sometimes i want..

So sometimes I wonder if the problems I see have more to do with me than they do with the people I am watching. For instance it is very easy to see the answers to other people's problems.. very easy to tell them what I think they should do.. but I know that if I were in their shoes, it might be harder than hell do what must be done.

There are a couple of handfulls of people on this planet that I love so much I would do anything for them.. but I think I am too intense. Which leads me to..

Sometimes I just want to say it. Tell everyone what I really think.. Most of the time it isn't anything bad. Just that I think one of my friends is far too precious and good to be around any of the rest of us. We don't deserve her. But God, are we glad she is a part of our lives. And another of my friends makes me feel that anxious tug in the pit of my stomach. She defies everything I was taught about the way women behave and think. And yet she is every bit a lady and every bit an amazing woman, and even though she shakes my predetermined beliefs and biases to the core, I love her for her sublime selfishness and her steely insistence on ethical conduct and excellence. I love her for being everything I will never be strong enough to be.

And sometimes I think that I will always fail at long term relationships with men because I get too involved. I can feel it happening as I type.. I fall too hard. I get too involved with his life and his thoughts and his presence.. I want too much contact, too much attention, too much affection, too much sex. It doesn't matter if I am pretty or strong or sexy.. too much of a good thing is too much. No matter how good I am.. if you have filet and lobster every night, you are bound to be sick of it within a week. Seems like I would have realised that by now.. but no.

No, I wanted to blame it all on my ex husband, the way our marriage ended up. Sure he went elsewhere to get his. That part was his fault. But it was I who was too available. It was I who wanted to involve him in everything I did. I made him sick of me. Makes me sick to think about it.

And I am the closet sex fiend who would do it every day if I could. One of these days I will accept what I can't change... there will never be a man who will want that the way I do. SO maybe I am not so ordinary or so reasonable. And maybe it is stupid to put all of this out there on the Internet for anyone to read. But then maybe I don't care. I'd rather someone hear me, even if I don't know who or why.