*pop*...aim.. FIRE!

You are wondering about the title. I can tell.

It refers to random thoughts that pop into my head for no apparent reason. Like just now. I got out of the shower, put on my usual evening garb (extra thick giant socks, one of his shirts, a towel on my head) and was standing at the bathroom sink washing my face when *pop* goes a scene from the past.. one that I had forgotten for a long time.

My ex-husband. The first time.

OH MY GOD! SHOOT IT! KILL THAT THOUGHT BEFORE IT CRAPS OUT MORE LIKE IT!

Sorry. That got out of control for just a minute. Heh.

He was the stud in high school. I thought that he would never look at me, that he was in that clique and I was not. I was several castes lower in the system. In the food chain of high school, he was the lion and I was.. a scavenging bird of some type. The point being that they both eat the same thing, they just don't admit it.

I don't know why that should suddenly pop into my head. I mean, it's not like it was particularly memorable. And even then there were serious issues with the relationship. But I'm being cerebral. The fact is that I was still a hormonal adolescent, even at 21. I was a late bloomer or something. I got caught up in the fact that this guy, the high school don juan, wanted me.

It didn't occur to me that high school was over and he was a day late and a dollar short. Lucky for him I wasn't thinking. And I wasn't picky either.

Fast forward to this moment. I don't know why I am even talking about this at all. For some reason the memory floored me for a second. Like.. I had forgotten. And then, I can't believe that I forgot that. Or that I remembered it now, of all times. And then I got to thinking about how far things deteriorated on the journey from "boy meets girl" to "hit the road, jack."

Which leads me to.. this unbelievable injustice parents do to their children by not letting them be normal teens. This is not to say that I would hand a teenage girl a case of condoms and point her toward the hockey team. I'm just saying that my mother did me no favors.

She did her best to make us terrified of sex, or else profoundly grossed out by it and our bodies. And we weren't allowed out of the house. We had to be outcasts as much as she could force us to be, and we weren't allowed to date. Furthermore, if we did manage to carry on some sort of relationship over the phone and via notes in class or at church, she had to know every detail, and several times stepped in and talked to my "boyfriends" without my consent. Is it any wonder we fell for the first idiot guys to come along? Not to mention the second, and the third and.. well you get the picture.

Once you get out from under a pressing weight like we were raised under, not only do you go nuts, but you also have no idea what the hell is going on. It's not a safe place to be. I am amazed that I survived.

Yeah. That thought needs to be put out of its misery. Bleh.

I am sure I can find something more pleasant to think about around here.. ;)