Assorted Issues

Ok, y'all. It's official that I have lost my mind. This is Me and L at his birthday party last week. We're silly.. This is me today.
Yes, it is darker than I intended, and yes, L hates it.

Today was a day for messing up, apparently. After I messed up my hair, we met with our wedding photographer, and I wrote him a check for the deposit, only to find that L wanted to discuss it further and then get back to him. He didn't express this to me, either before we got there or when I was writing the check, but I still can see his point.. sort of.

He also seems to think that I give out too much information. Apparently the fact that I have been married and divorced before is somehow taboo. Meanwhile, I have had some stupid idea that I would be misrepresenting myself if I acted like I had never been married before.

Don't ask, I really can't tell you why.

I can tell you, however, that NN (aka J) made more of an impression on me than I care to contemplate. He is the reason that I tiptoe around L when I think he may be upset with me. He is the reason that I make decisions about things without even thinking about asking L.. because asking NN always meant spending more than we had by a few thousand dollars for something I positively detested. Every time. Meanwhile L has better ideas than I do most of the time, and would probably make better, more informed decisions.

I know that everything should be new this time, that I shouldn't let any past experiences cloud the way I see things now, and that they certainly shouldn't have any bearing on the decisions I make... but that's easier said than done. And I know that to L it has to be like nails on a chalkboard every time he is reminded that I used to be married to someone else. It would be to me if the shoe were on the other foot.

But sometimes I feel like everything that came before this (this being my life now) is something to be ashamed of.. my neurotic family, my horrible relationship and career choices, my religious fanatic upbringing, my dismal failure of a marriage. Only I don't like that. In fact, I hate it.

This is not an L issue. It's me thinking how I would feel. It's me thinking about the skin crawling embarrasment of listening to NN hold forth at every event we ever went to about things he had (supposedly) done, and imagining that L feels that way about me.

Though realistically, if that were actually the case, L would not be marrying me. And realistically, I don't talk about a lot of my life to anyone but him. Still, perhaps I should stop.

Perhaps I should stick to funny pictures.