The End of the Beginning

Last night I had a long conversation with a dear friend of mine, and I've really been thinking about it all night. Needless to say I did not sleep well.

So here's what happened. Earlier this weekend, he found a whole sheaf of emails from his wife (also a friend of mine) to another man. This is obviously and unquestionably an affair, but she is denying it, telling him it was just an inside joke. I'm sorry, but nobody jokes that way. "I miss you and I can't wait to see you again" and "I wish you were here with me tonight" are not statements you make to someone of the opposite sex as a joke. Neither are statements like "Tonight was awesome" and "This is a dream come true."

He has confronted her with it, and some sort of fight started in which she tried to kick his nuts in and called the police on him for domestic violence, even though he says he never even tried to defend himself. I feel so sad for him because I know where he's at right now. I know how bad it hurts when someone you love not only doesn't love you back, but also rubs your face in it.

He's a pretty intense guy, too, which could make the situation immensely nastier in the end, because he's copied God and everybody on all of those emails, and he's read them probably a million times. I asked him last night when he was going to stop torturing himself with them. I know I would never have wanted a blow-by-blow of my ex-husband's exploits. Just knowing about it in a vague sense tore me apart.

I am so disappointed by this. I really wanted them to be able to work it out. He loves her so much.. And she hasn't a clue what she has, or how many other women would love to have someone like him in their lives, or how rare it is to have someone love you like that. But the things that turn her head are ambition and money, neither of which M has.

I just can't believe that she'd do something like this. I really did admire her. She was involved in the church, singing in the choir, going to bible studies, seeming to really try to be a good person. I thought she had a handle on what's right and wrong. I thought she was strong and had some integrity. And she didn't even have the decency to leave him before she started a relationship with another man. After 12 years, I think she'd at least owe him that.

But hell, I know it's none of my business. I certainly don't want to get dragged into it. It's volatile enough already. He did say last night that she had told another friend of theirs that she had emails from him to me saying that he loved me. The funny thing there is that I imagine she does have. He wrote me an email a month or so ago thanking me for trying to help them, and for my friendship. I thought it was a very nice email, and I responded that I loved him and H too, and that I would never forget the way they helped me get through the divorce.

The idea that she'd even bring that up in this context makes me sick. Maybe it's righteous indignation, and maybe it's something else, but that's one of those things that takes you aback and makes you want to stay as far distant from it as possible. I might have my shortcomings and I'm certainly not even remotely near perfect, but one thing I can say with no doubt: I would never cheat on anyone.

Hell, J deserved to be cheated on, and I still couldn't do it. I don't know what might be going through her head, but I won't be dragged into this. I just hope I can keep my friends through this. I hate situations like this. :(