My Own Mistakes

I hate unexplained bad moods. I'm all wired up, and ill with the world for some reason. I am just generally cranky. The best thing to do on days like this is either a) go to sleep and hope tomorrow is better, or b) change directions completely and do something different with my day.

So I am trying to think about something different, change channels in my mind. It's hard to concentrate on much of anything with this "Weight Limit Exceeded" red light blinking, but I do what I can. I ran this morning, and ate nothing until almost 3:00, which is not a good thing, I know. But I ended up scarfing a bleu cheese burger (my favorite!) and fries at Arizona Steakhouse for lunch. I have lost a pound, though, so.. only 4 more before my first Victoria's Secret trip. And only 14 more until the VIctoria's Secret Shopping Extravaganza.

But I keep thinking.. I keep catching myself sliding back into old familliar patterns. Things like assuming I know what he's thinking, like getting angry with him beacause of what I assume about him. I should know, even subconsciously, that he is not the same person as the gigantic infant I was married to. I guess I rolled along for so long in that rut that the tires just go there because they know it.. it's familliar and comfortable, as perverse as that sounds.

I got used to being the mature one in the relationship, and being the one who took care of things. I got used to having to re-do everything J did attempt to do because J screwed it up or didn't finish what he started. I got used to being violently resentful of every night that went by that he didn't touch me. And I don't have to do that with L. I can't do that with L. Unless of course I want to turn into a sour, unfulfilled old bitch who can't get a date and runs off all of her friends with her look-what-a-capable-martyr-I-am attitude.

I have seen that first hand, and if that's where I'm destined to end up, I'll just check out now, thanks just the same. Somehow I need to get the two sides of me on the same train. I need to kick J out of my head, slam the damn door, and nail that fucker shut. It's done. It's over with, and no amount of thinking about it is going to change anything that happened or didn't happen. The only things I can change are the things that are happening right now. I have got to stop letting my past with J color my future with L.

It is so incredibly stupid for me to even try and compare the two. It's like comparing apples and tire irons. Doesn't make sense.

But you know what? I feel better now. Putting it down in type makes it look every bit as stupid as it is. Embarrassing? Yeah. Necessary? Probably. So ok. The channel has been changed. Time to go fold the laundry.