not taking into account the recent major purchases, which he says I should contribute to.

I have no problem with that. It changes a few things.. Obviously up to this point I have been paying a flat amount to live there, like rent. I am not a renter there; it's all our stuff, not just his. It is good that he is thinking that way, and I don't mind paying for a percentage of it. I just can't pay it quickly.

Things will be a lot easier when I have the old debt from J paid off. 16 months more, at the rate I'm going, and it will all be gone. Then the only debt I will have left will be student loans.

Of course, about that time my car will die, with my luck.

Today was not a day for writing

.. too busy
And now i'm off to the house to look at finances and try to decide what we want for dinner.

Meh
I am so boring today. I know. I promise to be more interesting tomorrow.

Famous last words, eh?

Fruitcakes

I'm still feeling "oochie" as MM would say.. my stomach is still in strong disagreement with whatever I ate Saturday night. I am supposed to go to the gym today, but AC has invited me to lunch, and I really don't feel like working out. So I may start working out again tomorrow. I don't know.

I have to go to the feed store this afternoon, and then to band practice. Hopefully I can make it an early night. And hopefully this will be a short week. Thursday we are leaving for Tallahassee for the big CLemson-FSU game.

I have broken the news to L that I am going to wear a Clemson shirt to the game. I'll wear my Seminoles hat, but the shirt is solid orange. He is taking it surprisingly well. :) We watched football yesterday.. well off and on.. mostly he watched football and I slept using him (his chest, his stomach) as a pillow. It was quite nice.

Today I am once again without most of my coworkers.. The lucky ducks are at the beach. I wish I was at the beach. *sigh* I know what I need. I need some music.

How about some Jimmy Buffett? Fruitcakes. That'll work...

Recap

This weekend was too short.

Friday night we went out with CJ and R, of course. We had a great time.
Saturday I went shopping with AC. We also had a great time. I found some beautiful clothes and was sorely tempted to drop a few hundred dollars on a dove gray suit like I have been looking for forever and couldn't find. I didn't, but no one is saying that I won't go back and get it.

Last night we went to the neighborhood luau, which was really fun, surprisingly enough after the last party we went to.. The only problem was that apparently someone didn't practice food safety, and I was sick all night last night. I have been kind of queasy all day as well.

I went to CJ's church this morning. It was tiny. Tiny and pretty nice.. lots of older folks. And they NEED HELP with the music program. CJ was not kidding about that. Jury is still out on whether or not I will start singing there.. but it's a possibility.

I stopped by to see A1 and A2, said hello to Trigger, fed him a horse cookie and petted his ears, and then L and I went to lunch and to the grocery store. We didn't buy as many groceries as we usually do, mainly because we were full and feeling slightly ill. By the time we got home, we were dragging our butts behind us.. we went to sleep on the couch and stayed that way until almost time for dinner.

I wanted to go to New Spring tonight to hear John Maxwell speak. In fact, I had been looking forward to it all week.. but I slept through it. :( OH well. Maybe next time.

L is watching a Kevin Costner movie because he said he can't bear one more minute of the 9-11 propaganda on all the TV stations. I am inclined to agree. Now don't get me wrong-- I am still as angry as the next person about 9-11.. but I refuse to be whipped into some righteous frenzy every time someone says "September eleventh." Neither will I succumb to the fear-mongering that is on the news every night.

It's Un-American and I am not going to do it.

But that's a soapbox I don't have the energy for right now. My stomach hurts.

Waiting

The question of the day is: What the hell am I waiting for?

Why do I put off the things I want to do? Why do I make excuses not to do the things I want most to do, or that I am called to do?

For instance, I want to continue my education. I have put this off for almost 2 years now because "the time isn't right" or "I'm not ready" or "what will so and so think if I go back to school?" Well who cares? I'm going. I have been in the process of writing my application for months.. it only takes about an hour to write the only remaining portion of my application.. then there's nothing left but the editing. I'm doing it. This weekend.

I have also known for quite some time now that music is one of my callings. I am supposed to sing. I am doing no one any favors trying to act like it's just a hobby and I don't intend to do it seriously. Because I do.

I am going to a new 6church on Sunday, where I have been asked to sing. This is a BIG step for me.. I'm doing it. I won't be singing this Sunday, but sometime soon I probably will be. (Don't worry, PR, I am also going to try and go to NS Sunday as well).

Later: Fri Nite Jazz downtown. Saturday: Neighborhood Luau.. this should be interesting...

I've Got It All

Air Conditioning! Refrigeration! Cooking power! It's all at my house!

We cooked lemon pepper chicken on our new stove last night. It was excellent, and even better because we weren't pouring sweat while we tried to eat. Now all we need is a big trip to the grocery store.

I'm meeting with CJ and some people from Clemson today about the band playing this fall. I really hope something comes of it. I am ready to be out somewhere.. our studio is growing claustrophobic.

More on that later, if I feel inclined to post again. Right now I know that there is no way anything I say is going to be interesting enough to read.

Something Strange is Going On Here...

I am not sure I have the energy to contemplate a post about my sister's latest series of (unfortunate) events. ;) Of course I have a lot to say on the subject, a lot of opinions that I could express here, but in the end, who would really care? Would it make a difference? Not likely.

And besides that, there is something really strange going on. It is likely that I will chalk it up to 5 days of Prednisone, ending Monday evening. And the fact that I worked out really hard yesterday. Anyway, there were several strange things that happened yesterday:

1) Right before i left the office, I was sitting at my desk shutting down my computer, and I had this sudden, suffocating feeling, as if there was no air in the room. For about 15 seconds, I was absolutely terrified... and then nothing. Everything was exactly the way it was before it happened, except that my face was flushed and my ears were ringing.

2) I was so hungry by the time I got home from work that I was shaking. I cooked some pasta and ate two entire bowls full before I began to feel like I wasn't going to pass out.

3) Later, I was lying in bed reading a book when I heard something.. it was like a whine or a muffled cry or a deep cough or something, and I didn't know where it was coming from. I thought something was wrong with Barney or Denver, so I jumped up and ran out into the garage to check on them, afraid one of them was choking to death or something. Both were sitting there in their crates, looking at me. In that instant, I was sure that it was L, that he was having a heart attack or choking or something. I don't know why I thought this, but I did.

My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to knock me down. Of course L was fine, sitting on the couch watching TV. I imagine that the sound I heard was either the TV or Barney getting ready to howl, or maybe the neighbor's dog outside. I don't know.

4) This morning, I had a hard time waking up. I had strange dreams all night. On the drive in to work, I completely missed my turn and didn't even realize it until I was waaaaaay past where I needed to be. Instead of turning around, I thought I'd just get there another way, and ended up with no idea where the heck I was. Obviously I eventually found my way here, but it was very strange.

So anyway..
Later today we will have new refrigeration and improved cooking power. O Joy!!!

Tuesday's List

1) The children are back on campus, making it extremely difficult to go to the gym late in the day. I made the mistake of trying to go work out after work yesterday. There wasn't even room to walk down to the locker room, much less work out. I much prefer the lunch crowd (i.e. old grizzled professors and the occasional staff member such as myself). They don't ogle you (well at least not most of the time) and they don't hog the weights.

2) I need to lose about 20 pounds. *sigh*

3) Clemson won against Florida Atlantic last weekend, FSU won against Miami last night. See, L, I am paying attention to football just for you.

4) At the game watching party last night, I saw the guy who introduced me to L. I can't imagine what I ever saw in him in the same way I can't imagine what I ever saw in J. The word was rebound and I'm glad I got it over with quickly. It could have been much nastier and more painful, and I could have come out with a much less pleasant result.

I guess you could say that I saw the situation in a new light last night (funny how my brain is always working on something like this, some analysis of the past to try and learn everything I can from it). L is the best boyfriend ever and quite possibly the closest thing to a perfect match I could ever have. I adore him. Is that obvious yet?

5) New fridge and new stove tomorrow! And maybe they'll get the AC running as well!!! I can't wait!


Later: The New-to-this-blog but Long-Standing Saga of My Sister, the Dancing Queen. Maybe. Unless I decide it would be safer not to touch that. ; )

Refrigeration and Celebration

Well. This has certainly been an entertaining weekend!

Yesterday L and I went to lunch at P.F. Chang's (yum!). We then struck out on an epic quest for a new refrigerator, since all of the groceries we bought after having our old refrigerator repaired last week have now also gone bad because the stupid thing crapped out again. The AC is still on the blink as well, of course. Our luck with appliances needs to change, and quickly!

So we went to Lowe's. Then we hit Home Depot, where we found a depressingly small array of dinged-up appliances available for purchase. Nothing like the gleaming selection at Lowe's, even if the financing deal at Lowe's was definitely nothing to write home about.

We drove to a local "appliance and TV center", but they were closed because it was Sunday. So we went to Sear's, the old standby for appliances since the beginning of time. There we found an Indian lady and an elderly salesman who helped us choose a new 25.4 cu ft refrigerator in a black and stainless combo finish (no fingerprints!) and a new extraspecial superamalgamated black and stainless steel convection oven that does everything you can possibly think of (it stores recipes! it has a warming drawer underneath! it slow cooks! it self-cleans! it mops the floor! ok, not really, but you get the idea).

L couldn't stand the thought of the stove and the fridge not matching. Even he was laughing at himself about this.

Mr. Elderly salesman wrote up our customer file under "Mr. and Mrs. P" and gave us 15% off our total purchase plus 6 months no interest. We will have the whole $2000 paid off by then, so it was actually a tolerably good deal. The new appliances will be delivered on Wednesday, complete with warranty and service contracts.

And I got to be Mrs. L.P. for a whole hour. We had a good laugh about that, too.

Then we went to "Celebrate Anderson." CJ played our band's jam CD as opener music for the program. That was kinda cool, listening to us coming through that big PA system, and watching people start tapping their feet. Dionne Warwick sang, but she was violently ill, apparently, and the vocals were all over the place. Still, it was kinda cool. And the fireworks were spectacular. The thing I didn't enjoy was watching A1 work her a$$ off while her bosses and coworkers sat around and drank and ate and enjoyed themselves.

She works too hard for people who take the credit for her accomplishments and treat her like essentially a non-entity. She is wasting her hard work and missing out on her family, and she doesn't even see it right now. I worry that she will burn out. But.. she doesn't really call me anymore, so what can I really say about it? Right.

Other interesting occurrences last night: More of the same snideness from certain members of the "group" who seem to believe that there is something wrong with "dancing with the one that brung ya".. i.e. that L and I can come to the events together if we must, but there is something wrong with actually enjoying each other's company. Sorry ladies.. he's my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I see no reason to ignore him all evening just because you hate your husband and you want me to listen to you trash him. Deal with it.

CJ introduced me to about 1000 people. And when L and I got home, Barney the golden lab tried to dig his way to China by way of his crate, in the garage. Needless to say, he didn't get very far, but he did succeed in keeping us awake half the night.

And now.. happy labor day. I'm the only one in my department who's working today. : )

New Rugs...

The new and improved dining room.. the 8x10 rug was an instant hit with the cat (Monster adored this rug!) and will look great with the new curtains, once I actually sew them!
The matching foyer rug.. I love these! I can't wait until we get dining room furniture! This house is going to be so so so cool when we get finished with it!

But the fridge has died again, so I got dry ice so we could try and save our frozen goods yet again. L is picking out a new fridge online now, and we will probably go see it in the store (Lowe's or HD?) tomorrow.

We're going to "Celebrate Anderson" tomorrow night. Anyone want to go (Papa Ridgeback? Anyone?)?? Dionne Warwick is singing... not that I am overly excited about Dionne Warwick, but there will be lots of free fireworks... : )

L and I had an adventure last night. We slept on the fold out couch in front of L's window unit AC. It was just like camping in a blanket tent between two chairs when you were a kid! I got up early, though, because L always gets up at 7 am and lets the dogs in.. I didn't want to get a slobber shower from Denver, the dog who adores me. I love him too, but I don't like being covered in dog spit while I am sleeping. Or any other time for that matter.

Talked to Mom tonight.. they must have given her the happy drugs this time. She was in a good mood. They should write that one down and send us home with a lifetime supply. Its the first conversation I've had with her that wasn't melodramatic in a long time.

Anyway, I am loading half of L's CD collection into my iTunes right now, so I'm off to check its progress...

Horses

"Does this long white tail make my butt look big??"
Shy...
The broom thief in action..

It's Friday

This morning I woke to the sound of my incessantly ringing telephone. One cup of coffee left in the coffee maker, one more discussion in an endless stream of them about the same issues with my mother. She has apparently decided that I am "against her" and "in cahoots with the doctor" and that I don't want her to come home. All this because I think she should follow the advice of her doctor. It makes me want to scream. She doesn't want help. She doesn't care about what's best for her. She also has no idea of how to behave like an adult. She's like the dizzy heroines of those old black and white movies who swooned every 4.6 minutes and screamed, whined, or cried about everything. Seriously, it gets exhausting and quite annoying after a while.

Me: "Mom, you need to wait until your blood count is at least in the double digits before you try to leave the hospital.."

Mom: "*GASP* Wuuaaaaaugh! How could you? I'll never forgive you for leaving me here! Nevahhhh!!! *sob, sob*"

Because we all know this is my fault. And then there's her apparent hearing problem:

Dr: I am concerned that you wouldn't have enough space in a standard airline seat for your wound not to be pressed against the armrest. The wound must have enough room so that nothing touches it..."

Mom hears: "You're too fat to fit in a plane seat."

There is no winning in this situation. A smart person would give up.

So I spent a few minutes after this joyful start to the day deciding that I didn't want to do anything I could think of doing. Not songwriting, certainly. Not the pool, or cleaning the house, or going back to bed or eating breakfast or anything, dammit!

So I went to Chick-fil-A with Papa Ridgeback and had a long discussion about things many and sundry. Then I went to the feed store, and then to see Trigger. A still has my keys to my house, and on that keyring is my key to the pasture, so I had to carry the two 50 lb bags of feed by hand. That was fun. : (

But Trigger finally figured out how to sidepass today. He only does it on one side, and only for a few steps, but for him that is huge. I am quite proud of him. He is a sweet boy. I can't wait until I can ride him.

Sundance tried to eat the broom from the tack room.. that was quite comical. He took it and ran into his stall with it, hoping to hide and eat all the bristles before I noticed it was missing.

Then I watched A, C1, C2, and C2's friends, Lil Country Boy and Army Kid try and replaced the stairs to the deck. The were attempting to do this without power tools. It was quite entertaining. Army Kid is alarmingly like J (aka numbnuts) was 10 years ago.

He likes all eyes on him, and he is either talking about the Army, fights he has gotten into since he's been in the Army, how much he knows about "females", or he is singing cadences. My stomach turned when I realized I knew the words to the cadences he was singing. Bleh. Blargh! And he kept telling A3 "when we get married, you ain't gonna..." Of course this was a joke, but I couldn't help thinking, if A3 ever gets it in her head to marry something like that, I'll kidnap her and run away to some college campus far away where she can meet someone with a future who won't cheat on her.

Gee, I'm not a bit biased against Army Kid at all, am I? Heh. He is a nice kid. They're all nice kids. I promised C1 pictures of me and L when we were in high school.. with 80s hair and in L's case, that mustache!!! : )

Tomorrow: Going to Gaffney to pick up rugs.

Back at Work, Need Some Ice Cream

Well folks, I'm back in the office, and feeling a lot better today. Dr. P called in some meds for me.. Aciphex for my ulcers-in-training, and Prednisone for the other stuff that ails me. Heck if I know what that's going to accomplish.. not like I need steroids. But he's the doctor, so I'll do what he says. Apparently he is pretty smart, cause I feel much better. Doctors are funny like that.

Speaking of which, Mom is trying to tiptoe around hers again. She's got some social worker who gets her all worked up daily about sending her home next week. Meanwhile the doctor knows nothing about what's going on and the social worker hasn't read mom's chart. I mention this to mom, and she says that the social worker is "in cahoots" with the doctors. What exactly in involved in "cahoots?" I'd really like to know.. It seems to me that being "in cahoots" would mean that the doctor would know not only of the social worker's existence (which he didn't when I talked to him Monday), but also her name and what she was planning (which he also didn't).

This situation is an ongoing cluster f*&^ and I am tired of it dominating my every thought. It's making my ulcers develop quicker, and lord knows they don't need any help in that department. Nobody is listening and nobody is communicating, and damn it, I am not responsible for my mother.

So, moving on.. The fridge guy came out this morning. L says they have to order a part, and we should have refrigeration again as early as tomorrow. Tonight we are having an effing FEAST at our house! We should theoretically also have air conditioning by the end of the week. Praise the Lord and pass the ice packs.

&^%$ What Are the Odds??!

There are so many appropriate titles for this post. So many to choose from, like "WTF?!" and "Why Now?!" and "You have GOT to be effin kidding me!" and even "What, we don't look hot ENOUGH without any AC??"

What am I raving about?

The refrigerator just died.

(*&^!! What the &^%$ing (*&^ )#(&*!!! The refrigerator and the freezer too. Did I mention a recent trip to Sam's for chicken and pork chops and salmon and shrimp, not to mention the ice cream and dogsters that are slowly defrosting under ice in the cooler? :(

And I still feel like crap. The doc called in a few doses of Prednisone and some Aciphex. Hopefully that will do some good. Meh. I can't believe this!

Some More Pictures

A few more of my attempts at photography. :) I especially like the last one, with the lamp..

Some Words

I am home sick today.
Trying to work anyway, but feeling all hot and sweaty and gross and sick is not making grant proposals any more interesting than they are at the office, that's for sure.

So i think I'll post some more pictures and then go lie down somewhere.

San Fran Pictures, Anyone?

L is making friends with the Dolly Llama (that is its actual name, folks, I promise).
L at The Rock.. I was inside the cell taking the picture, but he looks like the one behind bars here..
Yours truly, looking unsuitably fluffy in wine country.. Those are pinot grapes behind me..
The view from the top.. actually from the back of a trolley car.
Here we are on the Alcatraz ferry.

No Dust-Covered Fans, Please

Let me start by saying that I feel absolutely horrible today. Since the air conditioner is dead, L brought the oscillating fan from the living room in last night, and it blew right in my face all night. The problem is that the fan is choked with dust, so you can only imagine my predicament this morning. I feel like I've swallowed a giant ball of yarn soaked in rubber cement. I can't breathe and I feel like I could toss my cookies at any moment.

Now there's a lovely thought for a Tuesday morning.

So. It's hot at home, and it's freezing at work, and I feel like calling today a complete waste (at 7:26 am) and going back to bed.

Meh. Yesterday just plain sucked as well, although at least I didn't feel like this. Yesterday Mom had an episode and I had to call the doctor. Mom says that regardless of her health and safety, she needs to be back in North Carolina, and going back there will solve all of her problems. She doesn't care if the trip kills her, or if she spreads a deadly bacteria halfway across the country and infects the whole family, she wants to go home and there is no reasoning with her.

The doctor says that (ironically enough) her physical condition is improving somewhat, but her mental state is declining at the speed of light. I know this new inability to control her thoughts and what comes out of her mouth must be terrifying to her.. but there is something terribly wrong with withholding that kind of information about symptoms from your doctor, and then telling your family members that they have to do something about it. Like it has to be some secret and she doesn't want the doctor to know.

I have no clue what could possibly be done to stop that kind of thing. The only thing I can do is continue to give myself ulcers. Mom seems to think that there is some sort of conspiracy afoot to keep her in Arkansas forever as a lab specimen or something. I am quite certain that her doctor would love to send her packing back to NC and never have to set eyes on her again, and given the circumstances, I can't really blame him. She's unreasonable, out of touch with reality, and she doesn't care about anything except what she wants regardless of what the consequences might be.

AAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh. I feel like I'm on some big, incredibly stupid carnival ride that keeps going around and around and around and nothing you can do or say will make a difference or make any of it make sense.

I should try to get some work done.. maybe then I won't feel so bad.

List Number 427,659

1. The wine tour was great. Everything about the whole day was great, until after a phenomenal dinner, where I might have gotten a good buzz on, after which L told me that he could always tell when I was feeling the alcohol because that's when I started talking. I get serious about making a point, he said, and most of the time it's a point that doesn't need to be made. Why that infuriated me I have no idea. It's most likely true. But I spent the rest of the night in a cold fury. He has no idea, of course. I didn't say a word about it.. just let it steep in my mind until I was furious at the world and most of all myself for ever having anything to say in the first place. Stupid, stupid, stupid.. but unexpected anger happens a lot these days. Thankfully at least I kept my mouth shut.. at last I managed to do that. So everything is fine and now that I'm sober, the comment is rather innocuous.. not the smartest thing he's ever said by a long shot, but not quite the worst. It's certainly not the worst I've ever heard. So anyway.

2) While we were gone, the brand new compressor in the air conditioner crapped out somehow, after only a few days on the job, so once again we are without air conditioning. It's a million degrees out, with 100% humidity, as usual. I spent some time at the pool today with a thick Stephen King novel, then cooked steaks on the grill. L is sprawled on the couch watching a movie and trying not to sweat too much.

3) Mom is not doing well. I think her disaster magnet status has once again been upgraded, because apparently now she has more than one infection, perhaps more than two. It's really hard to say because she is slurring her words and talking out of her head. Worst of all, she realizes it and pulls herself back from it for a minute and I can tell that it terrifies her that she has been talking about god-knows-what for minutes at a stretch and not a word of it makes sense. It's a very scary thing.. I hope I hear something from the doctor tomorrow on what could be causing this newest (worst) development.

4) Jet lag sucks. This morning I felt like I had the hangover to end all hangovers.. but I didn't so much as sniff a drink all day yesterday. Right now, 9 pm-ish eastern time, it's 6-ish in San Francisco, and while I don't feel all energetic and ready to go party, i don't feel like sleeping either. In fact, I don't feel like much of anything at the moment.

5) Tomorrow it's band practice again, and before that I will drop in on my golden boy. I should hear from the trainer sometime this week about Trigger's trip to school. Got a lot going on, as usual, but not so much I want to write about at this second. So I guess this is the end of the list for now. Sorry it isn't more interesting.. but I am feeling remarkably uninspired at the moment.

The Truth Is

I break my own heart 99% of the time.

San Fran Disco

Ok, the title means nothing. I just thought it was cute.

I actually have quite a bit to say, but not enough time in which to think if all out so as to present it clearly.. or interestingly enough that anyone would want to read it. So, a short list:

1) San Francisco is an awesome city. We have been having an excellent time so far. Last night we had an unbelievable Italian dinner. Last night was good all the way around. We ended up staying in our hotel room when we went up to put the things we bought away before going to look for a bar.. we skipped the drinks and it was just fine.

2) Mom is back to scheming with the social workers to try and go home. She is also angry with me again because she says I don't care about her because I won't go to the doctor again with the exact same question I asked him 3 days ago regarding her ability to be transferred home. I am not going to rehash with her again the same reasons why that can't happen right now. When the doctor thinks it is safe and reasonable to send her home, he will tell us. Until then, I do not have the time or energy to waste worrying about that. I'm much more concerned with getting her well and getting rid of the MRSD and the other infection she has somehow contracted (don't ask me how. I have no idea). If that makes me a bad person, well ok. I own it. I am a bad person, and I suck. Do I look sufficiently depressed? Ok.

3) On a much happier note, I have the perfect boyfriend. Maybe I am bragging a little bit here, but I can't think of one thing I want in a man that he isn't. He rocks.

The time difference here in SF versus home means that we wake up a lot earlier than we normally would.. There is something... magic.. about waking up to someone watching you sleep, touching you just because they want to touch you and no other reason. Maybe I am goofy when it comes to "romance" but that does it for me.

Yes, Muffinhead/Juliet , I am spoiled rotten.

4) We did a very involved, very tough example case study in my class today and yesterday, and I got every question right! I am quite proud of myself, even though it's not as if this is a major accomplishment. Still kind of cool. :)

5) I miss Trigger and Monster and the doggies. I have petted a few store cats here, but they just don't compare to my own furry chilluns.

Now I am off to change my clothes and go do a little shopping. :D

The Woods

The latest news:
We're not out of the woods, but at least we can see the sky now and there isn't so much underbrush. Mom came through the surgery, but she lost a lot of blood, which is not good for someone who won't take blood transfusions. : Anyway, she's okay for now, which is excellent news. She will be taking a new, experimental antibiotic to try and knock the infection out, though MRSA is apparently the #1 antibiotic resistant skin infection in the United States. It won't be easy, but I think she will come through this.

In other news, I went to a fundraiser for the Sertoma Club tonight. L was a perfect date, perfect gentleman, hilarious dance floor confederate, as usual. He cracks me up! And apparently several other ladies were rather unhappy that he was so "attentive" and actually talked to me most of the time we were there.

I did dance with my friend C, who plays sax in the band. That was so funny.. I kept trying to lead, and he is so much taller than me that my feet didn;t touch the ground most of the time, so it really was an interesting sort of dance. It was great... we all had fun.

The dinner at the place sucked out loud, though. The barbecue was so salty that I will have to drink at least 3 gallons of water to rehydrate, and if I should happen to die in my sleep, my body will still be perfectly preserved several millenia from now. Really. It was horrible. And they only had BBQ, potato chips, and baked beans. The tickets were $25 each.. come on, at least give us dessert! We had fun anyway, but ... meh on the food.

Tomorrow: Packing for San Francisco, calling Mom, and cleaning house.

The Verdict is In

My mother is now on morphine and stoned out of her mind. My uncle is out there with her, and she's going to surgery tomorrow morning.

The doctor called me and said that it's MRSD. This is the worst possible news at this point. It's a superbug, and it means that she can't leave Arkansas, because there won't be a transport company willing to take her anywhere. She's an infection risk to anywhere she is transported, and the infection has basically taken over her whole body, with the exception of her abdominal cavity. The object of tomorrow's surgery is to try and clean it out of her deep tissue and hip joint area, to keep it out of her abdomen and hopefully stop it in its tracks.

We don't really know what her chances are of surviving this thing at this point. It's terrible, made more terrible by the fact that I am not in control here and I am having a hard time dealing with that.

No matter how much I protest, MRSD is not listening. It doesn't give a shit what I have to say.

And God is beseiged with prayers on her behalf, from JWs, from Baptists, from Pentecostals, from Wiccans and atheists and hippies. Funny how we all sound the same in times like this.

He has not forgotten, Mother. Listen to what he is trying to tell you and know that whatever happens is His will. He is in control, not any of us, as hard as that may be to accept.

*sigh* A person's entire life cannot consist of bouncing from one crisis to another. It can't be possible. Something good has to be on its way, because we've already been through all of the adversity and tribulations allotted to at least three lifetimes.

It's the only thing I can hold on to: He has not forgotten.

Get Motivated! Everything Sucks!

I went to the famed Get Motivated! seminar yesterday with everyone from work. It was actually quite interesting.. The speakers included Steve Forbes, Zig Ziglar, Steve Spurrier, and Rudy Giuliani. They talked about goals (of course!), finances, investing, and interpersonal relationships, and the Presidency. Overall, I was glad I went because I am in dire need of motivation.

However, whatever cloud I had managed to climb onto dissipated like a match blasted by an economy sized fire extinguisher by afternoon. People started calling the second I turned my phone back on.. they wanted their grant paperwork NOW, etc. And there were dread rumors about my mother's condition, which unfortunately have been substantiated this morning.

The doctor called about an hour ago, and it has taken me this long to process everything in my confused, overworked, overwrought little brain. Mom is severely infected and they are going in to remove the joint completely tomorrow morning. Her blood count is dangerously low, and she isn't budging in her refusal to accept a life-saving blood transfusion, should the need arise. They're planning to put in an antibiotic implant and keep her on IV antibiotics for the duration.

What this amounts to is 3-4 months in an Arkansas nursing home after this surgery. Followed by starting all over with a completely new hip replacement. Followed by 8-12 weeks of recovery time from that operation. What that will mean is that next March she might be able to come home. She will have been there almost a year by then.

My uncle is going out there tomorrow to be with her, and I am leaving for San Francisco on Sunday for training. I have a feeling that this is never going to end well. My head hurts.

The Weekend and One

I've been trying to find time to write for several days, but there has been so much going on that I haven't been able to. Add that to the fact that I'm not feeling particularly creative, and the words seem to just stick sometimes, and you've got slow times in blogville.

So here's the weekend at a glance:
Saturday we went to Clinton Anderson's show. L was a real trooper.. he sat through an entire day of horse training, and even ate lunch at Skin's hot dogs. Hot dogs are not his favorite choice for lunch. Not by a long shot. That evening, however, made up for any shortcomings in the culinary department.. We ate at Pixie & Bill's, and man was it good!

Sunday I spent the day with my friend Joy and Trigger. Trig was a bit attitudinal at first, but once he realized who exactly was in charge, he calmed down. This was after he slipped in the mud and fell down because he decided that if I was going to make him move his feet, he was going to move them as fast as he possibly could!!!

Monday I was busy at work, and then Mom called and the saga continued. She has apparently damaged her hip AGAIN, and the jury is still out on whether or not she will require another surgery. She didn't tell anyone this time when she hurt herself because I guess she figured that she'd get to go home quicker if she just let it go. Instead she now has a messed up hip again, a blood clot or two, an infection, and a bad attitude. The rehab hospital has refused to take her back, and she's back in the hospital at UAMS. Her surgeon is thoroughly sick of her, and I am just about at the end of my rope with her as well.

It's like she doesn't think. It's like she doesn't even TRY to think about the consequences of not following the doctor's orders. She was supposed to call his office the minute she had certain symptoms, like drainage from the incision site. Instead she said nothing and now she's in worse shape than she was before. At least she didn't complete re-break the hip.. she just moved the prosthesis around some.

Damn! I need a vacation.

I am going to San Francisco on Sunday, even though my mother really wants me to come to arkansas again instead. : And now I have work to do.

If I were Chinese, my name would be...

Xu Bin Rui

Get yours Here

Yeah, I stole this link from Joe, but it's pretty cool :)

Fab Friday

Today was a good day. L and I went shopping at the outlet mall, with a stop at a certain Ginormous Rug Outlet with a certain hyperactive blonde spokesmodel. Anyway, we bought two rugs.. one huge one for the dining room, and a smaller one for the foyer. They'll be beautiful when we get them home.. and as L said, the next house we have will incorporate the same color scheme as this one. The rugs will dictate it. They were far too expensive to do otherwise.

Then we came home, where I retired to the creekbank with a couple of cold beers and a good crime novel. It was excellent.. but I was wrong about who the real perp was, as usual.

My mom's doctor's office finally called and told me the latest on her progress. The doc is out of town, which explains the lack of communication earlier in the week. Mom is there for at least another 3-4 weeks, so I can breathe easier about the upcoming trip to San Fran. GF is in KY at Jean's, so all is good on that front as well. A3 called, and things are not so good at the barn-- Trigger bit her today. She said he didn't hurt her, but I am glad that he is going to the trainer just the same. Here's hoping that we can work out both the kicking and the biting issues while he's there.

When I got back up to the house, I saw that L had cooked dinner.. pasta and shrimp with cream sauce and garlic bread. (Did I mention that I love this man?) We ate, and then I noticed that he had visited the movie store while I was reading.. and set up the Super Fabulous Outdoor Theatre, complete with tiki torches and our plastic adirondak chairs. We watched Dreamer on the big screen (Not only does he cook me dinner and set up a theatre quality outdoor place to watch movies, he gets horse movies for me!!) and of course I loved it, not for its subtlety or some serious film-as-art reason, but because it had a little girl and a horse!!!

It was very romantic, with the tiki torches and the shrimp and everything.

I admitted I am a dork a long time ago. Don't look at me like that!

And now it's time to put the dogs in their crates and go to bed.. Tomorrow, Clinton Anderson at T Ed Garrison. :D

Trigger Has a Bath

Here's my boy, all wet once again. He's so pretty! I love him! And his tail never gets tangled.
Here we are, post-brushing and Parelli-ing, and pre-bathing. I am sending him to a trainer in September, by the way. He will be there for 2 months, but the man assures me that I can come visit anytime I want. :)
Here is A3 riding Sundance. She has come a long way with him! She had him trotting around the ring yesterday, and she's riding in nothing but her halter and lead rope, bareback!

Let's Pretend

I am in that kind of mood today... It's a good time for a game of Lets Pretend. Or, as we used to call it when I was a kid, Pretend Like.

Ok. So Let's Pretend that my Mom isn't on her way to the Emergency Room for a blood clot that has now moved to her neck. Pretend like the doctor has called me back, and it's really nothing. I like that a lot better than what is actually going on right now.

Pretend Like I am not developing narcolepsy or something. I went to bed at 8:30 last night. Let's Pretend it was 11:45, shall we?

While we're at it, Pretend Like I have just won a million dollars and I am exempt from paying taxes on it. Shoot, make it $300 million. We're pretending here. I would also like to pretend that I weigh about 25 pounds less than I actually do right now, and that I have a magic talisman that makes everyone who comes in contact with me love me, love themselves, and love the world. That would be pretty cool. I could solve all the world's problems by walking by every so often.

Let's Pretend that all of the policies in place at work are actually enforced. Except the internet use policy. That one, not so much. But the harrassment policy and the signature policies.. those I could really enjoy seeing enforcement. *sigh* But I think that qualifies as a digression.

Pretend Like they discovered a huge reserve of pre-refined gasoline underground in kansas somewhere, and that it's free. It also turns back the clock on your car, so that every 100 miles you drive, your car loses 100 miles of wear and tear. Eventually you have a brand new car. Once you're back at zero, then your magic gasoline starts adding on features. Towing packages. CD players. Speakers. Halo lights. Jaws of Life. Hood Ornaments. Whatever.

Ahhh. Pretend Like my sister gets hired as an image consultant for Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton or somebody and makes a zillion dollars a week just to go party and pick out cute teenybopper clothes. That would rock.

Hm. I feel better already.
Later: Trigger Pics!

The Never Ending Soap Opera

Well with a title like that, you already know what this is going to be about.

Mom has a blood clot in her arm, which is very dangerous this soon after surgery. She is on every blood thinner in the book and is not being allowed to do her therapy until they get it under control. She also is trying to tell me that the last day she will be in the hospital will be the 17th. The social worker told her that's when her Medicare runs out. I tried to explain to her that this doesn't mean that's when the doctors will release her.

She doesn't listen to me. Anyway I called Dr. E's office and left a message. He doesn't know about the blood clot either according to Mom. Hmmm.. maybe I should send him a quick email...

More later. About something besides my mother, I promise.

Obsessive Onion Ring Dance

Ever get something on your mind? Something that latches on like a retriever on a piece of steak and shakes and worries away until you're ready to beat the crap out of it? Every once in a while that happens to me. And every once in a while it's not one thing, but a succession of things. They don't stay long, but whenever one leaves there's always another there to take its place.

Last night was one of those nights where that happened for some reason. A list (for your reading enjoyment) of stupid things I found to aggravate myself with last night:

1) Mom. Do I really need to add anything more to this topic? I thought not.

2) My sister. I could come up with 42,000 suggestions for solutions to the things she talks to me about, but none of them involve anything she would ever consider doing. They involve long workweeks, dating people she might consider boring, and being a stick in the mud conservative like me. But then that's what makes me happy. I can't imagine living the way she does, and she can't imagine living the way I do. Why does this bother me?

3) So let's say a couple dates for 6 or 7 years, then split because one partner wants to get married and the other doesn't. L says that after that long, the partner who doesn't want marriage has already made his/her position clear by not proposing marriage. What drives me nuts is this: How long before that message has supposedly been communicated? How long does the other partner go on thinking the relationship has a future when the other partner is just along for the ride? This is not a current issue for me and L, but as usual I am worrying 4-5 years down the line. Which is stupid of me because I think both of us have made it clear where we stand on this issue. Still, I manage to let it take up brain power.

4) Does my horse like me? He acts like he does most of the time, but then there are those days.. And yes, I know that he is an animal and that it is all relative to whether or not I am feeding him or protecting him from predators. Still, I wonder if he is happy and whether or not I should send him to a trainer or a boarding facility.

5) Why do I never meet friends who treat me the way I treat them? Or am I missing something vital in the world of friendships? This is not so prevalent among my male friends.. they are always considerate and I never feel like they're being subtly catty. But the women...

That's the abbreviated list. And I woke up this morning to the screeching alarm, in the middle of a strikingly vivid dream. I was in a livestock arena and there were HUGE semi-circular onion rings performing some sort of synchronized dance in the arena. I could even smell them. It was extremely bizarre. I don't even really like onion rings!

Mom Wars: Episode MCMXXIV

So last night I called Mom to see how she was doing. She can't really decide. First she is doing so well that they are going to have her walk home this week. From Arkansas. This is a fine hospital! She has money.. CASH MONEY, she says. She saved it to pay the taxes on her house in NC. She is going to use said cash money to buy a plane ticket to fly home. She figures if she buys a ticket, the doctors will have to release her.

When I tell her that I'm not coming out there or helping her buy a plane ticket until the doctor releases her, all hell breaks loose. Everyone is leaving her (GF is finally going home after 100+ days there, and because GM is having surgery the 14th, and because mom has been frantically trying to get him to leave for the past 2 weeks), and that she will get another infection or fall down again if I don't get her home because this hospital is every bit as bad as the last one.

All of this after I talked with the doctor yesterday afternoon, and he sounded very positive about her prospects for coming home... in 6-8 weeks when she can take care of herself again.

I lost my temper with her when she said "Just think of ME for once! How can you be so selfish?" Jesus H Christ, she drives me insane. I am being selfish because I don't want to break her out of the hospital and have her get a blood clot and die, or fall down and break her leg again, or any of the other terrible things that can happen to someone who has an open wound in the side of their body the length of my arm??? The staples are still in, for God's sake!

And of course she starts the "Oh Jehovah" nonsense, which seems calculated to make my eyes bug out. I couldn't help but tell her that if she had ever had occasion to learn about when to trust God, now would be it. But she doesn't and never has. She might pray until the cows come home, but you can't tell the Almighty exactly how to do his business and expect anything to get accomplished. He doesn't take orders. Sorry Mom.

Blargh.

The bottom line is that I am sick to death of melodrama. If anyone ever says to me again, " How could you do this to me?" about something over which I have no control or choice, I am not going to get angry. I am just going to laugh until I puke.

And now I am going to bed.. with nice clean sheets and a big fat novel.

Oh, and I watched Glory Road tonight. It was surprisingly better than most sports movies of its type. Lots of hilarious one-liners.

Weird Sort of Crunch

Yes, I am feeling better. Thanks for asking.

I slept nearly all day Friday, except for the time it took to feed horses and cook dinner for me and L. We had chicken (garlic, herb, cirtus, baked) and potatoes au gratin. Yum. But the salad had gone bad, so we were out of luck on the green, leafy department.

Anyway, today I fed horses, worked both of them. Sundance is moderately good at the porcupine game, horrible at the driving game, and getting pretty good at yo-yo. He's a sweet boy, but he has a bad attitude. Kind of like a high school football player who thinks he's going to be that cool forever.

Trigger had one issue today. Otherwise he was a little angel. He played porcupine at phase 1. He drove from zone 3, he yo-yo'd at phase 1. He circled at phase 1. But then he started trying to haul off in the opposite direction while I was trying to lead him at a trot. The problem with this idea was that my right arm was wrapped around the rope for leverage, so when he took off, the rope slid down my arm and caught around my right hand.. So, 1200 pounds of pressure, a nylon yachting rope, and ...my right hand. Any guesses who won?

I did, of course. Trigger went the way I wanted him to go, at the speed I wanted him to go. However, my hand is black and blue and quite painful at the moment. I don't think I broke it, but it did make a weird sort of crunchy noise. Ick.

I Hate Being Sick

It's 8:51. P.M. I just woke up from a long nap. I have about as much energy as a soaking wet towel right now. I actually went to the doctor today, and he doesn't know what's wrong with me. He took some blood, so we'll see what the lab has to say on Monday. He also gave me some medicine for acid reflux to try and see if that improves the situation any.

I still have to come up with a good date night plan, and I have to feed the horses this weekend because the A's are out of town. I also have to go to the dentist tomorrow morning for the filling, so it looks like I will be playing it by ear tomorrow. Papa Ridgeback, if you are reading this, I will give you a call about lunch. If I feel up to it after the dentist, we'll go eat. If not, we'll reschedule. I may not be very good company.. it just depends on how I feel after going back to bed in just a few minutes.

Meanwhile, L is eating popcorn on the couch, watching a movie or something. He didn't cook dinner tonight because I don't feel like eating... so I feel kind of bad. But then I already felt bad anyway, so I guess it's par for the course.

The air conditioning guy came by today and told us that we need a new compressor. He has to order it, so we are without AC until the part comes in and the guy decides to come back and put it in. Unless the weather changes, I see a lot of sitting naked in front of the fan in our future. So make sure you knock before you come in the house. ;)

I Should Have Read the Apocrypha

Ok, so there's this Bible in my office. It is there because we have a Women's Group every Thursday at work where we discuss scripture and other things. So this Bible is the one I bought for Religion 106-107 at Anderson College a few years ago, and it has all of the Apocryphal books in it as well as the regular Bible books...

So I pick up this Bible and open it randomly. Here's what I come up with:

Sirach 22:13

"Do not talk much with a senseless person or visit an unintelligent person. Stay clear of him, or you may have trouble, and be spattered when he shakes himself off. Avoid him and you will find rest, and you will never be wearied by his lack of sense."

Now if I had only read that before I married JF, I might have had the sense to run screaming in the opposite direction.

Down to Business

Let's get right to the point:

I'm copying my good buddy and putting in a playlist:
Tift Merritt , especially Tambourine

Funniest Thing I've Heard All Day:
"No, it's not counterintuitive!!! It's just backwards!"-- Heard at work.. where else? :)

Last night we had one of the best dinners on record. Fresh corn on the cob, grilled in the husk, baked potatoes, and steak (of course!) with a very interesting citrus marinade courtesy of L. It was so good I was very sorry when I finished eating. It was unfortunately too hot for wine, though. The air conditioner is still on the blink, so it was 86 degrees at 8 pm in our house.

Then we watched Hotel Rwanda. I am surprised that I didn't have nightmares. That is a very powerful movie, for two reasons: 1) I've been to Africa and seen first hand how quickly a situation like that can arise. A mob can form there it the split second it takes to open a car door. 2) It really happened. We really abandoned those people and left them to be killed by savage, crazy renegades. They really had to "shame" us into helping. Now I am normally politically conservative, more libertarian than anything else.. but that bothers me.

It also gave me that same anxiety, clenched-stomach, sick feeling that the concentration camp stories used to. I can't understand or fathom what makes some people tick.. what has to be wrong with people for them to think those kinds of actions are acceptable?

But that's way too deep for this morning. I am honestly struggling to stay awake and coherent. Can't really say why. I could sleep straight through for a week. And I have 2 days to plan a date night. My original plan (which was a very good one) is out, because it's 105 degrees outside and nobody wants to walk around anywhere in that heat, even if it is the lovely botanical gardens. Meh. Well it's back to work for me.

Early Morning Dysfunction..

Last night I went to band practice, which went pretty well, considering that our guitar guy couldn't make it. But band practice always leaves me so sleepy the next morning that I sometimes almost forget to get dressed. (I have started to get too lazy to do my makeup in the mornings! But I don't want to talk about that...) They're changing it to Thursday nights starting next week, and maybe that will work out better, since I don't have to work on Friday mornings. Except this Friday morning I'd rather go to work... I have to go back to the dentist instead and have a cavity filled. Bleh.

Last night I thought I'd be cool and set the coffee maker to brew automatically this morning. I forgot to check at what time it would start, however. Last time we did that was when I had to leave for Arkansas at 4:30 am.. so we had coffee in the middle of the freaking night. Yay me. At least it was still warm when I got up, and I am dutifully drinking it now.

L found an infestation of bees in our front yard yesterday when he was trying to water the flower beds. The hose is still lying in the middle of the yard where he left it, because the bees were flying around deciding whether or not to swarm him. He is going to Home Depot today to buy them out of wasp killer. So, to recap, so far we have a snake, many, many spiders, and a truckload of bees in our front yard.

L also got a package in the mail yesterday containing a special collar for Barney that emits a highly annoying noise every time he barks. This is in theory supposed to stop him from barking at night. In reality, it goes off every time he shakes his head, scratches, breathes, or thinks about breathing. Poor guy. L decided last night to see if it would still work if it wasn't on his neck. He put it on top of their crate. I don't know if it worked or not, but at any rate, Barney didn't bark.

On tap for today: A meeting over at the FD building. Project work. Some house cleaning when I get home. And hopefully steak for dinner, if I'm lucky. :)

I almost forgot... Date Night Update!

Our date night this week was last night, and we went to Cafe and Then Some in greenville. It was a riot! We laughed so hard our faces hurt! The food wasn't so great, but it wasn't bad either. Next time we'll just have dinner somewhere else, and do drinks and dessert there at the theatre. The show was absolutely hilarious. So. Another successful date night.

And it's time for me to start planning for next week. What to do, what to do... :) I am sure I can think of something...

Defying Death and Other Thoughts

My horse almost killed me today. I was mucking out stalls and putting down new bedding. I had horse cookies in my pocket, and fed him one. I was petting him like I do every time I see him, and all of a sudden he turns and lets fly with both hind hooves.

Now granted, he had been galloping back and forth across the pasture like a madman all afternoon, he and the other horse, Sundance, biting each other, playing, and generally acting insane. I don't know if the other horse was doing something to Trigger or what incited him to violence, but one of those hooves with 1200 pounds of raw power behind it whizzed past my ear. His hoof hit my ponytail. That's how close I came to being killed today.

Just a friendly reminder that horses are great, but you have to respect that kind of power in the hooves of what amounts to a 1200 pound 2-year-old. That is the extent of their cognitive ability.

I went home subdued and thinking about church this morning of all things.

Maybe it is best that I don't record my thoughts here. Perhaps they are not the type of thoughts that are okay for general consumption. Like many of my closest-held of beliefs and ideas, some of my views on religion in general and this area's churches in particular are ..inflammatory. Suffice it to say that they are serious thoughts. Maybe I will tackle them here at some point. and maybe not.

Well, okay, maybe one of them. Just a teeny tiny one.

Every church I have ever been inside of has believed that God endorsed their particular brand of Christianity. Every one of them believes that God accepts their brand of worship best, and that they are somehow superior to other churches. Some are more vocal about this than others, but you get the idea. Each pastor exhorts his congregation to behave in certain ways, and not to behave in certain ways. Each church staff, right down to the last choir member, stands in front of the congregation representing their faith, like it or not. Representing themselves as somehow above the sinful, slogging masses--whether they willfully do so or not is immaterial. It just goes with the territory.

Every church feels that God condones them and borrows the creedence of scripture-- Our actions are sanctioned by the Lord. What we do is the Will of God. Even when they're dead wrong sometimes. And individuals within the church presume to speak for the church, make horrible examples of themselves, and then act as if they piss perfume for no other reason than that they go to church more often than you or I do.

Y'all, I just can't bring myself to believe that God sanctions or even cares about any of that. When there are children starving in Africa, and people doing horrible things to each other every day, in every city and town in every state in every country on earth, I have a hard time believing that a God worth his salt cares how one church or another does business. It would be wrong somehow if he did.

Now I don't presume to say that the ALmighty does things wrong. I'm just saying that this is how I see it. Christians are supposed to have a personal relationship with the Living God. I think for a lot of people, (myself and L included), church gets in the way of that.

Sad but true. I am an every-once-in-a-while churchgoer for that reason. I go more than once a quarter or so, and I begin to doubt God in a bigger way than I care to contemplate. Call it my own failing if you will.. I just can't see Him in some of the ways that others seem to be able to.

And don't even get me started on the other Deep Thoughts for the Day.

I'm going to put some pork chops in the marinade and start making the au gratin potatoes for dinner tonight. After a day of contemplating Religion and defying death by equine, I think I need some quality snuggle time on the couch. My boyfriend and my cat await...

And She's...

.. THROUGH THE SURGERY AND DOING FINE.

*sigh*
Oh, wow, do I feel better all of a sudden! :) 8-12 weeks and she will be finished with the whole thing, barring any other bizarre accidents.

Thanks to all the people who prayed for us.. looks like it worked. :D

Dog Day..

Here is Denver, resting on the pillow shams, on my side of the bed where he likes to be. He is a big baby.

And here is Barney napping in L's office, directly behind L's chair, where he likes to be so that any time L moves, he knows! He likes to make sure that L can't leave the room without him, or even move his chair without runnning over a doggy tail or leg or snout. This dog is madly in love with L and has major separation anxiety when L is out of town.

It's 5:23 and still no news about Mom. We probably won't hear anything until closer to 7.. that's when we heard from the doc last time. I have learned my lesson now. Never pray for patience, because you WILL learn it. I hate waiting, but I am definitely learning how to do it through this ordeal with Mom.

I spent most of the day playing with Trigger and A3 and Sundance (aka Goofus). Trigger has mastered the Circle Game now, and has overcome his fear of the waterhose. He is still a little shy around the bug spray bottle, but he is getting better. He also let me put a leg over his back today. I stood on the fence and rested one leg over his back for several minutes. He stood as still as a rock with his ears turned back toward me.. not laid back, but turned, like he was watching me.

A3 was riding her horse. She looks so good up there! :) I swear, she's such a good kid. If I am ever lucky enough to have a daughter, I hope she's like the Abinator. Seriously. You forget you're talking to a 16-year-old sometimes. And she has a gift with horses.

We're supposed to do dinner with A1 and A2 tonight. I think we've been squeezed into a "networking opportunity" but WTH. We love our friends. (Hey, Papa Ridgeback, if you feel like coming out, we'll be at Sullivan's around 7-7:30 or so and you are welcome to join us).

And now it's off to take a shower and scrape off the sweat, mud, and horsehair I am covered with. The dogs are fascinated with it. They don't know what a horse is, but they love the way it smells!

Knots

Well Good Morning. I slept okay, how about you?

Actually the fact that I slept at all was a small miracle. Mom went into surgery at 5 this morning. At least that's when she went to the hospital. She is in surgery as I type this. I haven't heard anything from anyone yet, and I assume that no news is good news. The Doctor probably isn't even halfway done with the surgery.

So, my stomach is in knots and probably will be until I hear from the doctor about how she did. In the meantime, I'm going to the feed store and going to see Trigger and then to lunch. Not very interesting, I know.. Sorry about it.

Becoming Gold

Yes, I am listening to Marc Cohn again. This is not unusual.

I am also closer than ever to finishing the website project I have been working on for part of the last year. I say "part of" because I have had to squeeze it in between grant proposals, which come in an ever increasing deluge. Seriously. I'm up to my waist in paper right now. And I could use some waders because that's a lot of BS. ;)

And.. as of right now, it looks like Mom's surgery is going forward tomorrow morning. Those of you who are tight with the big G, now would be the time to pray for us. Those who aren't.. light a candle or something.

Tonight L and I are going grocery shopping, and then making spaghetti for dinner, because I'd rather eat spaghetti than pork chops today. I think L was looking forward to the chops, but he's very nice to me, and there's always tomorrow. Saturday is date night and I think L is planning to go to Cafe and Then Some. I've always heard about it, but I 've never been there. It should be fun. Looking forward to it. At least one morning this weekend I am going to the pool with an Oprah magazine, a novel, and a thermos full of something cold. Later: Something more interesting, I promise.

Date Movie? Eaugh! And More...

I watched what was undoubtedly the stupidest movie I have ever seen tonight. Don't ask me why.. We wanted something funny, so L rented "Date Movie" because someone somewhere said it was funny. Well let me tell you right now that someone somewhere is a drooling myrmidon, because that was the most unfunny movie I have had the misfortune of seeing since "Deuce Bigelow." And that is saying something.

L cooked dinner tonight: chicken with mushroom sauce, saffron rice, and broccoli. (We like broccoli. Actually it was on sale.) Anyway, yum. He is now engaged in one of his favorite activities: Sitting in front of the TV reading a book. Yes, the TV is on.

Monster Head is prowling around the house, pretending to be afraid of things so he can fluff out his tail. He thinks his tail is very impressive tonight for some reason. He purrs uncontrollably when you pet him. He is a very strange creature.

But then, he was raised by hand, by me. That would make anyone or anything a little strange, in my opinion.

The nurse called from Arkansas this afternoon to give me the update on my mother. Apparently she is driving the surgeon and his entire staff stark raving mad. They are tentatively still planning to do the surgery on Friday, but I am not getting my hopes up, nor am I buying a plane ticket. I just know something is going to come up like it has every week since May. It is too much to hope that this could finally be over at the end of this week, and that she can start getting better instead of sitting there making up new things to worry about.

For instance, she has decided that the house GF is staying at is in a "rough part of town, " or as my grandmother says, in "Hornytown." Why she ever chose that particular name for any less affluent section of town populated by ethnic people I don't know. I always found it embarrassing when she'd say that.. Nothing like an old lady saying "Hornytown" out loud in public (especially when you happen to be walking through that dreaded locale) to make you want to jump in front of the nearest bus, especially if you are nine years old and you can't pretend you don't know her because she has your forearm in a vice grip. .. but I digress.

What I'm trying to say is that Mom has decided that because GF is staying in a "bad part of town" someone is going to mug him and murder him. I tried to point out that an 81-year-old man driving a beat-to-heck minivan and walking around with a cane and holes in his pants is hardly an ideal prospect for a mugger or a robber or anyone looking for cash. But Mom likes to worry. She stays busy with worrying and she doesn't have to think about anything else.. being the magnet for disaster that she is-- her air conditioning unit in her room at the nursing home caught fire last night.

She told the orderlies that she learned something that night. "You can't yell Please Help Me!! because nobody listens. But when you yell FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and scream bloody murder, that gets results!" Of course, smoke pouring out of the doorway probably helps.

But then that's my mother. If there is a deep body of water (she doesn't swim), she falls into it. If there is a car on the interstate that will spontaneously burst into flames, ten to one it will be hers. If there is a short circuit, a one in a million fluke, or an unimaginable series of disastrous events, you can bet that my mother will be at the epicenter. She is Ground Zero. Believe it.

Her doctor says that someday she is going to have to take some responsibility in her care. If she wants to be in control, she is going to have to accept responsibility and accountability. I say she will do that when pigs fly and they're holding the World Series of Ice Hockey in Hell. What she's doing has worked too well for her over the past half a century, and she doesn't intend to stop now.

My God, I could make a million dollars just telling all the stories from growing up with her.

But I only have time for one writing project, and that, dear readers, is this blog. Lucky you. ;) However, I have to go now because Monster is sitting on the desk, washing his white, stubby little paws, in preparation for his imminent attack.

Cute (Dirty) Horse

Fizzle, Pop, Fizzle

Ok, I feel like a dying campfire. Just barely enough energy left to fizzle and pop, but not enough to really do anything one way or the other.

Maybe this is just me dealing with the major stress I have going right now-- Mom has taken another turn for the worse. With as many "turns for the worse" as she has taken lately, it seems like she should have come back around full circle by now. But as it is, she is running a 103 fever and the docs have not called me to let me know the results of the blood work yet.

And tonight I am going to stop by to see Trigger for a few minutes, and then it's band practice, which means i won't get home until after 10, which means I won't be in bed until after 11. It also means no dinner and I already have a headache. But what can I do? I don't eat fast food, and I can't eat and then go sing. Trust me, that doesn't work so well.

Anyway, I hope that I can be productive tonight even though I feel like I weigh 900 pounds and I'm walking through waist deep mud. I'm that tired today. For no reason.

Ok, I've whined enough. I think I'll post a picture. That will make me feel better...

Sometimes only a list will do. And today it is indeed a LIST:

1) The dentist. It should be sufficient to say that I hate being stabbed with sharp metal hooks, especially that particular way that dentists do it.. stab, thrust, jerk that takes half your gum out with said hook. And this is the best dentist I have found-- by "best" I mean "most gentle" and "leaves the least amount of carnage behind." Still, I have been warned about my Diet Coke addiction and the dangers to my teeth. I have to return to the dentist on the 4th of August to have a filling. O joy! I can think of about 87,000 things I'd rather do.. but then I think about some of the teeth I've seen on some of the local residents and decide I'd better get it done. Quickly.

2) Sleep. It seems like lately I can't get enough sleep. I slept until 11am this morning.. that's 12 hours if you're counting. And I'm still tired. I am wondering if, combined with my general achiness and headaches this past week, this sleepiness is a harbinger of doom.. the flu perhaps? Or maybe just the heat? Who knows?

3) Date night was a resounding success, though. We had sandwiches at Smoke on the Water. The service was horrible, but the food was pretty good. Due to the service, we missed the first pitch, but the game was fun, and the Drive won. Next week it's his turn to plan, and I'm looking forward to seeing what he comes up with. :)

4) My Mother. *sigh* This is like the soap opera that never ends. The one where you watch it and say "There is no way that ANYTHING else can happen to these characters." Well, that's Mom. She now has some sort of virus. She has a 101 degree fever and is aching all over and can't control her bladder. They're not allowing her out of her bed anymore and they're talking about hospitalizing her again. She is supposed to have surgery the 28th, but once again it's looking unlikely, unless they feel that they can do it anyway, which I highly doubt. GF is staying with her as much as he can, but he isn't sounding so hot himself these days, and the last thing he needs to do is catch whatever this is that she has. Meanwhile GM is supposed to have her surgery August 14, which is getting closer every day. And the saga continues...

5) M called today and is supposed to be coming over to visit us.. but we haven't heard back from him and it's almost time to start thinking about dinner.. so.. I guess we'll see if he shows up. Would be good to see him, but I don't know where he disappeared to..

And now, the menu: ginger teriyaki salmon with green salad (raspberry walnut dressing and bleu cheese (of course!)) and broccoli..

The New Deal

Well folks, this has been an interesting week. It has contained both one of the worst days I have ever had as well as several really (really.. blush) good things that happened. You've already heard about my terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.. So. The good things: One of them I will spare you.. but suffice it to say I am feeling good about life. The other involved a certain palomino..

Trigger looks so pretty when he's had a bath. And he is doing so well with the Parelli games! He can be Friendly, he can play the Porcupine game and the Driving game and he can almost Yo-Yo. To non-Parelli disciples, this is a bunch of gibberish, but it makes sense to me and Trig, so it's OK. One thing is for sure.. horses are one of the most relaxing things to me. Getting out there and playing with him and getting filthy and working my @$$ off with him works out all my aggressions, I guess.

Also, I had a strange deja vu yesterday at the barn... it could be one of the reasons I fell in love with Trigger as soon as I saw him, some residual image rattling around in my subconscious.. Anyway I have had recurring dreams of a huge black stallion all my life. I had recurring nightmares as well, but the horse dreams were always good ones. Anyway, this black horse is a big, thick draft horse, with long, curly hair, and he talks. I don't know his name, but he is very very cool. Well after Gracie died, she showed up in the dreams with the black horse. She is almost always with him. And a few months later, a golden colt started showing up with them as well.

Now I know that these are just dreams. Mishmash soup pinned together by my subconscious mind.. and the colt was a little colt-- big-kneed and fuzzy.. but when I had Trigger all shiny and sparkling in the sun after his bath yesterday, I had the weirdest feeling of having seen him before, in the dream, standing with Gracie and the stallion. I'm weird, yes, I know.

Anyway... This week we have implemented a new schedule, and we'll see how it goes. Tuesday and Thursday are "Together Nights" and once every weekend there is "Date Night." We take turns planning it. I had to start (of course.. I am the one in the doghouse, and pretty deservedly, I might add. I didn't think so before, but now I see his point) and so on Saturday we are going to Smoke on the Water for dinner and then to the Greenville Drive baseball game. I'll be sure and post the results of that.. should be interesting. :D

L cooked steaks tonight and I ate far more than I should have. But it was SO good... he even had bleu cheese, which is one of my favorite things. I sipped my cabernet and we watched a Tommy Lee Jones movie.. much lighter than his usual stuff, and funnier. It was stupid, of course it was.. but not quite as vapid as most, and that = good these days.

So. Bathroom is clean, laundry is started, and half the vacuuming is done.. Tomorrow I visit the dentist. Stay tuned.

The Beef

Steak is one of the greatest culinary gifts God has given to humankind. There, I said it. I am a carnivore, and have been since birth. There is nothing like a nice, thick slab of beef for dinner, especially if you pair it with a big, salted, buttered, peppered potato and some salad. Top that with a good cabernet, and there's nothing better in the world.

So, here are my preferred methods of cooking steak... don't expect anything fancy, because steak is not only my favorite thing to eat, it's also the dish I prepare with the least fuss and complexity.

I like a nice, lean cut, like a NY Strip (yes, I know it has that "lip" of fat around the edge, and that is good-- gives it flavor-- but I don't personally choose marbled steaks like Ribeyes most of the time. Just my own preference). I also like filets, but the strip steak is my favorite. So.. I'll prepare my steaks in one of the following ways:

1) salt and pepper the steaks liberally. Then, place in a shallow dish and pour on a mixture of red wine and dry packaged italian dressing. Let the steaks marinate for a few hours in the fridge, then grill to medium rare.

2) The Sauce:

1 tablespoon butter
1 clove garlic, minced
2 tablespoons whole black peppercorns
1/4 cup Cabernet or Merlot
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
3 tablespoons Worcestershire
1/2 teaspoon minced fresh rosemary

Grill steaks, basting with the cabernet sauce (can you tell I like cabs?). Also grill a portobello mushroom and onion slice. Serve the steaks topped with grilled onion, mushroom, and sauce. (I don't usually like mushrooms, but I love the flavor of this dish!

3) Rub steaks with coarse salt and fresh ground pepper. Grill and melt bleu cheese on top. Simple, but delicious!

4) A guilty, lazy secret: teriyaki sauce! Because sometimes only kikkoman will do. LOL

Meh..

Ok, so it's never as bad as I think it is. So L is not the perfect man, because, like the Easter Bunny, that creature does not exist. He's more like Santa Claus.. you rarely see him, but you know he exists. ;)

L is great. He just has his moments of temporary insanity.. not quite a frequent as mine, but he does have them. At any rate, I am glad that discussion is over.

My back still hurts from putting up the fence, and my head still hurts from clenching my teeth all day yesterday. This might be one of those nights where I can do nothing but run a bubble bath and settle in with a book for a few hours.

That and look for my cookbooks so I can finally post the BEEF!

the beatings continue

I hereby declare today a complete waste of my time for the following reasons:
1) Everyone felt that today was a good reason to screw up and/or yell at me
2) I got less than nothing done
3) I had to face a realization today that I did not want to face, and I am not happy about it. And if a certain man thinks that the issue isn't going to be discussed further, he needs to think again. And again.
4) And again.
5) My mother's soap opera continues to drag on, and I am ready to throw up my hands, change my name, and move to another country

...and so, in the words of the immortal Dorothy Parker,

That's why I shot myself.

Smells Like..

I just got the strongest whiff of what smelled alarmingly like marijuana. Thing is, I haven't seen that stuff in years and I don't think L ever has. We're in our house with our dogs and out of nowhere... I think my nose is just raw from two days in the pasture with a dead raccoon and two irritated, hungry horses. Yea, and the smell was deafening.

Anyway, needless to say I feel like I have been mowed down by the proverbial MACK truck. My joints ache! My skin resembles well done bacon! My sense of smell will never be the same!

Fence is fixed, though.

My expedition proved successful, after all.. I found a pair of Levi's, practically new, a pair of J Crew jeans, and a pair of Calvin Kleins.. all fit me perfectly, and altogether, they were $10. The J Crew jeans alone would have cost me $75 at the J Crew store. Ah, the power of thrift stores! So, that was good.

Tonight was off, though. L and I went to Flat Rock for dinner (normally outstanding food, though not as good as Bonefish..) where they burnt my steak the first time (I'm talking shoe leather.. I couldn't even get my fork into it) and brought me a raw steak on the recook. It was literally still mooing. Actually, I think its exact words were "Ow, stop poking me!" When I finally got an edible slab of meat, it was tough, I was full of salad and potatoes, and L was already finished eating. Oh, and every loaf of bread they brought out was just hollow crust. Bread is depressing when there's nothing to butter.

Then we went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" which was ok. Despite the fact that by the second time the kraken came to eat the ship I was rooting for it to eat the stinking people already so we could move on to something else.

Then the film broke or something and we sat there in darkness for 20 minutes or so until they decided to turn the movie back on. So.. ok. I wouldn't want to see it again. Davy Jones was interesting, and I liked the fact that the Dutchman's crew were all turning into sea life.. it was interesting to watch their metamorphoses. It distracted me. :)

Best part of the evening involved large pet dogs and leftover steak. They love me so when I have steak for them. Denver is stretched out asleep on the floor beside me right now, and Barney is doing the same in L's office, where he sits at his computer. We IM each other from time to time, from across the house. Life is good...

Expedition

Today I am going on an expedition. I will brave the jungles and wilds of Easley, SC in search of a particular thrift store where i have been told that they have blue jeans for $2. I am going to buy said blue jeans and wear them to the barn, where for $2 I won't care if they get ruined, like all my other jeans in the past 2 weeks. (Horses are hard on your pants).

The second part of my expedition involves going to the barn and working on tree trimming, fence mending, and general horseplay. Perhaps later there will be pictures for your amusement?

Flat

I feel remarkably flat this morning. There are several reasons for this:

1) I'm still exhausted and stressed out from Arkansas.. worried about the Mom situation, and feeling pretty.. flat.

2) There are bugs.. roaches.. in my building at work. There was one in my office yesterday, and this morning there was another one in my coworker's office. We sprayed the place liberally with RAID and now it stinks to high heaven. But at least the roaches are gone for the moment. Facilities is going to have to fumigate the place.

3) I wanted to go to the pool this weekend for a little while, but the weather forecast says it's going to rain.

4) The fat meter has been going off again lately, even though the scale says I have lost weight and I've been eating less in general anyway. This was not helped by the Funnniest Thing I Heard Yesterday:

I was looking through our pictures on L's computer, and I pulled up one of me when we were in Charleston 2 years ago.. right after we started dating. L looks over my shoulder and says..

"Wow, look at how skinny you were!"

There was a moment of stunned silence, while his words registered and he realized how deeply his foot was lodged in his mouth. Gee thanks, buddy. You haven't exactly lost weight yourself. :-P

Empty Airport

Ok.. so here I sit in the airport at 4:45 pm. My plane doesn't start boarding for another 2 hours or so, so I paid the $10 to surf the internet. See, dear readers, how devoted I am to your entertainment? As if this blog is entertaining.

Anyway. If you don't feel like reading another rant about my dysfunctional family members, don't read anymore of this post. Trust me.

Last night I played Rummy with my grandfather, something I haven't done in years, since I was a kid. I have never beaten him at it until last night. He kept telling me how he enjoyed playing. Good. I enjoyed it too. :)

However..

I spent the morning at the nursing home with Mom. She wanted to talk. You have to understand what that means in my mother's world. In a normal person's vocabulary, Talking is conversation. It's communication. In my mother's world, it's sheer manipulation. It's bringing up every single thing she can think of that might have hurt my feelings or made me angry or might irritate me to talk about. It's crying and wringing her hands and seeing how far she has to go before I start getting upset.

Never, in a talk with my mother, does anything get accomplished or communicated. It's always about torturing the person she's talking to, or else torturing herself. It's sick and sad, but there it is.

The point is that I am tired of hearing how my dad did her wrong 25 years ago and how it's somehow bad that he has always liked pretty women (who doesn't??) and how everyone in her life has abandoned her. I can't stand one more insinuation that I don't love her, that nobody loves her. She doesn't understand that people do love her-- but she seems to purposely drive away everyone who tries. I'm sick of talking about stupid friends I had in high school, and idiotic boys I dated who acted like jerks. I am sick of my ex-husband, sick of all my sister's ex-husbands, and sick of her asking me when I'm getting married again.

Most of all, I am very weary of the constant guilt trips. I think I have used up the entire quota of guilt for not only my entire life, but everyone I know as well. That will be good news to some of you reading this. ;)

I wonder why she has never grown tired of rehashing the past. If she must live in the past, she could at least pick the good times to dwell on.. but then if you remind her of some of the better times we had, she starts crying because they're over.

My mother is a strange, strange woman. I love her, but I don't understand her.

So.. I'm sitting here in the airport waiting for the time to pass. M is trimming Trigger's feet today. I hope that goes well. Can't wait to get home and sleep in my own bed, get in some quality snuggle time, even go back to work on Monday. In 2 weeks, if I can somehow find the money, I'm back to Arkansas for Mom's surgery...

Funniest Thing I Heard in Arkansas

"Are you sure y0u're not adopted??"
--my mother's surgeon after talking with me about my mother

GF and I are sitting in Starbuck's drinking lattes and setting up mom's new tracfone I just bought her for $20 at Wal Mart.. It's 20 cents a minute, better than the 45 she was paying at Alltel, but she still can't use it all the time. I am telling her to leave it on, but not to give the number out to everyone.. just me and mah seestor and GF probably.

I just emailed the doc a little note. I'm hoping this new system of communication works out well. I think it will..

I also just got mom some new nightgowns and a CD player.. I'm going to burn her some CD's to listen to..

I will probably be back on here tomorrow at the airport, while I wait for my plane..

Mom, Part MCMXIVV

Mom at the end of May-- in the hospital at UAMS
Mom at the beginning of July-- at the nursing home

I finally got the situation at least partially resolved today-- I spoke with the doctor and the nurse. They came down specifically to talk to me because I went to admin about the problem. Turns out that they have been calling GF whenever I call with a question and telling him to tell me the answer. He doesn't call me and let me know anything because he doesn't hear what they're saying..

There is also the issue of my mother only hearing what she wants to hear, and only telling me parts of the story. I havent' had any idea of what has really been happening out here. This doc is doing the best he can with what he has to work with.

At least now he knows that I am the person to contact, and I will talk to the rest of the family. That will take some of the pressure off, and hopefully they can do the surgery in 2 weeks. I have a much better feeling about everything that's going on now--

So, it's off to the nursing home to tell mother what's going on.. may God have mercy on my soul.. lol

Yesterday she told me that she'd never forgive me for putting her in a nursing home. As if I had anything to say in any of the decisions that have been made. Argh.

My Father's Wedding

The wedding this weekend was awesome. A very small, private ceremony, very elegant, and very, very nice...

We all enjoyed it and also meeting our new "step-family." Dad's new wife is very nice and extremely beautiful and he looked happier than I've ever seen him.. at least happier than I can ever remember seeing him.

My sister was in rare form, as was S, who, like, talked, like 100000000 miles a minute, like, the whole time, and like is totally like unsatisfied with like everything about her like totally perfect body and her totally perfect face and her totally, like, perfect hair...LOL Exhausting but loveable.

We missed our flight on the way back.. L was livid.. I've never seen him like that, and still he was 10x better than J on his best day. I must stop and wonder for a minute how I got so lucky...

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Ok.. so today I cleaned out my car, but didn't wash it. I made 2 trips to Tractor supply for horse feed, alfalfa cubes, and wood shavings, along with a new manure fork and a broom for the tack room... Did Parelli lesson #1.. sitting in the round pen with my horse and watching him for 30 minutes. He kept coming over and looking at me like "what the heck are you DOING down there???" And nuzzling me and sniffing me and trying to eat my Parelli guide book.

He almost let me spray him down with the hose, (just a little bit) but still no luck with the bug spray bottle.

I also bought a ticket to Arkansas today. Mom's surgery is scheduled for the day after tomorrow. Here's hoping everything goes according to plan.

L and I are about to leave for our INdependence Day Dinner.. We were supposed to go to the lake with A1-3, but they went at noon, and we had too much to do. So, it's downtown Greenville for a few hours, and then home.

Later: Fireworks...

Funniest Thing I Saw This Weekend

What's wrong with saying "speed bump" like the rest of the world? :)