..This ain't gonna be pretty.
Sometimes the past is like a primordial bog, or a big bottomless hole full of quicksand. Everything seems fine until you step in it, and suddenly you're up to your neck in stinking, sucking guilt and sickness and stupidity that won't let go. Ok, I've taken that metaphor as far as it can go.
Anyway, I am either apallingly self-absorbed, or I have a horribly one-track mind that can't seem to change direction once it points its nose south. I keep replaying things that have happened in my head, myself more ridiculous and cartoonishly pathetic in each repetition. If things are going too well for too long, I start feeling inexplicably guilty, as if I have undoubtedly done something dreadfully wrong, and I'm waiting for someone to tell me what.. knowing that it will be disgustingly obvious to me once it's pointed out to the rest of the world.
I am sabotaging myself. I am acutely aware of this fact. But I can't seem to get that mud off my feet.
I know that I can't be personally at fault for everything that ever goes wrong in my world. I know that other people have more important things to think about than me and my conversational faux pas (what's the pleural of faux pas? Faux pases? Er. No.)
The knowledge does not stop me from saying stupid things, or from berating myself mentally for weeks to come. I am sick of it. I am hoping that I will become irritated enough with myself to figure out some way to make it stop.
Just Stop, you say? Fine. We all know how easy that is. But don't think about any blue eyed polar bears while you're telling me to Just Stop. See how easy that is?
The point is that I don't want to think about how many times I have put my foot in my mouth anymore. I don't want to think about my parents or their religion or the mind-fuck that it's been for me my entire life. I don't want to think about my train wreck of a marriage, or the fact that I can't seem to get the relationship thing down on any level. And I certainly don't want to think about those days of subsisting entirely on oatmeal cookies and diet coke. Expecially now that I look in the mirror and see the shadow of the hippo to come, if I don't get serious and do something about it.
Feh. I am afraid I am not at all entertaining this evening. Not that anyone reads this thing anyway.
On another note, the constant comments of our friends about our "upcoming wedding" are really starting to bother me. I don't want him to feel as pressured as I do about it. I love him to death, and I am officially single again now. That doesn't mean that we have to walk down the aisle next week, for chrissakes. Give us a break.
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
Something's Always Wrong
I should be happy right now. I should be out with my friends celebrating, taking the day off as I had planned. It is D-Day after all.
My divorce is final today. It was... an experience.
I start out in the bathroom, trying to put on the suit I had planned to wear. Not happening. The skirt is so tight I can't move. (What the hell is happening to me?) So I had to find another skirt I could wear. Get dressed, get in the car, drive for 45 minutes to get where I'm going.
Then I get to the attorney's office to find that he is not there. I sit there for 30 minutes waiting for him, before I finally decide to hell with it and walk down to the courthouse by myself. Finally find the correct floor and courtroom. Ex is there, as are attorneys, but he didn't bring a witness, and mine is not there. I make a series of frantic phone calls with the sinking feeling that this is destined to drag on for another 6 months.
Finally she comes in, bless her heart, and we get under way. A series of questions, all with yes or no answers. And then it's over. Just like that. And I'm not nearly as happy as I should be.
Suddenly I'm outside the courthouse, he's gone, the lawyers are gone, my friend has somewhere to be, and I'm alone with myself. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I keep thinking I should be ecstatic right now, but I'm not. I want to cry, but I don't want anyone to think I'm crying for him, because I'm not. I don't know why I'm crying, but it has nothing to do with him.
So I get that under control and call the boyfriend, who tells me I am being spastic and that it's all rather anticlimactic and that's all that's going on with me. I know I must sound upset, but I don't want to be upset, damn it! I should be sitting at lunch somewhere with my friends toasting at least semi-freedom. And instead, I am driving to work because I don't want to go home.
I stop at the store on the way to buy a new, bigger skirt for the unfortunate suit I tried on this morning, because I know I am going to have to have something to wear next week when I teach that class. So somehow in the course of the last year, not only have I gone from 117 pounds to near 140, I have also gone from a 2-4 to a 10.
This is not a good day. And my dinner plans seem to have fallen through as well. And I thought yesterday was splectacular..
My divorce is final today. It was... an experience.
I start out in the bathroom, trying to put on the suit I had planned to wear. Not happening. The skirt is so tight I can't move. (What the hell is happening to me?) So I had to find another skirt I could wear. Get dressed, get in the car, drive for 45 minutes to get where I'm going.
Then I get to the attorney's office to find that he is not there. I sit there for 30 minutes waiting for him, before I finally decide to hell with it and walk down to the courthouse by myself. Finally find the correct floor and courtroom. Ex is there, as are attorneys, but he didn't bring a witness, and mine is not there. I make a series of frantic phone calls with the sinking feeling that this is destined to drag on for another 6 months.
Finally she comes in, bless her heart, and we get under way. A series of questions, all with yes or no answers. And then it's over. Just like that. And I'm not nearly as happy as I should be.
Suddenly I'm outside the courthouse, he's gone, the lawyers are gone, my friend has somewhere to be, and I'm alone with myself. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I keep thinking I should be ecstatic right now, but I'm not. I want to cry, but I don't want anyone to think I'm crying for him, because I'm not. I don't know why I'm crying, but it has nothing to do with him.
So I get that under control and call the boyfriend, who tells me I am being spastic and that it's all rather anticlimactic and that's all that's going on with me. I know I must sound upset, but I don't want to be upset, damn it! I should be sitting at lunch somewhere with my friends toasting at least semi-freedom. And instead, I am driving to work because I don't want to go home.
I stop at the store on the way to buy a new, bigger skirt for the unfortunate suit I tried on this morning, because I know I am going to have to have something to wear next week when I teach that class. So somehow in the course of the last year, not only have I gone from 117 pounds to near 140, I have also gone from a 2-4 to a 10.
This is not a good day. And my dinner plans seem to have fallen through as well. And I thought yesterday was splectacular..
Thursday, July 28, 2005
People are strange
I went to an event for the Chamber of Commerce tonight. There was alcohol, food, and lots of interesting free stuff from people who set up booths.. but I'll have to say that I did not particularly enjoy it for sevearl reasons:
1) My friends, who I joined this thing with for the sole reason of doing these events together were not there. Neither did I hear from them.
2) I was stuck working the admission table instead of working the room, and
3) Once I did make it in to the party, who do I run into but one of the most persistently aggravating men I have ever met, who seems to dog my footsteps lately. I mean, this guy is just as sleazy as they come. And the boyfriend was not with me.
I had one drink and brought myself home, where the boyfriend, knowing my adoration for red meat, had bought steaks. I started up the grill, and lo, the skies opened. I must have been quite a sight, standing on the deck under an umbrella with a smoking grill, dressed in nothing but a really short housedress, with the sky thundering and rain pouring.
The dogs are afraid of the thunder, which means they follow us around when they are in the house, and howl when we put them in the garage.
And what else made my day splectacular? I went to the dentist first thing this morning, followed by the attorney's office. Splectacular indeed.
Tomorrow: D-DAY!!!
1) My friends, who I joined this thing with for the sole reason of doing these events together were not there. Neither did I hear from them.
2) I was stuck working the admission table instead of working the room, and
3) Once I did make it in to the party, who do I run into but one of the most persistently aggravating men I have ever met, who seems to dog my footsteps lately. I mean, this guy is just as sleazy as they come. And the boyfriend was not with me.
I had one drink and brought myself home, where the boyfriend, knowing my adoration for red meat, had bought steaks. I started up the grill, and lo, the skies opened. I must have been quite a sight, standing on the deck under an umbrella with a smoking grill, dressed in nothing but a really short housedress, with the sky thundering and rain pouring.
The dogs are afraid of the thunder, which means they follow us around when they are in the house, and howl when we put them in the garage.
And what else made my day splectacular? I went to the dentist first thing this morning, followed by the attorney's office. Splectacular indeed.
Tomorrow: D-DAY!!!
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Never Slow Down
Well, here I am again.
I have been busier than ever, but somehow have actually accomplished a few things, so I can't complain. I have a court date at last.
I had to meet with Numbnuts today about the mortgage on our house, which he is supposed to be paying but hasn't, and which has been sitting empty for months while the real estate agent tries to get a picture in the paper. Foreclusure is inevitable, as is his contempt of court filing. Just another chapter in the never ending saga.
And speaking of never ending sagas.. My family is at it again. This time, it's an attack on my 14-year-old niece because they don't have the cajones to bring the battle to me or my sister, where it belongs. It amazes me how some people are terrified to start a conflict with someone they know could hold their own, but don't hesitate to dump it on a child who can't defend themselves and shouldn't have to.
Mom is refusing to discuss it with me, and is mad at the poor kid for crying and for telling me about it. Well I hate to tell her this, but if she drags my name into it, I have a right to know.
And the busier I get at work, the more often they all call me during the day to weigh in on the family soap opera. I think they get extra points if they call when I have a Ph.D. in my office.
Amidst all of this, I vascillate between utter joy at the thought of being divorced by the end of the week, and queasy reflection on being in any of these situations in the first place.
The boyfriend is as fabulous as ever, although he seems a little stressed from a situation at his work, and I still am not good at reading his moods. I never know what to say, so I tend to be distant and say nothing. I am not sure that this is the smart thing to do, but I am not known for always doing the smart thing anyway.
I do keep thinking, though, that little problems that crop up (at least they are problems in my book) in every relationship year in and year out, are not his problems.. they are mine. Sick of them, I am.
I have been busier than ever, but somehow have actually accomplished a few things, so I can't complain. I have a court date at last.
I had to meet with Numbnuts today about the mortgage on our house, which he is supposed to be paying but hasn't, and which has been sitting empty for months while the real estate agent tries to get a picture in the paper. Foreclusure is inevitable, as is his contempt of court filing. Just another chapter in the never ending saga.
And speaking of never ending sagas.. My family is at it again. This time, it's an attack on my 14-year-old niece because they don't have the cajones to bring the battle to me or my sister, where it belongs. It amazes me how some people are terrified to start a conflict with someone they know could hold their own, but don't hesitate to dump it on a child who can't defend themselves and shouldn't have to.
Mom is refusing to discuss it with me, and is mad at the poor kid for crying and for telling me about it. Well I hate to tell her this, but if she drags my name into it, I have a right to know.
And the busier I get at work, the more often they all call me during the day to weigh in on the family soap opera. I think they get extra points if they call when I have a Ph.D. in my office.
Amidst all of this, I vascillate between utter joy at the thought of being divorced by the end of the week, and queasy reflection on being in any of these situations in the first place.
The boyfriend is as fabulous as ever, although he seems a little stressed from a situation at his work, and I still am not good at reading his moods. I never know what to say, so I tend to be distant and say nothing. I am not sure that this is the smart thing to do, but I am not known for always doing the smart thing anyway.
I do keep thinking, though, that little problems that crop up (at least they are problems in my book) in every relationship year in and year out, are not his problems.. they are mine. Sick of them, I am.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
I Have What I Want
I'm a little restless, and I really couldn't say why. Maybe it's because I actually sat down to write my story for the XJW board after 7 years of procrastination, and for the first time I realize that many of the problems we had were not JW problems. The JWs amplified and exacerbated them, like sublight through a magnifying glass. Only I was the poor bug being set on fire.
A true enough analogy, but I don't feel particularly sorry for myself anymore. I put up with it much longer than I ever should have.
Sometimes looking back is not fun. And I am learning how to stop looking back. There is too much to see in front of me these days. Hard to look at the ugly past when the present has such great scenery.
A true enough analogy, but I don't feel particularly sorry for myself anymore. I put up with it much longer than I ever should have.
Sometimes looking back is not fun. And I am learning how to stop looking back. There is too much to see in front of me these days. Hard to look at the ugly past when the present has such great scenery.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Sometimes I Can See for Miles
Today I feel like counting my blessings..
1) I am in love. Maybe too much so, and maybe I am headed toward another heartbreak at 125mph, but I don't care. It feels too good to care, and if I do crash and burn, it will have been worth it.
2) I am a survivor. I'm not afraid of living this life anymore. I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it as long as I've got it.
3) Damn, but I have a good job.
4) I've got the best friends anybody could ask for.
5) And I'm feeling pretty good about being me right now.
6) My cat loves me, though I suspect that he is beginning to defect to the boyfriend, even though he is not a cat person. Still a great boyfriend, and still a great cat.
1) I am in love. Maybe too much so, and maybe I am headed toward another heartbreak at 125mph, but I don't care. It feels too good to care, and if I do crash and burn, it will have been worth it.
2) I am a survivor. I'm not afraid of living this life anymore. I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it as long as I've got it.
3) Damn, but I have a good job.
4) I've got the best friends anybody could ask for.
5) And I'm feeling pretty good about being me right now.
6) My cat loves me, though I suspect that he is beginning to defect to the boyfriend, even though he is not a cat person. Still a great boyfriend, and still a great cat.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
