Off Kilter

Hmm.. where to start?

I am just off kilter today. Yesterday too. I don't even know how to explain it, other than I think I am stressing out big time over the situation with my mother. There are so many factors there to drive me to distraction that it's a wonder I can think about anything else right now.

There's the obvious fact that she's sick and needs help, of course. Then there's the fact that she is very manipulative and usually does everything she can to get on my nerves. (Case in point: Last night I was trying to tell her something and she kept asking questions about "that creepy guy." I had no IDEA what she was talking about. Turns out she was bringing up something that happened 5 years ago as if it were this afternoon, and I honestly believe that the entire purpose of the conversation was to bring up J. Now that I am done with him, she loves to talk about him... just because I don't want to hear it. Just like Flamey and every other person I've ever dated since I was 16.)

Then there's the fact that she can make me feel so bad for even existing at all that I want to contemplate jumping off the nearest bridge. And of course there's the religious angle. Don't even get me started on that. And did I mention that she is as stubborn as a mule and has a one-track mind? I honestly believe that if she lost both legs, was bleeding to death, and there were alligators crawling all over her house, she would still insist that she would be fine to go home.

I made some phone calls yesterday to talk to various family members about the situation, and it seems like some of them agree with my sister and I that Mom doesn't need to go back to the farm and that GM and GF can't take care of her anymore. Then again, there's also the "wait and see" contingent, who are so afraid to make a decision about anything that they would probably let the house burn down rather than make a decision to call the fire department or pick up the hose.

Very, very frustrating indeed. Last night after band practice (at which I was also a little off), I went home and snuggled with L on the couch while he talked on the phone to his mother. We went to bed relatively early, but I was still dragging when my alarm went off this morning. If I closed my eyes right now, I believe I could sleep at my desk for the rest of the day.