List number 423657

Things that have happened since I last wrote:

1) I wrote a letter to the ex (aka Numbnuts) demanding that he bring the mortgage current, pay the $4,900, and pay his car payment. I got a notice today from the bank that he hadn't paid the car payment in 2 months. I guess he wants to play this the hard way. Damn it all. All I want is to be rid of him and his BS once and for all.

2) L and I went to Florida for Christmas. We spend Christmas with my sister and S and had a great time eating giant turkey, watching movies, opening presents, and listening to S learn chords on her new Esteban guitar. I think she will be quite the little musician if she sticks with it.

3) We went to see L's family in Tallahassee, which was also fun. We played cards and ate enough cookies to kill a horse. I also got to meet one of L's workmates, who was a very nice lady. She used to be a ballerina and a sculptor.. we had a great lunch and sometime next fall we will probably go to an FSU game together.

4) And then out of the blue, who should call me but big D. I know that he has tried to contact be before in the past 9 years, but I don't know what possible reason he could have for doing so. He rambled a bit, telling me about his daughter going to jail and himself being diagnosed as bipolar.. gee, no one saw that one coming. He was nice enough over the phone, but closed the conversation with "I'll talk to you soon." I don't know what that means or what the purpose was for the whole conversation. It freaks me out a little bit because the last thing I want right now is a stalker. Especially a 6 foot 5, bipolar stalker. And 9 years is a long time to carry either a torch or a grudge.

5) And then today while L and I were in a restaurant eating lunch, somebody wrote "chicken shit" across the back of his car with a Sharpie pen. It came off all right, but it was a little bizarre. He thinks it's a case of mistaken identity or something, or some kids being stupid. He might be right. I hope he's right.

6) And tonight we go out to celebrate a new year with good friends and good food. I am wearing the pink pants that S gave me, and L is trying to find a shirt to match the pants he bought at Gap. Those pants look really good on him.. I hope he finds something in his closet to match. :) M is coming over to bring the Monster back from his vacation. I hope Monster won't miss the Blink too much now that he is coming home. M said that he has had fun making friends.

Next post will be new year's resolutions.. or whatever passes for NYR's in my little world.

checking back

I'm back from the holiday extravaganza, worn out as ever and trying to figure out new year's plans for everyone. I'll do a complete update later.. for now I am cold and tired and need a rest after my vacation.

Tiiiiiiime Ain't on My Side

I've got too much to do. And it's freezing out and I really didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. It is definitely a Red Bull kind of day. My arms are sore from Monday's workout, my abs are screaming, and I really wish I wasn't at work today.

But there's nothing we can do about that, now is there?

I guess I'd better get to it if I'm going to get the newsletter written, 15 proposals submitted, my own proposal written, a letter to J threatening contempt of court if he doesn't get with it, and the rest of the Christmas shopping all before Christmas. Not to mention that I have to study for the GMAT, which I am taking in less than a week.

And I hate it for me, but the GMAT is not by any means an easy test. I have to score high, too, if I want to get into the MBA program.

I think I might need a little more stress in my life this week. What do you think?

Narnia..

We went to see the first narnia movie last night, and I must say they did an absolutely outstanding job of bringing the books to life. The movie is visually stunning, and the kid that plays Lucy is adorable.

The kid who plays Edmund looks exactly like Joshua Jordan. That was a little strange. The other strange thing was the people behind us, who kept up a running commentary in a stage whisper the whole time, trying to get in some Bible study with their kids. "Awh, loook, hunny, thayut's Jeezusss!! He died fer our seeeeeeyuns!!!!!" every time Aslan came on the screen. Pretty annoying actually. But other than that, the movie was good.

L and I had a good day today.. we got up early and went to the FCA Bowden Breakfast, where I got to meet and have my picture taken with Tommy Bowden, the Clemson head coach, and his father Bobby Bowden, the head coach for FSU. The breakfast was great and we got free t-shirts. Met a really cool guy from Greece who now works at Clemson as a physicist, and will probably be joining L's FSU club.

Then we did a little shopping at Kohl's, came home and did a little cleaning, and took a long, comfortable nap. We're about to eat some brunswick stew and see what's on tv tonight. And tomorrow.. it's Survivor finale. Can't wait to see that!

Christmas List

Ok, I've promised a certain sister of mine that I would post my christmas list, so here goes:

Books are always a good choice. I read like a fiend, as you know. I like crime novels/mysteries, and pretty much novels of any kind. I loved Memoirs of a Geisha, and the Secret Life of Bees..

My office is full of kitty cat stuff, particularly tigers or those orange tabbies.. they go over well at the University. : ) So anything like that would work as well.

There's a songwriters' dictionary out that I'd like to have.. it's basically a rhyming dictionary. That would be cool.

Dean Markley guitar strings, medium weight, and med-light weight guitar picks.. I go through both like you wouldn't believe, so that's another idea.

I'm not really hard to please. : ) Ideas for L would be a little harder. He likes Dr. Seuss and Curious George.. I'd stay away from clothes; he doesn't wear certain colors and mostly sticks to neutrals. He's a little hard to buy for. He likes music.. if you know of any good jazz, etc. : ) Umm... he's a huge football fan (FSU, of course) and he also loves the TV show Smallville.. last year I bought him the season 1 DVDs, but he doesn't have any other ones.

So that's the christmas list.. now post yours!

Picture Posting Bonanza: Christmas Tree

Our Christmas tree....
This is our tree topper. No angels or stars for us, no sir! We have the Abominable Snowman!

L and I went out yesterday for a real Christmas tree.. it's the first time I've ever had a real one, and it makes the house smell deliciously pine-y. :) We're kind of spare on the ornaments, because I used to get all of mine from J's mother on loan every year, and L has always had a 2-ft mini-tree and never needed many.

We had lots of fun decorating it. We put our 6-ft Douglas Fir on top of a table in the living room so that it would be safe from dogs and cat. Worked for the dogs, not so much for the cat.

Our "NOEL" stocking hooks on the mantel read "NOLE" instead.. L is the eternal FSU fan. :)

And now it's time to decide what movie we want to watch this evening, and when we want to cook dinner...

Picture Posting Bonanza: Harvard

Here's what you see at one of the many gates to the Harvard Campus..
Sever Hall (I think)..
The main gate to Harvard University...
..And here's what you see as you're leaving..
The John Harvard statue...Everyone touches his foot when they visit; that's why it's so much shinier than the rest of the statue. S, if you're gonna go to school at Harvard, BUY SOME WARM CLOTHES!!! :) Brrr!!

Picture Posting Bonanza: Boston

Looks like even the mounted police like to stop at the donut shop's drive through window!
The city of Boston from the top of the Prudential Center.
L and his snowflake..
Here I am aboard the USS Constitution, the oldest warship (1797 or thereabouts..). It was a free tour, and very very cool. :)

I'll post more pics later.. I still have Harvard and our Christmas tree to post. :D But right now I'm going Christmas shopping.

No Christmas for the Jehovah's Witness...

http://www.harraway.com/no_christmas_for_jehovahs_witness.html

This is a new rap song about JWs and Xmas.. a must hear for any XJW. It's hilarious...

Too Fast

I'm back from Boston, and we had a great time. I'll post pics as soon as i have time to download them to my computer.

I'm getting ready to leave for Florence tomorrow to teach another class. Then it's Christmas decorating and shopping and cleaning and getting ready for the Florida trip.. I have a lot of presents to buy and not quite enough money, as usual.

God I can't wait until I am out of the hole. I keep thinking about J and how I'd really like to slug him right now for making me take his ass to court again because he's not making his house or car payments, which are in my name.

I'm a little frustrated about that situation, and the fact that I don't feel like I have had enough down time in the past two months. I feel like the creeping crud that everybody is down with is stalking me, and it's only a matter of time before it's me tossing my cookies with a 103 fever for 4 days. I just keep repeating to myself that I have to make it through these classes this week. After that I can be as sick as I need to be.

Bleh.

Back to Reality

The Rock just before the sun set... we walked all over the island, looking in the old buildings and listening to the stories of attempted (and successful) escapes. It was a great tour...
The Golden Gate Bridge in the sunset as we headed out on the Alcatraz ferry.
Yours truly, getting ready to set off by myself again.
A San Francisco Seagull.. they're the biggest gulls I have ever seen!
The view from the top... This was the v iew from our hotel room balcony.

A very romantic city... I want to go there with L and drink a lot of wine someday. : )
Back at work I am busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest, and T has sick children, so she doesn't have to come to work this week at all. Sigh. Oh well. I guess it comes with the territory. I'd rather process proposals than have a kid throw up on me, I guess.

Heh.

Jeez! This is un-frikkin believable!!!

9:51 pm
12:51 pm eastern
She is still in the bathroom, still talking to him, and apparently it is now an argument.
She's been in there for 2 damn hours now, and I am a little fed up. If I have to take the elevator down 42 floors to take a piss, I should at least be allowed to brush my frikkin teeth.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr...

Another day or so of this and I may have to have a little private talk at work to ensure that I don't have to do this again. I'd like to at least room separately so that I can bring someone capable of intelligent conversation with me. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Annoyance on the West Coast

So maybe I am being a beeyotch, but...
My coworker has locked herself in the bathroom with her cellphone. In fact, I think the cellphone has been surgically attached somehow to the side of her face. She has been on it nonstop since we got here. If I am to be dining, shopping, touring, and sitting in class with someone who is on a phone with someone else the entire time, I'd just as soon travel by myself.

Obviously I do not merit the respect it would take to stay off the g.d. phone for thirty minutes.. and if that guy spends more than 15 minutes without hearing from her, the world might end.

I love the city,and it's not as if we haven't done anything fun together.. it's just profoundly irritating. Profoundly.

We tried on beautiful formal dresses at macy's tonight, and saw a filming of a TV show called Monk across the street from Union Square. Could have been cool.

Anyway I am going to watch Survivor and try to ignore the muted moans of apparent phone sex from the bathroom. Bleh.

Blogging San Francisco

I wrote an entire post about last night and lost it in a computer snafu this morning.

I am hesitant to put much energy into another decent post after that, especially if I am likely to lose the whole thing again.

Suffice it to say that I am enjoying San Francisco and I am feeling sort of bovine. The two are not related. But I'm tired and my filter is not working.

So far I've done Chinatown, the three-story Ross, a city tour this morning, and tomorrow I have to go to class in the morning. We are going to do Fisherman's Wharf and Alcatraz on Saturday.

And now I am going to relax a bit.

3000 Miles

This has been a long day. Hell, it's been a long week. But this month is flying by. I don't know how I will ever get everything done that I am supposed to. For now, though, I won't worry about it.

M and I traveled to the lower part of the state to conduct training on Wednesday and Thursday. It went well, as always. I was very surprised at the lack of.. well.. anything down there. I wasn't aware of how rural most of the state is. In places, it reminded me of when I was in Africa. And when it gets dark, it gets dark. No street lights, no neon signs, nothing but stars.

Not bad, just not what I expected. I am so used to the upstate or the coast, and our economic situation is so different. I couldn't live there, though. There weren't any grocery stores to speak of, and the only restaurants seemed to be McDonald's and Pizza Hut. Bleh.

Then Friday was L's CLemson-FSU event, which went pretty well. Saturday was the football game, where we sat in the nosebleed section and got sunburned and generally had a fantastic time.

I cannot possibly explain how much I love that man.

This morning we got up at 4:40 a.m. to go to the airport. I've been traveling all day. I'm now in San Francisco. We haven't really done anything so far, except eat lunch (where a very strange lady sat next to T at the counter and had a conversation with herself), go to Walgreens, and explore the hotel a little bit.

I'm sort of jet lagged and tired... there should be more to say tomorrow. There seems to be lots to do here, as long as my deposit goes through tomorrow.

Bad Gets Worse

..continued..

So here's where things really started to become odoriferous.

We arrived at the farm at that golden hour before dusk, when everything is still beautiful, and you know that a long dark drive is ahead of you. Grandmother was sitting in her lift chair covered with a quilt and 3-4 purring cats. Grandfather was still in his Sunday pants and an undershirt (the first time I have EVER seen him wear an undershirt in front of anyone), standing down by the depleted fish pond, staring intently at nothing.

Apparently grandfather was trying to fix the pump in the fish pond to keep from killing the rest of the giant koi, and fishing the rest of the dead fish out with a net. I went down to help, unaware of exactly what I was getting myself into. There are dead koi scattered all around the pond now, so you have to watch where you step. And the smell.. we won't talk about.

Mom and Grandfather both almost fell headfirst into the pond before I told them to get out of the way and tell me what needed to be done. Basically, I had to pull the pump out (no small feat in itself). I then had to reach into the slime filled pond with a grappling hook and find the handle of an extremely slimy bucket, which was full of bricks and slimy water (and dead fish, naturally). I then had to lift said bucket over the dam and dump the water and crap out of it, and replace it in the bottom of the pond, upright.. then place the pump back inside.

Did I mention that I was wearing my favorite cordoroy pants. Yeah.

Oh, but it gets worse.

I strained my back doing all this. When we finally got back on the road, it was my turn to drive, so we set out as the sun set, mom waving from the porch with Indiana and her wagging tail beside her.

The drive was uneventful until we hit Charlotte. That's when all hell broke loose. We were cruising along at about 80 mph in the left lane, when we ran over something that looked like a piece of plastic. There was no way to avoid it, but when we hit it, we suddenly realized that we had no drivers side tires. At all.

I tried to keep control of the 4Runner and get over to the right side of the road, and we almost got creamed by a semi, but we made it.

This is what happened to one of the tires..

So here we are, in the dark, on the side of the interstate. I call Cingular Roadside Assistance, only to be informed by the idiot who answered the telephone that we'll be charged for everything they do, including sending out a towtruck, never mind that that isn't what the RA deal is at all. He then claimed that he couldn't find Charlotte, NC and were we sure we weren't in Rock Springs or Raleigh? Why didn't we just leave him alone and call the police?

I called the highway patrol, who were friendly, efficient, and obviously overworked. He recommended a tire repair shop and called a tow truck for us. I called W to see if he could come get us.

He had just smoked up and was in the zone, but he came on over. We spent the night at his house, which was fine, but we had no toothbrushes, no clean clothes, no shower. We woke up this morning profoundly miserable and feeling horrid that our doggies were home alone with no dinner or breakfast.

We called the tire place and were informed that we needed to come look at our car because.. well.. it was vandalized overnight. Someone broke the window and stole everything that wasn't nailed down, including the receipts for the arts event, which means that they had my father's credit card number. Not. Good.

I called dad and he cancelled the card. New one won't be here for 7-10 days. I have 2 business trips in that time, for which I have no spare funds. Great.

I had to miss band practice, and I feel like I've been beaten across the back with a 2x4. Tomorrow I have to get up at 5, put my luggage in the car, and go to work. After work, M and I head to Edisto, where I have to teach back to back classes, all day for 2 days, on my feet. In heels.

Our poor car. My poor back. My poor L. He's got dark circles under his eyes. He doesn't know when they'll be able to fix his window, and we were supposed to take the 4Runner to tailgate in for the Clemson-FSU game on Saturday.

So. That's how my weekend was. Thanks for asking.

*shuffles off to bed*

The Beginning of Bad

This weekend has been unbelievable. Un..be..effin..lievable.

I'll begin from the beginning. Friday of course I drove all day to get Mom. Not a big deal. Everything went smoothly. We got home to L serving up the best lasagne I have ever had in my life. He made everything from scratch and you could almost smell it when you pulled into the driveway. It was that good.

Saturday Mom and I went shopping and bought her a nice black dress with beadwork on it. It looked very nice on her and she really likes it. Best of all, it was pretty inexpensive, since we found it at Ross. We bought her new shoes and everything. Then we went and had her hair done, and when we got home, I did her nails. She got to be a princess for a day and loved every minute of it.

Now here's where it starts to go south just a little bit.

We get to the art center opening, and it's all steps, stairs, and crowds of people crammed into a space that was much to small for the number of people present. I was terrified that mom was going to fall or something. We ignored the hors d'ouvres because our tickets had specifically mentioned dinner. There was no dinner. And by the time we were informed of this fact (and I do mean our entire party of 8-9 people), most of the hors d'ouvres were gone.

Add to this the fact that Mom can't have alcohol, and there were no complimentary non-alcoholic beverages. $90 a ticket, and we have to pay for Coca Cola. Then they ran out of red wine. Then they ran out of coffee. The elevators weren't working and our table was upstairs, so we had to go get the car and drive mom around so that she could sit down, because there was no seating of any kind downstairs. There were no restrooms upstairs, a fact we discovered after we had gotten Mom to the table.

Not to say that it was a bad experience, but mainly the good part was seeing Mom's reaction to being able to be there. I'll never forget it, and I'll do whatever I can to get that look on her face again as often as possible. : )

Sunday morning L and I got up before Mom did, shockingly enough. Actually, she had been up already, but went back to sleep. When I went in to wake her up, she had evidently fallen asleep while writing in her journal. It was lying there beside her while she slept, the cap still off the pen. She had written the date, and "This is the first day of the rest of my life."

Heh. I must say that got me.

Of course she doesn't know I saw it, and I'd never tell her. I am just glad to know that she is at least thinking about making positive changes.

Unfortunately, it's all downhill from there.

L made breakfast and we left for NC around 11 am. I had made the mistake of mentioning winesap apples while talking to Mom at some point, so she suggested that we go through Asheville and pick some up. "On the way." "It's really the same distance," Mom insisted, "And we'll get to see the leaves."

She was right about the leaves, but the scenic route definitely added about an hour and a half to the drive. L and I kept a good attitude about it, though, because Mom wanted to see the leaves, and we knew she wasn't in any hurry to go home. We found a great italian restaurant to have lunch, where mom tried a brie omelet and said it tasted like a musty attic, but she ate it.

...to be continued...

Pics from Last Night

Performance Artist Brian Olsen from Denver, CO painted with his hands and a few big brushes.. It was a really cool show!
L looked good enough to eat in a tuxedo..
Me and Mom ready to go to the "ball." I think Mom felt kind of like Cinderella, with all the shopping and stuff we did. We had a great time shopping and getting ready, but I think Mom walked too much. Her legs are hurting today and her feet are swollen.

Pics from Halloween

Zeus and Aphrodite after a few drinks... Those eyelashes looked pretty cool, but they drove me insane all night.
Here we are, Aphrodite and her Roman Soldier of choice. We froze our butts off, but we had a fine time. (And Jeez does L have great legs!)

The Big Event

It's 11:30, Mom is asleep, and my feet hurt. Pictures and details tomorrow. Also explanation of why there were no non-alcoholic drinks or restrooms available at said $90-a-plate event.. oh, and no plates and no dinner either.

"Dinner" = heavy hors d'oveures that were mostly gone by the time we realized that dinner was not coming.

Mom and I had more fun shopping. And I had more fun looking at L in a tux.

Yum.

I Don't Care What You Think

Nice title, huh? One day it will be true.

I have to stop being such a soft touch. Obviously I am an easy target, otherwise I wouldn't get my feelings hurt by people that I know should not merit a second thought. Like H.

I didn't go on Sunday to bury Gracie. My reasons were pretty straightforward. They're basically the same reasons I didn't go back to see Amara after we sold her, even though the new owner said I was welcome. I couldn't bear to look at her and know she wasn't mine anymore.

I tried to distance myself before any of this ever happened, because I knew I was setting myself up to get my heart broken by getting so attached to her. I knew that I'd have to deal with H if I ever wanted to buy her, and that she'd make sure I could never afford her. It didn't help, but I tried. I had my reasons, and obviously they weren't good enough. Tough shit.

1) I didn't want to watch her die. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I didn't want to watch her die.
2) I didn't feel exactly welcome, not after H went all norman bates on me. I saw no reason to subject myself to that, a fact which I discussed with L and he agreed.
3) I've already been accused of having an affair with M, by H. How was it going to look, if I was running off to Georgia with him every weekend, and showing up with him in Hendersonville? Even if it was for Gracie, I wasn't willing to put myself in that position. Is that so wrong of me? The truth is that as far as H is concerned, she's trying to project her failings onto me. I'm damned with her no matter what I do. Or what I don't do. She'd far rather accuse me and M of something that admit to what she's done.

And yet, M tells me that I was a subject of conversation that day because I didn't go. That I abandoned Gracie, as if I didn't love her. And I'm such a damn soft touch that I feel like I have to defend myself against that.

Well screw that. I've put enough of my tears and sadness and suffering on display in the past 28 years. I don't want to do that anymore, and I don't think it's fair for anyone to put me down because I refuse to grieve in public.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for no reason. And whatever H thinks is no reason to feel guilty. I had reasons for not going, and they were good ones. And as much as I hate it, Gracie is another part of my life that I have to shut the door on (like J), because it hurts too damn much and I refuse to wallow in it. H doesn't like it? Feh. It isn't as if she's my friend or anything. She has made that abundantly clear.

I'm getting tired of shutting doors this year.

Goodbye to the Best Horse in the World

Gracie was put down today. There was nothing else they could do; she wasn't healing.

I didn't go. I can't handle any more drama at the moment, and I didn't want to watch her die.

She was the best horse I've ever ridden or worked with, and I will miss her. : (

It Keeps Getting Crazier...

Okay, I am nearing my bullshit limit for this decade already. Most of it has happened this week.

Yesterday H called me, ranting and raving and cursing me for no apparent reason. According to the message she left on my voice mail, my friendship is no big loss, she knows I am just ignoring the phone calls she has not made (neither I nor my cell phone company has any record of the calls she said she made to my phone), and I am... a quite impressive string of profanities.

I called her back, since this was all news to me, to find that she is spitting pea soup over a book that she loaned me. A book I have every intention of returning. As I told her in the letter that will accompany said book via UPS, she has never had anything I want.

Furthermore, she told me (the only time she has called me, as a matter of fact) that she wasn't in any rush for the book, and that I could bring it by the next time I came out that way. I haven't been out there since. And I could give a flying fuck what she thinks anyway.

Jeezus! What, do I have some sort of psycho-magnet embedded somewhere? I keep attracting them like nobody's business. I'm more than a little bit sick of it, to tell the truth. Pfft.

Anyway the hurricane is over, and I haven't heard from my sister. Mom says that she is okay, so I imagine that her phone does not work. I am wondering what the situation is with S and the nutcase. ..

Who am I kidding? It's never enough.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, with two family operas playing out at the same time. My mother's brothers and sister want to auction my mother's house and belongings and move her and the grandparents somewhere.. as if she's dead or retarded or something and can't decide for herself what she wants to do.

One common thread with both situations is that no one in my family has any idea what normal is, or that there are supposed to be boundaries between people. My sister, for instance, is convinced that she can change S's mind about everything that she has said to B.

S is a kid. She doesn't understand the ramifications of any of what has happened, and she shouldn't have to. My sister has unintentionally shot herself in the foot on this, because B heard some of the things she was saying to S while he was on the phone. Of course she didn't mean a word of it. That doesn't change the fact that it could be very damaging to her.

Oh, but I'm the bitch when I try to tell her what he's trying to do. Damn it, she needs to know and act before he has a chance to ruin her chances of getting S back. Add to this the fact that he's trying to use my conversation with him as ammunition against her. I have not "decided" anything with him, and I am NOT "on his side." I do think I am the only one who has S's interests firmly in mind here.

I don't think she is better off with B, but I don't think my sister's house is the best place for her either, right now.. not if things like what happened the night before last continue to happen. And that was by no means the first time it's been knock-down-drag-out in Samiland.

S is also playing this for all it's worth. She is too young to know what that could mean for her, and for her mother. But there is no way to change the way she sees this. At this point anything my sister says to her is going to be clouded by a million different distortions, and she's up there being love-bombed.. and she's still a baby. She doesn't get it and probably won't until she's much older, if indeed she ever does.

This whole thing makes me sick.

I'm very tired and not sure how I am supposed to help my sister. I can't in good conscience say that what happened the other night was "nothing." Neither can I side with B.. he's still kind of nuts; that hasn't changed. And I don't take kindly to being used by anyone for any purpose.

Meh. I'm going to watch football with L.

As if that wasn't enough...

Right now I am glad that L feels the same way about his family that I do about mine most of the time (that we must have been adopted or something). Hopefully he won't run screaming away from me over this latest. I love my family very much, but sometimes I marvel at their choices and their paths in life. I wonder how people with the same blood can make such completely opposite choices and screw their lives so completely.

My grandmother is still in the hospital, and the doctors refuse to do surgery because she won't take blood transfusions. It's likely that she's going to hurt herself again when they send her home, hip still broken. They are doing nothing for her and she is adamant about not accepting blood transfusions.

My great aunt is having surgery next week to remove a kidney that is cancerous. She is feuding with her son, who lives next door, and she is afraid that she will be alone when she has the surgery. My mother, the orthopedic disaster and Parkinson's patient, wants to go down to Georgia and be with her. Mom doesn't realize that she won't be able to help very much if anything does happen, because she can hardly walk.

And she wants me to drive 4 hours to NC to pick her up, another 4 hours back here from NC, then 1 1/2 hours to Georgia, and then 1 1/2 hours back to my house... that's 11 hours of driving she wants me to do in one day. And I am hearing no offers of gas money.

My sister sounds like she has completely fallen apart. And I don't blame her for being in serious pain right now. My neice called the cops on her last night, and as I type this, she's getting ready to go live with her biological father, who is a redneck nutcase, if I remember correctly.

The thing is, I can understand my neice being freaked out.. my sister can be terrifying when she's had enough to drink. But my neice has also lived with her for her entire life and she knows what to expect. But she's a child who thinks she's grown, as all 15-year-old girls do. She made a mistake deciding to go live with B, and she will probably regret it.

My sister is, as I said, falling apart. She is going to lose her job, and now she's by herself. She says that she hates my neice, but I know she doesn't. She's just in a spin right now. that doesn't change the damage that's been done. I am worried about what she will do now. It has seemed to me for a long time that S was the only thing holding my sister on course.

I really worry about her and I know that there isn't much I can do, except wonder how this happened, and be there when she wants to talk.

Naptime

I talked to grandmother today. No word yet on the doctors' decision about her hip. Hopefully they'll decide something soon.

I've been so tired all day; I sort of slogged through the day, dreaming about coming home and curling up with L for a nice nap before dinner. Which is precisely what I did. He cooked spaghetti, we watched NCSI, and now I am getting ready to go back to bed.

He has several other shows that he wants to watch tonight.. Lucky him. He doesn't have to get up at 5 am. I wish he felt like going to bed.. he is incredibly nice to sleep with. But I had my snuggle and my nap, so I can't really complain much.

I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I feel awfully achy and weak though, and my stomach hurts. I don't want to be sick. : So I am going to bed now.

Drama, Drama, Melodrama

This weekend has been an exercise in endurance.

I went to take my mother to her doctor's appointment in Virginia, but the doctor called and rescheduled for Tuesday, which would be impossible for me to do. So it ended up being a visit. I drove up saturday, hung over and sleepy already. I hung out with Mom for a while, and then we went to dinner. Grandmother and grandfather didn't want to go with us, so they stayed down by the bonfire (they had been burning brush all day as they love to do) as the moon came up.

When we got back they were sitting in the living room, grandfather slumped over the kitchen table asleep, and grandmother lying in the automatic recliner. While down by the fire an hour or so earlier, grandmother had somehow broken her leg and fallen. Luckily she didn't fall into the fire.

It was weird.. here was grandmother obviously hurt, mom didn't want to make a decision, grandfather didn't want to make a decision, so everybody sat there and looked at her, expecting her to tell them what they should do. I called the hospital and then the ambulance to come and pick her up. We then spent the entire night at the hospital. We got back at 4:30 am, and the phone started ringing at 5. Needless to say I got very little sleep.

Today was the needlessly melodramatic discussion with my mother over her living situation, which has to change, and soon. I don't know what might have happened to grandmother if I had not been there. She was afraid to go to the hospital, and wanted to wait until her regular doctor's appointment on Tuesday. My guess is that if she had done that, she could have hurt herself much worse, or gotten infected or something...

Right now she is in the hospital and they are doing a CT scan tomorrow to see if they should operate to fix the femur, or if they should operate to replace the hip joint again. The current replacement is 10 years old, and is almost worn out anyway.

I think mom has tentatively agreed to look into a new plan. We'll see what happens in actuality.. we'll see.

When I got home, L was cooking salmon on the grill, steamed broccoli.. i was starving and in need of a hug. Damn he is the best boyfriend on the planet. The. Absolute. best.

EJECT

Sometimes I would really like to have an EJECT button. I could use it in any situation to eject certain people, feelings, or circumstances from my life with the push of a button. Deadbeat ex-husband.. Bam! Gone! Endless debt... EJECT. Not anymore! The entire organization of Jehovah's Witnesses.. boop. No longer a problem. My family would have no reason to act like they come from the planet Weirdo. And most of all, I'd eject the rampant stupidity. It's a veritable pandemic.
This morbid stupidity is especially apparent among women, especially those old biddies who have nothing better to do than flap their sagging jowls about other people who have more important things to do. Oh yes, my friends, I have become the subject of yet another gossip mill. It seems to happen everywhere I go. It doesn't matter what I wear; someone will always say it's too tight or too short or something. That even happened when I worked at the hospital and had to wear regulation scrubs just like everybody else. It doesn't matter how professional my manners; some old bat will always make up a rumor about me having some sort of illicit affair. This time I am rumored to be having an affair with our VP, with whom I have exchanged maybe 15 words in our entire acquaintance.
I have to wonder where the hell this comes from. I wish there were a simple solution... EJECT. But there's not. I've examined every aspect of my professional persona and I can say that:
1) I see nothing wrong with anything that I wear to work. I don't wear short skirts, and I don't wear low cut shirts.
2) I do not flirt at work. There is no one here that I have any desire to flirt with. Not even remotely.
3) Maybe I am a little too open and friendly to everyone, and maybe I should not be sociable. I don't think that makes much sense, but that's all I can think of.
It makes me so freaking angry that I have to put up with that kind of crap!
Anyway I did buy a new hard drive yesterday. I'm not quite up to par again on my home computer, but I'll hopefully be there soon. Getting all of my data back from the old hard drive is a different story. I think I may have to accept that all of that stuff is gone forever. : (

The Good News is...

I can get a new hard drive for $39.99 after mail in rebate. Blah blah blah. It's looking like that's what will happen. L and I tried everything last night, and it wouldn't even start from a boot disk. The boot sector is gone, I think.

So, rather than try to reformat and lose everything on the drive anyway and still not be able to restart the computer ever again, I guess I will buy a new drive, and then assign my current drive as a slave so I can recover my stuff.. hopefully that will work. It is a royal pain in the rear.

In the meantime until I get my financials running again, I'm in deep crapola. I have bills due and I have no idea where the checks go because I havent actually mailed them in so long. Everything has been online, and all of that information is automatic in the software now. With no paper records and no way to retrieve my files yet, I'm kinda stuck. Meh.

When it rains it pours, I guess.

Crashola

My home computer has crashed in a big way. I'm not sure what happened, but I've to try and get my financial info, etc off of the hard drive before I restore. I stand to lose 100 pages of my book (and if I lose that,forget it. I'm not starting over), all of my financial info, all of my music and pictures, everything. Damn it, why didn't I back anything up?!

Hopefully I can have it running again soon, but I'm not sure how long it might take. : (

Mixed Feelings

I had a pretty good day yesterday. L and I went to look at the land, and we are both equally in love with it. We called the men who are selling it, and L is going to find out about financing options on Monday. He said he may buy both available pieces, if he can negotiate with them. I'm really excited about it.. it's exactly what we want, and only 15 minutes from work. It's perfect.

So here's where the mixed feelings come in... My ring didn't sell on ebay. I got a lot of bids, but they topped out at $400, and it's a $3,000 ring. $400 isn't going to do me much good. That wasn't even half of the reserve price. So.. I just listed it in the paper. I only felt bad for a minute.. I mean it's not as if I want to ever wear the thing again. I know I should sell it. After all, it would be just another means to an end. I know where i want to go, and what I have to get rid of to get there.

The debts have to go, and as quickly as possible. I can't let any stupid sentimentality get in my way. But for just a minute, every time I think of it, I feel like I'm losing something.

I am losing something. If I sell that ring, I'll be losing a car payment. That's enough for me. Or it should be.

And there's another thing I've learned from this whole experience.. buying things (with the exception of real estate) is a poor substitute for investment. Liquid cash is much better than any type of goods.. at least if you want to be able to use your money. It seems I always end up taking a loss when it comes to selling assets.

A List for My Sister, the Queen of the World

I have no idea how to make this coherent. So it's a list.

1) Everybody has some image inside their head of who they want to be, or who they wish they were. Our mother always used to say that she wanted to be a lady; what she meant and never said, I think, was that she wanted to be like K. She has always been waiting for the day when she can be that, but that never happens. She's the fartherest thing I can think of from what she wants to be right now. Why is that? (I use mom as an example because she's a damn good example of this behavior..) I think it was Aristotle who said that we should do everyday what we want to be. Or something along that line.

I'm trying to figure out who I want to be. I'm almost there in terms of knowing. In terms of being, I've got a ways to go.. but even a shuffle is progress. Sometimes it isn't fun; sometimes it's downright hard and miserable. but it pays off. Does my sister know who my sister wants to be? Who is she inside, where she is her perfect self? Can she realize her real ambitions and goals and needs surrounded by people who don't know and don't care? Er... no.

But you can't tell people things like this. Not and have them listen. I think you're there right now, Slammie. I think it's time for you to decide who you are and where you're going. I think you should make a list of who you would be if you were perfectly you. What would you look like? What would you wear? How would you feel? How would your friends feel about you? What would you do every day? What and who is in your life that is holding you hostage and preventing you from even knowing who you are?

2) Change is good. But it hurts like a mofo, even if the change is a good one. Case in point, I know what kind of hell you went through when you and R split. I went through the same kind of hell over J. But both of us were better out of those relationships, albeit for different reasons. Both relationships were holding us back from being. We've both got the tendency to live for other people. We have to try harder than other people to overcome that, to hold on to our own identities, to be who we are even if we do want everyone to love us.

And we do okay for two bodacious women who were conditioned to override our own sense of right and wrong almost from birth. We came into adulthood with no idea where the fences should be between ourselves and others. We never had any idea what was appropriate and what wasn't. It's all about getting rid of that anxious feeling we get when we feel like other people don't approve of us or like us. It doesn't matter who those people might be, and whether or not they are worth our time.

The lesson that parents should teach their children above all else is that of personal responsibility.. that you are in charge of your own life, and come hell or high water, you're going to pay the price for your own actions or inactions in the end. You might as well live according to your own heart. We never learned that. We learned dependence and manipulation and sublime showmanship, but not personal responsibility and definitely not discipline, strangely enough. I am trying to teach myself discipline right now. (Amazing how much weakness we can tolerate in our friends and partners, and how little we tolerate in ourselves, isn't it?)

The point here? Change is hard. Unlearning all the crap that's holding you down is hard. But it's worth it.

3) Tough love is a bitch. I know it's important, but it has to be tempered with love and compassion and common sense. In that spirit.. BOHICA.

A lot of happiness can come from relationships with friends and others, and a lot of misery as well. Like me, you've got an amazing talent for picking the wrong people to surround yourself with. I've discovered that I do this for several reasons: a) I feel sorry for the person and/or I want to save/reform/help them in some way, b) They seem to adore me and think I'm great, and that makes me feel good, until I realize that they're codependents who eventually always decide that something is wrong with anyone who would hang out with them, or c) They're there, so I figure I might as well.

I've learned to be very conscious about choosing my friends. The main question is "Do I want to be like this person, or does this person want to be like me?" If the person is someone you'd like to be like, then good. If not, run screaming in the other direction. There are people in the world who will build you up, and there are others who will do their best to hold you down. It may sound shallow, may sound bitchy. Whatever. I'll own it. So I'm a bitch who thinks that not everyone deserves my friendship. Yep. That's about right.

So let's take a look at your choices right now, shall we? A beautiful but mostly insane woman in her thirties who still behaves like an 18-year-old cocaine addicted exotic dancer... Another beautiful but mostly insane woman in her forties who expects you to read her mind and satisfy her every desire, who denigrates you at every opportunity and misses no chance to tell you what a loser you are.. A dorky looking line cook who deals drugs on the side and has been violent toward you, not to mention his disrespectful attitude toward you and his actions of last night... Some club-hopping jerk who throws shoes at you and calls you names... need I go on? Do ANY of these people know or care who you really are, and who you want to be?

UM... NO.

You are so much better than that.

Step one is deciding who you are going to be. Step two is flushing, exfoliating, and exorcising all of that shit from your life. Step three is deciding which direction you're headed in and what method of transport will take you where you want to go the fastest. Step four is buying in, getting on the bus, and not looking back. It's all cake from there.

I'm hoping one of these days I can get myself and my damn suitcase on the bus. ;)

Hang in there, Kiiiiyyyum
I love you more than I've ever been able to say.
Seriously, you're the best, no matter how many times you farted on my pillow when we were kids. : D

The Grind

The last two days at work have been pretty heinous. I dealt with one of the most unprofessional people with one of the biggest egos and the worst biddy complex I've ever seen. (Biddy complex, you ask? It's that tendency that women have to pick at other women, noted especially common among the 50-60ish women in the office. They're definitely not all that way, but the ones who are certainly are insufferable.)

Anyway, then I started getting emails from the old bat again. I was quite proud of the fact that I didn't dignify them with a response.

I ran 2 1/2 miles today at the gym, plus yoga and stretching after. I am really kinda sore, but it's a good thing.

I watched Survivor and CSI... Am I turning into a TV person after all these years?! God forbid! But I must admit that there are shows that I really do enjoy. Survivor is my favorite. I think I should be on that show. I think I could take it. I also love Extreme Home Makeover and What Not to Wear. I'd like to get my sister on What Not to Wear just so she could have $5K and a really good time. Maybe that would cheer her up. Next entry is for her. Get ready for that one.

Anyway, I found out today that a former co-worker of mine from the restaurant, a big, cute-in-a-scruffy-kinda-way line cook, has made finals on American Idol in Greensboro NC. Soon the AI folks will be in our neck of the woods. People at work have asked me if I am going to audition.. I probably won't though. I'm not a pop singer and I don't think I'm slick enough for that audience. I do have a first rehearsal with a new band on Monday. Jazz.. :D Something new for me.. I think I will love it.

I'm off tomorrow.. going to do some cleaning and some crafties and maybe dinner with some friends... Saturday we are going to look at some land. Update on that later, after I see if L likes it as much as I do.

And now I am off to type another blog entry...

Good Evening and Welcome..

..to the Dysfunction Junction semi-nightly news.

L has been home since Sunday, and right this minute he is in bed, and not feeling well at all. I know it must be bad.. he doesn't go to bed before 11 unless he's really feeling bad. Poor guy.

In other news, a lady at work had a cat stuck under her car when she arrived today. It was a kitten, probably about 4-5 weeks old. It survived the trip from her town to work (about 15 miles) and aside from being covered in brake dust was just fine. This was the cutest kitten I think I've ever seen.. calico with orange tips on her ears, and a white mustache under her little nose. She had blue eyes and six toes on each paw. I swear, it looked like she had opposable thumbs, and she can grip things with them, too! It's wild!

My boss took her home for her little neice. If she hadn't, L would probably be unhappy with me right now, because I would have come home with another cat. Monster would probably hate me forever if I'd done that. So it's just as well.

And now I am trying to decide which task I need to tackle first this evening. I have been putting off the balancing of my bank accounts because I know I am far, far in the hole this month. I have one ebay bid on the ring, but unless more people really start bidding soon, it won't sell. I have to list the other stuff on ebay soon, because I need some cash, and the room in the garage wouldn't be bad either.

I went to the gym again today. So far I am doing well on my "workout every day" plan. I ran 2 miles yesterday, and a mile and a half today. Tomorrow it's back to 2, until I can do it without too much trouble, then I'll go to 3, and so on. I can definitely feel the difference, but unfortunately I can't see the difference yet. I hope that happens soon. My pictures from HH really brought home to me the fact that I am starting to look rather like a wide load.

Not being perfect is one thing. Looking like a tube sock stuffed with cottage cheese is another. It's been a few weeks, and I still haven't lost my first 10 lb. I wouldn't have the money right now for my promised trip to Victoria's Secret anyway, but I wouldn't argue with saving the reward for later if I could feel a little better about myself.

I'd really actually like a nap right now, to tell the truth. But if I do that, I'll never get anything else done. So I'm off to be productive.

Here I am with the hibiscus...

Our best imitation of a couple of drunken firemen..er.. women. The bad part is that this was the beginning of the evening.  

Gone and Done It

Well I finally put the ring on ebay. I probably won't sell it and will just get stuck paying the $20 listing fee, with my luck.. but I didn't want to risk having to sell it to someone for $3 because I didn't want to pay for the reserve price listing. : If I can sell it, I can pay off the car($1000), and that will really help me out.

I have several other things that will be going on the auction block, as well. A coffee table and some end tables, a comforter set, some other random stuff that is sitting in the garage collecting dust, and reminds me of something I'd rather forget.

Is it normal to feel this disgusted about your past? For some reason lately I've been feeling like a real moron for letting everything go south on me the way I did. I guess it feels safe to think about it, now that it's all over and done with.

Meh. Anyway it's time to hit the shower and go to bed. L will be home tomorrow!

The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful

I'm in Hilton Head, and it just started raining. Yesterday was nice, though. I got some sun, had a margarita with T, and read a book. Class is ok, the trip is been all right so far. But I miss L.

ANd today is S's birthday. I've already called and left her a funny song on her answering machine.

It's time for lunch, so I have to cut this short..

Hey La, Hey La, My Boyfriend's Back

And I am leaving tomorrow for Hilton Head, for a week. As much fun as I think HH will be, I wish I had a few more days like today with him. Last night there was quite the joyful homecoming. So joyful, in fact, that we skipped the 5K we have been planning to do for months and slept in.

I woke up to german chocolate flavored coffee and kisses. We went to Olive Garden for lunch, then to the bookstore. We stopped in at PetSmart so I could look at the tack store. I was duly impressed with the variety of stuff they had.. everything from saddles and halters to riding pants to brushes to horse cookies. Very nifty.

And who should I run into but an old "colleague" from the dancing days. She was probably the closest thing to a friend I had in that club. We did a lot of shopping together. She's a dog trainer now, happily married, but apparently we have some mental quirks in common. She mentioned feeling like she lost most of her early twenties.. I thought I was the only one who thought that way. Funny.

Then we came home and decided a nap was in order. We slept for an hour or so, and were awakened by the cat, who wanted to play. We obliged until he ran away, and then decided to do something more constructive with our time, since we were already comfortably in bed.

Altogether a great day, especially considering the awesome sex, twice in 12 hours or so. I cannot possibly complain. In fact, I could deal with that every day. At least every other.

And now I am off to dry my hair, and then to bed again. T will be here at 8, and then we're off to the beach in the convertible, top down, radio up.

Gearing Up for...

It's Friday at last, and I've got a full day ahead, getting ready for my trip. Unfortunately, it looks like I will be traveling just in time for the highest gas prices on record. Great.

It seems that I have a lot to be irritated about lately, especially yesterday. I'll just list the aggravations, shall I?

1) People who bring me huge, needlessly complicated budgets to process that don't add up!!! Argh! If you have "doctor" in front of your name, you have no excuse for not knowing how to add, for chrissakes!

2) People who email me, then call on the phone as they are pressing the Send button, to say the exact same thing.

3) My ex husband has been back in the military for 2 weeks already and no one saw fit to inform me. Not that I particularly care where he is or what he is doing, but he promised me that he would keep the car payment and the house payment current, and he has been court ordered to do so, as well as pay me $4,900 for the remaining half of the marital debt. He was supposed to use his reup cash bonus to pay off his car and give me the money he owes me. He has done none of this.. the house is going into foreclosure and the bank is threatening to repo his car. Both of these accounts have my name on them, so all of my hard work at paying off bills and trying to get on track this past 2 years has been completely a waste of time. I should have just declared bankruptcy and said to hell with it. Add that to the fact that J and his parents waited until almost 2 months after the notices on the accounts were received to get said notices to me, so now it is basically too late to negotiate with them. Oh yeah, and part B to this whole thing is that I have tried repeatedly and in writing to change my address with my own creditors, and they are still sending things to my ex-in-laws' house. I never even lived there, not even for a week. For the love of God, how hard is it to send my mail to the correct address???

4) As if that isn't enough, when I got home, I had a bill from my attorney to the tune of $850. When it rains, it pours.. I feel like the financial equivalent of New Orleans right now.

5) Someone should start teaching mandatory driving courses to employees at this fine establishment. Since starting to work there, I have acquired exactly 23 scratches, dents, and creases in my car from parking in the employee parking lots here. Some of this damage is rather spectacular.. the vanity plate holder in the front is crammed into the front of the car where someone backed or just drove into it. The paint is scraped off down to the metal on both sides where someone (or multiple someones) scrubbed their bumper all the way down. I have big creases in both doors where people have opened their doors into my car. I swear it looks like they've had a contest to see who can kick their doors open hardest, and who can leave the longest door dent! Apparently someone sat a box or something on my hood while unlocking their own car, or smoking crack, or whatever they were doing.. I could deal with my car being used as a temporary shelf, if they hadn't slid the box off of the car, leaving a row of scratches that makes it look like my hood was attacked by a very large, spastic (possibly even schizophrenic) cat.

Today must be better. It has no choice.

For a Moment I'm Gonna Be 15..

..and post some song lyrics...
(c) Marc Cohn of course :) Scroll past the lyrics for my commentary. Of course.

Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel, And sometimes I'm cruel
And when it comes to love I'm just another fool
Yes, I'll climb a mountain, I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl Could keep you safe from me
My arms are reaching out Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion
True companion True companion

So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you allright
And when I take your hand I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers And I'll lift up your veil
Then I'll take you home And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion; I got a true companion
True companion

When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like the couple on the corner do
'Cause girl I will always be in love with you
And when I look in your eyes I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall Until the room grows dark
Then when I leave this Earth I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion
True companion True companion

This has got to be one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard. This is how couples should feel about each other.. and this is how they should express it. I'm hung up on this at the moment... some things need to be said in a relationship, and this is one of them (provided that's how you feel, of course).

"There ain't no act of God girl Could keep you safe from me "
Heh. Wow.

Ok, that's enough of that.

This is Pie. She is a spotted horse with a naturally heart-shaped spot on her behind. She knows exactly how cute she is.. She reminds me of one of those girls with the lower back tattoo and the low rider jeans for some reason. :) 

What is it they say about leading a horse to water??? 

And this is Panda... She's no Gracie, but she's sweet. 

Smoochie thinks I have cookies for her. All I have is a halter for Panda. 

Domestic Blahs

I did not sleep well last night. I usually don't when L is out of town. When he's gone I wake up at every sound, even though I sleep with the dogs in the house, so I know that if anyone broke in, they'd be immediately chewed to bits. (They're very nice dogs, but rather protective and territorial.)

I got a lot done today, though. I ate a little dinner, vacuumed the whole house, did the dishes, and did two loads of laundry. There was a moment of excitement when I was in the shower and the power went out, just about the time I was covered in soap. For a second all I could think of was Psycho. I know, stupid. I decided that if someone were coming to stab me through the shower curtain, they'd have a rough time of it, with the mirrored shower doors. And besides that, there's not much I could do about it, if someone were there. So I decided to go on showering in the dark. And then the power decided to come back on, so I decided to shave my legs after all.

Tomorrow I think I am going out to M's to play with the horses, even though Gracie won't be home for a long time. I can't go that long without riding or at least practicing my Parelli games. I've just got to figure out who it's going to be.. the palomino? the paint? the 3-year-old with the blaze on his nose?

I'd start working with the black mare, but she's H's, and I don't want to get too attached to her. There's no way I could ever afford to buy her someday, even if she were ever to be for sale, which would never happen. And as far as personality.. Smoochie is beautiful, but she's no Gracie.

I talked to L for a while today. He is enjoying his trip, to his surprise. I'm glad, but I wish our trips had been spaced differently. *sigh*

And now it's time for bed.. (Put the cat in his condo, let the dogs out, turn the tv off, and snooze..)

Gracie likes to have her hiney scratched because she can't reach it. She also likes to show off her new cast.. 

I Luv Gracie! 

Here is Gracie with her cast on. She's the first horse at UGA to ever undergo the surgery she had, and she's doing just fine! Looks like she will recover from what is usually a fatal injury for a horse! 

Faster than a Speeding Bullet..

I tried to update this blog again last night, only to find that my internet connection was acting loopy and my posts would not save. Of course, my blood alcohol level was also probably a factor.

This weekend has been full to say the least. I went to an Arts festival with L on Saturday morning, and Saturday night we went to a football party. Clemson lost their game (boo!) and FSU won theirs (yay!) and a good time was had by all.

However, getting up early on Sunday morning sucked. I rode with M and his mom and J (who had spent the night in jail for speeding and DUI.. a very unhappy camper) to UGA to see Gracie. She is doing much better.. I will try to post pics later. Her leg is all casted and stiff, but she looks much better than before and we're thinking that she will make it just fine.

Last night we went to a reception for Wilton Earle (author of "Manse") and Dick Estelle from NPR's Radio Reader. Very nice man, very nice party. However, I started the night with 2 martinis, I had no dinner, and I finished the night with more red wine than was good for me.

This morning I had to get up at 5:30 to take L to the airport, then make the arduous trek to work. I miss L already. I think it's because I know he will be gone all week, and then when he gets back, I will be gone all of the next week! (But never fear, I will take my laptop!) Then before I get back from Hilton Head, he will be going back to Tally. So I don't see him for at least 2 weeks, possibly 3.

Bleh.

Barnie loves to chew, even on the dirtiest and most worn out dog toy in existence. 

Can we come inside now? 

Tragedy Strikes

Forgive me, I'd written a whole post here, which now mysteriously is missing.

It was all about Gracie and how she broke her leg coming through the front of the horse trailer. How I have no idea why or what happened. One minute we were getting ready to go trail riding and the next she was bleeding and a leg was broken and I was facing that fact that she may get put down.

The vet says she has a chance to live, but that she'll never be a trail horse again. I doubt she will ever be ridden again. But I'd rather see her alive as a pet than the alternative.

There are so many risks though, and no guarantee that the surgery will work for her. I hope it does though.

I am heartbroken, of course. The best horse in the world is ruined for no reason.

What I Noticed Today

It's another plain old day. Work, drive, dinner, tv, blog, bed.

Except that there are those little things that make it good. It doesn't sparkle. It's more like the first time you notice that the leaves are changing in the fall. It's a quiet miracle. I like that.

A quiet miracle that I can go from not wanting to wake up in the morning to loving plain days in inside a year. Little, ordinary, sometimes almost worn out things make life what it should be.. happy.

Like the glass of wine that he poured for me before dinner, and the fact that he picked the glass that he knows I love. And he did it without saying a word.

The fact that he's terribly ticklish and sometimes that's irresistable. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't get mad either.

The dogs that like you no matter what you're wearing or what kind of mood you're in. The fact that Denver bit me by accident when I fed him a bite of steak, and then tried to issue a doggy apology.

The fact that my mother called just to talk last night, and she didn't sound like she wanted to jump off the nearest bridge.

The fat, striped tabby cat purring around my ankles and the knowledge that tomorrow I will ride on the best horse in the state of South Carolina.

Sometimes you can't think of all the crap in the world or the canned pop culture world on tv because dusty, worn reality outshines the glitter of hollywood.

Corny? Oh yes. But true nonetheless.

Denver is really not good at subtle hints.. 

You know, I wish I could be this relaxed... 

Sweet

So, after a screed like that, I need to post something a little more upbeat. Let me just say that my life is pretty damn decent at the moment.

L is sitting on the couch, yelling at the football game, and I just got out of a long, hot bath.

Last night we went out with our dear friends and had far too much to drink. We tried out the new restaurant in Anderson, Jax. It's owned by some old friends of mine, who have another successful restaurant in town. It's supposed to be a New Orleans bistro, and sure enough the prices are comparable to what you'd find in N.O. At least in the old N.O. A. kept joking last night that if they wanted the restaurant to be authentic, they needed to pump about 2 feet of water into the place. Crass and insensitive, of course, but then that's A. for you.

And it's true enough that there is crawfish etoufee on the menu. But we were profoundly disappointed with the food. It did not even approach the ghost of the memory of the food we ate in New Orleans. There was no bite, no spice. The crawfish tasted fishy. And the crab bisque was clearly Campbell's tomato soup with a dollop of cream and a few pieces of crabmeat dropped in the middle so they wouldn't be lying when they called it crab bisque.

I hate to be harsh because it's my friends who own the place. It's a beautiful restaurant, with an awesome atmosphere. It's just that the food sucks. Hopefully given time they will realize this and fix it. Stranger things have happened.

We went from there to the Arts Center to see a photography exhibition, which was pretty nice. The artists were local physicians, and some of the photography was surprisingly good. There were a few pieces that I would have liked to have, but as you can imagine, they were quite pricey for digital photographs.

Then we went to Sullivan's for martinis and talked until far too late. When we finally made it home, we went to bed, but not to sleep, since as I said I'd had quite a bit to drink. I'm afraid I was a bit bossy. I didn't let him do anything but be there and enjoy himself, which he seemed to do.

This morning I went shopping for birthday presents for a certain soon-to-be 15-year-old (my god, my god, I am getting old!) and her mother, my sister, the Princess of the World. Their birthdays are 2 weeks apart, and coming up fast.

L mowed the grass and I laid in the hammock and watched him while pretending to read a book. God, that man has great legs. I took a nap on the couch and ended up sleeping for 3 hours. When I woke up, L was gone. Turns out he was grocery shopping. We ate rotesserie chicken and salad for dinner, and then I headed to the bath for more reading and a long soak..

I brushed the dogs today also, which they seemed to like. But then they like any kind of attention. Denver discovered the cat's new toy as well. This toy is now the favorite of both cat and dogs now. It's one of those plastic rings with the ball inside that goes around and around. The cat sticks his paws between the plastic pieces and swats the ball, trying to get it out. The dog has his own variation of this game, in which he uses his tongue to swat the ball. It is absolutely hilarious. Even more hilarious will be the cat's reaction the next time he goes to play with the toy and smells all of the dog slobber. Heh. I love those three.. they're like my own private comedy show.

Overall, a very good day, now adequately blogged. I feel a major league couch snuggling fit coming on, and there seems to be a lull in the football game action. Maybe I could sneak up...

I am beginning to think like my cat.

The Biggest Ahole on the Block, Foshizzle

I read and article today on contactmusic.com that just ticked me off. Actually, I found the article through a link on fark.com, which is one of my all time favorite sites on the web. It's full of strange news and general hilarity. But anyway..

This article is on the vociferous celebrity known as Kanye West. Now until recent days, I had no opinion on Mr. West. I am not generally a fan of his music. After his outburst at the awards show, I thought he was rather immature and just another brainless Bush-basher like the rest. But this really takes the cake and proves what a racist asshole he is.

Before I get to the article though, let me pause just a moment to say that blaming Bush for everything bad that happens in this country, including the weather, is like a pimply little bagboy at the local grocery store hating and blaming the CEO of the company that owns the grocery store chain because somebody farted and stunk up the break room. Can I leave it at that? I think I can.

So. Here's the little gem that pissed me off and started this rant. It's titled "West Reveals Racial Lines in Slang Use." As if Kanye West has some mystical knowledge that he is stepping down from his gaudy rapper-throne to reveal to us slavering masses. As if anybody gives a good goddam about the sanctity of slang. Blargh!

The opening line of the article:
"Hip-Hop star Kanye West is advising his white counterparts that they can only use certain slang terms when they're out of style for black people." He's advising now. Not to mention blatantly racist. Don't think so? How about this: "Country music star Kenny Chesney is advising his black counterparts that they can only use certain slang terms when they're out of style for white people." Would you call that racist? Erm, YES. But oh I almost forgot, it's not racist when someone from a non-white ethnicity does it, only when a white person does. My mistake.

Ignore that grinding sound. It's just my teeth contemplating one of my pet peeves.

Moving right along.. a quote from our new overlord, the Director of the Ministry on Slang Enforcement himself:

"Actually, I do not think that (white people) are allowed to use slang until it is at least a year old. If you say a slang word too early, it's like you're trying to be black. So as long as the slang is a little played out, you're all good."

Hm. Kanye West doesn't care about white people. Whine, whine sniffle.

First of all, who the hell does this guy think he is, telling an entire ethnic group what they can and cannot say? If he doesn't want people using certain words, then perhaps he and his esteemed colleagues should stop using those words in their songs, which fans listen to and emulate. Many of those fans are white, and their money spends just as well as the money from black fans.

Kanye West needs to get over himself. With statements like this and his tirade about the President, he is showing the world what a small minded little racist he is. I sincerely hope his 15 minutes of fame are fleeting.

*pop*...aim.. FIRE!

You are wondering about the title. I can tell.

It refers to random thoughts that pop into my head for no apparent reason. Like just now. I got out of the shower, put on my usual evening garb (extra thick giant socks, one of his shirts, a towel on my head) and was standing at the bathroom sink washing my face when *pop* goes a scene from the past.. one that I had forgotten for a long time.

My ex-husband. The first time.

OH MY GOD! SHOOT IT! KILL THAT THOUGHT BEFORE IT CRAPS OUT MORE LIKE IT!

Sorry. That got out of control for just a minute. Heh.

He was the stud in high school. I thought that he would never look at me, that he was in that clique and I was not. I was several castes lower in the system. In the food chain of high school, he was the lion and I was.. a scavenging bird of some type. The point being that they both eat the same thing, they just don't admit it.

I don't know why that should suddenly pop into my head. I mean, it's not like it was particularly memorable. And even then there were serious issues with the relationship. But I'm being cerebral. The fact is that I was still a hormonal adolescent, even at 21. I was a late bloomer or something. I got caught up in the fact that this guy, the high school don juan, wanted me.

It didn't occur to me that high school was over and he was a day late and a dollar short. Lucky for him I wasn't thinking. And I wasn't picky either.

Fast forward to this moment. I don't know why I am even talking about this at all. For some reason the memory floored me for a second. Like.. I had forgotten. And then, I can't believe that I forgot that. Or that I remembered it now, of all times. And then I got to thinking about how far things deteriorated on the journey from "boy meets girl" to "hit the road, jack."

Which leads me to.. this unbelievable injustice parents do to their children by not letting them be normal teens. This is not to say that I would hand a teenage girl a case of condoms and point her toward the hockey team. I'm just saying that my mother did me no favors.

She did her best to make us terrified of sex, or else profoundly grossed out by it and our bodies. And we weren't allowed out of the house. We had to be outcasts as much as she could force us to be, and we weren't allowed to date. Furthermore, if we did manage to carry on some sort of relationship over the phone and via notes in class or at church, she had to know every detail, and several times stepped in and talked to my "boyfriends" without my consent. Is it any wonder we fell for the first idiot guys to come along? Not to mention the second, and the third and.. well you get the picture.

Once you get out from under a pressing weight like we were raised under, not only do you go nuts, but you also have no idea what the hell is going on. It's not a safe place to be. I am amazed that I survived.

Yeah. That thought needs to be put out of its misery. Bleh.

I am sure I can find something more pleasant to think about around here.. ;)

Operating at 60% Capacity..

I'm back on the job, y'all. Everybody can go back to normal. :)
I am feeling better, though I am still sniffling and coughing and tonight I had a scary episode of being unable to breathe. But I recovered and had a nice hot shower, and now I feel better than I have felt since.. at least last week.

There is something about being squeaky clean, slathered with lotion (mmm, cinnamon!) and decked out in big fat wool socks and L's shirt, which hangs to my knees. I feel very.. comfy.

Of course, there is another reason to smile today. A new work schedule was approved today, meaning that starting in October, I get Fridays off. Yeah, you heard right. I will work long days on Monday through Thursday and have Fridays all to myself. Every weekend will be a long weekend!

So.. today I am feeling better, and I find out I get Fridays off, and we had steak for dinner. This is a pretty good day, I think, respiratory illness notwithstanding. The weather is nice too. But I think I need to be snuggled on the couch with the world's best boyfriend, and not sitting here blogging.

Another day out of work with this creeping crud. The antibiotics seem to be helping, so at least there's an end in sight. It has been a long time since anything has sidelined me for four whole days, though. Especially if two of them were work days. Tomorrow I will be back at it, armed with DayQuil and OJ.

Today was a haze of sleeping and waking and sleeping again, news reports mixing with dreams to make a weird gray fog. I have sniffled and coughed and dosed up until it has all run together and I am thoroughly tired of being sick. L went out for a little while today, and bought a dog whistle, which he has been trying to calibrate. It is certainly not, as the packaging claims, silent in any sense of the word. The dogs endure and ignore it. You can almost see them saying one to the other, "keep a stiff upper lip, old boy."

We just watched another of the hour-long "specials" on the New Orleans disaster.. It's unbelievable what has happened there. And unbelievable how some people feel the need to politicize and sensationalize the dispair of others. What happened in New Orleans was a disaster, plain and simple. Disasters happen. They are catastrophic. They are unpredictable. It is idiocy to try and blame them on anyone, especially on the President of the United States.

If anyone wants to lay blame, here's where it belongs. First, Mayor Nagin should have done more to get the word out and to evacuate his city before the storm hit. Second, the governor should have called for Federal assistance immediately, which she did not do. I have read several different reports stating that she refused Federal assistance in the first 24 hours after the disaster. The Feds can't just come marching in, even in this day and age. The proper channels must be used.

FEMA's response was a joke, and there is a major problem there. Brown, the FEMA leader seems ineffectual. Let General Honore be in charge of FEMA.. he'd do a much better job. Sometimes people just want to hear the truth, and in cases of disasters like this the truth is important whether it sounds pretty or not.

I've heard people try to make this a race issue, a political issue, a class issue.. and I'm not saying that those issues can't be questioned. I do think that now is not the time. Not while people are still sloshing around in that filthy muck trying to find survivors. Not while coffins are floating down the street and children and separated from their parents. I've heard people say that God was punishing New Orleans; I don't think I've ever heard a less educated or more bigoted opinion than that. If God were still in the punishment business, why hasn't he hit Vegas? And let's not forget that New Orleans has a ton of churches.. and that it 's been there for 300 years. Mustn't forget that. Pfft!

A few heroes have come out of this, though. I didn't expect some of the celebrity response. Sean Penn basically made an ass of himself, taking his camera crew along to photograph him playing hero, forgetting to plug his boat. I'm not even going to approach the subject of Kanye West. But Harry Connick.. wow. The footage of him taking the shirt off his back to give to an old man he found and rescued.. That was really something. I am profoundly impressed with Mr. Connick for being a real person and not a camera-courting celebrity snot. I am sure that he has more than one new fan today, and rightly so.

I still can't get over the devastation. I keep seeing places where I have been, there on the news, windows broken, floors covered with mud. I saw footage of Cafe Du Monde, swept as clean as can be, all of the tables gone. I didn't see Joanie on her Pony, but Jackson Square seemed to be all right, as did the cathedral. It's also heartening to see Johnny White's still open. Still. Now that's tenacity, folks. That's what makes me certain that there will be a Mardi Gras in New Orleans again. There will be another Jazz Fest.

Watching the (Boyfriend Watch the) Game

This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. My normally semi-quiet, well mannered boyfriend has turned into a jumping, shouting football fiend! I don't think I've ever heard him raise his voice in the year and several months we have been dating, except momentarily during last year's Miami-FSU game-watching party at the sports bar. And he was very, very, very intoxicated on that occasion.

Tonight he is sitting on the couch, leaning forward, intent on the players running up and down the wide-screen. He put the dogs to bed early because they kept standing in front of the tv. There is no hope of my usual evening TV pastime of snuggling up to his chest and going to sleep. Every time FSU gets the ball, he erupts! He springs to his feet! "Go! Go! GO!!!"

And every time Miami does something he says "Aw MAN!" and sits back down again. My cat is itching to get close to him, however. He curls up on the down blanket and pretends to be harmlessly asleep, but each time I look at him, he is an inch or two closer to L. Eventually he will try for his lap, only to be surprised by an FSU touchdown. I can just picture the poor Monster flying through the air when L leaps from the couch with a 110-decibel war cry. GO NOLES!!!

Reooowwwrrrr!

Earlier today when we were standing in the kitchen, the Monster was doing the double figure eight between our legs, purring and slashing his tail at our knees. Our doorbell rang twice.. both times it was neighborhood kids selling fundraiser stuff for school. Of course L bought something. Such a cute little trio of little blonde third graders. I don't know of anyone who could've resisted a sales pitch like that. And there's a little black and white cat that has been hanging about outside. I fed it today, which means I now have another friend for life.

Ah well, I philosophize, there are worse things.

Not Much Like a Holiday..

Today does not feel like a holiday to me. Never mind that we didn't get the day off from work. I am also still sick, so I have the day off, whether I want it or not. L is sick also, and is going to forgo his planned trip to watch the FSU game at the local sports bar. That's when you know he isn't feeling well; this man loves football!

I believe we will be watching the game at home tonight, sniffling and coughing to ourselves. I don't think he is sick enough to forgo the game watching altogether.. He is feeling better than I am. But, going on 3 days in the house, I am running a little short on things to write about. I tried to call my sister, who is also home sick today, but I couldn't get her on the phone.. I think I am going to lie down again, until I can think of something remotely interesting to write about.

News from the Medicinally Addled

I took NyQuil last night. That stuff knocks me on my ass every time. I am, for sure, violently ill. The last thing I ate was lunch yesterday, and that's definitely not like me. I have become a bona fide eating machine. It seems in the last few years I have bounced back big from that little eating disorder problem. I think about my grandfather, and that this is the trait I have inherited from him.. mealtimes are the best times of the day.

Of course in his case, food is the only sensual pleasure he is or has ever been allowed, so he takes it seriously. Maybe a little too seriously for his health. I have lots of other outlets for the sensual in life.. music, art, sex. So food doesn't have to be primary. I really think that my metabolism has taken a nosedive though. I think it just gave up finally after fighting the good fight for so many years. One can't really blame it. It's got to be a hard job.

Anyway, back to the point, I skipped dinner and breakfast. My hands are sweating. My cat thinks there is something wrong with me as well, because he keeps latching his whole body around my foot and biting my heel, kicking at my toes with his hind feet. I hope that I am feeling better by tomorrow morning.. I'd hate to miss work, especially with the big meeting on Tuesday to present my database project to the powers that be. But if I'm still feeling like this tomorrow, I may be driving to the doctor's office instead. Again. Dang it.

Cough Sniffle Hack Hack Wheeze

It's one of those times of year again, apparently. Every time the season starts to change, I get violently ill. Right now the weather is mild and beautiful and I am sicker than the proverbial dog. The inside of my head hurts. My eyes itch and burn. I am drowning in snot.

Ahem. No one wants to read about that.

So we made a little trip to Wal Mart (the outer rim of hell, for those of you from some alternate universe who don't know that) to get some allergy medicine. Our cashier's name was Katrina. She was not, however, hurricane-like in any way. Apparently she has gotten quite a bit of hell from the general Wal Mart clientele. While we were there, we heard a woman shouting at her child; we could tell she was upset with her child by her tone of voice, but even I, who was born and raised right here in the South could not understand what she was saying at first.

"Geh uh awf uhr thayut flawur naaay uh!"

L inclined his head slightly, those eyebrows rising above his glasses. "Is that even English?" To tell the truth I wasn't sure. It played through my head the whole time we were in Wal Mart, even when we passed a knot of people and buggies that had stopped in the middle of the aisle like some sort of tattooed, obese flotilla in the midst of Lake Rollback. Apparently this was some sort of reunion of family members who hadn't seen each other in a while. They said "fuck" every other word. And still I kept thinking.. "Geh uh awf uhr thayut flawur naaay uh!"

Geh uh... hmmm..awf uhr thayut....hummmmm

Get. Get up. Okay, I get it. Get up off of that floor, now. It was English. ... Sort of. Somewhere in the back of my head is the uneasy thought that something isn't right. The South has always had its drawl. I've been accused of having it myself. But that's.. not.. right. We're much stupider than we used to be, folks, and not just in the South.

I took two of those orange, candy-like gelcaps and now I feel like I've slipped into some sort of alternate reality. I still don't really feel like doing anything except staring. L and I took a nice nap on the couch with a down blanket and the Monster sleeping on my back. We were a happy (if sniffling) little heap. Ah, domestic bliss.

I feel like going back to sleep. He's talking about dinner now, but I think I will pass. The medicine and Wal Mart have taken my appetite clean away. Dahlin.