Gracie was put down today. There was nothing else they could do; she wasn't healing.
I didn't go. I can't handle any more drama at the moment, and I didn't want to watch her die.
She was the best horse I've ever ridden or worked with, and I will miss her. : (
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
It Keeps Getting Crazier...
Okay, I am nearing my bullshit limit for this decade already. Most of it has happened this week.
Yesterday H called me, ranting and raving and cursing me for no apparent reason. According to the message she left on my voice mail, my friendship is no big loss, she knows I am just ignoring the phone calls she has not made (neither I nor my cell phone company has any record of the calls she said she made to my phone), and I am... a quite impressive string of profanities.
I called her back, since this was all news to me, to find that she is spitting pea soup over a book that she loaned me. A book I have every intention of returning. As I told her in the letter that will accompany said book via UPS, she has never had anything I want.
Furthermore, she told me (the only time she has called me, as a matter of fact) that she wasn't in any rush for the book, and that I could bring it by the next time I came out that way. I haven't been out there since. And I could give a flying fuck what she thinks anyway.
Jeezus! What, do I have some sort of psycho-magnet embedded somewhere? I keep attracting them like nobody's business. I'm more than a little bit sick of it, to tell the truth. Pfft.
Anyway the hurricane is over, and I haven't heard from my sister. Mom says that she is okay, so I imagine that her phone does not work. I am wondering what the situation is with S and the nutcase. ..
Yesterday H called me, ranting and raving and cursing me for no apparent reason. According to the message she left on my voice mail, my friendship is no big loss, she knows I am just ignoring the phone calls she has not made (neither I nor my cell phone company has any record of the calls she said she made to my phone), and I am... a quite impressive string of profanities.
I called her back, since this was all news to me, to find that she is spitting pea soup over a book that she loaned me. A book I have every intention of returning. As I told her in the letter that will accompany said book via UPS, she has never had anything I want.
Furthermore, she told me (the only time she has called me, as a matter of fact) that she wasn't in any rush for the book, and that I could bring it by the next time I came out that way. I haven't been out there since. And I could give a flying fuck what she thinks anyway.
Jeezus! What, do I have some sort of psycho-magnet embedded somewhere? I keep attracting them like nobody's business. I'm more than a little bit sick of it, to tell the truth. Pfft.
Anyway the hurricane is over, and I haven't heard from my sister. Mom says that she is okay, so I imagine that her phone does not work. I am wondering what the situation is with S and the nutcase. ..
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Who am I kidding? It's never enough.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment, with two family operas playing out at the same time. My mother's brothers and sister want to auction my mother's house and belongings and move her and the grandparents somewhere.. as if she's dead or retarded or something and can't decide for herself what she wants to do.
One common thread with both situations is that no one in my family has any idea what normal is, or that there are supposed to be boundaries between people. My sister, for instance, is convinced that she can change S's mind about everything that she has said to B.
S is a kid. She doesn't understand the ramifications of any of what has happened, and she shouldn't have to. My sister has unintentionally shot herself in the foot on this, because B heard some of the things she was saying to S while he was on the phone. Of course she didn't mean a word of it. That doesn't change the fact that it could be very damaging to her.
Oh, but I'm the bitch when I try to tell her what he's trying to do. Damn it, she needs to know and act before he has a chance to ruin her chances of getting S back. Add to this the fact that he's trying to use my conversation with him as ammunition against her. I have not "decided" anything with him, and I am NOT "on his side." I do think I am the only one who has S's interests firmly in mind here.
I don't think she is better off with B, but I don't think my sister's house is the best place for her either, right now.. not if things like what happened the night before last continue to happen. And that was by no means the first time it's been knock-down-drag-out in Samiland.
S is also playing this for all it's worth. She is too young to know what that could mean for her, and for her mother. But there is no way to change the way she sees this. At this point anything my sister says to her is going to be clouded by a million different distortions, and she's up there being love-bombed.. and she's still a baby. She doesn't get it and probably won't until she's much older, if indeed she ever does.
This whole thing makes me sick.
I'm very tired and not sure how I am supposed to help my sister. I can't in good conscience say that what happened the other night was "nothing." Neither can I side with B.. he's still kind of nuts; that hasn't changed. And I don't take kindly to being used by anyone for any purpose.
Meh. I'm going to watch football with L.
One common thread with both situations is that no one in my family has any idea what normal is, or that there are supposed to be boundaries between people. My sister, for instance, is convinced that she can change S's mind about everything that she has said to B.
S is a kid. She doesn't understand the ramifications of any of what has happened, and she shouldn't have to. My sister has unintentionally shot herself in the foot on this, because B heard some of the things she was saying to S while he was on the phone. Of course she didn't mean a word of it. That doesn't change the fact that it could be very damaging to her.
Oh, but I'm the bitch when I try to tell her what he's trying to do. Damn it, she needs to know and act before he has a chance to ruin her chances of getting S back. Add to this the fact that he's trying to use my conversation with him as ammunition against her. I have not "decided" anything with him, and I am NOT "on his side." I do think I am the only one who has S's interests firmly in mind here.
I don't think she is better off with B, but I don't think my sister's house is the best place for her either, right now.. not if things like what happened the night before last continue to happen. And that was by no means the first time it's been knock-down-drag-out in Samiland.
S is also playing this for all it's worth. She is too young to know what that could mean for her, and for her mother. But there is no way to change the way she sees this. At this point anything my sister says to her is going to be clouded by a million different distortions, and she's up there being love-bombed.. and she's still a baby. She doesn't get it and probably won't until she's much older, if indeed she ever does.
This whole thing makes me sick.
I'm very tired and not sure how I am supposed to help my sister. I can't in good conscience say that what happened the other night was "nothing." Neither can I side with B.. he's still kind of nuts; that hasn't changed. And I don't take kindly to being used by anyone for any purpose.
Meh. I'm going to watch football with L.
Friday, October 21, 2005
As if that wasn't enough...
Right now I am glad that L feels the same way about his family that I do about mine most of the time (that we must have been adopted or something). Hopefully he won't run screaming away from me over this latest. I love my family very much, but sometimes I marvel at their choices and their paths in life. I wonder how people with the same blood can make such completely opposite choices and screw their lives so completely.
My grandmother is still in the hospital, and the doctors refuse to do surgery because she won't take blood transfusions. It's likely that she's going to hurt herself again when they send her home, hip still broken. They are doing nothing for her and she is adamant about not accepting blood transfusions.
My great aunt is having surgery next week to remove a kidney that is cancerous. She is feuding with her son, who lives next door, and she is afraid that she will be alone when she has the surgery. My mother, the orthopedic disaster and Parkinson's patient, wants to go down to Georgia and be with her. Mom doesn't realize that she won't be able to help very much if anything does happen, because she can hardly walk.
And she wants me to drive 4 hours to NC to pick her up, another 4 hours back here from NC, then 1 1/2 hours to Georgia, and then 1 1/2 hours back to my house... that's 11 hours of driving she wants me to do in one day. And I am hearing no offers of gas money.
My sister sounds like she has completely fallen apart. And I don't blame her for being in serious pain right now. My neice called the cops on her last night, and as I type this, she's getting ready to go live with her biological father, who is a redneck nutcase, if I remember correctly.
The thing is, I can understand my neice being freaked out.. my sister can be terrifying when she's had enough to drink. But my neice has also lived with her for her entire life and she knows what to expect. But she's a child who thinks she's grown, as all 15-year-old girls do. She made a mistake deciding to go live with B, and she will probably regret it.
My sister is, as I said, falling apart. She is going to lose her job, and now she's by herself. She says that she hates my neice, but I know she doesn't. She's just in a spin right now. that doesn't change the damage that's been done. I am worried about what she will do now. It has seemed to me for a long time that S was the only thing holding my sister on course.
I really worry about her and I know that there isn't much I can do, except wonder how this happened, and be there when she wants to talk.
My grandmother is still in the hospital, and the doctors refuse to do surgery because she won't take blood transfusions. It's likely that she's going to hurt herself again when they send her home, hip still broken. They are doing nothing for her and she is adamant about not accepting blood transfusions.
My great aunt is having surgery next week to remove a kidney that is cancerous. She is feuding with her son, who lives next door, and she is afraid that she will be alone when she has the surgery. My mother, the orthopedic disaster and Parkinson's patient, wants to go down to Georgia and be with her. Mom doesn't realize that she won't be able to help very much if anything does happen, because she can hardly walk.
And she wants me to drive 4 hours to NC to pick her up, another 4 hours back here from NC, then 1 1/2 hours to Georgia, and then 1 1/2 hours back to my house... that's 11 hours of driving she wants me to do in one day. And I am hearing no offers of gas money.
My sister sounds like she has completely fallen apart. And I don't blame her for being in serious pain right now. My neice called the cops on her last night, and as I type this, she's getting ready to go live with her biological father, who is a redneck nutcase, if I remember correctly.
The thing is, I can understand my neice being freaked out.. my sister can be terrifying when she's had enough to drink. But my neice has also lived with her for her entire life and she knows what to expect. But she's a child who thinks she's grown, as all 15-year-old girls do. She made a mistake deciding to go live with B, and she will probably regret it.
My sister is, as I said, falling apart. She is going to lose her job, and now she's by herself. She says that she hates my neice, but I know she doesn't. She's just in a spin right now. that doesn't change the damage that's been done. I am worried about what she will do now. It has seemed to me for a long time that S was the only thing holding my sister on course.
I really worry about her and I know that there isn't much I can do, except wonder how this happened, and be there when she wants to talk.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Naptime
I talked to grandmother today. No word yet on the doctors' decision about her hip. Hopefully they'll decide something soon.
I've been so tired all day; I sort of slogged through the day, dreaming about coming home and curling up with L for a nice nap before dinner. Which is precisely what I did. He cooked spaghetti, we watched NCSI, and now I am getting ready to go back to bed.
He has several other shows that he wants to watch tonight.. Lucky him. He doesn't have to get up at 5 am. I wish he felt like going to bed.. he is incredibly nice to sleep with. But I had my snuggle and my nap, so I can't really complain much.
I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I feel awfully achy and weak though, and my stomach hurts. I don't want to be sick. : So I am going to bed now.
I've been so tired all day; I sort of slogged through the day, dreaming about coming home and curling up with L for a nice nap before dinner. Which is precisely what I did. He cooked spaghetti, we watched NCSI, and now I am getting ready to go back to bed.
He has several other shows that he wants to watch tonight.. Lucky him. He doesn't have to get up at 5 am. I wish he felt like going to bed.. he is incredibly nice to sleep with. But I had my snuggle and my nap, so I can't really complain much.
I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I feel awfully achy and weak though, and my stomach hurts. I don't want to be sick. : So I am going to bed now.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Drama, Drama, Melodrama
This weekend has been an exercise in endurance.
I went to take my mother to her doctor's appointment in Virginia, but the doctor called and rescheduled for Tuesday, which would be impossible for me to do. So it ended up being a visit. I drove up saturday, hung over and sleepy already. I hung out with Mom for a while, and then we went to dinner. Grandmother and grandfather didn't want to go with us, so they stayed down by the bonfire (they had been burning brush all day as they love to do) as the moon came up.
When we got back they were sitting in the living room, grandfather slumped over the kitchen table asleep, and grandmother lying in the automatic recliner. While down by the fire an hour or so earlier, grandmother had somehow broken her leg and fallen. Luckily she didn't fall into the fire.
It was weird.. here was grandmother obviously hurt, mom didn't want to make a decision, grandfather didn't want to make a decision, so everybody sat there and looked at her, expecting her to tell them what they should do. I called the hospital and then the ambulance to come and pick her up. We then spent the entire night at the hospital. We got back at 4:30 am, and the phone started ringing at 5. Needless to say I got very little sleep.
Today was the needlessly melodramatic discussion with my mother over her living situation, which has to change, and soon. I don't know what might have happened to grandmother if I had not been there. She was afraid to go to the hospital, and wanted to wait until her regular doctor's appointment on Tuesday. My guess is that if she had done that, she could have hurt herself much worse, or gotten infected or something...
Right now she is in the hospital and they are doing a CT scan tomorrow to see if they should operate to fix the femur, or if they should operate to replace the hip joint again. The current replacement is 10 years old, and is almost worn out anyway.
I think mom has tentatively agreed to look into a new plan. We'll see what happens in actuality.. we'll see.
When I got home, L was cooking salmon on the grill, steamed broccoli.. i was starving and in need of a hug. Damn he is the best boyfriend on the planet. The. Absolute. best.
I went to take my mother to her doctor's appointment in Virginia, but the doctor called and rescheduled for Tuesday, which would be impossible for me to do. So it ended up being a visit. I drove up saturday, hung over and sleepy already. I hung out with Mom for a while, and then we went to dinner. Grandmother and grandfather didn't want to go with us, so they stayed down by the bonfire (they had been burning brush all day as they love to do) as the moon came up.
When we got back they were sitting in the living room, grandfather slumped over the kitchen table asleep, and grandmother lying in the automatic recliner. While down by the fire an hour or so earlier, grandmother had somehow broken her leg and fallen. Luckily she didn't fall into the fire.
It was weird.. here was grandmother obviously hurt, mom didn't want to make a decision, grandfather didn't want to make a decision, so everybody sat there and looked at her, expecting her to tell them what they should do. I called the hospital and then the ambulance to come and pick her up. We then spent the entire night at the hospital. We got back at 4:30 am, and the phone started ringing at 5. Needless to say I got very little sleep.
Today was the needlessly melodramatic discussion with my mother over her living situation, which has to change, and soon. I don't know what might have happened to grandmother if I had not been there. She was afraid to go to the hospital, and wanted to wait until her regular doctor's appointment on Tuesday. My guess is that if she had done that, she could have hurt herself much worse, or gotten infected or something...
Right now she is in the hospital and they are doing a CT scan tomorrow to see if they should operate to fix the femur, or if they should operate to replace the hip joint again. The current replacement is 10 years old, and is almost worn out anyway.
I think mom has tentatively agreed to look into a new plan. We'll see what happens in actuality.. we'll see.
When I got home, L was cooking salmon on the grill, steamed broccoli.. i was starving and in need of a hug. Damn he is the best boyfriend on the planet. The. Absolute. best.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
EJECT
Sometimes I would really like to have an EJECT button. I could use it in any situation to eject certain people, feelings, or circumstances from my life with the push of a button. Deadbeat ex-husband.. Bam! Gone! Endless debt... EJECT. Not anymore! The entire organization of Jehovah's Witnesses.. boop. No longer a problem. My family would have no reason to act like they come from the planet Weirdo. And most of all, I'd eject the rampant stupidity. It's a veritable pandemic.
This morbid stupidity is especially apparent among women, especially those old biddies who have nothing better to do than flap their sagging jowls about other people who have more important things to do. Oh yes, my friends, I have become the subject of yet another gossip mill. It seems to happen everywhere I go. It doesn't matter what I wear; someone will always say it's too tight or too short or something. That even happened when I worked at the hospital and had to wear regulation scrubs just like everybody else. It doesn't matter how professional my manners; some old bat will always make up a rumor about me having some sort of illicit affair. This time I am rumored to be having an affair with our VP, with whom I have exchanged maybe 15 words in our entire acquaintance.
I have to wonder where the hell this comes from. I wish there were a simple solution... EJECT. But there's not. I've examined every aspect of my professional persona and I can say that:
1) I see nothing wrong with anything that I wear to work. I don't wear short skirts, and I don't wear low cut shirts.
2) I do not flirt at work. There is no one here that I have any desire to flirt with. Not even remotely.
3) Maybe I am a little too open and friendly to everyone, and maybe I should not be sociable. I don't think that makes much sense, but that's all I can think of.
It makes me so freaking angry that I have to put up with that kind of crap!
Anyway I did buy a new hard drive yesterday. I'm not quite up to par again on my home computer, but I'll hopefully be there soon. Getting all of my data back from the old hard drive is a different story. I think I may have to accept that all of that stuff is gone forever. : (
This morbid stupidity is especially apparent among women, especially those old biddies who have nothing better to do than flap their sagging jowls about other people who have more important things to do. Oh yes, my friends, I have become the subject of yet another gossip mill. It seems to happen everywhere I go. It doesn't matter what I wear; someone will always say it's too tight or too short or something. That even happened when I worked at the hospital and had to wear regulation scrubs just like everybody else. It doesn't matter how professional my manners; some old bat will always make up a rumor about me having some sort of illicit affair. This time I am rumored to be having an affair with our VP, with whom I have exchanged maybe 15 words in our entire acquaintance.
I have to wonder where the hell this comes from. I wish there were a simple solution... EJECT. But there's not. I've examined every aspect of my professional persona and I can say that:
1) I see nothing wrong with anything that I wear to work. I don't wear short skirts, and I don't wear low cut shirts.
2) I do not flirt at work. There is no one here that I have any desire to flirt with. Not even remotely.
3) Maybe I am a little too open and friendly to everyone, and maybe I should not be sociable. I don't think that makes much sense, but that's all I can think of.
It makes me so freaking angry that I have to put up with that kind of crap!
Anyway I did buy a new hard drive yesterday. I'm not quite up to par again on my home computer, but I'll hopefully be there soon. Getting all of my data back from the old hard drive is a different story. I think I may have to accept that all of that stuff is gone forever. : (
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
The Good News is...
I can get a new hard drive for $39.99 after mail in rebate. Blah blah blah. It's looking like that's what will happen. L and I tried everything last night, and it wouldn't even start from a boot disk. The boot sector is gone, I think.
So, rather than try to reformat and lose everything on the drive anyway and still not be able to restart the computer ever again, I guess I will buy a new drive, and then assign my current drive as a slave so I can recover my stuff.. hopefully that will work. It is a royal pain in the rear.
In the meantime until I get my financials running again, I'm in deep crapola. I have bills due and I have no idea where the checks go because I havent actually mailed them in so long. Everything has been online, and all of that information is automatic in the software now. With no paper records and no way to retrieve my files yet, I'm kinda stuck. Meh.
When it rains it pours, I guess.
So, rather than try to reformat and lose everything on the drive anyway and still not be able to restart the computer ever again, I guess I will buy a new drive, and then assign my current drive as a slave so I can recover my stuff.. hopefully that will work. It is a royal pain in the rear.
In the meantime until I get my financials running again, I'm in deep crapola. I have bills due and I have no idea where the checks go because I havent actually mailed them in so long. Everything has been online, and all of that information is automatic in the software now. With no paper records and no way to retrieve my files yet, I'm kinda stuck. Meh.
When it rains it pours, I guess.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Crashola
My home computer has crashed in a big way. I'm not sure what happened, but I've to try and get my financial info, etc off of the hard drive before I restore. I stand to lose 100 pages of my book (and if I lose that,forget it. I'm not starting over), all of my financial info, all of my music and pictures, everything. Damn it, why didn't I back anything up?!
Hopefully I can have it running again soon, but I'm not sure how long it might take. : (
Hopefully I can have it running again soon, but I'm not sure how long it might take. : (
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Mixed Feelings
I had a pretty good day yesterday. L and I went to look at the land, and we are both equally in love with it. We called the men who are selling it, and L is going to find out about financing options on Monday. He said he may buy both available pieces, if he can negotiate with them. I'm really excited about it.. it's exactly what we want, and only 15 minutes from work. It's perfect.
So here's where the mixed feelings come in... My ring didn't sell on ebay. I got a lot of bids, but they topped out at $400, and it's a $3,000 ring. $400 isn't going to do me much good. That wasn't even half of the reserve price. So.. I just listed it in the paper. I only felt bad for a minute.. I mean it's not as if I want to ever wear the thing again. I know I should sell it. After all, it would be just another means to an end. I know where i want to go, and what I have to get rid of to get there.
The debts have to go, and as quickly as possible. I can't let any stupid sentimentality get in my way. But for just a minute, every time I think of it, I feel like I'm losing something.
I am losing something. If I sell that ring, I'll be losing a car payment. That's enough for me. Or it should be.
And there's another thing I've learned from this whole experience.. buying things (with the exception of real estate) is a poor substitute for investment. Liquid cash is much better than any type of goods.. at least if you want to be able to use your money. It seems I always end up taking a loss when it comes to selling assets.
So here's where the mixed feelings come in... My ring didn't sell on ebay. I got a lot of bids, but they topped out at $400, and it's a $3,000 ring. $400 isn't going to do me much good. That wasn't even half of the reserve price. So.. I just listed it in the paper. I only felt bad for a minute.. I mean it's not as if I want to ever wear the thing again. I know I should sell it. After all, it would be just another means to an end. I know where i want to go, and what I have to get rid of to get there.
The debts have to go, and as quickly as possible. I can't let any stupid sentimentality get in my way. But for just a minute, every time I think of it, I feel like I'm losing something.
I am losing something. If I sell that ring, I'll be losing a car payment. That's enough for me. Or it should be.
And there's another thing I've learned from this whole experience.. buying things (with the exception of real estate) is a poor substitute for investment. Liquid cash is much better than any type of goods.. at least if you want to be able to use your money. It seems I always end up taking a loss when it comes to selling assets.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
A List for My Sister, the Queen of the World
I have no idea how to make this coherent. So it's a list.
1) Everybody has some image inside their head of who they want to be, or who they wish they were. Our mother always used to say that she wanted to be a lady; what she meant and never said, I think, was that she wanted to be like K. She has always been waiting for the day when she can be that, but that never happens. She's the fartherest thing I can think of from what she wants to be right now. Why is that? (I use mom as an example because she's a damn good example of this behavior..) I think it was Aristotle who said that we should do everyday what we want to be. Or something along that line.
I'm trying to figure out who I want to be. I'm almost there in terms of knowing. In terms of being, I've got a ways to go.. but even a shuffle is progress. Sometimes it isn't fun; sometimes it's downright hard and miserable. but it pays off. Does my sister know who my sister wants to be? Who is she inside, where she is her perfect self? Can she realize her real ambitions and goals and needs surrounded by people who don't know and don't care? Er... no.
But you can't tell people things like this. Not and have them listen. I think you're there right now, Slammie. I think it's time for you to decide who you are and where you're going. I think you should make a list of who you would be if you were perfectly you. What would you look like? What would you wear? How would you feel? How would your friends feel about you? What would you do every day? What and who is in your life that is holding you hostage and preventing you from even knowing who you are?
2) Change is good. But it hurts like a mofo, even if the change is a good one. Case in point, I know what kind of hell you went through when you and R split. I went through the same kind of hell over J. But both of us were better out of those relationships, albeit for different reasons. Both relationships were holding us back from being. We've both got the tendency to live for other people. We have to try harder than other people to overcome that, to hold on to our own identities, to be who we are even if we do want everyone to love us.
And we do okay for two bodacious women who were conditioned to override our own sense of right and wrong almost from birth. We came into adulthood with no idea where the fences should be between ourselves and others. We never had any idea what was appropriate and what wasn't. It's all about getting rid of that anxious feeling we get when we feel like other people don't approve of us or like us. It doesn't matter who those people might be, and whether or not they are worth our time.
The lesson that parents should teach their children above all else is that of personal responsibility.. that you are in charge of your own life, and come hell or high water, you're going to pay the price for your own actions or inactions in the end. You might as well live according to your own heart. We never learned that. We learned dependence and manipulation and sublime showmanship, but not personal responsibility and definitely not discipline, strangely enough. I am trying to teach myself discipline right now. (Amazing how much weakness we can tolerate in our friends and partners, and how little we tolerate in ourselves, isn't it?)
The point here? Change is hard. Unlearning all the crap that's holding you down is hard. But it's worth it.
3) Tough love is a bitch. I know it's important, but it has to be tempered with love and compassion and common sense. In that spirit.. BOHICA.
A lot of happiness can come from relationships with friends and others, and a lot of misery as well. Like me, you've got an amazing talent for picking the wrong people to surround yourself with. I've discovered that I do this for several reasons: a) I feel sorry for the person and/or I want to save/reform/help them in some way, b) They seem to adore me and think I'm great, and that makes me feel good, until I realize that they're codependents who eventually always decide that something is wrong with anyone who would hang out with them, or c) They're there, so I figure I might as well.
I've learned to be very conscious about choosing my friends. The main question is "Do I want to be like this person, or does this person want to be like me?" If the person is someone you'd like to be like, then good. If not, run screaming in the other direction. There are people in the world who will build you up, and there are others who will do their best to hold you down. It may sound shallow, may sound bitchy. Whatever. I'll own it. So I'm a bitch who thinks that not everyone deserves my friendship. Yep. That's about right.
So let's take a look at your choices right now, shall we? A beautiful but mostly insane woman in her thirties who still behaves like an 18-year-old cocaine addicted exotic dancer... Another beautiful but mostly insane woman in her forties who expects you to read her mind and satisfy her every desire, who denigrates you at every opportunity and misses no chance to tell you what a loser you are.. A dorky looking line cook who deals drugs on the side and has been violent toward you, not to mention his disrespectful attitude toward you and his actions of last night... Some club-hopping jerk who throws shoes at you and calls you names... need I go on? Do ANY of these people know or care who you really are, and who you want to be?
UM... NO.
You are so much better than that.
Step one is deciding who you are going to be. Step two is flushing, exfoliating, and exorcising all of that shit from your life. Step three is deciding which direction you're headed in and what method of transport will take you where you want to go the fastest. Step four is buying in, getting on the bus, and not looking back. It's all cake from there.
I'm hoping one of these days I can get myself and my damn suitcase on the bus. ;)
Hang in there, Kiiiiyyyum
I love you more than I've ever been able to say.
Seriously, you're the best, no matter how many times you farted on my pillow when we were kids. : D
1) Everybody has some image inside their head of who they want to be, or who they wish they were. Our mother always used to say that she wanted to be a lady; what she meant and never said, I think, was that she wanted to be like K. She has always been waiting for the day when she can be that, but that never happens. She's the fartherest thing I can think of from what she wants to be right now. Why is that? (I use mom as an example because she's a damn good example of this behavior..) I think it was Aristotle who said that we should do everyday what we want to be. Or something along that line.
I'm trying to figure out who I want to be. I'm almost there in terms of knowing. In terms of being, I've got a ways to go.. but even a shuffle is progress. Sometimes it isn't fun; sometimes it's downright hard and miserable. but it pays off. Does my sister know who my sister wants to be? Who is she inside, where she is her perfect self? Can she realize her real ambitions and goals and needs surrounded by people who don't know and don't care? Er... no.
But you can't tell people things like this. Not and have them listen. I think you're there right now, Slammie. I think it's time for you to decide who you are and where you're going. I think you should make a list of who you would be if you were perfectly you. What would you look like? What would you wear? How would you feel? How would your friends feel about you? What would you do every day? What and who is in your life that is holding you hostage and preventing you from even knowing who you are?
2) Change is good. But it hurts like a mofo, even if the change is a good one. Case in point, I know what kind of hell you went through when you and R split. I went through the same kind of hell over J. But both of us were better out of those relationships, albeit for different reasons. Both relationships were holding us back from being. We've both got the tendency to live for other people. We have to try harder than other people to overcome that, to hold on to our own identities, to be who we are even if we do want everyone to love us.
And we do okay for two bodacious women who were conditioned to override our own sense of right and wrong almost from birth. We came into adulthood with no idea where the fences should be between ourselves and others. We never had any idea what was appropriate and what wasn't. It's all about getting rid of that anxious feeling we get when we feel like other people don't approve of us or like us. It doesn't matter who those people might be, and whether or not they are worth our time.
The lesson that parents should teach their children above all else is that of personal responsibility.. that you are in charge of your own life, and come hell or high water, you're going to pay the price for your own actions or inactions in the end. You might as well live according to your own heart. We never learned that. We learned dependence and manipulation and sublime showmanship, but not personal responsibility and definitely not discipline, strangely enough. I am trying to teach myself discipline right now. (Amazing how much weakness we can tolerate in our friends and partners, and how little we tolerate in ourselves, isn't it?)
The point here? Change is hard. Unlearning all the crap that's holding you down is hard. But it's worth it.
3) Tough love is a bitch. I know it's important, but it has to be tempered with love and compassion and common sense. In that spirit.. BOHICA.
A lot of happiness can come from relationships with friends and others, and a lot of misery as well. Like me, you've got an amazing talent for picking the wrong people to surround yourself with. I've discovered that I do this for several reasons: a) I feel sorry for the person and/or I want to save/reform/help them in some way, b) They seem to adore me and think I'm great, and that makes me feel good, until I realize that they're codependents who eventually always decide that something is wrong with anyone who would hang out with them, or c) They're there, so I figure I might as well.
I've learned to be very conscious about choosing my friends. The main question is "Do I want to be like this person, or does this person want to be like me?" If the person is someone you'd like to be like, then good. If not, run screaming in the other direction. There are people in the world who will build you up, and there are others who will do their best to hold you down. It may sound shallow, may sound bitchy. Whatever. I'll own it. So I'm a bitch who thinks that not everyone deserves my friendship. Yep. That's about right.
So let's take a look at your choices right now, shall we? A beautiful but mostly insane woman in her thirties who still behaves like an 18-year-old cocaine addicted exotic dancer... Another beautiful but mostly insane woman in her forties who expects you to read her mind and satisfy her every desire, who denigrates you at every opportunity and misses no chance to tell you what a loser you are.. A dorky looking line cook who deals drugs on the side and has been violent toward you, not to mention his disrespectful attitude toward you and his actions of last night... Some club-hopping jerk who throws shoes at you and calls you names... need I go on? Do ANY of these people know or care who you really are, and who you want to be?
UM... NO.
You are so much better than that.
Step one is deciding who you are going to be. Step two is flushing, exfoliating, and exorcising all of that shit from your life. Step three is deciding which direction you're headed in and what method of transport will take you where you want to go the fastest. Step four is buying in, getting on the bus, and not looking back. It's all cake from there.
I'm hoping one of these days I can get myself and my damn suitcase on the bus. ;)
Hang in there, Kiiiiyyyum
I love you more than I've ever been able to say.
Seriously, you're the best, no matter how many times you farted on my pillow when we were kids. : D
The Grind
The last two days at work have been pretty heinous. I dealt with one of the most unprofessional people with one of the biggest egos and the worst biddy complex I've ever seen. (Biddy complex, you ask? It's that tendency that women have to pick at other women, noted especially common among the 50-60ish women in the office. They're definitely not all that way, but the ones who are certainly are insufferable.)
Anyway, then I started getting emails from the old bat again. I was quite proud of the fact that I didn't dignify them with a response.
I ran 2 1/2 miles today at the gym, plus yoga and stretching after. I am really kinda sore, but it's a good thing.
I watched Survivor and CSI... Am I turning into a TV person after all these years?! God forbid! But I must admit that there are shows that I really do enjoy. Survivor is my favorite. I think I should be on that show. I think I could take it. I also love Extreme Home Makeover and What Not to Wear. I'd like to get my sister on What Not to Wear just so she could have $5K and a really good time. Maybe that would cheer her up. Next entry is for her. Get ready for that one.
Anyway, I found out today that a former co-worker of mine from the restaurant, a big, cute-in-a-scruffy-kinda-way line cook, has made finals on American Idol in Greensboro NC. Soon the AI folks will be in our neck of the woods. People at work have asked me if I am going to audition.. I probably won't though. I'm not a pop singer and I don't think I'm slick enough for that audience. I do have a first rehearsal with a new band on Monday. Jazz.. :D Something new for me.. I think I will love it.
I'm off tomorrow.. going to do some cleaning and some crafties and maybe dinner with some friends... Saturday we are going to look at some land. Update on that later, after I see if L likes it as much as I do.
And now I am off to type another blog entry...
Anyway, then I started getting emails from the old bat again. I was quite proud of the fact that I didn't dignify them with a response.
I ran 2 1/2 miles today at the gym, plus yoga and stretching after. I am really kinda sore, but it's a good thing.
I watched Survivor and CSI... Am I turning into a TV person after all these years?! God forbid! But I must admit that there are shows that I really do enjoy. Survivor is my favorite. I think I should be on that show. I think I could take it. I also love Extreme Home Makeover and What Not to Wear. I'd like to get my sister on What Not to Wear just so she could have $5K and a really good time. Maybe that would cheer her up. Next entry is for her. Get ready for that one.
Anyway, I found out today that a former co-worker of mine from the restaurant, a big, cute-in-a-scruffy-kinda-way line cook, has made finals on American Idol in Greensboro NC. Soon the AI folks will be in our neck of the woods. People at work have asked me if I am going to audition.. I probably won't though. I'm not a pop singer and I don't think I'm slick enough for that audience. I do have a first rehearsal with a new band on Monday. Jazz.. :D Something new for me.. I think I will love it.
I'm off tomorrow.. going to do some cleaning and some crafties and maybe dinner with some friends... Saturday we are going to look at some land. Update on that later, after I see if L likes it as much as I do.
And now I am off to type another blog entry...
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Good Evening and Welcome..
..to the Dysfunction Junction semi-nightly news.
L has been home since Sunday, and right this minute he is in bed, and not feeling well at all. I know it must be bad.. he doesn't go to bed before 11 unless he's really feeling bad. Poor guy.
In other news, a lady at work had a cat stuck under her car when she arrived today. It was a kitten, probably about 4-5 weeks old. It survived the trip from her town to work (about 15 miles) and aside from being covered in brake dust was just fine. This was the cutest kitten I think I've ever seen.. calico with orange tips on her ears, and a white mustache under her little nose. She had blue eyes and six toes on each paw. I swear, it looked like she had opposable thumbs, and she can grip things with them, too! It's wild!
My boss took her home for her little neice. If she hadn't, L would probably be unhappy with me right now, because I would have come home with another cat. Monster would probably hate me forever if I'd done that. So it's just as well.
And now I am trying to decide which task I need to tackle first this evening. I have been putting off the balancing of my bank accounts because I know I am far, far in the hole this month. I have one ebay bid on the ring, but unless more people really start bidding soon, it won't sell. I have to list the other stuff on ebay soon, because I need some cash, and the room in the garage wouldn't be bad either.
I went to the gym again today. So far I am doing well on my "workout every day" plan. I ran 2 miles yesterday, and a mile and a half today. Tomorrow it's back to 2, until I can do it without too much trouble, then I'll go to 3, and so on. I can definitely feel the difference, but unfortunately I can't see the difference yet. I hope that happens soon. My pictures from HH really brought home to me the fact that I am starting to look rather like a wide load.
Not being perfect is one thing. Looking like a tube sock stuffed with cottage cheese is another. It's been a few weeks, and I still haven't lost my first 10 lb. I wouldn't have the money right now for my promised trip to Victoria's Secret anyway, but I wouldn't argue with saving the reward for later if I could feel a little better about myself.
I'd really actually like a nap right now, to tell the truth. But if I do that, I'll never get anything else done. So I'm off to be productive.
L has been home since Sunday, and right this minute he is in bed, and not feeling well at all. I know it must be bad.. he doesn't go to bed before 11 unless he's really feeling bad. Poor guy.
In other news, a lady at work had a cat stuck under her car when she arrived today. It was a kitten, probably about 4-5 weeks old. It survived the trip from her town to work (about 15 miles) and aside from being covered in brake dust was just fine. This was the cutest kitten I think I've ever seen.. calico with orange tips on her ears, and a white mustache under her little nose. She had blue eyes and six toes on each paw. I swear, it looked like she had opposable thumbs, and she can grip things with them, too! It's wild!
My boss took her home for her little neice. If she hadn't, L would probably be unhappy with me right now, because I would have come home with another cat. Monster would probably hate me forever if I'd done that. So it's just as well.
And now I am trying to decide which task I need to tackle first this evening. I have been putting off the balancing of my bank accounts because I know I am far, far in the hole this month. I have one ebay bid on the ring, but unless more people really start bidding soon, it won't sell. I have to list the other stuff on ebay soon, because I need some cash, and the room in the garage wouldn't be bad either.
I went to the gym again today. So far I am doing well on my "workout every day" plan. I ran 2 miles yesterday, and a mile and a half today. Tomorrow it's back to 2, until I can do it without too much trouble, then I'll go to 3, and so on. I can definitely feel the difference, but unfortunately I can't see the difference yet. I hope that happens soon. My pictures from HH really brought home to me the fact that I am starting to look rather like a wide load.
Not being perfect is one thing. Looking like a tube sock stuffed with cottage cheese is another. It's been a few weeks, and I still haven't lost my first 10 lb. I wouldn't have the money right now for my promised trip to Victoria's Secret anyway, but I wouldn't argue with saving the reward for later if I could feel a little better about myself.
I'd really actually like a nap right now, to tell the truth. But if I do that, I'll never get anything else done. So I'm off to be productive.
Sunday, October 02, 2005
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Gone and Done It
Well I finally put the ring on ebay. I probably won't sell it and will just get stuck paying the $20 listing fee, with my luck.. but I didn't want to risk having to sell it to someone for $3 because I didn't want to pay for the reserve price listing. : If I can sell it, I can pay off the car($1000), and that will really help me out.
I have several other things that will be going on the auction block, as well. A coffee table and some end tables, a comforter set, some other random stuff that is sitting in the garage collecting dust, and reminds me of something I'd rather forget.
Is it normal to feel this disgusted about your past? For some reason lately I've been feeling like a real moron for letting everything go south on me the way I did. I guess it feels safe to think about it, now that it's all over and done with.
Meh. Anyway it's time to hit the shower and go to bed. L will be home tomorrow!
I have several other things that will be going on the auction block, as well. A coffee table and some end tables, a comforter set, some other random stuff that is sitting in the garage collecting dust, and reminds me of something I'd rather forget.
Is it normal to feel this disgusted about your past? For some reason lately I've been feeling like a real moron for letting everything go south on me the way I did. I guess it feels safe to think about it, now that it's all over and done with.
Meh. Anyway it's time to hit the shower and go to bed. L will be home tomorrow!
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