What's This in my Head?

First off, why is it that I use secret pet names i had for my ex husband as passwords on my computer? I guess at least they are moderately secure.. who knew them except two people who never talk to each other now? Still I get a little creeped out when I have to log in.. but not creeped out enough to change the passwords.

The other things in my head.. Horses. I realized today that I should not get so attached to the bay mare. I love her to bits, but there is no chance in hell that I will ever be able to afford to buy her. It is only a matter of time before they decide to start selling the horses. I know that divorces are not cheap, and the two of them will need to lighten up a bit. So I will work with her and play with her and fall in love with her, and then get crushed when she is sold to somebody else.

So.. finding another outlet for this horse mania of mine is a must...

I am off to dinner. The boyfriend to end all boyfriends has cooked, and I am starving.

more of the same

I could not sleep last night. No matter what I tried, it was not helping. I feel much better this morning. I am trying to finish my coffee before I go out to help him in the yard, but I am still trying to quiet this incessant voice in my head that's saying

Girl, when are you going to learn to keep your distance?

sometimes i want..

So sometimes I wonder if the problems I see have more to do with me than they do with the people I am watching. For instance it is very easy to see the answers to other people's problems.. very easy to tell them what I think they should do.. but I know that if I were in their shoes, it might be harder than hell do what must be done.

There are a couple of handfulls of people on this planet that I love so much I would do anything for them.. but I think I am too intense. Which leads me to..

Sometimes I just want to say it. Tell everyone what I really think.. Most of the time it isn't anything bad. Just that I think one of my friends is far too precious and good to be around any of the rest of us. We don't deserve her. But God, are we glad she is a part of our lives. And another of my friends makes me feel that anxious tug in the pit of my stomach. She defies everything I was taught about the way women behave and think. And yet she is every bit a lady and every bit an amazing woman, and even though she shakes my predetermined beliefs and biases to the core, I love her for her sublime selfishness and her steely insistence on ethical conduct and excellence. I love her for being everything I will never be strong enough to be.

And sometimes I think that I will always fail at long term relationships with men because I get too involved. I can feel it happening as I type.. I fall too hard. I get too involved with his life and his thoughts and his presence.. I want too much contact, too much attention, too much affection, too much sex. It doesn't matter if I am pretty or strong or sexy.. too much of a good thing is too much. No matter how good I am.. if you have filet and lobster every night, you are bound to be sick of it within a week. Seems like I would have realised that by now.. but no.

No, I wanted to blame it all on my ex husband, the way our marriage ended up. Sure he went elsewhere to get his. That part was his fault. But it was I who was too available. It was I who wanted to involve him in everything I did. I made him sick of me. Makes me sick to think about it.

And I am the closet sex fiend who would do it every day if I could. One of these days I will accept what I can't change... there will never be a man who will want that the way I do. SO maybe I am not so ordinary or so reasonable. And maybe it is stupid to put all of this out there on the Internet for anyone to read. But then maybe I don't care. I'd rather someone hear me, even if I don't know who or why.

i'm not done yet

On second thought, there are a few other thoughts that need to be written today.
Why did it always seem when I was a child that my mom wanted me to be sick or rebellious or perfect, or perhaps all three? It never was about me. Never was. But it did seem like I was being led toward the courses of action that she always decried. For instance, she harped on the evilness of premarital sex from the moment I was born, yet she allowed my boyfriend to come to the beach with us for a week, and stay in the same house.

Not to trash on my mother. I just wonder sometimes.

I was supposed to want to do nothing but preach and read the bible, but i hated it. Yet she was the first one running to the elders to try and get me DF'd. And when I said I didn't want any part of her religion, she tried to push me into being the rebellious, evil, devil-child that the org painted anyone who left them as. That sentence didn't make sense. But I'll let it stand because I am too tired to change it.

And my dad.. I think he was misunderstood. My mother took my every thought as a 12-year-old far too seriously, and my father took nothing I ever said seriously. Very mixed messages for a high-anxiety child.

But that's enough for tonight. For real this time.

i can't keep up

Sometimes I feel like everything moves too fast. Not important stuff, really, just everyday life. The day is gone before I get half of the things done I needed to, and I am so tired by the time I get home that I don't feel like doing anything at all. Maybe my brain is just slightly melted from the ungodly heat today, and I will be fine after a nice dinner and a glass of wine.

I also know that I have a lot of writing to do. I need to restring my guitar and I have a few songs that are in need of playing. Maybe I should at least give that an hour before throwing this day into the hamper with my dirty clothes. Maybe I will.

Has it been so long?

I have been moving.. packing up my multitude of possessions and heading down the highway. I have moved in with the most awesome man on the planet. Now if only my attorney would get me a damn court date, life would be almost perfect. : )

I keep meaning to come here and write. I have millions of things to say until I get here, and then I look at the white space waiting to be filled with words, and suddenly.. I can't think of any.

Feh. Oh well. I have steaks to grill. I'll be back.