There is too much water in New Orleans, and not enough food. There are too many people dead in Mississippi and Alabama and Louisiana and FLorida, and not enough safety for anyone. It gives me a sick feeling to think about the wonderful places I visited a short few months ago.. places that are now under contaminated water.
There is too much noise in my life, and not enough down time. There are too many situations pulling me in too many different directions, and not enough of me to go around. My family is too demanding, and so I spend too little time with them. I feel too guilty to stay in touch the way I know I should, and the way I really want to. There's just not enough time, and not enough of me to do it all.
There's too much daytime and not enough night.
And Lord Jesus, there's too many miles to travel and not enough gas. My business trip for tomorrow got cancelled because there is not enough gas left in South Carolina for us to be assured of getting there and getting back. My boss called the sherriff's department and was told that we should stay put and not travel, that there was no more gas in Blackville SC than there is in Pickens, and there is no gas in Pickens.
I went to the station today on my way in to work, and had to wait in line for a pump. The station was conveniently out of regular unleaded, forcing all of us to buy premium. I started pumping at 2.60 per gallon, but they stopped the pumps when I was midway through to change the price. I got the rest of the tank for 2.75 per gallon. By the time I got to work, I was seeing stations with signs at 3.09 a gallon for regular unleaded. Of course no one has the regular unleaded, and Premium is now 3.19 a gallon.
I have a 54 mile commute to work, one way.
And there's another tropical depression brewing out there. Frikkin great.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Short List
It's time for a list of things I am thinking about right now, since I can't seem to begin any decent sort of narrative.
1) I feel like I am wrapped in 30 pounds of bologna. If not bologna, then something equally heavy and unattractive. It's not that I think other people think my ass looks like a runaway Buick. No one has commented on this to date. It's just that I feel that way. But I did run today. And I will run tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Until I can run that 5K, and then the half marathon in January. And then the Dublin Marathon in October 06. And I guarantee that by then I will not feel like this and all my clothes will be comfortably almost-too-big again.
2) Despite my discontent with the state of my body, I am quite content with someone else's. Should I leave it at that? Suffice it to say that I am more than satisfied. Not to mention that he cooked dinner again tonight and yesterday he washed my car. And he lets me use him as a pillow while he watches TV. And he is fun to talk to and make plans with, and he keeps the bed warm. He's the best boyfriend ever.
3) My dog died. My mother called last night to tell me. No one knows why. She just sat down and died. but then none of us has any idea how old she was. My mother did bury her in the Land Rover collar I bought her years ago. I imagine that the leash still sits downstairs, gathering dust like it has ever since I had to take the dog back to my mom's house.
So it's a short list.
1) I feel like I am wrapped in 30 pounds of bologna. If not bologna, then something equally heavy and unattractive. It's not that I think other people think my ass looks like a runaway Buick. No one has commented on this to date. It's just that I feel that way. But I did run today. And I will run tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Until I can run that 5K, and then the half marathon in January. And then the Dublin Marathon in October 06. And I guarantee that by then I will not feel like this and all my clothes will be comfortably almost-too-big again.
2) Despite my discontent with the state of my body, I am quite content with someone else's. Should I leave it at that? Suffice it to say that I am more than satisfied. Not to mention that he cooked dinner again tonight and yesterday he washed my car. And he lets me use him as a pillow while he watches TV. And he is fun to talk to and make plans with, and he keeps the bed warm. He's the best boyfriend ever.
3) My dog died. My mother called last night to tell me. No one knows why. She just sat down and died. but then none of us has any idea how old she was. My mother did bury her in the Land Rover collar I bought her years ago. I imagine that the leash still sits downstairs, gathering dust like it has ever since I had to take the dog back to my mom's house.
So it's a short list.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Today I had Planned
I was going to take some pictures today of the house, various bits of domestic bliss, etc, but it didn't happen. I got sidetracked playing with the boyfriend's floor scrubbing apparatus, and ended up claening all the floors in the house. I don't mind cleaning so much when I don't have to do it all the time, and when you can see an obvious difference when you get finished. He mowed the grass and fed his roses, and we walked down the street to a yard sale that the neighbors were having.
We went to lunch and had huge burgers with french fries. Not exactly what I should be eating if I plan to lose weight, but then I haven't really exercised today either. We then went grocery shopping. I have the new O Magazine. It's usually pretty good. I like it much more than Cosmo or the other fashion magazines that are pretty much big glossy ads and articles that make your IQ plummet on contact. Either that or they make you feel more hopelessly fat than you ever could on your own.
We are heading out for a night of drinks and laughing with our friends... so maybe tomorrow's blog will be more interesting.
We went to lunch and had huge burgers with french fries. Not exactly what I should be eating if I plan to lose weight, but then I haven't really exercised today either. We then went grocery shopping. I have the new O Magazine. It's usually pretty good. I like it much more than Cosmo or the other fashion magazines that are pretty much big glossy ads and articles that make your IQ plummet on contact. Either that or they make you feel more hopelessly fat than you ever could on your own.
We are heading out for a night of drinks and laughing with our friends... so maybe tomorrow's blog will be more interesting.
Friday, August 26, 2005
How Long Before Today is Over?
I have had a rough week. That's all there is to it. Last night was the first time I have slept well since the middle of last week, and even last night I didn't get to bed soon enough and I had to get out of bed well before I was ready.
My coffee was exceptionally good this morning, however. Too bad I drank it all and now I'm at work where there is no coffee at the moment.
Last night we went to L's FSU Club meeting. It was held in a very old, very pink house. There were tons of shrimp and crab legs and red wine, and needless to say I ate quite a bit. This morning I am starving, though, and definitely ready for a nap.
My coffee was exceptionally good this morning, however. Too bad I drank it all and now I'm at work where there is no coffee at the moment.
Last night we went to L's FSU Club meeting. It was held in a very old, very pink house. There were tons of shrimp and crab legs and red wine, and needless to say I ate quite a bit. This morning I am starving, though, and definitely ready for a nap.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
I Said The Wrong Thing
Obviously I said something I shouldn't have.. like the word m-o-r-t-g-a-g-e. The spam bots picked me up like nobody's business yesterday. 9 comments?? I knew something was up. I don't even have 9 readers! Sheesh. Now watch me get spammed again!
I have to do something about work. I love the job, and it is not the problem. The problem is that I can't seem to focus or get anything done. I try to look at it objectively and say that I haven't missed any deadlines (yet) and that no one is unhappy with my performance, except myself, of course. But it feels like pulling teeth to even get one task accomplished anymore. There is always something (or more than one something) there to distract me. I get so frustrated because I miss things and make stupid mistakes!
And I am going to accept that this is not my week. I went to lunch today with my colleagues, at a little place right down the road from the office. We eat there a good bit. But today.. never have I been so shocked by the blatant stupidity of the wait staff at a restaurant.
I ordered a ham and pineapple 7-inch pizza.. standard fare at this place. We get it every time we go. It's not like I asked for something complicated or different in any way. I just have to stress that. So the pizza comes, and it has mushrooms on it. I don't eat mushrooms as a general rule, because the texture of them in my mouth makes me gag. I can't help it. I really actually don't mind the flavor.. it's the way they feel going down. I have the same reaction to raw tomatoes and oysters of any variety.
Anyway, I tell the waiter that I didn't order mushrooms. He looks at me like, "so? what do you want me to do about it?" He squits at the ticket to see if somehow the word "mushrooms" had magically appeared next to my seat number. Nope. So I hand him my plate and say "I can't eat this. I'm sorry, but there is a reason why I never order mushrooms." For all he knew, I could have been violently allergic. Lucky as hell I am not, because he waited about 10 minutes and brought back...
...wait for it...
..the exact same pizza. He had obviously tried to pick the mushrooms off, but was unsuccessful, as they were underneath the cheese as well. In addition, he left visible fingerprints. But here's the real kicker. He stood at the counter and performed this operation in sight of the entire restaurant, without washing his hands.
I looked at my boss and bit my tongue so hard it now has a permanent groove. After 10 years or so in the restaurant industry myself, I was ready to rip him a new bodily orifice right then and there. I refrained, and waited another 15 minutes for a new pizza, which I was then charged for, in addition to being the object of this particular waiter's bitter glares for the rest of our meal.
I swear. Every day is another adventure.
L will be home tonight, at least. He should be rolling in around midnight. It's about time.
I have to do something about work. I love the job, and it is not the problem. The problem is that I can't seem to focus or get anything done. I try to look at it objectively and say that I haven't missed any deadlines (yet) and that no one is unhappy with my performance, except myself, of course. But it feels like pulling teeth to even get one task accomplished anymore. There is always something (or more than one something) there to distract me. I get so frustrated because I miss things and make stupid mistakes!
And I am going to accept that this is not my week. I went to lunch today with my colleagues, at a little place right down the road from the office. We eat there a good bit. But today.. never have I been so shocked by the blatant stupidity of the wait staff at a restaurant.
I ordered a ham and pineapple 7-inch pizza.. standard fare at this place. We get it every time we go. It's not like I asked for something complicated or different in any way. I just have to stress that. So the pizza comes, and it has mushrooms on it. I don't eat mushrooms as a general rule, because the texture of them in my mouth makes me gag. I can't help it. I really actually don't mind the flavor.. it's the way they feel going down. I have the same reaction to raw tomatoes and oysters of any variety.
Anyway, I tell the waiter that I didn't order mushrooms. He looks at me like, "so? what do you want me to do about it?" He squits at the ticket to see if somehow the word "mushrooms" had magically appeared next to my seat number. Nope. So I hand him my plate and say "I can't eat this. I'm sorry, but there is a reason why I never order mushrooms." For all he knew, I could have been violently allergic. Lucky as hell I am not, because he waited about 10 minutes and brought back...
...wait for it...
..the exact same pizza. He had obviously tried to pick the mushrooms off, but was unsuccessful, as they were underneath the cheese as well. In addition, he left visible fingerprints. But here's the real kicker. He stood at the counter and performed this operation in sight of the entire restaurant, without washing his hands.
I looked at my boss and bit my tongue so hard it now has a permanent groove. After 10 years or so in the restaurant industry myself, I was ready to rip him a new bodily orifice right then and there. I refrained, and waited another 15 minutes for a new pizza, which I was then charged for, in addition to being the object of this particular waiter's bitter glares for the rest of our meal.
I swear. Every day is another adventure.
L will be home tonight, at least. He should be rolling in around midnight. It's about time.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Backing Away Slowly
Every time I try to relax, my phone rings. Everyone seems to want or need something from me, even if it's just to scream in my ear for an hour or two.
Today while trying to work, I talked to both parties in what's shaping up to be a train wreck of a divorce. I went to lunch with their roommate, who is trying to deal with the fact that he has to live there and deal with the war that's going on.
After lunch my sister called about my niece and her case of potty mouth that has scored her a double detention. How to punish that? Jeez, I don't know. Kids repeat what they hear, no matter how old they are or where they hear it. And she only does it because she thinks it makes her cool in the eyes of the other kids. I did it too. I was much older before I realized that saying "fuck" every other word (not to mention saying "Jesus" too loudly.. I do live in the bible belt) only made me look like trailer trash.
Smart, successful women do not talk that way, after all. She'll realize that when she's older.
This is not to say that she shouldn't be read the riot act for saying "Jesus f-ing Christ" in front of her Spanish class. I just don't think I'd burn the house down over it.
And to top it all off, just as I was managing to focus on work again, my ex husband calls, telling me that he needs my financial information to send to the mortgage company. As if I am going to give him that. We are divorced and I am not responsible for his mortgage anymore. He even asked me to fill out the forms. He is the most helpless man I have ever met in my life. I can't imagine what ever made me think he was attractive in any way whatsoever.
So then M calls me on my drive home from work. He calls again as I am sitting down to dinner and talks for the better part of an hour. I will have to reimburse work for every one of those minutes. Not to mention that I sat there and watched my dinner congeal. But it's my own fault. I could have not answered the phone. I just have a thing about responding when people need me.
It's just that sometimes I get really pissed off because when I need to talk, people are miraculously unavailable.
Damn I wish L were home. No matter what, it is always possible to relax in his presence. Whether it's lying against his chest while he watches TV on the couch or reading books in bed before we go to sleep.. he always has that sense of quiet around him that makes me feel centered and not so much like an order of hash browns gone bad. (You guessed it.. I thought the word "scattered" again and the metaphor was unavoidable. Apologies!)
Hopefully he will be here tomorrow..
Today while trying to work, I talked to both parties in what's shaping up to be a train wreck of a divorce. I went to lunch with their roommate, who is trying to deal with the fact that he has to live there and deal with the war that's going on.
After lunch my sister called about my niece and her case of potty mouth that has scored her a double detention. How to punish that? Jeez, I don't know. Kids repeat what they hear, no matter how old they are or where they hear it. And she only does it because she thinks it makes her cool in the eyes of the other kids. I did it too. I was much older before I realized that saying "fuck" every other word (not to mention saying "Jesus" too loudly.. I do live in the bible belt) only made me look like trailer trash.
Smart, successful women do not talk that way, after all. She'll realize that when she's older.
This is not to say that she shouldn't be read the riot act for saying "Jesus f-ing Christ" in front of her Spanish class. I just don't think I'd burn the house down over it.
And to top it all off, just as I was managing to focus on work again, my ex husband calls, telling me that he needs my financial information to send to the mortgage company. As if I am going to give him that. We are divorced and I am not responsible for his mortgage anymore. He even asked me to fill out the forms. He is the most helpless man I have ever met in my life. I can't imagine what ever made me think he was attractive in any way whatsoever.
So then M calls me on my drive home from work. He calls again as I am sitting down to dinner and talks for the better part of an hour. I will have to reimburse work for every one of those minutes. Not to mention that I sat there and watched my dinner congeal. But it's my own fault. I could have not answered the phone. I just have a thing about responding when people need me.
It's just that sometimes I get really pissed off because when I need to talk, people are miraculously unavailable.
Damn I wish L were home. No matter what, it is always possible to relax in his presence. Whether it's lying against his chest while he watches TV on the couch or reading books in bed before we go to sleep.. he always has that sense of quiet around him that makes me feel centered and not so much like an order of hash browns gone bad. (You guessed it.. I thought the word "scattered" again and the metaphor was unavoidable. Apologies!)
Hopefully he will be here tomorrow..
Monday, August 22, 2005
And on a Lighter Note..
After all that talk about a nasty situation, I need something else, something lighter to cleanse the palate, so to speak. How about the fact that L's dogs escaped today? I went out to feed them only to find that I had inadvertently locked myself out of the house from the back. The front door was open, but to get there I had to go out the side gate.
Well apparently the side gate didn't get latched securely enough because the next thing I know when I go out to put the dogs in their crates, they have disappeared and the gate is hanging open. Of course Denver, the big red dog came bounding right back to me, his tail wagging in complete circles, tongue lolling in a big mischevous doggy grin. It was Barnie who decided to be evil.
The more I called him, the faster he ran. I chased him all the way through the neighborhood, terrified that he would be hit by a car or something. Finally a kid caught him for me after we cornered him in someone else's yard.
Now they are in their crates and Monster is inside, sitting primly on L's desk washing his paws. He is not overly fond of his condo, but I don't think he hates it either. At least there's that.
Well apparently the side gate didn't get latched securely enough because the next thing I know when I go out to put the dogs in their crates, they have disappeared and the gate is hanging open. Of course Denver, the big red dog came bounding right back to me, his tail wagging in complete circles, tongue lolling in a big mischevous doggy grin. It was Barnie who decided to be evil.
The more I called him, the faster he ran. I chased him all the way through the neighborhood, terrified that he would be hit by a car or something. Finally a kid caught him for me after we cornered him in someone else's yard.
Now they are in their crates and Monster is inside, sitting primly on L's desk washing his paws. He is not overly fond of his condo, but I don't think he hates it either. At least there's that.
Soap Operatic
I am so tired today. I feel like someone has just sucked out all of my energy, like I'm an empty skin that keeps flopping around trying to do things, but can't figure out what the hell it's trying to do. Weird, I know, but that's how this day has been.
This thing with M & H really has me stressed out, for several reasons. First, because I care about them, and second because I'm so shocked and disappointed at what is happening. Third because there seems to be some inclination to drag me into it, and fourth because my own melodrama of a divorce is not too far behind me. Fifth, because I love the horses, especially my Gracie, and the chances of my ever being able to buy her are approaching nil at this point.
I talked to H today, and was pretty much floored at the dizzying range of emotions she exhibited in the course of a 20-minute conversation. She went from normal to sobbing to vindictive and threatening and back to normal in what seemed like unbelievable time. To tell the truth, she really kind of pissed me off. She denies that she did anything at all, and says that M is making it all up, which doesn't really make sense to me. What would be his motive?
But hey, it's really none of my business, right? I am just trying to be a good friend. I do care about her.. but I get the feeling that she doesn't care about anyone but herself. In the next minute she was purring that e-mails could be misconstrued and that she could easily make the case that Mark was having an affair with me because of one email that he wrote to me about a month ago, in which he thanked me for my friendship and for trying to help the two of them.
That crawled right up my ass and camped out, lemme tell you. I don't care how nice he is, or how much we might have in common, the fact that he is married puts him off limits. I don't think I could ever look at him that way, never mind that I am in love with someone else. I have no desire to cheat, on anybody, ever, and she has known me long enough to know that.
She started talking about how she was going to ruin him, make him lose his job, take his invention and make sure he never succeeds in life, and that anyone who didn't try to stop him from telling anyone else about this whole fiasco, she was going to retaliate against. This was a very thinly veiled threat, to which I replied the only way I knew how..
I have already been through hell with my own divorce, and I have no intention of going through yours. Thanks anyway.
She wanted to know whether I had actually seen the emails in question, to which I replied that I don't like to go rubbernecking at car accidents, and it's really the same thing to me. It's ugly and it smells bad and I don't want anything to do with it.
And then suddenly we were back to normal-land, and she was saying that I was welcome to still come ride anytime I wanted. It frankly freaks me out.
After talking to both of them today, I feel scattered and brittle like Waffle House hash browns (I couldn't resist that reference.. when I typed "Scattered" I was already hopelessly committed to a WH metaphor. Sorry. I truly am.) Seriously, I am really more anxious about it than I should be. I know that there is nothing there that involves me, other than the fact that they were there for me, and I am trying to return the favor. I do wish L were home though. I really miss him.
This thing with M & H really has me stressed out, for several reasons. First, because I care about them, and second because I'm so shocked and disappointed at what is happening. Third because there seems to be some inclination to drag me into it, and fourth because my own melodrama of a divorce is not too far behind me. Fifth, because I love the horses, especially my Gracie, and the chances of my ever being able to buy her are approaching nil at this point.
I talked to H today, and was pretty much floored at the dizzying range of emotions she exhibited in the course of a 20-minute conversation. She went from normal to sobbing to vindictive and threatening and back to normal in what seemed like unbelievable time. To tell the truth, she really kind of pissed me off. She denies that she did anything at all, and says that M is making it all up, which doesn't really make sense to me. What would be his motive?
But hey, it's really none of my business, right? I am just trying to be a good friend. I do care about her.. but I get the feeling that she doesn't care about anyone but herself. In the next minute she was purring that e-mails could be misconstrued and that she could easily make the case that Mark was having an affair with me because of one email that he wrote to me about a month ago, in which he thanked me for my friendship and for trying to help the two of them.
That crawled right up my ass and camped out, lemme tell you. I don't care how nice he is, or how much we might have in common, the fact that he is married puts him off limits. I don't think I could ever look at him that way, never mind that I am in love with someone else. I have no desire to cheat, on anybody, ever, and she has known me long enough to know that.
She started talking about how she was going to ruin him, make him lose his job, take his invention and make sure he never succeeds in life, and that anyone who didn't try to stop him from telling anyone else about this whole fiasco, she was going to retaliate against. This was a very thinly veiled threat, to which I replied the only way I knew how..
I have already been through hell with my own divorce, and I have no intention of going through yours. Thanks anyway.
She wanted to know whether I had actually seen the emails in question, to which I replied that I don't like to go rubbernecking at car accidents, and it's really the same thing to me. It's ugly and it smells bad and I don't want anything to do with it.
And then suddenly we were back to normal-land, and she was saying that I was welcome to still come ride anytime I wanted. It frankly freaks me out.
After talking to both of them today, I feel scattered and brittle like Waffle House hash browns (I couldn't resist that reference.. when I typed "Scattered" I was already hopelessly committed to a WH metaphor. Sorry. I truly am.) Seriously, I am really more anxious about it than I should be. I know that there is nothing there that involves me, other than the fact that they were there for me, and I am trying to return the favor. I do wish L were home though. I really miss him.
The End of the Beginning
Last night I had a long conversation with a dear friend of mine, and I've really been thinking about it all night. Needless to say I did not sleep well.
So here's what happened. Earlier this weekend, he found a whole sheaf of emails from his wife (also a friend of mine) to another man. This is obviously and unquestionably an affair, but she is denying it, telling him it was just an inside joke. I'm sorry, but nobody jokes that way. "I miss you and I can't wait to see you again" and "I wish you were here with me tonight" are not statements you make to someone of the opposite sex as a joke. Neither are statements like "Tonight was awesome" and "This is a dream come true."
He has confronted her with it, and some sort of fight started in which she tried to kick his nuts in and called the police on him for domestic violence, even though he says he never even tried to defend himself. I feel so sad for him because I know where he's at right now. I know how bad it hurts when someone you love not only doesn't love you back, but also rubs your face in it.
He's a pretty intense guy, too, which could make the situation immensely nastier in the end, because he's copied God and everybody on all of those emails, and he's read them probably a million times. I asked him last night when he was going to stop torturing himself with them. I know I would never have wanted a blow-by-blow of my ex-husband's exploits. Just knowing about it in a vague sense tore me apart.
I am so disappointed by this. I really wanted them to be able to work it out. He loves her so much.. And she hasn't a clue what she has, or how many other women would love to have someone like him in their lives, or how rare it is to have someone love you like that. But the things that turn her head are ambition and money, neither of which M has.
I just can't believe that she'd do something like this. I really did admire her. She was involved in the church, singing in the choir, going to bible studies, seeming to really try to be a good person. I thought she had a handle on what's right and wrong. I thought she was strong and had some integrity. And she didn't even have the decency to leave him before she started a relationship with another man. After 12 years, I think she'd at least owe him that.
But hell, I know it's none of my business. I certainly don't want to get dragged into it. It's volatile enough already. He did say last night that she had told another friend of theirs that she had emails from him to me saying that he loved me. The funny thing there is that I imagine she does have. He wrote me an email a month or so ago thanking me for trying to help them, and for my friendship. I thought it was a very nice email, and I responded that I loved him and H too, and that I would never forget the way they helped me get through the divorce.
The idea that she'd even bring that up in this context makes me sick. Maybe it's righteous indignation, and maybe it's something else, but that's one of those things that takes you aback and makes you want to stay as far distant from it as possible. I might have my shortcomings and I'm certainly not even remotely near perfect, but one thing I can say with no doubt: I would never cheat on anyone.
Hell, J deserved to be cheated on, and I still couldn't do it. I don't know what might be going through her head, but I won't be dragged into this. I just hope I can keep my friends through this. I hate situations like this. :(
So here's what happened. Earlier this weekend, he found a whole sheaf of emails from his wife (also a friend of mine) to another man. This is obviously and unquestionably an affair, but she is denying it, telling him it was just an inside joke. I'm sorry, but nobody jokes that way. "I miss you and I can't wait to see you again" and "I wish you were here with me tonight" are not statements you make to someone of the opposite sex as a joke. Neither are statements like "Tonight was awesome" and "This is a dream come true."
He has confronted her with it, and some sort of fight started in which she tried to kick his nuts in and called the police on him for domestic violence, even though he says he never even tried to defend himself. I feel so sad for him because I know where he's at right now. I know how bad it hurts when someone you love not only doesn't love you back, but also rubs your face in it.
He's a pretty intense guy, too, which could make the situation immensely nastier in the end, because he's copied God and everybody on all of those emails, and he's read them probably a million times. I asked him last night when he was going to stop torturing himself with them. I know I would never have wanted a blow-by-blow of my ex-husband's exploits. Just knowing about it in a vague sense tore me apart.
I am so disappointed by this. I really wanted them to be able to work it out. He loves her so much.. And she hasn't a clue what she has, or how many other women would love to have someone like him in their lives, or how rare it is to have someone love you like that. But the things that turn her head are ambition and money, neither of which M has.
I just can't believe that she'd do something like this. I really did admire her. She was involved in the church, singing in the choir, going to bible studies, seeming to really try to be a good person. I thought she had a handle on what's right and wrong. I thought she was strong and had some integrity. And she didn't even have the decency to leave him before she started a relationship with another man. After 12 years, I think she'd at least owe him that.
But hell, I know it's none of my business. I certainly don't want to get dragged into it. It's volatile enough already. He did say last night that she had told another friend of theirs that she had emails from him to me saying that he loved me. The funny thing there is that I imagine she does have. He wrote me an email a month or so ago thanking me for trying to help them, and for my friendship. I thought it was a very nice email, and I responded that I loved him and H too, and that I would never forget the way they helped me get through the divorce.
The idea that she'd even bring that up in this context makes me sick. Maybe it's righteous indignation, and maybe it's something else, but that's one of those things that takes you aback and makes you want to stay as far distant from it as possible. I might have my shortcomings and I'm certainly not even remotely near perfect, but one thing I can say with no doubt: I would never cheat on anyone.
Hell, J deserved to be cheated on, and I still couldn't do it. I don't know what might be going through her head, but I won't be dragged into this. I just hope I can keep my friends through this. I hate situations like this. :(
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Like a Blast From the Past, Only Different
It's 9pm and I feel like it's 3 in the morning or something. I am so tired after this weekend! Last night I had a slumber party, just like the old days. Well not just like the old days. We skipped the sleeping bags and little-girl spats. We skipped the toothpaste in bras, and putting the hand of the first to fall asleep in warm water. We opted instead for good food, red wine, and lots of conversation. The only thing that marred the evening was that we couldn't get the DVD player to work, and we wanted to watch Miss Congeniality.
Several of my friends stayed all day today, too. We watched "Ray" on HBO and talked and ordered pizza. It was a non-productive day, but quite relaxing. One of my friends brought me candles as a sort of hostess gift.. she knows how much I love the smell of lavendar. They are honeysuckle and lavendar candles, and at this moment the whole house smells delicious.
After they left I picked up my guitar and played a bit, then wrote 2 songs. Actually I finished one and wrote another. I am proud of them both. One is a flat-out country song, and the other is the first sincere, happy love song I have ever written. Neither have titles as yet, but then titles were never my strong point.
The cat and the dogs cohabitated in the garage last night without barking or breaking out of their respective crates and ripping each other to shreds, although the dogs did start howling halfway through the night, as usual. I am used to it, but my friends are not, so I had to explain what the eerie noise was. They look so funny when they howl though, almost like they are singing. Their little noses point straight up; one dog sings alto, and the other soprano.
I can understand L's attachment to the dogs, though. They are very good company. Today they spent most of the day outside, and the Monster stayed inside, but he had another of his hissing, screeching, wild-eyed fits, and would not come out of the office all day. He lay on a shelf in the closet almost all day, his front feet tucked under his furry chest, looking like a loaf of cat and hissing at anyone who came near. He is now outside in his condo, and has finally given up on yowling at me for putting him out there.
And I miss L. This place is great, but it's awfully quiet without him.
Several of my friends stayed all day today, too. We watched "Ray" on HBO and talked and ordered pizza. It was a non-productive day, but quite relaxing. One of my friends brought me candles as a sort of hostess gift.. she knows how much I love the smell of lavendar. They are honeysuckle and lavendar candles, and at this moment the whole house smells delicious.
After they left I picked up my guitar and played a bit, then wrote 2 songs. Actually I finished one and wrote another. I am proud of them both. One is a flat-out country song, and the other is the first sincere, happy love song I have ever written. Neither have titles as yet, but then titles were never my strong point.
The cat and the dogs cohabitated in the garage last night without barking or breaking out of their respective crates and ripping each other to shreds, although the dogs did start howling halfway through the night, as usual. I am used to it, but my friends are not, so I had to explain what the eerie noise was. They look so funny when they howl though, almost like they are singing. Their little noses point straight up; one dog sings alto, and the other soprano.
I can understand L's attachment to the dogs, though. They are very good company. Today they spent most of the day outside, and the Monster stayed inside, but he had another of his hissing, screeching, wild-eyed fits, and would not come out of the office all day. He lay on a shelf in the closet almost all day, his front feet tucked under his furry chest, looking like a loaf of cat and hissing at anyone who came near. He is now outside in his condo, and has finally given up on yowling at me for putting him out there.
And I miss L. This place is great, but it's awfully quiet without him.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
At midnight, this is what I have, after a frantic search for a drill that works, a heated argument with the aforementioned skilsaw, and at last, another grudging trip to Lowe's, where a sweaty, balding-but-not-in-a-sexy-way salesman disparaged my hardware choices and gazed at my breasts like a Labrador retriever at a big juicy steak. But I digress. It's over half done! Yippee!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Here's Hoping
I spent $111 on my cat today. I bought all of the materials to build his little habitat thing, and got started marking all of the wood and stapling the carpet to the shelf pieces. Never fear, I will post pictures.
But I'm afraid this isn't going to be one of my more interesting blog entries, because I am tired. My boyfriend has gone to Tally for the week on business, and I am holding down the fort with my evil cat and his two doggies, who are extremely confused as to where their dad has gone off to. They keep looking at me as if to say, "I know you're hiding him somewhere. What gives?"
Denver, the one in the picture I posted earlier, keeps jumping up and down with his front paws, a big doggy smile on his face. I can't figure out what is making him so excited or happy, but I already fed him.
*sigh*
But L is gone. For a whole week!! And I didn't even have time to jump his bones this morning. I sincerely wish I had. The fact that he doesn't talk to me is a little frustrating, but he does open up if you give him enough hell about it. And when I came home today, he had left out some salmon to thaw for me, for dinner.
I am aware that some women would not consider that a big deal. Some may even view it as personal commentary, I don't know. But to me, it's very sweet that he thinks of me, that even though he is on his way out of town and has to load his stuff and make sure he doesn't forget anything important (like his dress clothes, which he has done before, he tells me), he still thinks about me needing dinner. Need I tell you how much of an improvement that is from my marriage? Didn't think so.
In other news, I went to the doc today. No diganosis yet.. but when I get one I'll be sure and blog it. Stay tuned over the next few days for the great kittyland construction project.
But I'm afraid this isn't going to be one of my more interesting blog entries, because I am tired. My boyfriend has gone to Tally for the week on business, and I am holding down the fort with my evil cat and his two doggies, who are extremely confused as to where their dad has gone off to. They keep looking at me as if to say, "I know you're hiding him somewhere. What gives?"
Denver, the one in the picture I posted earlier, keeps jumping up and down with his front paws, a big doggy smile on his face. I can't figure out what is making him so excited or happy, but I already fed him.
*sigh*
But L is gone. For a whole week!! And I didn't even have time to jump his bones this morning. I sincerely wish I had. The fact that he doesn't talk to me is a little frustrating, but he does open up if you give him enough hell about it. And when I came home today, he had left out some salmon to thaw for me, for dinner.
I am aware that some women would not consider that a big deal. Some may even view it as personal commentary, I don't know. But to me, it's very sweet that he thinks of me, that even though he is on his way out of town and has to load his stuff and make sure he doesn't forget anything important (like his dress clothes, which he has done before, he tells me), he still thinks about me needing dinner. Need I tell you how much of an improvement that is from my marriage? Didn't think so.
In other news, I went to the doc today. No diganosis yet.. but when I get one I'll be sure and blog it. Stay tuned over the next few days for the great kittyland construction project.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Starving, Stuffed
Today has been ruled by my stomach. I didn't feel like eating breakfast, but had some yogurt anyway after I got to work. Then I worked out at lunch, and didn't feel like eating lunch when I came back from the gym. I met L at Sam's to go shopping, and then came home and had a late dinner of steak, potatoes, and salad. At this point suddenly I am hungry, so I ate like a ravenous wolverine.
Which leads to me sitting now in front of my computer, feeling like an overstuffed ottoman: huge and lifeless.
I have lost 3 pounds though. Don't tell me it's just water weight. I am aware of that and I still don't want to hear it. 3 pounds is 3 pounds. No takebacks.
L goes off on a business trip tomorrow. I will miss him dreadfully, of course, but I have lots to do while he is gone. Priority number one is building a habitat for the monster so that he is no longer in the office. He has wreaked far too much havoc there as it is. He is being relegated to his own habitat in the garage. I also have cleaning to do, and a party here on Saturday night.. it's Girls' Night.. chick flicks, a few bottles of wine, and some snack food, and we are set!
Saturday morning I hope to go trail riding on Gracie again. This time I will try to stay on the horse. My bum is still a little sore from last time!
Which leads to me sitting now in front of my computer, feeling like an overstuffed ottoman: huge and lifeless.
I have lost 3 pounds though. Don't tell me it's just water weight. I am aware of that and I still don't want to hear it. 3 pounds is 3 pounds. No takebacks.
L goes off on a business trip tomorrow. I will miss him dreadfully, of course, but I have lots to do while he is gone. Priority number one is building a habitat for the monster so that he is no longer in the office. He has wreaked far too much havoc there as it is. He is being relegated to his own habitat in the garage. I also have cleaning to do, and a party here on Saturday night.. it's Girls' Night.. chick flicks, a few bottles of wine, and some snack food, and we are set!
Saturday morning I hope to go trail riding on Gracie again. This time I will try to stay on the horse. My bum is still a little sore from last time!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
A Thesis on the Housecat as a Destructive Force
I have become convinced that my cat has been abducted by aliens and had his brain replaced with that of an insane terrorist kamikaze. He has taken to throwing himself at the office door when left alone, but if the door is opened, letting him into the rest of the house, he goes back into the office and curls up in the corner of the closet and goes to sleep.
He has also started shredding L's papers, envelopes, boxes, mail, anything he can get his paws on. He has chewed the earpiece to his mobile phone, destroyed several pairs of shoes, and he yowls at the top of his lungs all day. He has torn up the carpet as well.
In short, L hates him, though he is too well mannered to say so.
But at last I got L to talk to me, though it took near Herculean effort. The problem is that he hates the cat, he's worried about my financial situation, and I think he has a problem with receiving any positive comments about himself. He plain doesn't like complements.
And every time we go to our friends' houses, the "love fest" begins. They all adore him, as do I, and he can't deal with it. I told him that I was going to start calling him names and tell him he sucks every day, just to make him more comfortable.
But the cat is a problem. I don't know what to do. I love that cat! But he is making everyone here miserable these days.
He has also started shredding L's papers, envelopes, boxes, mail, anything he can get his paws on. He has chewed the earpiece to his mobile phone, destroyed several pairs of shoes, and he yowls at the top of his lungs all day. He has torn up the carpet as well.
In short, L hates him, though he is too well mannered to say so.
But at last I got L to talk to me, though it took near Herculean effort. The problem is that he hates the cat, he's worried about my financial situation, and I think he has a problem with receiving any positive comments about himself. He plain doesn't like complements.
And every time we go to our friends' houses, the "love fest" begins. They all adore him, as do I, and he can't deal with it. I told him that I was going to start calling him names and tell him he sucks every day, just to make him more comfortable.
But the cat is a problem. I don't know what to do. I love that cat! But he is making everyone here miserable these days.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Don't Assume Anything
I have tried to kick this. Really I have. I have accepted that a large amount of my mental discord for the past few days has to do with alcohol and lack of sleep.. but try as I might, I can't just chalk it all up to that. I was not drinking during that particular conversation.. if you could call it a conversation. It wasn't really. It was an attempt at a conversation on my part and a smokescreen on his.
I want to know why he doesn't want me to know who he really is. I want to know why he won't talk to me. It's not like I am asking for anything major. I just want him to stop throwing up the force field every time I ask him a personal question.
After a year and some change, maybe there is nothing wrong with me wanting to know his plans for the future, his feelings about.. well pretty much anything. All I asked was whether or not he wanted kids. You know, some time in the distant future, and the question itself was prompted by the roasting we got at the party on Saturday night. You'd have thought I had asked him something ...well something awful. Who knows what? He was certainly defensive enough about it.
And I take that kind of forceful reticence as rejection, and as we all know, I do not handle rejection well.
He pointed out that he does have a plan. And he does. He wants land, and he wants to build his dream house. That's a great plan. All I want to know is whether or not he would prefer to do it by himself.
I have said before that I can't assume that things in this relationship are anything like the one I had before it. But there's another facet to the question of assumptions. I am in no hurry to get my heart ripped out and stomped again either.. I refuse to just assume that he's on the same page with me, because I've done that and it did not turn out well. Then, I had a right to make assumptions. I had the right and the ring to prove it. It didn't stop me from feeling like the world't biggest fool when I realized that not only were we not on the same page, we were reading completely different books.. in different libraries, on completely separate continents.
It would be easy to just believe what I want to believe about the whole thing.. believe that he wants to include me in his plans, that he wants to rings, the 2.5 kids, and all that. But I have been that girl a few too many times to be able to fool myself again. I don't want to believe it, if it's a crock of shit like it was the last time.
Hell, I don't even want to get married again right away. But I want him to want to. Does that make sense? Not even in the near future. Just sometime. And that's probably pretty juvenile of me, but to hell with it, that's the way I feel.
But I've become a believer in the Church of the Painful Truth. The truth is that I can paint a pretty picture for myself, but only if he contributes something to it. The truth is that he says he loves me, but only in response. I can't think of a single time that he has said those words of his own volition. And that makes me feel pretty damn stupid for ever saying it, ever, no matter how I might feel about him.
The truth is that I am afraid that what I want doesn't exist anywhere in the world, and that scares me a little. And good god damn, will you look at that? All this time I have been trying to figure out how in the world someone hadn't snatched him up before this.. and I think I've figured out why. I may have found the Achilles heel I was beginning to think wasn't there..
How can you build a life with someone who won't let you know who they are?
I want to know why he doesn't want me to know who he really is. I want to know why he won't talk to me. It's not like I am asking for anything major. I just want him to stop throwing up the force field every time I ask him a personal question.
After a year and some change, maybe there is nothing wrong with me wanting to know his plans for the future, his feelings about.. well pretty much anything. All I asked was whether or not he wanted kids. You know, some time in the distant future, and the question itself was prompted by the roasting we got at the party on Saturday night. You'd have thought I had asked him something ...well something awful. Who knows what? He was certainly defensive enough about it.
And I take that kind of forceful reticence as rejection, and as we all know, I do not handle rejection well.
He pointed out that he does have a plan. And he does. He wants land, and he wants to build his dream house. That's a great plan. All I want to know is whether or not he would prefer to do it by himself.
I have said before that I can't assume that things in this relationship are anything like the one I had before it. But there's another facet to the question of assumptions. I am in no hurry to get my heart ripped out and stomped again either.. I refuse to just assume that he's on the same page with me, because I've done that and it did not turn out well. Then, I had a right to make assumptions. I had the right and the ring to prove it. It didn't stop me from feeling like the world't biggest fool when I realized that not only were we not on the same page, we were reading completely different books.. in different libraries, on completely separate continents.
It would be easy to just believe what I want to believe about the whole thing.. believe that he wants to include me in his plans, that he wants to rings, the 2.5 kids, and all that. But I have been that girl a few too many times to be able to fool myself again. I don't want to believe it, if it's a crock of shit like it was the last time.
Hell, I don't even want to get married again right away. But I want him to want to. Does that make sense? Not even in the near future. Just sometime. And that's probably pretty juvenile of me, but to hell with it, that's the way I feel.
But I've become a believer in the Church of the Painful Truth. The truth is that I can paint a pretty picture for myself, but only if he contributes something to it. The truth is that he says he loves me, but only in response. I can't think of a single time that he has said those words of his own volition. And that makes me feel pretty damn stupid for ever saying it, ever, no matter how I might feel about him.
The truth is that I am afraid that what I want doesn't exist anywhere in the world, and that scares me a little. And good god damn, will you look at that? All this time I have been trying to figure out how in the world someone hadn't snatched him up before this.. and I think I've figured out why. I may have found the Achilles heel I was beginning to think wasn't there..
How can you build a life with someone who won't let you know who they are?
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Sometimes I'm A Stranger
It's funny how sometimes you can sit in the middle of your own life and feel like a total stranger. All of the people and things you normally feel so ..part of.. are suddenly sort of alien, and you really wonder if you ever were part of anything. If any of these people, including the one I care about the most, would really even change their daily routine if tomorrow I wasn't there.
Bullshit poor-me crap. I know. There's no need to tell me. Tomorrow I can chalk this up to the alcohol talking and forget that I ever wrote it. It's not like there is any reason for it.
The reality is that tomorrow I will blame it on the alcohol and never tell a soul that it's really always in the back of my head.
I am not asking for a committment from anyone. I'd just like to know every once in a while that something I do or say matters to someone besides myself. That somewhere someone makes their plans with me in mind the way I do with them.
God, you know, one day I really hope I outgrow this little girl pollyanna bullshit. It really is a pain in the ass.
Bullshit poor-me crap. I know. There's no need to tell me. Tomorrow I can chalk this up to the alcohol talking and forget that I ever wrote it. It's not like there is any reason for it.
The reality is that tomorrow I will blame it on the alcohol and never tell a soul that it's really always in the back of my head.
I am not asking for a committment from anyone. I'd just like to know every once in a while that something I do or say matters to someone besides myself. That somewhere someone makes their plans with me in mind the way I do with them.
God, you know, one day I really hope I outgrow this little girl pollyanna bullshit. It really is a pain in the ass.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
My Own Mistakes
I hate unexplained bad moods. I'm all wired up, and ill with the world for some reason. I am just generally cranky. The best thing to do on days like this is either a) go to sleep and hope tomorrow is better, or b) change directions completely and do something different with my day.
So I am trying to think about something different, change channels in my mind. It's hard to concentrate on much of anything with this "Weight Limit Exceeded" red light blinking, but I do what I can. I ran this morning, and ate nothing until almost 3:00, which is not a good thing, I know. But I ended up scarfing a bleu cheese burger (my favorite!) and fries at Arizona Steakhouse for lunch. I have lost a pound, though, so.. only 4 more before my first Victoria's Secret trip. And only 14 more until the VIctoria's Secret Shopping Extravaganza.
But I keep thinking.. I keep catching myself sliding back into old familliar patterns. Things like assuming I know what he's thinking, like getting angry with him beacause of what I assume about him. I should know, even subconsciously, that he is not the same person as the gigantic infant I was married to. I guess I rolled along for so long in that rut that the tires just go there because they know it.. it's familliar and comfortable, as perverse as that sounds.
I got used to being the mature one in the relationship, and being the one who took care of things. I got used to having to re-do everything J did attempt to do because J screwed it up or didn't finish what he started. I got used to being violently resentful of every night that went by that he didn't touch me. And I don't have to do that with L. I can't do that with L. Unless of course I want to turn into a sour, unfulfilled old bitch who can't get a date and runs off all of her friends with her look-what-a-capable-martyr-I-am attitude.
I have seen that first hand, and if that's where I'm destined to end up, I'll just check out now, thanks just the same. Somehow I need to get the two sides of me on the same train. I need to kick J out of my head, slam the damn door, and nail that fucker shut. It's done. It's over with, and no amount of thinking about it is going to change anything that happened or didn't happen. The only things I can change are the things that are happening right now. I have got to stop letting my past with J color my future with L.
It is so incredibly stupid for me to even try and compare the two. It's like comparing apples and tire irons. Doesn't make sense.
But you know what? I feel better now. Putting it down in type makes it look every bit as stupid as it is. Embarrassing? Yeah. Necessary? Probably. So ok. The channel has been changed. Time to go fold the laundry.
So I am trying to think about something different, change channels in my mind. It's hard to concentrate on much of anything with this "Weight Limit Exceeded" red light blinking, but I do what I can. I ran this morning, and ate nothing until almost 3:00, which is not a good thing, I know. But I ended up scarfing a bleu cheese burger (my favorite!) and fries at Arizona Steakhouse for lunch. I have lost a pound, though, so.. only 4 more before my first Victoria's Secret trip. And only 14 more until the VIctoria's Secret Shopping Extravaganza.
But I keep thinking.. I keep catching myself sliding back into old familliar patterns. Things like assuming I know what he's thinking, like getting angry with him beacause of what I assume about him. I should know, even subconsciously, that he is not the same person as the gigantic infant I was married to. I guess I rolled along for so long in that rut that the tires just go there because they know it.. it's familliar and comfortable, as perverse as that sounds.
I got used to being the mature one in the relationship, and being the one who took care of things. I got used to having to re-do everything J did attempt to do because J screwed it up or didn't finish what he started. I got used to being violently resentful of every night that went by that he didn't touch me. And I don't have to do that with L. I can't do that with L. Unless of course I want to turn into a sour, unfulfilled old bitch who can't get a date and runs off all of her friends with her look-what-a-capable-martyr-I-am attitude.
I have seen that first hand, and if that's where I'm destined to end up, I'll just check out now, thanks just the same. Somehow I need to get the two sides of me on the same train. I need to kick J out of my head, slam the damn door, and nail that fucker shut. It's done. It's over with, and no amount of thinking about it is going to change anything that happened or didn't happen. The only things I can change are the things that are happening right now. I have got to stop letting my past with J color my future with L.
It is so incredibly stupid for me to even try and compare the two. It's like comparing apples and tire irons. Doesn't make sense.
But you know what? I feel better now. Putting it down in type makes it look every bit as stupid as it is. Embarrassing? Yeah. Necessary? Probably. So ok. The channel has been changed. Time to go fold the laundry.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Hilarity Rules
Trying to think of a good statement with which to start a blog entry is more difficult than you might think. I could just randomly start typing, but then I would.. oh wait. That's what I just did. And now this blog entry is started so this whole paragraph is moot.
Let me start over.
So tonight we went to Joe's Crab Shack, where I ate some good coconut shrimp and some not-so-good crab legs. Seriously, the crab legs were disappointingly dry and brittle. But the shrimp were good.
We went to the movies and saw "Wedding Crashers" which was absolutely laugh-out-loud hilarious. Definitely a fun movie. Then home, to check email, blog, what have you. We sit in his office, on our respective computers, clicking away.. usually for a few minutes or so. I wanted to send him an IM from across the room, but he isn't logged in. Oh well.. I guess instead of the kissyface smiley, I will have to leave my chair and go kiss the top of his head. It's more fun that way anyhow. Damn he's cute.. Now I'm distracted from my blogging....
Let me start over.
So tonight we went to Joe's Crab Shack, where I ate some good coconut shrimp and some not-so-good crab legs. Seriously, the crab legs were disappointingly dry and brittle. But the shrimp were good.
We went to the movies and saw "Wedding Crashers" which was absolutely laugh-out-loud hilarious. Definitely a fun movie. Then home, to check email, blog, what have you. We sit in his office, on our respective computers, clicking away.. usually for a few minutes or so. I wanted to send him an IM from across the room, but he isn't logged in. Oh well.. I guess instead of the kissyface smiley, I will have to leave my chair and go kiss the top of his head. It's more fun that way anyhow. Damn he's cute.. Now I'm distracted from my blogging....
Thursday, August 11, 2005
It's Past My Bedtime
I just got home. Yes, at 10:30 pm. I left work after a very stressful and irritating day and went to see Gracie, who always makes me feel better. It was so hot outside that she was already sweating when I went to get her in the pasture. All of the horses were.
But today Gracie did 3 of the Parelli games without the rope! And she almost stopped being afraid of the big sheet of plastic we were working with. I got her to let me rub her down with it, and she sniffed it and put a foot on it, but she would not walk over it and she wouldn't let me put it on her back.. yet. She will.
I also discovered that Gracie likes cats. She likes cats a lot. We were back in the pasture, and I was feeding all of the horses cookies (that's horse treats, to the rest of you), when one of the cats, a big striped fellow, came sashaying by, swishing his tail around Gracie's left front hoof. Not only does Gracie start sniffing the cat, she then follows the cat wherever he goes for a good five minutes, sniffing and blowing on him, trying to figure him out. It was awfully cute.
And then there was dinner with M, who is very sad despite his trying to put a good face on it. I'm afraid H doesn't love him and I'm afraid he knows it. I wish she did.. because he loves her and he deserves better than a half assed relationship. But what do I know? I can't say anything one way or the other. I love them both and they are both my friends. I just wish they could work it out. It sucks to be able to see and identify with both sides sometimes.
My boyfriend is on the phone with his mom and dad, which reminds me that I spoke to my mother tonight. She sounded more upbeat than usual, which was a welcome change, but I still get the feeling that she is staring down a well or something. No light at the end of the tunnel. No change from previous, as Dr. P would say. I wish she weren't so depressing. I want to spend time with her, but when I do, I leave feeling like jumping off a bridge.
And on that happy note, it's time to go to bed.
But today Gracie did 3 of the Parelli games without the rope! And she almost stopped being afraid of the big sheet of plastic we were working with. I got her to let me rub her down with it, and she sniffed it and put a foot on it, but she would not walk over it and she wouldn't let me put it on her back.. yet. She will.
I also discovered that Gracie likes cats. She likes cats a lot. We were back in the pasture, and I was feeding all of the horses cookies (that's horse treats, to the rest of you), when one of the cats, a big striped fellow, came sashaying by, swishing his tail around Gracie's left front hoof. Not only does Gracie start sniffing the cat, she then follows the cat wherever he goes for a good five minutes, sniffing and blowing on him, trying to figure him out. It was awfully cute.
And then there was dinner with M, who is very sad despite his trying to put a good face on it. I'm afraid H doesn't love him and I'm afraid he knows it. I wish she did.. because he loves her and he deserves better than a half assed relationship. But what do I know? I can't say anything one way or the other. I love them both and they are both my friends. I just wish they could work it out. It sucks to be able to see and identify with both sides sometimes.
My boyfriend is on the phone with his mom and dad, which reminds me that I spoke to my mother tonight. She sounded more upbeat than usual, which was a welcome change, but I still get the feeling that she is staring down a well or something. No light at the end of the tunnel. No change from previous, as Dr. P would say. I wish she weren't so depressing. I want to spend time with her, but when I do, I leave feeling like jumping off a bridge.
And on that happy note, it's time to go to bed.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Maximum Weight Limit Exceeded
That is the warning light that started blinking in my head yesterday. It came on, like all "check engine" lights, at a time when I really didn't want to see it, but that's how it always happens. I was at the gym, getting ready to sit in the sauna, because I thought the heat would help my aching hips and coccyx (that's the buttbone, for those without medical terminology), which it did.
However, when I go to the gym, I check and record my weight. I am now the heaviest I have ever been. And that's when the light came on. And it didn't just come on. It started blinking furiously. It has made me question and agonize over every bite since.
So.. I have to lose at least 10 pounds. Shooting for 15 by Christmas. For every 5 pounds, I am going to buy myself something spectacular at Victoria's Secret, since I love shopping there, and 1) I want to be able to continue to find something there that fits, and 2) I never buy anything except cotton underwear anymore, and I need a good excuse. So there it is. I lose 5 pounds, I get something spectacular. : )
That also means no more eating whatever I feel like. No more trips for that University ice cream in the middle of the day. No more snickers bars. And certainly no more soda.
Tonight we are having pork chops. I'll take the small one with a big salad, which I won't feel bad about because I just ran 2 miles on the treadmill despite my still somewhat aching tailbone. Maybe next time that'll teach me to stay in the saddle... and away from the junk food.
However, when I go to the gym, I check and record my weight. I am now the heaviest I have ever been. And that's when the light came on. And it didn't just come on. It started blinking furiously. It has made me question and agonize over every bite since.
So.. I have to lose at least 10 pounds. Shooting for 15 by Christmas. For every 5 pounds, I am going to buy myself something spectacular at Victoria's Secret, since I love shopping there, and 1) I want to be able to continue to find something there that fits, and 2) I never buy anything except cotton underwear anymore, and I need a good excuse. So there it is. I lose 5 pounds, I get something spectacular. : )
That also means no more eating whatever I feel like. No more trips for that University ice cream in the middle of the day. No more snickers bars. And certainly no more soda.
Tonight we are having pork chops. I'll take the small one with a big salad, which I won't feel bad about because I just ran 2 miles on the treadmill despite my still somewhat aching tailbone. Maybe next time that'll teach me to stay in the saddle... and away from the junk food.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Note on the Way to the Bubble Bath
I am still very sore from my flight.. or rather from my crash landing. Today at work was interesting to say the least, trying to get anything done with an aching back and bum and left shoulder.
Tonight my boyfriend made shrimp, which were delicious as always. I don't know how in the world I am ever going to lose this 10 pounds I'd like to get rid of when he cooks such good food. But I'm not complaining. It just means I'll have to exercise harder.
In other news today, I went to the tack shop to get my boots cut down, only to find that the tack shop was closed on mondays.
Then I went to the Jeweler to see if I could trade my ring, like they promised I could when I bought it. the trouble is that the ring I loved and wanted to trade for cost less than the one I had, and they wouldn't let me trade for it. I wasn't interested in losing $700 on the deal, and they wouldn't negotiate for another item or even cash. So screw it. It's another scam lite, just like everything else.. We'll let you trade it in, but we don't have anything of comparable value except something you really don't want. Even if you should happen to find something, we will manufacture some reason why you can't have it without giving us another $500.
So screw it, I said. I'll just keep this ring I really won't ever wear again in a drawer somewhere. That sounds like a fine idea.
I did go to Victoria's Secret though, with Tracy from work. She bought some hot lingerie, and I bought some nice plain cotton underwear. At least they were thongs. But I am not feeling too sexy right now, with my bruised derriere, walking around like an arthritic old lady. So I am taking my arthritic little old self to the bathtub now.
Tonight my boyfriend made shrimp, which were delicious as always. I don't know how in the world I am ever going to lose this 10 pounds I'd like to get rid of when he cooks such good food. But I'm not complaining. It just means I'll have to exercise harder.
In other news today, I went to the tack shop to get my boots cut down, only to find that the tack shop was closed on mondays.
Then I went to the Jeweler to see if I could trade my ring, like they promised I could when I bought it. the trouble is that the ring I loved and wanted to trade for cost less than the one I had, and they wouldn't let me trade for it. I wasn't interested in losing $700 on the deal, and they wouldn't negotiate for another item or even cash. So screw it. It's another scam lite, just like everything else.. We'll let you trade it in, but we don't have anything of comparable value except something you really don't want. Even if you should happen to find something, we will manufacture some reason why you can't have it without giving us another $500.
So screw it, I said. I'll just keep this ring I really won't ever wear again in a drawer somewhere. That sounds like a fine idea.
I did go to Victoria's Secret though, with Tracy from work. She bought some hot lingerie, and I bought some nice plain cotton underwear. At least they were thongs. But I am not feeling too sexy right now, with my bruised derriere, walking around like an arthritic old lady. So I am taking my arthritic little old self to the bathtub now.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Happy Trails
I sit very gingerly on by black and blue bum as I type this.
As I am sure you are dying to know why my butt is purple, I suppose I shall have to tell you.
I went trail riding today, which was so much fun!! Not only did I ride Gracie for four hours through all different terrain, I also cantered and, dare I say, galloped. It was fantastic. Oh, and I also came off twice. Twice.
The first time was when we had stopped to rest. There was a group of other riders across the clearing from us, up on another trail, cantering along happily as can be. All of a sudden, Gracie is whinnying at the top of her lungs. She is a very herd-oriented horse, and wants to be with the biggest group she can. I tried telling her that those weren't her horses, but she wasn't overly inclined to listen. I stopped her from hauling off after them several times, but finally she lost her cool a little bit and reared up on her hind legs. I knew what to do, and did it instantly and without thinking about it. I adjusted my center of gravity, dropped my feet from the stirrups, and bailed when I felt her teetering on the edge of going over. I landed on my feet with the reins still in my hand. It was pretty cool. She looked at me all wide-eyed as if to say, "Hey, how did you get down there?!?!" I rubbed her nose and neck until she calmed down and got back on.
It's amazing what stays with you, and what your body remembers, even after 8-9 years. That's how long it has been since I've ridden seriously. But everything I needed to know came back.
And it was a good thing. But before that...
About an hour later, we crossed a wide, deep stream. Gracie likes to stick her nose in the water and splash it back and forth. It's terribly cute. Anyway, Traveler, the lead horse, decided mid-cross that he wanted to lay down and cool off, so down he went, rider, bareback pad and all. Mark was laughing with water sloshing out of his boots and pants. So we decided it would be fun to go swimming with the horses.
That was probably one of the coolest things I have ever done. We took the saddles off, along with our boots and socks, and waded in. Gracie had a good roll in the streambed, once even putting her whole head underwater for a second. They splashed water at each other and snorted and blew, and their tails caught the current and floated out behind them like multicolored seaweed.
We finished the ride with sand in our pants, but it was worth it.
We were on the way back to the truck when I lost my seat the second time. We were galloping down the wide red dirt road. At some point recently, it had rained there, probably yesterday afternoon. At any rate, there were mud puddles in places, and we'd done a good job of avoiding them. But at a gallop, it's hard to gauge sometimes. Anyway, Grace was catching up to the others, really stretching out, and I was loving life. Then her right front hoof hit a mud puddle. I think she tried to put herself in reverse, but then decided to hop over it. Being unprepared for the sudden change in direction, I lost my balance and somersaulted over her left shoulder. The only thing I could think to do was hurl myself forward and hope that I didn't land on my head, because I had no time to do anything else. I flipped completely head over heels and came down on my tailbone and bounced. And Gracie put on the brakes, looking for all the world like a cutting horse at a rodeo.
Not a single hoof came near me. She could have run me over.
I tried to bounce right to my feet, but that wasn't happening. Neither was I able to get back on the horse right away. We walked for a while, once I was able to get up, but my right leg is stiff and sore now, and my ass is black and blue.
I did ride the rest of the way back, though, and Gracie is still the best horse in the world. And I will still jump at the next chance I get to take her out there. It may hurt like hell, but it's worth it. :)
As I am sure you are dying to know why my butt is purple, I suppose I shall have to tell you.
I went trail riding today, which was so much fun!! Not only did I ride Gracie for four hours through all different terrain, I also cantered and, dare I say, galloped. It was fantastic. Oh, and I also came off twice. Twice.
The first time was when we had stopped to rest. There was a group of other riders across the clearing from us, up on another trail, cantering along happily as can be. All of a sudden, Gracie is whinnying at the top of her lungs. She is a very herd-oriented horse, and wants to be with the biggest group she can. I tried telling her that those weren't her horses, but she wasn't overly inclined to listen. I stopped her from hauling off after them several times, but finally she lost her cool a little bit and reared up on her hind legs. I knew what to do, and did it instantly and without thinking about it. I adjusted my center of gravity, dropped my feet from the stirrups, and bailed when I felt her teetering on the edge of going over. I landed on my feet with the reins still in my hand. It was pretty cool. She looked at me all wide-eyed as if to say, "Hey, how did you get down there?!?!" I rubbed her nose and neck until she calmed down and got back on.
It's amazing what stays with you, and what your body remembers, even after 8-9 years. That's how long it has been since I've ridden seriously. But everything I needed to know came back.
And it was a good thing. But before that...
About an hour later, we crossed a wide, deep stream. Gracie likes to stick her nose in the water and splash it back and forth. It's terribly cute. Anyway, Traveler, the lead horse, decided mid-cross that he wanted to lay down and cool off, so down he went, rider, bareback pad and all. Mark was laughing with water sloshing out of his boots and pants. So we decided it would be fun to go swimming with the horses.
That was probably one of the coolest things I have ever done. We took the saddles off, along with our boots and socks, and waded in. Gracie had a good roll in the streambed, once even putting her whole head underwater for a second. They splashed water at each other and snorted and blew, and their tails caught the current and floated out behind them like multicolored seaweed.
We finished the ride with sand in our pants, but it was worth it.
We were on the way back to the truck when I lost my seat the second time. We were galloping down the wide red dirt road. At some point recently, it had rained there, probably yesterday afternoon. At any rate, there were mud puddles in places, and we'd done a good job of avoiding them. But at a gallop, it's hard to gauge sometimes. Anyway, Grace was catching up to the others, really stretching out, and I was loving life. Then her right front hoof hit a mud puddle. I think she tried to put herself in reverse, but then decided to hop over it. Being unprepared for the sudden change in direction, I lost my balance and somersaulted over her left shoulder. The only thing I could think to do was hurl myself forward and hope that I didn't land on my head, because I had no time to do anything else. I flipped completely head over heels and came down on my tailbone and bounced. And Gracie put on the brakes, looking for all the world like a cutting horse at a rodeo.
Not a single hoof came near me. She could have run me over.
I tried to bounce right to my feet, but that wasn't happening. Neither was I able to get back on the horse right away. We walked for a while, once I was able to get up, but my right leg is stiff and sore now, and my ass is black and blue.
I did ride the rest of the way back, though, and Gracie is still the best horse in the world. And I will still jump at the next chance I get to take her out there. It may hurt like hell, but it's worth it. :)
Friday, August 05, 2005
Spastic More Than Neurotic
My cat is insane.
Last night I was sitting at my computer when he lost his mind. As yet he has not regained it. He was lying on the file cabinet, idly slapping my elbow with one of his nubby little paws. I turned to look at him, and suddenly he leapt off the cabinet, screaming like a banshee and puffing up to twice his normal size, with all of his fur on end.
He reminded me of a deranged blowfish with fur.
He made three or four frantic circuits of the office before throwing himself on the floor in the middle of the room. When I tried to pet him, he hissed. A minute later he seemed okay, but at intervals all night and all day today, he has gone into these paroxysms, yowling at the top of his lungs.
The boyfriend has been trying to work in this office, in the midst of Hurricane Monster. He is not happy. Neither, however, is the cat.
So.. at least it's the weekend now. Tomorrow I am going trail riding on Gracie, while the boyfriend goes shopping. I would go shopping, too, but I really don't have any extra money to spend, and I have been dying to get Gracie out on a trail and under a saddle! If I'm lucky, I can post pictures tomorrow.
Last night I was sitting at my computer when he lost his mind. As yet he has not regained it. He was lying on the file cabinet, idly slapping my elbow with one of his nubby little paws. I turned to look at him, and suddenly he leapt off the cabinet, screaming like a banshee and puffing up to twice his normal size, with all of his fur on end.
He reminded me of a deranged blowfish with fur.
He made three or four frantic circuits of the office before throwing himself on the floor in the middle of the room. When I tried to pet him, he hissed. A minute later he seemed okay, but at intervals all night and all day today, he has gone into these paroxysms, yowling at the top of his lungs.
The boyfriend has been trying to work in this office, in the midst of Hurricane Monster. He is not happy. Neither, however, is the cat.
So.. at least it's the weekend now. Tomorrow I am going trail riding on Gracie, while the boyfriend goes shopping. I would go shopping, too, but I really don't have any extra money to spend, and I have been dying to get Gracie out on a trail and under a saddle! If I'm lucky, I can post pictures tomorrow.
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Blargh? Blawg!!
I am tired as hell. I have been ever since midday, when I was just starting budgeting with the class. They fed us country style steak with gravy. Delicious, but I could feel my ass expanding with every bite. And if I'd been able to, I would have fallen asleep across the LCD projector about 15 minutes after lunch.
As it was, I got to come home early, but I spent the extra time sitting on the deck reading. We went to Sam's, where we bought 18 pork chops, 2 10+ pound roasts, and about 8 pounds of fish. We like to stock up. :) We ate some of the fish for dinner with lemon pepper and rice, which was delicious also, but less detrimental to the waistline.
We watched Taking Lives with Angelina Jolie. It was okay, but it's not a movie I will watch again. I have always liked Angelina Jolie, in part because she is beautiful, and in part because of some of the extraordinary interviews I have read. However, I must say that in this movie, she is not at her best. And I swear in one frame (a profile shot) she looks like a duck.
But it was nice to watch a movie with the boyfriend on one side and the cat on the other, even if the cat was trying unsuccessfully to steal our gingersnaps the whole time.
As it was, I got to come home early, but I spent the extra time sitting on the deck reading. We went to Sam's, where we bought 18 pork chops, 2 10+ pound roasts, and about 8 pounds of fish. We like to stock up. :) We ate some of the fish for dinner with lemon pepper and rice, which was delicious also, but less detrimental to the waistline.
We watched Taking Lives with Angelina Jolie. It was okay, but it's not a movie I will watch again. I have always liked Angelina Jolie, in part because she is beautiful, and in part because of some of the extraordinary interviews I have read. However, I must say that in this movie, she is not at her best. And I swear in one frame (a profile shot) she looks like a duck.
But it was nice to watch a movie with the boyfriend on one side and the cat on the other, even if the cat was trying unsuccessfully to steal our gingersnaps the whole time.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Twitchy
I didn't leave the office today until 6. It was a long day. I had a staff meeting, then a lunch meeting, then a meeting with a senator's grant director, and frantically trying to get things wrapped up for tomorrow's class in between. It all happened, but barely.
Drove home, went to Targee' for some photo prints and some groceries.. Looked for red shoes, but no such luck. Apparently red is OUT right now. I wanted red shoes to go with the new dress I bought to wear tomorrow. It's Liz Claiborne, with the tag still on proclaiming that it cost $119. I paid $26 at Ross. I may be cheap, but I dress pretty well.
Anyway, no red shoes, no red handbags, nothing. Guess I will either wear black or white, as usual. Probably black since I don't have a white bag. So much for coordinating. But then I have always been uncoordinated.
Seriously. It took me until second grade to learn to skip.
My striped cat is lying on the desk looking at me with big round yellow-green eyes, his whiskered little head lying on his little white paws. He knows exactly how cute he is. He is waiting for me to let my guard down, and then he will attack like a kamikaze, his clawless toes like pencil erasers, grabbing at my typing hands. He thinks he's so smart. But then he lives a life of luxury, for a cat.. automatic litterbox, full food dish, full water dish, more toys than a cat should really have.. He's got it made. The boyfriend even bought him a big tube to play in at Lowe's the other day. It's actually a cardboard form for pouring concrete, but the monster uses it to hide in.
He sits inside with the tip of his tail sticking out, twitching.
Drove home, went to Targee' for some photo prints and some groceries.. Looked for red shoes, but no such luck. Apparently red is OUT right now. I wanted red shoes to go with the new dress I bought to wear tomorrow. It's Liz Claiborne, with the tag still on proclaiming that it cost $119. I paid $26 at Ross. I may be cheap, but I dress pretty well.
Anyway, no red shoes, no red handbags, nothing. Guess I will either wear black or white, as usual. Probably black since I don't have a white bag. So much for coordinating. But then I have always been uncoordinated.
Seriously. It took me until second grade to learn to skip.
My striped cat is lying on the desk looking at me with big round yellow-green eyes, his whiskered little head lying on his little white paws. He knows exactly how cute he is. He is waiting for me to let my guard down, and then he will attack like a kamikaze, his clawless toes like pencil erasers, grabbing at my typing hands. He thinks he's so smart. But then he lives a life of luxury, for a cat.. automatic litterbox, full food dish, full water dish, more toys than a cat should really have.. He's got it made. The boyfriend even bought him a big tube to play in at Lowe's the other day. It's actually a cardboard form for pouring concrete, but the monster uses it to hide in.
He sits inside with the tip of his tail sticking out, twitching.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Step it Up
It's been a good day. Tired, but good. I taught my second all day seminar today to a full room of people who have been with the University for years, some of them since before I was born. And they all responded positively to the class and gave me very positive evals at the end.
I am feeling pretty damn good about my decision to go back to school and work on my PhD, with my goal to be a professor someday. Don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I will.
In other news, I have 15 mosquito bites in a small space on my lower back where my shirt and pants separated while I was sitting in the hammock yesterday. Wouldnt you know, the one place I didn't saturate with OFF! Sheesh. I don't know why I seem to attract the damn things.
Tonight after work I went to dinner with a very dear friend who is very depressed, going through a bad time with a son who has turned moron all of a sudden, a grandchild on the way, and a boss who is retaliating against her for cooperating in the investigation by the EEOC of rampant sexual harrassment on the campus where she works. It's another friend of ours who brought the original lawsuit, and very soon now the proverbial shit will hit the fan. At any rate, my friend needs some cheering up. Me, some sushi, some wine, and some chocolate cake had almost succeeded, too, until we came home and into her husband's rotton mood. Oh well. I did try.
It was nice sitting out there, sipping a glass of riesling and eating sushi, looking at the sun set over the lake. I'd like to have a whole life of moments like that.
Or moments like the one right before I fell asleep last night. Sometimes life is really good.
I am feeling pretty damn good about my decision to go back to school and work on my PhD, with my goal to be a professor someday. Don't know how long it will take me to get there, but I will.
In other news, I have 15 mosquito bites in a small space on my lower back where my shirt and pants separated while I was sitting in the hammock yesterday. Wouldnt you know, the one place I didn't saturate with OFF! Sheesh. I don't know why I seem to attract the damn things.
Tonight after work I went to dinner with a very dear friend who is very depressed, going through a bad time with a son who has turned moron all of a sudden, a grandchild on the way, and a boss who is retaliating against her for cooperating in the investigation by the EEOC of rampant sexual harrassment on the campus where she works. It's another friend of ours who brought the original lawsuit, and very soon now the proverbial shit will hit the fan. At any rate, my friend needs some cheering up. Me, some sushi, some wine, and some chocolate cake had almost succeeded, too, until we came home and into her husband's rotton mood. Oh well. I did try.
It was nice sitting out there, sipping a glass of riesling and eating sushi, looking at the sun set over the lake. I'd like to have a whole life of moments like that.
Or moments like the one right before I fell asleep last night. Sometimes life is really good.
Monday, August 01, 2005
There's Always the Hammock
Another day at the office, which would have been pretty good if not for that one particular thorn in my flesh. She doesn't call every day, thank Jesus, but when she does call, she is full of recriminations and veiled threats and blame laying. More like blame slinging in her case, or plain mud slinging. She's a vicious, overpaid old biddy and I wish she'd go ahead and shuffle off into retirement where she and her flaming wig belong.
pant, pant
Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I must return to being ordinary and reasonable. I worked late, and came home to my delicious boyfriend who was cooking an almost-equally delicious dinner. After stuffing myself thoroughly with pasta and tomato garlic sauce, I took the excellent book my sister sent me (which I started reading on Sunday and am 3/4 through) and flopped into our semi-new hammock, surrounded by two good dogs who were curious about 2 things: 1) What was I doing hanging there and not petting them?? and 2) Did I have any food hiding in that hammock with me?
If not for the bugs, I would still be out there, though by now it would be too dark to see.
In other news, I should be finishing the story for the XJW board, but for some reason I can't seem to make myself go back to it. Feh.
But.. the best part of the day? That's later. A hot shower and sinking into a pillow top mattress with someone warm and cuddly.. :)
pant, pant
Ok, now that I have that out of my system, I must return to being ordinary and reasonable. I worked late, and came home to my delicious boyfriend who was cooking an almost-equally delicious dinner. After stuffing myself thoroughly with pasta and tomato garlic sauce, I took the excellent book my sister sent me (which I started reading on Sunday and am 3/4 through) and flopped into our semi-new hammock, surrounded by two good dogs who were curious about 2 things: 1) What was I doing hanging there and not petting them?? and 2) Did I have any food hiding in that hammock with me?
If not for the bugs, I would still be out there, though by now it would be too dark to see.
In other news, I should be finishing the story for the XJW board, but for some reason I can't seem to make myself go back to it. Feh.
But.. the best part of the day? That's later. A hot shower and sinking into a pillow top mattress with someone warm and cuddly.. :)
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