Something's Always Wrong

I should be happy right now. I should be out with my friends celebrating, taking the day off as I had planned. It is D-Day after all.

My divorce is final today. It was... an experience.

I start out in the bathroom, trying to put on the suit I had planned to wear. Not happening. The skirt is so tight I can't move. (What the hell is happening to me?) So I had to find another skirt I could wear. Get dressed, get in the car, drive for 45 minutes to get where I'm going.

Then I get to the attorney's office to find that he is not there. I sit there for 30 minutes waiting for him, before I finally decide to hell with it and walk down to the courthouse by myself. Finally find the correct floor and courtroom. Ex is there, as are attorneys, but he didn't bring a witness, and mine is not there. I make a series of frantic phone calls with the sinking feeling that this is destined to drag on for another 6 months.

Finally she comes in, bless her heart, and we get under way. A series of questions, all with yes or no answers. And then it's over. Just like that. And I'm not nearly as happy as I should be.

Suddenly I'm outside the courthouse, he's gone, the lawyers are gone, my friend has somewhere to be, and I'm alone with myself. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I keep thinking I should be ecstatic right now, but I'm not. I want to cry, but I don't want anyone to think I'm crying for him, because I'm not. I don't know why I'm crying, but it has nothing to do with him.

So I get that under control and call the boyfriend, who tells me I am being spastic and that it's all rather anticlimactic and that's all that's going on with me. I know I must sound upset, but I don't want to be upset, damn it! I should be sitting at lunch somewhere with my friends toasting at least semi-freedom. And instead, I am driving to work because I don't want to go home.

I stop at the store on the way to buy a new, bigger skirt for the unfortunate suit I tried on this morning, because I know I am going to have to have something to wear next week when I teach that class. So somehow in the course of the last year, not only have I gone from 117 pounds to near 140, I have also gone from a 2-4 to a 10.

This is not a good day. And my dinner plans seem to have fallen through as well. And I thought yesterday was splectacular..