Over Here

I've spent the last few hours working on music, and I think maybe that's what I should do when I can't sleep at night and I want to sit around and get mad and feel sorry for myself.

Yeah, I'm worried about this whole thing with mom.. but it's not like the world is going to end or anything. It could be much worse, after all. I could be a JW.

Anyway, L is skipping dinner in favor of bread and peanut butter (his own guilty pleasure), and I am thinking of eating some salad. I'm off work again tomorrow, and tomorrow night is band practice. Then it's back to work on Tuesday. More of the same.

Or Maybe Not

Yeah, I've got more to say tonight. To start with, I can't really explain this mood I'm in tonight, even to myself. I just feel disconnected.. and a little pissed off. But I can't really put a finger on what I'm pissed off at.. just life in general, I guess.

My life is good. I don't really have all that much to be pissed off at. But I should thank my lucky stars that I don't get like this often anymore. It used to be an every day occurrence. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who grew up with me. Or maybe my ex-husband. I imagine he could tell you.

I'm just thinking too much. I want someone or something to take my mind off of all of this, and nobody is stepping up to the plate. Fair enough-- it really isn't anyone else's responsibility. I should just go to bed and listen to L breathe until I fall asleep myself. But for some reason, that just isn't working tonight.

To start with, there's my mother. I'm glad that she is finally realizing that some things have to change. I am glad that she is finally going to let me help her.. but I am scared shitless of what's going to happen now. With the disease, with everything. And it makes me furious that I'm scared of it.

And damn it, I miss Gracie.

Then there's L and all of the pressure lately.. All of our friends can't seem to give it a rest with the "when are you getting married" crap. It's a big joke now. We both roll our eyes. But there's a part of me (an immature, stupid part, but a part nonetheless) that really resents that.. because it's a joke now. Part of me wants to say to hell with it, I don't ever want to get married again.. let's just live together until hell freezes over.. and then there's that other part that says hell no, I'm better than that. What that means, I couldn't tell you.

I don't want to be someone's girlfriend when I have 2 kids and I'm 40.

And I'm doing a really good job of making this somehow about L, when it's really not. It's really about me and my bad attitude.

It's really about my mother.

There's not anyone to talk to about this. I can talk to any number of people about it, but they're not listening. Not really. It's pretty easy to tell... I just feel like I'm alone with it, like it's going to take over. Like she's going to take over.

Maybe I'm not so well adjusted as I'd like to think.

I want to help and I want to do the right thing. I just don't want to be reeled in. I don't want to get back on the rollercoaster, and I'm afraid that this is going to be a wilder ride than any of the insane gravity-defying bullshit we ever did before.

Blur

Sometimes it seems like there is too much going on for me to assimilate it all. I know that I must be keeping up.. nobody is angry at me yet. But I feel like sometimes everything is a blur and I'm not picking out the important details.

I also feel like I'm picking up more than some people think I do. I can't help being a little pissed off at the way some people obviously think I am too stupid to see that they are trying to use me for their own ends. I also can't help being outraged at one specific person's reckless disregard for the well being of A and her family. With friends like that, no one needs enemies.

It's all so cloak and dagger lately.. it makes me wonder who my friends really are. It also makes me wonder if I still give a crap about things some of my friends expect me to help with. Like a certain lawsuit.

I've got enough going on without that crap, and when I go out with my friends, I want to have fun. You know, down time. Not a rehashing of the same conversation we've been having for the last 3 years. So maybe it's time I backed off a little more and concentrated on what's really important..

This thing with my mom
My music
My million and two projects at work
The new house that L and I are trying to move into

There's a lot to do and I guess right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed and like no one is listening to me. And maybe right now I don't know what I want to say anymore.

Meh. Tomorrow I'll be over it.

Our House, Part 2

L took a ton of pics today when he went for the inspection... Click here to see our new house: http://www.upstateseminoles.com/photos/house2006/index.html

Pics of Mark for Mah Seester

Our House

Well, it is now semi-official. We close on March 14. The house is ours!

I'm so excited.. We got a pretty decent deal, and we should be moving in the end of March or early April. Now we just have to get packed up and finish fixing up our current house to sell..

L's parents are coming up from Florida tomorrow. We'll probably take them by to see the house while they're here.. I'll update on the visit later..

Valentine's Day

I would like to state for the record that I have the best boyfriend on the face of the earth.

This morning I found a big stuffed Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog in my car, with my name embroidered on it, along with a pair of tiger's eye earrings and a card. I found out after dinner (which was steak, my favorite, with a martini, also my favorite, and salad, mashed potatoes, etc) that he got out of bed while I was in the shower at 5 a.m. this morning to put the stuff in my car.

But that's not all.. When I got home from work and gave him his present, he also had a beautiful Liz Claiborne purse for me, and a cami/tank top that is gorgeous.. black lace. ("Ooooh, I like this" said I. "Yeah, I like.." he replied)

All in all, a second excellent V-Day with L.

And then, to top it off, we watched my friend, Nick, on American Idol. I worked with him for almost 2 years at LH. He is such a sweet guy, with such a sweet voice. I hope he makes it on the show.. He made it to the third round tonight, so there's hope yet! It's really kind of cool to see someone you know on a show like that. : )

I Want This House

Insanity Continued

So.. this week..

Monday- The workshop was great, and I think it will open the door for more contracts. I was tired, but happy. That afternoon I went to band practice, where we basically blew the doors off of everything we played. We laid down 4-part harmony on one of L's songs, and it sounds phenomenal! I am so excited about this band.. The guys are so sweet and fun to work with and creative and I love every one of them.

Tuesday- Songwriters' meeting after another hectic day at work. I was tired and felt stretched out, so when I had a song critiqued and they actually had something to say, I got bummed out a little. They were right, of course, and pointed out some very good points, which I made note of and I will change the song. But I also don't want to lose my unique style by doing this. I am not writing for Nashville, and I don't want to change every song I write to fit that mold. And it is a mold. And I am allergic to mold.

Wednesday- Open Mic night at the Coffee Underground. A was supposed to come, but something came up and she couldn't. L came, and was supportive and sweet as always. M from the band came, which surprised me, but he just missed my set. He hung out for a while, though, and it made me happy that he made the trip up there just for me.

The open mic night was the strangest thing I have ever seen. There were a few acts there who were serious musicians, but for the most part, there was this strange group of kids... I couldn't decide if they were college kids or high school.. but they were freaking weird.

One obviously wanted to be Jim Morrison so bad he could taste it. Another was a girl in a vintage dress with a red guitar and a passably decent voice, who sang about cream cheese melting in the sun and crap. She reminded me a little of Phoebe from Friends. She also played with something that called itself a band.. they randomly strummed and banged on their instruments, with no worries about what key they were in or whether there was any rhythm at all. It was all very random and strange. It got real old real fast.

Aside from the weirdos, there was a guy there from the songwriters' group who is very sweet. He is a William Hung kind of guy. He does have some talent as a songwriter, but his delivery is eccentric.. he chooses strange words sometimes and.. you'd just have to hear it. The combination, however, is at once hilarious and endearing, especially when he writes about things like Star Wars and King Kong.

Overall it was loads of fun and I did get invited to play at a folk festival in NC in April. We'll see if I actually do it, but it was cool to be invited.

Tonight we are going to look at houses.. hopefully we will love one of them. And we are bringing the camera.. so.. maybe some pics later? Keep your fingers crossed. :)

Insanity and Alcohol

This has been a hellish week. It started with an angry woman at work, who kept doing things at the last possible nanosecond before a deadline, seemingly just to make our jobs harder. Then I had a class to teach, so it was off to Columbia..

Only to come back to the same proposal over again because of more last possible nanosecond changes, and a coworker who skipped out on me. Overall it was very stressful.

Then I went to get the materials copied for my seminar on Monday, to find the asshole at Office Depot who ran my copies on the DIY 6 cent per page instead of the business one so that I'd get charged more. I was pretty mad..

I was off on Friday, so I made plans to go out for a drink with my friends. And that's when the insanity started. One of of my good friends, J, just seemed to lose it last night. She is usually so poised, so put-together.. But last night she got totally blitzed and made a total ass of herself over a man who everyone knows is a philanderer. He is married with kids, and the rumor is that he was recently caught at a local hotel with an employee of his.

To tell the truth, I don't care, and I don't understand why J would, unless something has been happening between this man and her. That would go against every opinion I have ever had of her, but that's the only explanation for last night.

She was sitting there in a bar that's smaller than my living room, surrounded by the town's elite.. county council, city and county government, state reps, attorneys.. talking about the Sleez and the women who flocked around him in a voice that became progressively louder and more shrewish. I couldn't get away, because she followed me everywhere I went.

When I ordered some food, she devoured half of it without ceasing her blow-by blow..

"Look, look, now he has his arm around that slut! Oh my god, I can't believe all of these dumb blondes! That's all these men are after.. a new slut. Just look at them..."

And on and on and on it went. And on. And on. I haven't been that embarrassed since the last time I was out in public with my ex-husband. Even after I asked her quite loudly if she realized the volume at which she was talking, and informed her that I AM BLONDE!!!! Quit with the bimbo crap already..

Finally the Sleez (who is really kind of a nice guy when he isn't drinking.. in a rather slick sort of way) and his entourage left.. and my friend, who I was sure was a self-assured, in-control-of-herself, confident women, chased after him.

I stayed with A for at least another hour, trying to recover from the shock and mortification of the evening. When we left, A called me to say that J was still in her car, watching his car in the parking lot.

I don't understand it. It really creeps me out a little, how you can have such a strong impression of someone.. even admire them.. and then you see them one day and they're nothing like you thought they were.. and you can't pinpoint the change. What was it? When did it happen? How?

It was a bizarre evening, to say the least. I didn't sleep well last night.

This morning I went to a songwriters' meeting, where I met Dave Berg, a professional Nashville songwriter. He listened to our songs and critiqued us.. He compared me to Ani DiFranco.. I can't think of a higher compliment. He told me basically not to bother with Nashville. I ain't no country singer..

But after playing my demo, three people in the group asked me to sing their songs for demos. A lot of songwriters can't actually sing their own stuff, so they hire people to do it. That is also a high compliment as well..

And one thing that happened last night was music related.. it seemed everyone I met has talked to C from the band, and has heard all about me and my voice.. Pretty amazing, to me... but I'm a little worried that with all the hype I won't be able to live up to it.

We'll see, I guess.

And tonight L and I are going to hear Dave Berg do a concert of his own music. I am looking forward to hearing it.. the few songs he played today were phenomenal. I do think I'll buy a CD...

And now, it's on toward next week... band practice and a seminar on Monday, songwriters on Tuesday, open mic on Wednesday, trying to recover after that...

In other news, L and I continued our house hunt today.. we found another neighborhood we love, and 4 houses we want to see inside. I think we're getting closer to what we're looking for at least..

And speaking of what we're looking for, the V-day question looms.. my quandry is this: lingerie or DVDs? Victoria's Secret or something else? The guy friends I have asked have said VS, hands down.. Still not sure, tho. This is L we are talking about.. Meh. Eventually I will make a decision..