He Said It

Marriage Made in Hell, Part Deux

Are we noticing the same things? Like for instance that the bridesmaids in all of these pictures are the same people?? And that these dresses look like Frankenstein creations.. like some seamstress collected dead bridesmaid dress parts and slapped them all together for this snazzy look.. chintz like the curtains at the Holiday Inn and a velvet short sleeved bodice.. but the bodice had a scoop neck and showed arms so to prevent any impure thoughts, they had to tack on a high collar and long sleeves..
Even on the baby's dress.. ! That toddler is my sister, by the way. That dress now graces a ragdoll in my mother's storage shed. Note the supermodel on the left with the enormous hair.. you will be seeing her again in a future installment of MMiH.
This is probably the most dressed-up I have ever seen my grandparents. I am totally diggin the groovy powder blue tuxedos.. and we all know how I feel about nylon formal dresses, so.. do I really need to go there? I love Gm's corsage in this pic though. And the Marge Simpson 'do.

Who's Counting

I'm feeling pretty good about life at the moment, despite a momentary lapse into self-doubt and depression earlier in the week. I do that every so often.. start thinking negatively and it snowballs and pretty soon I'm slogging around in a gray funk, snapping at everyone and hiding from mirrors and imagining myself as some angry, gelatinous, unlovable hulk.

And then I remember that God likes me anyway, and so does my horse. And people who are shallow enough that they would expect anyone to be perfect in every way all the time (the things I expect from myself 99% of the time) are not really people I'd care to surround myself with, if you catch my drift. Now I could go further down that road, and wonder what that says about me, whether I am one of those people.. but I'd rather write a list instead.

(As an aside, L says that no one can live their lives based on a list. I replied that if I didn't write so many lists, I'd never remember anything.)

1) Schick's Intuition razor is the most excellent hygeine product I have ever tried. Seriously, it makes the pain in the @-- chore of shaving one's legs very very easy and my legs feel so good right now, i could almost swear they're not mine.

2) Trigger is an excellent horse. Have I said that before? I took him on a 3 hour trail ride, his first in a month, and he did so good!! I know that's gramatically incorrect and I should say so well but good is what he did, so there.

3) And Ok, I will post the second installment of the Marriage Made in Hell before I leave for NC in the morning. I will be out of town until the 28th, so the Junction won't be updated after tonight. See you after Christmas...

A Marriage Made in Hell- Part 1

In answer to numerous requests.. here is part one in a series of truly frightening wedding photos, culled from decades of snapshots that have been sitting in a box somewhere for ages. Our first example is this monstrosity.. Peach Nylon. This dress looks like a nightgown. And the flowers are fake. In fact, I think this same bouquet graced the top of our bookshelf, then later the entertainment center for at least 15 years after this wedding took place. Check out the matching clump of "silk" flowers on her head. I have no idea whose wedding this is, but whoever it was had awful taste.. either that or a vendetta against everyone in the wedding party. Honestly, can you think of a fabric that is as unflattering to anyone's figure than NYLON??? Note the spiffy matching peach tux. It gives me nightmares.
And here we have Farmer Johnson's four unmarried daughters, dragged out of bed to hold some flowers for a photo op. My mother is second from the left, and doesn't look half bad, considering the hideous dress. I remember playing dress up with this one as well, for years and years before finally figuring out that the ugly was rubbing off. Note the shadow of the photographer in the left corner. Or is that a suitor admiring the Farmer's daughters from afar, out of range of the Farmer's shotgun? Hard to tell, really. I don't know whose wedding this was either.
This, children, is what we thought of when someone said "floppy" in the old days before computers. There must have been a scene at the Parlor Bridal Store when the bride realized that there was only one bridesmaid dress left in her color of choice, and that her other two hapless bridesmaids and flower girl would have to wear a totally different color. And the tuxedo store didn't have pink to match them, either. So 1/4 of the wedding party doesn't match. Oh well, maybe no one will notice...

This was the height of JW society weddings.. A KH wedding. I can think of no place less romantic, less aesthetically pleasing, less amenable to thoughts of wedding-night bliss than a Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses. Especially back in the old days, when there was no decorating committee for new KHs, who ensured a harmonious (if dated) color scheme. Back then the Sisters in the congregation decorated the Hall.. with homemade curtains and chairs salvaged from condemned movie theatres (but NEVER pews! Pews are pagan!).

Check back soon for another installment. I have some real doozies for you next time!

Not Cute At All

I know this is a departure from the cute pictures of late, but sometimes the past is more horrid than you remembered. Such is the case here: The Grandparents haven't changed that much. Gf has gained some weight, for sure, and Gm has lost some. But they still dress the same and look pretty much the same. Some people are Universal. I, however, am not.

The Yellow Bow of Doom is once again in evidence. This picture was taken in New York and I thought I was Hot Stuff because on this particular day, I got away with wearing PANTS on the tour!!! Several older "brothers" tried to call me a boy because they felt my wearing pants was inappropriate, but I dazzled them into stunned silence with my Yellow Bow and my Enormous Bangs. They were simply no match for me. Note that I resemble a Checker Cab in that sweater.

I was about 14-15 in this picture. The Big Bangs are still in evidence, but are apparently on the decline. Or else they've just been defeated by a day of scrubbing the horse (who NEVER got completely clean and always rolled in the mud afterward anyway) and shoveling out the barn.

The horse is Amara, a 3/4 Polish, 1/4 Egyptian Arabian mare who enjoyed keeping me on my toes. I loved that horse much more than any boyfriend I ever had (at that age, anyway. That doesnt include L, naturally). If I had known better, I would have put some sunscreen on her nose.. she has a sunburn in this picture. Amara kept me out of a lot of trouble, I think. And helped me get into some, too. ;-)

The Hills Are Alive.. WIth Old Lady Haircuts

Marriage and childbearing must have really aged my mother. She seems to have converted to full-coverage hyper-modesty the second my sister was born. I think the hairstyle she is going for here is either the Sound of Music or Jane Eyre.. or perhaps an ear-covering combination thereof. Her skin looks lovely though.. even though it's hard to look past the puffed sleeves and the giant neck-bow to notice.

Dad looks badly in need of a nap and a haircut. Little Kimmy has the most adorable arms I have ever seen in this picture. I just want to pinch them.

And then.. this happened. A few years later we see that Dad took his nap and got his haircut. The super-wide tie and its double windsor knot are quite retro. Mom has aged dramatically. This is the first picture with a hint of the downturned-smile that she later became famous for. You know it.. the excuse for a smile that says "I am doing this under duress. I am actually exquisitely miserable and you should feel terrible about yourself for ever expecting me to actually smile." This may have been brought on by the gigantic glasses that are threatening to eat her entire face and the fact that she added a huge neck-bow and polyester blouse to the kicky little ensemble she was wearing at 26. (See "Once Upon a Time.." posted a few days ago).

"Kimmy" is snaggletoothed and adorable. I look vaguely confused and badly in need of a latte. "How did I get here? What's going on? Can somebody direct me to the nearest Starbucks??" Only we didn't have Starbucks back then.

Wow, it really must have been worse than we remember, huh? ;-)

Bathing Beauties and Other Oddities

Would you ever think that these two would grow up to be pin-up girls? Yeah, they were wild women from the start.. their own grandmother decided that they were "Arabian mares in heat" when at the tender age of 17 or so they wanted to shave their legs and trade their pinafores and lace collars for straight skirts and big hair. Ah, such is life.

This picture was taken before most of the splashing commenced.

This is my sister, in costume. You might think this was a Halloween costume, only we never celebrated Halloween. Or it could be a costume for a play or a school event, except that we weren't allowed to do any extra-curricular activities at that age. No, dear readers, this get-up was what my sister was required to wear as a flower girl in someone's wedding. You should see the atrocities worn by the bridesmaids!

And the ginormous hat worn by the bride defied gravity. One of these days I will post some Wedding Pictures from the Planet Ugly... even if I can't remember whose weddings they were (if I was even born at the time), the pictures are unbelievable.

Un. be. lievable.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

I've got a major project to finish this week, before Christmas. Oy. I planned on completing it this weekend, but that didn't happen. MM visited, though, and it was really cool to see him. He is loading horses and taking them home to Darlington today.

I'm feeling like sleeping today, not working. I'm listening to Michael Buble and trying to get in the mood to be productive, but I'm not really sure that's ever going to happen today.

I went to see TO in the hospital Friday. He's doing well and will probably go home today.

I went dancing with Margo (not her real name) Friday night. That was a ton of fun.. Some Italian guy tried to pick her up.. he was definitely not attractive, but he dressed well. We left him at the bar looking disappointed. ;)

Later: More pics from the musty archives.

Once Upon a Time..

Here we have our parents' wedding reception, before we were ever thought of. It was held in the K-ville Woman's Club, where every wedding reception, shower, graduation, or event was held. Even the Hee Haw party. I remember that place as being very echoey and always full of dusty sunlight.. and there was always a little bowl of pastel mints sitting on a table somewhere. Dad looks too young to shave and mom looks young and alive and non-frumpy.. even though Gm did make her dress.
Here's that dress now.. old, yellowed, and the victim of my childhood dress up trunk for years. It now hangs in my craft room closet alongside my ball-and-chain halloween costume and a suit which is too small for me, but which I can't bring myself to get rid of. (Gawd that was an atrocious sentence, but oh well.)

And then... this happened. On the back of this picture, my mother wrote that she was 26 years old when it was taken. Now, I ask you, does this look like a 26-year-old woman? She dyed her hair gray for chrissakes! She almost looks younger than that now! But oh, it got much much worse. Trust me, you'll see.. I have more pictures to post. But I will save them for later.

Note that this is possibly the only picture in existence in which her arms are bare and she is actually sporting a v-neckline and not a chicken-neck collared blouse and jacket that covers every possible centimeter of skin. The scarf is kind of kicky and completely out of character. Cute, but unusual for her. I would love to be able to go back in time and give her a good strong talking to. "Girra, we gon hafta do sumpin' bout dis. You cain go roun lookin like dat. It jest wrong."

Hmm, if our childhood was such a comedy of errors, can you imagine what hers must have been like?? LOL I shudder to think...

Edited to say that she is pretty lovable, frumpiness notwithstanding. She drives us insane, but she is lovable. For every crazy, neurotic thing she has done, she has done something equally sweet and she has loved us with everything she had. She's just ... weird and she can't help it.

A Few Questions

Yesterday was largely unremarkable. Today looks like more of the same. Trigger is doing better, though not ready to ride just yet. And I...

I have a list of very good questions:

1) Why on earth are there so many stupid, stupid, stupid commercials on TV right now? There are several that just make me want to vomit on impact. At the very least, I'd rather trim my toenails with my teeth than buy their products! "Honey, the pizza guy made a mistake AGAIN! I got three pizzas for the price of ONE!" delivered by a pasty looking white guy with bad hair who is hugging pizza boxes and weaving back and forth in some ecstatic butt-shaking pizza dance. The best part is when it shows the rest of the "family" while they're chowing on the pizza.. there is no way that beautiful woman would ever marry such a putz. I am embarrassed for her that she had to be in a commercial with him. Bleah.

2) Why would anyone buy cheap furniture that they don't start paying for until 2008? I mean, come on, think, people! By the time you start paying for it a) you owe more in interest than you paid for the furniture, and b) the cheap crap you bought has already fallen apart, been shredded by the cat, or has otherwise taken its place on the curb beside the garbage cans. Now you're stuck paying.. and paying... and paying for something that's already used up, and now you are without decent furniture again. Stupid commercials, for stupid people, I guess. (The lesson here is to spend the money for quality merchandise.. it's better to get rid of something because you are tired of it and can afford something new than because it has fallen apart).

3) Does anyone like the new McDonald's ad campaign? I guess it's not really new.. they've been doing the "I'm lovin it" thing for a while now. I rolled my eyes over the "salad poetry" thing they were doing, but the latest ones I've seen are just ...mentally challenged. The girl in the commercial is attractive enough. I'll give her that. She's kinda funky and cool. But I swear if I ever saw anyone making those facial expressions and doing that stupid head-bob dance over fast food, I think I'd have to call the nice young men in their clean white coats to come and take her away, ha ha. The ranch dressing coating her lips in the last frame is just disgusting to me for some reason. I mean it literally makes my stomach turn. Don't know why. It's just gross.

Oy.

My questions ended abruptly when I looked out the window just now and saw a man walking through the parking lot in what looked like a bathrobe. He was way too old to be a student, and maybe it was a very peculiar trenchcoat thing he was wearing.. but it certainly looked like pajamas and a bathrobe to me.

God I love working at college. ;-D

Higher and Deeper

I never believed the old saying about a PhD standing for "piled higher and deeper" until today. Wow. It's as if an advanced degree immediately imbues the recipient with a boundless ego, an incredible sense of superiority, and a gross belief in entitlement. Oh, and arrogance is a character trait to be cultivated. *insert eye roll here*

Sheesh. Today was a small nightmare. That's all I have to say about that.

I'm going to see Trigger. He is sending telepathic messages that he wants petting and his foot needs a soak.

The Attack of the Giant Hairbow and Other Abnormalities

This is almost a compulsion now. Seriously. Cracks me up, too. Here we have my baptism photo. The girl beside me is named Amaryllis. We sat beside each other during the "babtizum" talk. I was 12 and she was 13. In fact, I turned 12 exactly 12 days before the assembly where I was dunked. I also got counseled for my "immodest" bathing suit, pictured here, when we got back to our home congregation. I ask you, how much more "modest" can a bathing suit be?? Should I have worn woolen pants and a burqa, perhaps? Or maybe a wetsuit? No, a wetsuit would be too tight and therefore revealing. Like it matters when you are 12 and have no figure to speak of anyway!

And come to think of it (not that it matters).. I think I was the only white person there.

So.. anyway, this is photographic evidence of the single biggest mistake I ever made in my life. I got baptized for real (i.e. NOT as a JW) in 2004, but there are no pictures of that one. Just as well.. that was between me and God, and not an indefinite contract binding me in perpetual servitude to a publishing company.

And here we have another classic B. I was 10 or 11 here, probably shortly after my mother bought my first bra. There should be a law that once you have a training bra, you can no longer wear giant bows in your hair. In fact, giant bows should be outlawed on general principle, unless you are some sort of Victorian era child model, or a civil war reenactor or something. And then only under close supervision.

The facial expression in this pic says it all. Just like a lot of my childhood photos, when I was being suffocated by my mother. No, I don't feel like smiling, and no matter what you say you aren't going to make me. Take the damn picture already, if you must. This problem was compounded because I was a very grave and serious child who demanded to be taken very very seriously at all times. This seldom if ever happened.

I mean, look at me, for chrissakes! Who can expect to be taken seriously with a ginormous yellow bow threatening to swallow her head?

Tipping the Scales

Ah, the weekend. It was great, but it's over. Story of my life.
Things that happened this weekend:

1) We went grocery shopping.

2) Our house is clean.

3) Trigger's foot is still sore, but he can sure stand still with one leg in a bucket. He's getting really good at that.

4) A1, A2, and A3, as well as C1 have made a reappearance! Yay! They came over last night for chili and cornbread. A1 and I drank almost 2 whole bottles of wine. Oy.

5) This is for S.. C1 is as cute as ever, only now he has started wearing eyeliner in hopes of charming the folks at Hot Topic into giving him a job. He looks very pretty in it. But rest assured his orientation has not changed and he is as girl crazy as ever.

In other news, I went to the gym today, as I have needed to do for months. Hopefully I can stick with it, because let me tell you, I have started to avoid mirrors. I don't like the way this extra weight looks, and I hate the way it feels. L has disastrously unhealthy eating habits (carb-laden meals at 9 pm) that are bad enough for him, but catastrophic for me. No more, I'm telling you. I'm done. By my birthday, I will see 120 pounds again.

Watch me.

More Ancient Pictues for My Sister

I took Monster to the vet today... He was very unhappy with this state of affairs, and yowled his discontent loudly all the way to the office and the entire time we were there. The staff were all laughing at him because his yowls are so expressive.. and he's so freakin cute. He was a hit with the vet's office for sure. He weighs 12.4 pounds and is a very healthy cat.

So with that update out of the way, it's time for more ancient pictures from the archives... Here I am with Little Miss Muffinhead, probably less than a month old. This is a rare picture from that year. I didn't allow a great number to be taken that year. I had truly horrible hair. Not to mention the graduation from Peter Pan collars to gigantic lacy ones like those my mother wore (still wears.. shudder).
Here's another.. "Keeeyum" in her very "worldly" denim skirt (It was down to her knees for chrissakes!). You know, if you reverse the last 3 letters of denim you get demin!!! Wear denim to the meeting and you're jest axkin to get demonized!!! Kathy gave me her red suit later on.. I wore it for years before my a$$ got too big. It was too old for me, but it didn't have a lace collar, and I was eternally grateful.
Now this is a classic picture!! Everybody looks pretty miserable, huh? What ya wanna bet we were headed to another assembly??? Oh, and all of the major 80s JW requirements are met.. huge collar- check! Giant bows- check! Stockings- check! Boufy, brillo hair- check! Ginormous glasses- check! Strangely shaped dress that involves some sort of hip-emphasizing peplum overskirt thingie- check! We're ready to roll!!!

Trigger-nometry

Here's my boy, with a sore hoof. He's actually standing on the one that's sore in this pic.. so he's doing better. I still can't ride him for a while, though. :(

He's so cute. His winter coat is fully grown in, and it's the longest I've ever seen on a horse. He's actually kind of fluffy. It's adorable. :)

Later: Maybe some more pics from the past. Then again, Maybe not. You'll have to come back to see...

Zebra Project Live!!

Here we are doing a sound check...
And here we are during the show.. We were quite a big hit! I was surprised.
So.. there it is. The first big show has happened. Now it's on to the next adventure, right?

What Day Is It Again??

Tonight is the big show that ZP has been practicing for the last few months. Let's hope all goes well, despite the numerous crises that have already beset us.. MS's wife is sick, ME has tried to quit, CJ has dropped all his equipment on the floor a couple times, and I have been busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.

Trigger's hoof is still sore.. Mr Maw is soaking it every night, and TO has taken the offending shoe off. I'm hoping to go visit him tomorrow.

I promise a better, more interesting blog tomorrow, when the show will be over (and hopefully there will be pics). Until then, I'll be working frantically to make a deadline...

Bang

Reasons why I would like to shoot myself right now:

1) Trigger has an abscessed hoof and is feeling terrible. TO had to remove his shoe, lance his hoof, and drain it. He's dosed up with banamine and hopefully if we soak it in epsom salts every day, it will be better soon. But still.

2) MS is going through a crisis with his wife and a cancer scare. This is terrible news. All you Christians who read this better be praying for them.

3) I have a presentation on wednesday and I am woefully unprepared for it. But I havent been able to work on it because of all of the deadlines. I am going to have to have a talk with my boss.. I am so overloaded that I can't maintain the work anymore. I hate being sloppy, but that's the only way to get to it all anymore.

4) In fact, I didn't even break for lunch today. Grrrrr...

5) Did I mention that I'm supposed to be hosting a Tupperware party on Dec 9? Ha! I don't see that one happening, do you???

I'm going to take a break now. Not a long one, mind you, but I do definitely need one.

I'm Tired. Here's More Pics.

Here we have the Dynamic Duo, the surest recipe for trouble the world has ever seen. W was my bestest friend for almost my entire childhood. We had so much fun together, trying to fish in mud puddles and drainage ditches, chasing each other with worms, frogs, nets, tricycles, pitchforks, and anything else someone was willing to be chased with. This pic looks like a postcard or something. It's just that cute. These two pics are rarities in our collection.. so cute your teeth rot on impact. W's pants are too short, too.

Then we have... this. I may have been four or five in this picture, and already a horse nut. This is pretty much what I look like now, only with boobs and without the dress. And now the horse is much, much taller. And his mane hasn't fallen out. Note the fab avocado green decor.. avocado tablecloth, avocado shag carpet.. and the requisite curlicued picture frame and oil lamp that to my knowledge was never filled nor lit. It was just... there, to make our house look like some sort of avocado green version of Miss Kitty's boudoir.. or at the very least, something out of "Gunsmoke." Note also the snazzy red knee socks. I still love wildly colored fluffy socks.. my sock drawer is stuffed beyond capacity with them. The strawberry print jumper, not so much. Note once again the peter pan collar. Just saying.

My Weekend in the Woods

Well here it is. Mom's house. Note the new ramp for the wheelchair. I arrived Tuesday evening, and GF brought home KFC for the occasion, a special thing according to Mom (the leg and thigh bucket, but special nonetheless). I felt bad telling them that I couldn't eat KFC, so I ate it anyway, and suffered the consequences. I don't think I have been that sick since.. well since the last time I consumed that much grease. Breakfast the next morning was eggs fried in butter and ham grease, with red-eye gravy (translated: grease) and biscuits, which my GF was picked on relentlessly for burning in the toaster oven. According to Mom, he burns everything he cooks. According to mom, he doesn't do anything right, and won't "do anything around the house" just to spite them apparently. Never mind that he is 81 years old and can't stand up without wobbling like one of the weeble people.
Indiana is looking like a stately old lady these days. She is such a good dog. But she is not happy with the state of affairs as they are now.. Not happy at all. She follows Mom's wheelchair as far as she can (she isn't allowed into the house).
Here's Mom on the phone. She's quite a piece of work, let me tell you. She had another appointment on Wednesday which she neglected to tell me about until we were on the highway, about to turn off to go to the main doc's office.. across town from where she wanted to go first. This of course made me furious because I didn't have directions to this other place, and she had plenty of time to tell me before we left, and didn't. Anyway, she seemed to do whatever she could to induce stress.. refusing to wait to try and stand up from the wheelchair until I could get her walker in position, bellowing every time a transfer truck got withing 100 feet of us on the highway, reminding me of the speed limit every 4.2 seconds, and then bringing up "abandonment issues" and "sexual abuse" and being generally melodramatic about any and every thing. I love her.. she just wears me out. And that's before she starts on the "give me five years!!' speech.

"Give me five years" is what she says when she wants someone to walk away from their entire life for the next five years to do nothing but wait on her, cook her food, and empty her bedpan. I'm sorry, but I am not a primary caretaker. I can't physically or mentally handle the stress of doing that hands-on. There are home health people that come there to help, as well as a nurse and a physical therapist. Sure, it would be great if they had someone 24-7, but I can't be that person. I tried to explain to her how unfair and absolutely insane it was to ask me or my sister to give up getting married, having children, graduate school, a career, everything to do something that would make us want to commit suicide within 3 days!

I will be there for her in any way I can, but she fights me every step of the way, and I cannot be what she wants. Even if I tried, I would never get it right enough for her, just like GF.

Speaking of whom.. He had some skin lesions removed from his head. I don't think they were cancer, but the doc wanted them off just in case.

This picture makes me sad, because every time I look at it, I think why why why didn't they plan for retirement so they could have enough money to live on without scraping???

And here's mom's world these days.. recliner, potty chair, walker, and wheelchair. The good news is that she has a new surgeon at Duke who is willing to fix her hip. He said that he can do the surgery 4-6 weeks from now, depending on whether or not she has cleared the MRSA infection, and how high they can get her blood counts in that time.

All in all, it was a good trip, I guess, gastronomic difficulties and stress notwithstanding. I must have moved a ton of furniture and boxes in the shed getting out the wicker furniture for the sunroom. Mom was shouting directions from her perch on the golf cart ("don't do this! No! DO that! Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhaarrrrrrggggghhh!). Grandmother asked me to move a cast iron daybed (OMG it weighed more than the SUV I was driving!) and then a huge rock the size of a tabletop. After the bed, I said that ain't gonna happen today. I now understand GF.. they are asking for feats of superhuman strength for one person to accomplish, and when someone says no, well, they "refuse to help." Aha. I understand now.

Needless to say, I almost cried when I got home, so happy was I to be there.

Yesterday I went Christmas shopping. Today I am going riding, if Trigger is feeling up to it. He has been under the weather with a nail in his hoof from being shod. The farrier pulled it yesterday and Mr Maw soaked the foot for me. Hopefully Trig will be back to normal today, so I can ride with the group.

L isn't up yet.. He is sleeping in, amazingly enough.. I am the one who woke up early today, for some reason. :)