I Don't Care What You Think

Nice title, huh? One day it will be true.

I have to stop being such a soft touch. Obviously I am an easy target, otherwise I wouldn't get my feelings hurt by people that I know should not merit a second thought. Like H.

I didn't go on Sunday to bury Gracie. My reasons were pretty straightforward. They're basically the same reasons I didn't go back to see Amara after we sold her, even though the new owner said I was welcome. I couldn't bear to look at her and know she wasn't mine anymore.

I tried to distance myself before any of this ever happened, because I knew I was setting myself up to get my heart broken by getting so attached to her. I knew that I'd have to deal with H if I ever wanted to buy her, and that she'd make sure I could never afford her. It didn't help, but I tried. I had my reasons, and obviously they weren't good enough. Tough shit.

1) I didn't want to watch her die. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I didn't want to watch her die.
2) I didn't feel exactly welcome, not after H went all norman bates on me. I saw no reason to subject myself to that, a fact which I discussed with L and he agreed.
3) I've already been accused of having an affair with M, by H. How was it going to look, if I was running off to Georgia with him every weekend, and showing up with him in Hendersonville? Even if it was for Gracie, I wasn't willing to put myself in that position. Is that so wrong of me? The truth is that as far as H is concerned, she's trying to project her failings onto me. I'm damned with her no matter what I do. Or what I don't do. She'd far rather accuse me and M of something that admit to what she's done.

And yet, M tells me that I was a subject of conversation that day because I didn't go. That I abandoned Gracie, as if I didn't love her. And I'm such a damn soft touch that I feel like I have to defend myself against that.

Well screw that. I've put enough of my tears and sadness and suffering on display in the past 28 years. I don't want to do that anymore, and I don't think it's fair for anyone to put me down because I refuse to grieve in public.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for no reason. And whatever H thinks is no reason to feel guilty. I had reasons for not going, and they were good ones. And as much as I hate it, Gracie is another part of my life that I have to shut the door on (like J), because it hurts too damn much and I refuse to wallow in it. H doesn't like it? Feh. It isn't as if she's my friend or anything. She has made that abundantly clear.

I'm getting tired of shutting doors this year.