A List for Losers Like Me

Ok, time for another one of my lists. I'll let you figure this one out:

1) I like LEGAL Mexicans. Can I say that? I don't dislike Mexicans as a general rule (except the guys who follow me around in stores and suck their teeth and make rude comments in Spanish). But I don't particularly like anyone who breaks the law to come into this country and expects me (and other Americans) to pay for their health care/welfare/assistance benefits when my own mother and grandparents, Americans who have lived and worked and paid taxes here all their lives, are not given the same level of care or assistance.

2) I realize that nobody particularly cares what I think.. until there is some sort of drama to be caused. I won't go into too much detail, but apparently there is a mind reader here at the U who has taken it upon herself to interpret one cryptic remark and a facial expression, and take her interpretation to the world at large (most notably my coworkers and my boss, but this person is unable (read: too chicken) to take it up with me personally). Basically I feel like I've been thrown under the bus. But maybe it doesn't matter anyway. I make it a point never to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't say to their face.. If I had intended what this person twisted my facial expression to mean, believe me those involved would have already known about it.

It just goes to show.. no matter how smooth the sailing might seem, there are sharks under the water. Some of us attract more of them than others.

3) I have a great life. I really do. I can't complain about much, except my own seemingly uncontrollable BS. L (jokingly) says that I have Adult Onset Retardation. But the things that go on inside your own mind can make even the best life seem off somehow. I have a great job, for the most part.. but my inability to focus and get anything done has derailed me and made me miserable. I obsess over work to the point that I take the computer home and work all weekend because I feel guilty if I don't. I feel like I have to work twice as hard as everyone else in order to keep up, and then I get angry because I can't relax. I have a hard time even sitting back and watching a movie because I feel like I have to be doing something productive all the time. And no matter how hard or how long I work, I never get anything done. I've started having nightmares.. some of them extremely violent and disturbing.

I fill up every minute of time with projects, tasks, and obligations. Even my most relaxing activities (one of which involves Trigger and the other involves L) end up being strenuous in the extreme. I can't concentrate on anything. And the slightest hint that I might have done something wrong or screwed up or blinked at the wrong instant just sends me into a complete spin. Am I crazy? Stupid? Or just a factory second?

4) Who is John Galt, anyway?

5) I think I need a vacation.