A List for My Sister, the Queen of the World

I have no idea how to make this coherent. So it's a list.

1) Everybody has some image inside their head of who they want to be, or who they wish they were. Our mother always used to say that she wanted to be a lady; what she meant and never said, I think, was that she wanted to be like K. She has always been waiting for the day when she can be that, but that never happens. She's the fartherest thing I can think of from what she wants to be right now. Why is that? (I use mom as an example because she's a damn good example of this behavior..) I think it was Aristotle who said that we should do everyday what we want to be. Or something along that line.

I'm trying to figure out who I want to be. I'm almost there in terms of knowing. In terms of being, I've got a ways to go.. but even a shuffle is progress. Sometimes it isn't fun; sometimes it's downright hard and miserable. but it pays off. Does my sister know who my sister wants to be? Who is she inside, where she is her perfect self? Can she realize her real ambitions and goals and needs surrounded by people who don't know and don't care? Er... no.

But you can't tell people things like this. Not and have them listen. I think you're there right now, Slammie. I think it's time for you to decide who you are and where you're going. I think you should make a list of who you would be if you were perfectly you. What would you look like? What would you wear? How would you feel? How would your friends feel about you? What would you do every day? What and who is in your life that is holding you hostage and preventing you from even knowing who you are?

2) Change is good. But it hurts like a mofo, even if the change is a good one. Case in point, I know what kind of hell you went through when you and R split. I went through the same kind of hell over J. But both of us were better out of those relationships, albeit for different reasons. Both relationships were holding us back from being. We've both got the tendency to live for other people. We have to try harder than other people to overcome that, to hold on to our own identities, to be who we are even if we do want everyone to love us.

And we do okay for two bodacious women who were conditioned to override our own sense of right and wrong almost from birth. We came into adulthood with no idea where the fences should be between ourselves and others. We never had any idea what was appropriate and what wasn't. It's all about getting rid of that anxious feeling we get when we feel like other people don't approve of us or like us. It doesn't matter who those people might be, and whether or not they are worth our time.

The lesson that parents should teach their children above all else is that of personal responsibility.. that you are in charge of your own life, and come hell or high water, you're going to pay the price for your own actions or inactions in the end. You might as well live according to your own heart. We never learned that. We learned dependence and manipulation and sublime showmanship, but not personal responsibility and definitely not discipline, strangely enough. I am trying to teach myself discipline right now. (Amazing how much weakness we can tolerate in our friends and partners, and how little we tolerate in ourselves, isn't it?)

The point here? Change is hard. Unlearning all the crap that's holding you down is hard. But it's worth it.

3) Tough love is a bitch. I know it's important, but it has to be tempered with love and compassion and common sense. In that spirit.. BOHICA.

A lot of happiness can come from relationships with friends and others, and a lot of misery as well. Like me, you've got an amazing talent for picking the wrong people to surround yourself with. I've discovered that I do this for several reasons: a) I feel sorry for the person and/or I want to save/reform/help them in some way, b) They seem to adore me and think I'm great, and that makes me feel good, until I realize that they're codependents who eventually always decide that something is wrong with anyone who would hang out with them, or c) They're there, so I figure I might as well.

I've learned to be very conscious about choosing my friends. The main question is "Do I want to be like this person, or does this person want to be like me?" If the person is someone you'd like to be like, then good. If not, run screaming in the other direction. There are people in the world who will build you up, and there are others who will do their best to hold you down. It may sound shallow, may sound bitchy. Whatever. I'll own it. So I'm a bitch who thinks that not everyone deserves my friendship. Yep. That's about right.

So let's take a look at your choices right now, shall we? A beautiful but mostly insane woman in her thirties who still behaves like an 18-year-old cocaine addicted exotic dancer... Another beautiful but mostly insane woman in her forties who expects you to read her mind and satisfy her every desire, who denigrates you at every opportunity and misses no chance to tell you what a loser you are.. A dorky looking line cook who deals drugs on the side and has been violent toward you, not to mention his disrespectful attitude toward you and his actions of last night... Some club-hopping jerk who throws shoes at you and calls you names... need I go on? Do ANY of these people know or care who you really are, and who you want to be?

UM... NO.

You are so much better than that.

Step one is deciding who you are going to be. Step two is flushing, exfoliating, and exorcising all of that shit from your life. Step three is deciding which direction you're headed in and what method of transport will take you where you want to go the fastest. Step four is buying in, getting on the bus, and not looking back. It's all cake from there.

I'm hoping one of these days I can get myself and my damn suitcase on the bus. ;)

Hang in there, Kiiiiyyyum
I love you more than I've ever been able to say.
Seriously, you're the best, no matter how many times you farted on my pillow when we were kids. : D