There is too much water in New Orleans, and not enough food. There are too many people dead in Mississippi and Alabama and Louisiana and FLorida, and not enough safety for anyone. It gives me a sick feeling to think about the wonderful places I visited a short few months ago.. places that are now under contaminated water.
There is too much noise in my life, and not enough down time. There are too many situations pulling me in too many different directions, and not enough of me to go around. My family is too demanding, and so I spend too little time with them. I feel too guilty to stay in touch the way I know I should, and the way I really want to. There's just not enough time, and not enough of me to do it all.
There's too much daytime and not enough night.
And Lord Jesus, there's too many miles to travel and not enough gas. My business trip for tomorrow got cancelled because there is not enough gas left in South Carolina for us to be assured of getting there and getting back. My boss called the sherriff's department and was told that we should stay put and not travel, that there was no more gas in Blackville SC than there is in Pickens, and there is no gas in Pickens.
I went to the station today on my way in to work, and had to wait in line for a pump. The station was conveniently out of regular unleaded, forcing all of us to buy premium. I started pumping at 2.60 per gallon, but they stopped the pumps when I was midway through to change the price. I got the rest of the tank for 2.75 per gallon. By the time I got to work, I was seeing stations with signs at 3.09 a gallon for regular unleaded. Of course no one has the regular unleaded, and Premium is now 3.19 a gallon.
I have a 54 mile commute to work, one way.
And there's another tropical depression brewing out there. Frikkin great.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Short List
It's time for a list of things I am thinking about right now, since I can't seem to begin any decent sort of narrative.
1) I feel like I am wrapped in 30 pounds of bologna. If not bologna, then something equally heavy and unattractive. It's not that I think other people think my ass looks like a runaway Buick. No one has commented on this to date. It's just that I feel that way. But I did run today. And I will run tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Until I can run that 5K, and then the half marathon in January. And then the Dublin Marathon in October 06. And I guarantee that by then I will not feel like this and all my clothes will be comfortably almost-too-big again.
2) Despite my discontent with the state of my body, I am quite content with someone else's. Should I leave it at that? Suffice it to say that I am more than satisfied. Not to mention that he cooked dinner again tonight and yesterday he washed my car. And he lets me use him as a pillow while he watches TV. And he is fun to talk to and make plans with, and he keeps the bed warm. He's the best boyfriend ever.
3) My dog died. My mother called last night to tell me. No one knows why. She just sat down and died. but then none of us has any idea how old she was. My mother did bury her in the Land Rover collar I bought her years ago. I imagine that the leash still sits downstairs, gathering dust like it has ever since I had to take the dog back to my mom's house.
So it's a short list.
1) I feel like I am wrapped in 30 pounds of bologna. If not bologna, then something equally heavy and unattractive. It's not that I think other people think my ass looks like a runaway Buick. No one has commented on this to date. It's just that I feel that way. But I did run today. And I will run tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. Until I can run that 5K, and then the half marathon in January. And then the Dublin Marathon in October 06. And I guarantee that by then I will not feel like this and all my clothes will be comfortably almost-too-big again.
2) Despite my discontent with the state of my body, I am quite content with someone else's. Should I leave it at that? Suffice it to say that I am more than satisfied. Not to mention that he cooked dinner again tonight and yesterday he washed my car. And he lets me use him as a pillow while he watches TV. And he is fun to talk to and make plans with, and he keeps the bed warm. He's the best boyfriend ever.
3) My dog died. My mother called last night to tell me. No one knows why. She just sat down and died. but then none of us has any idea how old she was. My mother did bury her in the Land Rover collar I bought her years ago. I imagine that the leash still sits downstairs, gathering dust like it has ever since I had to take the dog back to my mom's house.
So it's a short list.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
Today I had Planned
I was going to take some pictures today of the house, various bits of domestic bliss, etc, but it didn't happen. I got sidetracked playing with the boyfriend's floor scrubbing apparatus, and ended up claening all the floors in the house. I don't mind cleaning so much when I don't have to do it all the time, and when you can see an obvious difference when you get finished. He mowed the grass and fed his roses, and we walked down the street to a yard sale that the neighbors were having.
We went to lunch and had huge burgers with french fries. Not exactly what I should be eating if I plan to lose weight, but then I haven't really exercised today either. We then went grocery shopping. I have the new O Magazine. It's usually pretty good. I like it much more than Cosmo or the other fashion magazines that are pretty much big glossy ads and articles that make your IQ plummet on contact. Either that or they make you feel more hopelessly fat than you ever could on your own.
We are heading out for a night of drinks and laughing with our friends... so maybe tomorrow's blog will be more interesting.
We went to lunch and had huge burgers with french fries. Not exactly what I should be eating if I plan to lose weight, but then I haven't really exercised today either. We then went grocery shopping. I have the new O Magazine. It's usually pretty good. I like it much more than Cosmo or the other fashion magazines that are pretty much big glossy ads and articles that make your IQ plummet on contact. Either that or they make you feel more hopelessly fat than you ever could on your own.
We are heading out for a night of drinks and laughing with our friends... so maybe tomorrow's blog will be more interesting.
Friday, August 26, 2005
How Long Before Today is Over?
I have had a rough week. That's all there is to it. Last night was the first time I have slept well since the middle of last week, and even last night I didn't get to bed soon enough and I had to get out of bed well before I was ready.
My coffee was exceptionally good this morning, however. Too bad I drank it all and now I'm at work where there is no coffee at the moment.
Last night we went to L's FSU Club meeting. It was held in a very old, very pink house. There were tons of shrimp and crab legs and red wine, and needless to say I ate quite a bit. This morning I am starving, though, and definitely ready for a nap.
My coffee was exceptionally good this morning, however. Too bad I drank it all and now I'm at work where there is no coffee at the moment.
Last night we went to L's FSU Club meeting. It was held in a very old, very pink house. There were tons of shrimp and crab legs and red wine, and needless to say I ate quite a bit. This morning I am starving, though, and definitely ready for a nap.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
I Said The Wrong Thing
Obviously I said something I shouldn't have.. like the word m-o-r-t-g-a-g-e. The spam bots picked me up like nobody's business yesterday. 9 comments?? I knew something was up. I don't even have 9 readers! Sheesh. Now watch me get spammed again!
I have to do something about work. I love the job, and it is not the problem. The problem is that I can't seem to focus or get anything done. I try to look at it objectively and say that I haven't missed any deadlines (yet) and that no one is unhappy with my performance, except myself, of course. But it feels like pulling teeth to even get one task accomplished anymore. There is always something (or more than one something) there to distract me. I get so frustrated because I miss things and make stupid mistakes!
And I am going to accept that this is not my week. I went to lunch today with my colleagues, at a little place right down the road from the office. We eat there a good bit. But today.. never have I been so shocked by the blatant stupidity of the wait staff at a restaurant.
I ordered a ham and pineapple 7-inch pizza.. standard fare at this place. We get it every time we go. It's not like I asked for something complicated or different in any way. I just have to stress that. So the pizza comes, and it has mushrooms on it. I don't eat mushrooms as a general rule, because the texture of them in my mouth makes me gag. I can't help it. I really actually don't mind the flavor.. it's the way they feel going down. I have the same reaction to raw tomatoes and oysters of any variety.
Anyway, I tell the waiter that I didn't order mushrooms. He looks at me like, "so? what do you want me to do about it?" He squits at the ticket to see if somehow the word "mushrooms" had magically appeared next to my seat number. Nope. So I hand him my plate and say "I can't eat this. I'm sorry, but there is a reason why I never order mushrooms." For all he knew, I could have been violently allergic. Lucky as hell I am not, because he waited about 10 minutes and brought back...
...wait for it...
..the exact same pizza. He had obviously tried to pick the mushrooms off, but was unsuccessful, as they were underneath the cheese as well. In addition, he left visible fingerprints. But here's the real kicker. He stood at the counter and performed this operation in sight of the entire restaurant, without washing his hands.
I looked at my boss and bit my tongue so hard it now has a permanent groove. After 10 years or so in the restaurant industry myself, I was ready to rip him a new bodily orifice right then and there. I refrained, and waited another 15 minutes for a new pizza, which I was then charged for, in addition to being the object of this particular waiter's bitter glares for the rest of our meal.
I swear. Every day is another adventure.
L will be home tonight, at least. He should be rolling in around midnight. It's about time.
I have to do something about work. I love the job, and it is not the problem. The problem is that I can't seem to focus or get anything done. I try to look at it objectively and say that I haven't missed any deadlines (yet) and that no one is unhappy with my performance, except myself, of course. But it feels like pulling teeth to even get one task accomplished anymore. There is always something (or more than one something) there to distract me. I get so frustrated because I miss things and make stupid mistakes!
And I am going to accept that this is not my week. I went to lunch today with my colleagues, at a little place right down the road from the office. We eat there a good bit. But today.. never have I been so shocked by the blatant stupidity of the wait staff at a restaurant.
I ordered a ham and pineapple 7-inch pizza.. standard fare at this place. We get it every time we go. It's not like I asked for something complicated or different in any way. I just have to stress that. So the pizza comes, and it has mushrooms on it. I don't eat mushrooms as a general rule, because the texture of them in my mouth makes me gag. I can't help it. I really actually don't mind the flavor.. it's the way they feel going down. I have the same reaction to raw tomatoes and oysters of any variety.
Anyway, I tell the waiter that I didn't order mushrooms. He looks at me like, "so? what do you want me to do about it?" He squits at the ticket to see if somehow the word "mushrooms" had magically appeared next to my seat number. Nope. So I hand him my plate and say "I can't eat this. I'm sorry, but there is a reason why I never order mushrooms." For all he knew, I could have been violently allergic. Lucky as hell I am not, because he waited about 10 minutes and brought back...
...wait for it...
..the exact same pizza. He had obviously tried to pick the mushrooms off, but was unsuccessful, as they were underneath the cheese as well. In addition, he left visible fingerprints. But here's the real kicker. He stood at the counter and performed this operation in sight of the entire restaurant, without washing his hands.
I looked at my boss and bit my tongue so hard it now has a permanent groove. After 10 years or so in the restaurant industry myself, I was ready to rip him a new bodily orifice right then and there. I refrained, and waited another 15 minutes for a new pizza, which I was then charged for, in addition to being the object of this particular waiter's bitter glares for the rest of our meal.
I swear. Every day is another adventure.
L will be home tonight, at least. He should be rolling in around midnight. It's about time.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Backing Away Slowly
Every time I try to relax, my phone rings. Everyone seems to want or need something from me, even if it's just to scream in my ear for an hour or two.
Today while trying to work, I talked to both parties in what's shaping up to be a train wreck of a divorce. I went to lunch with their roommate, who is trying to deal with the fact that he has to live there and deal with the war that's going on.
After lunch my sister called about my niece and her case of potty mouth that has scored her a double detention. How to punish that? Jeez, I don't know. Kids repeat what they hear, no matter how old they are or where they hear it. And she only does it because she thinks it makes her cool in the eyes of the other kids. I did it too. I was much older before I realized that saying "fuck" every other word (not to mention saying "Jesus" too loudly.. I do live in the bible belt) only made me look like trailer trash.
Smart, successful women do not talk that way, after all. She'll realize that when she's older.
This is not to say that she shouldn't be read the riot act for saying "Jesus f-ing Christ" in front of her Spanish class. I just don't think I'd burn the house down over it.
And to top it all off, just as I was managing to focus on work again, my ex husband calls, telling me that he needs my financial information to send to the mortgage company. As if I am going to give him that. We are divorced and I am not responsible for his mortgage anymore. He even asked me to fill out the forms. He is the most helpless man I have ever met in my life. I can't imagine what ever made me think he was attractive in any way whatsoever.
So then M calls me on my drive home from work. He calls again as I am sitting down to dinner and talks for the better part of an hour. I will have to reimburse work for every one of those minutes. Not to mention that I sat there and watched my dinner congeal. But it's my own fault. I could have not answered the phone. I just have a thing about responding when people need me.
It's just that sometimes I get really pissed off because when I need to talk, people are miraculously unavailable.
Damn I wish L were home. No matter what, it is always possible to relax in his presence. Whether it's lying against his chest while he watches TV on the couch or reading books in bed before we go to sleep.. he always has that sense of quiet around him that makes me feel centered and not so much like an order of hash browns gone bad. (You guessed it.. I thought the word "scattered" again and the metaphor was unavoidable. Apologies!)
Hopefully he will be here tomorrow..
Today while trying to work, I talked to both parties in what's shaping up to be a train wreck of a divorce. I went to lunch with their roommate, who is trying to deal with the fact that he has to live there and deal with the war that's going on.
After lunch my sister called about my niece and her case of potty mouth that has scored her a double detention. How to punish that? Jeez, I don't know. Kids repeat what they hear, no matter how old they are or where they hear it. And she only does it because she thinks it makes her cool in the eyes of the other kids. I did it too. I was much older before I realized that saying "fuck" every other word (not to mention saying "Jesus" too loudly.. I do live in the bible belt) only made me look like trailer trash.
Smart, successful women do not talk that way, after all. She'll realize that when she's older.
This is not to say that she shouldn't be read the riot act for saying "Jesus f-ing Christ" in front of her Spanish class. I just don't think I'd burn the house down over it.
And to top it all off, just as I was managing to focus on work again, my ex husband calls, telling me that he needs my financial information to send to the mortgage company. As if I am going to give him that. We are divorced and I am not responsible for his mortgage anymore. He even asked me to fill out the forms. He is the most helpless man I have ever met in my life. I can't imagine what ever made me think he was attractive in any way whatsoever.
So then M calls me on my drive home from work. He calls again as I am sitting down to dinner and talks for the better part of an hour. I will have to reimburse work for every one of those minutes. Not to mention that I sat there and watched my dinner congeal. But it's my own fault. I could have not answered the phone. I just have a thing about responding when people need me.
It's just that sometimes I get really pissed off because when I need to talk, people are miraculously unavailable.
Damn I wish L were home. No matter what, it is always possible to relax in his presence. Whether it's lying against his chest while he watches TV on the couch or reading books in bed before we go to sleep.. he always has that sense of quiet around him that makes me feel centered and not so much like an order of hash browns gone bad. (You guessed it.. I thought the word "scattered" again and the metaphor was unavoidable. Apologies!)
Hopefully he will be here tomorrow..
Monday, August 22, 2005
And on a Lighter Note..
After all that talk about a nasty situation, I need something else, something lighter to cleanse the palate, so to speak. How about the fact that L's dogs escaped today? I went out to feed them only to find that I had inadvertently locked myself out of the house from the back. The front door was open, but to get there I had to go out the side gate.
Well apparently the side gate didn't get latched securely enough because the next thing I know when I go out to put the dogs in their crates, they have disappeared and the gate is hanging open. Of course Denver, the big red dog came bounding right back to me, his tail wagging in complete circles, tongue lolling in a big mischevous doggy grin. It was Barnie who decided to be evil.
The more I called him, the faster he ran. I chased him all the way through the neighborhood, terrified that he would be hit by a car or something. Finally a kid caught him for me after we cornered him in someone else's yard.
Now they are in their crates and Monster is inside, sitting primly on L's desk washing his paws. He is not overly fond of his condo, but I don't think he hates it either. At least there's that.
Well apparently the side gate didn't get latched securely enough because the next thing I know when I go out to put the dogs in their crates, they have disappeared and the gate is hanging open. Of course Denver, the big red dog came bounding right back to me, his tail wagging in complete circles, tongue lolling in a big mischevous doggy grin. It was Barnie who decided to be evil.
The more I called him, the faster he ran. I chased him all the way through the neighborhood, terrified that he would be hit by a car or something. Finally a kid caught him for me after we cornered him in someone else's yard.
Now they are in their crates and Monster is inside, sitting primly on L's desk washing his paws. He is not overly fond of his condo, but I don't think he hates it either. At least there's that.
Soap Operatic
I am so tired today. I feel like someone has just sucked out all of my energy, like I'm an empty skin that keeps flopping around trying to do things, but can't figure out what the hell it's trying to do. Weird, I know, but that's how this day has been.
This thing with M & H really has me stressed out, for several reasons. First, because I care about them, and second because I'm so shocked and disappointed at what is happening. Third because there seems to be some inclination to drag me into it, and fourth because my own melodrama of a divorce is not too far behind me. Fifth, because I love the horses, especially my Gracie, and the chances of my ever being able to buy her are approaching nil at this point.
I talked to H today, and was pretty much floored at the dizzying range of emotions she exhibited in the course of a 20-minute conversation. She went from normal to sobbing to vindictive and threatening and back to normal in what seemed like unbelievable time. To tell the truth, she really kind of pissed me off. She denies that she did anything at all, and says that M is making it all up, which doesn't really make sense to me. What would be his motive?
But hey, it's really none of my business, right? I am just trying to be a good friend. I do care about her.. but I get the feeling that she doesn't care about anyone but herself. In the next minute she was purring that e-mails could be misconstrued and that she could easily make the case that Mark was having an affair with me because of one email that he wrote to me about a month ago, in which he thanked me for my friendship and for trying to help the two of them.
That crawled right up my ass and camped out, lemme tell you. I don't care how nice he is, or how much we might have in common, the fact that he is married puts him off limits. I don't think I could ever look at him that way, never mind that I am in love with someone else. I have no desire to cheat, on anybody, ever, and she has known me long enough to know that.
She started talking about how she was going to ruin him, make him lose his job, take his invention and make sure he never succeeds in life, and that anyone who didn't try to stop him from telling anyone else about this whole fiasco, she was going to retaliate against. This was a very thinly veiled threat, to which I replied the only way I knew how..
I have already been through hell with my own divorce, and I have no intention of going through yours. Thanks anyway.
She wanted to know whether I had actually seen the emails in question, to which I replied that I don't like to go rubbernecking at car accidents, and it's really the same thing to me. It's ugly and it smells bad and I don't want anything to do with it.
And then suddenly we were back to normal-land, and she was saying that I was welcome to still come ride anytime I wanted. It frankly freaks me out.
After talking to both of them today, I feel scattered and brittle like Waffle House hash browns (I couldn't resist that reference.. when I typed "Scattered" I was already hopelessly committed to a WH metaphor. Sorry. I truly am.) Seriously, I am really more anxious about it than I should be. I know that there is nothing there that involves me, other than the fact that they were there for me, and I am trying to return the favor. I do wish L were home though. I really miss him.
This thing with M & H really has me stressed out, for several reasons. First, because I care about them, and second because I'm so shocked and disappointed at what is happening. Third because there seems to be some inclination to drag me into it, and fourth because my own melodrama of a divorce is not too far behind me. Fifth, because I love the horses, especially my Gracie, and the chances of my ever being able to buy her are approaching nil at this point.
I talked to H today, and was pretty much floored at the dizzying range of emotions she exhibited in the course of a 20-minute conversation. She went from normal to sobbing to vindictive and threatening and back to normal in what seemed like unbelievable time. To tell the truth, she really kind of pissed me off. She denies that she did anything at all, and says that M is making it all up, which doesn't really make sense to me. What would be his motive?
But hey, it's really none of my business, right? I am just trying to be a good friend. I do care about her.. but I get the feeling that she doesn't care about anyone but herself. In the next minute she was purring that e-mails could be misconstrued and that she could easily make the case that Mark was having an affair with me because of one email that he wrote to me about a month ago, in which he thanked me for my friendship and for trying to help the two of them.
That crawled right up my ass and camped out, lemme tell you. I don't care how nice he is, or how much we might have in common, the fact that he is married puts him off limits. I don't think I could ever look at him that way, never mind that I am in love with someone else. I have no desire to cheat, on anybody, ever, and she has known me long enough to know that.
She started talking about how she was going to ruin him, make him lose his job, take his invention and make sure he never succeeds in life, and that anyone who didn't try to stop him from telling anyone else about this whole fiasco, she was going to retaliate against. This was a very thinly veiled threat, to which I replied the only way I knew how..
I have already been through hell with my own divorce, and I have no intention of going through yours. Thanks anyway.
She wanted to know whether I had actually seen the emails in question, to which I replied that I don't like to go rubbernecking at car accidents, and it's really the same thing to me. It's ugly and it smells bad and I don't want anything to do with it.
And then suddenly we were back to normal-land, and she was saying that I was welcome to still come ride anytime I wanted. It frankly freaks me out.
After talking to both of them today, I feel scattered and brittle like Waffle House hash browns (I couldn't resist that reference.. when I typed "Scattered" I was already hopelessly committed to a WH metaphor. Sorry. I truly am.) Seriously, I am really more anxious about it than I should be. I know that there is nothing there that involves me, other than the fact that they were there for me, and I am trying to return the favor. I do wish L were home though. I really miss him.
The End of the Beginning
Last night I had a long conversation with a dear friend of mine, and I've really been thinking about it all night. Needless to say I did not sleep well.
So here's what happened. Earlier this weekend, he found a whole sheaf of emails from his wife (also a friend of mine) to another man. This is obviously and unquestionably an affair, but she is denying it, telling him it was just an inside joke. I'm sorry, but nobody jokes that way. "I miss you and I can't wait to see you again" and "I wish you were here with me tonight" are not statements you make to someone of the opposite sex as a joke. Neither are statements like "Tonight was awesome" and "This is a dream come true."
He has confronted her with it, and some sort of fight started in which she tried to kick his nuts in and called the police on him for domestic violence, even though he says he never even tried to defend himself. I feel so sad for him because I know where he's at right now. I know how bad it hurts when someone you love not only doesn't love you back, but also rubs your face in it.
He's a pretty intense guy, too, which could make the situation immensely nastier in the end, because he's copied God and everybody on all of those emails, and he's read them probably a million times. I asked him last night when he was going to stop torturing himself with them. I know I would never have wanted a blow-by-blow of my ex-husband's exploits. Just knowing about it in a vague sense tore me apart.
I am so disappointed by this. I really wanted them to be able to work it out. He loves her so much.. And she hasn't a clue what she has, or how many other women would love to have someone like him in their lives, or how rare it is to have someone love you like that. But the things that turn her head are ambition and money, neither of which M has.
I just can't believe that she'd do something like this. I really did admire her. She was involved in the church, singing in the choir, going to bible studies, seeming to really try to be a good person. I thought she had a handle on what's right and wrong. I thought she was strong and had some integrity. And she didn't even have the decency to leave him before she started a relationship with another man. After 12 years, I think she'd at least owe him that.
But hell, I know it's none of my business. I certainly don't want to get dragged into it. It's volatile enough already. He did say last night that she had told another friend of theirs that she had emails from him to me saying that he loved me. The funny thing there is that I imagine she does have. He wrote me an email a month or so ago thanking me for trying to help them, and for my friendship. I thought it was a very nice email, and I responded that I loved him and H too, and that I would never forget the way they helped me get through the divorce.
The idea that she'd even bring that up in this context makes me sick. Maybe it's righteous indignation, and maybe it's something else, but that's one of those things that takes you aback and makes you want to stay as far distant from it as possible. I might have my shortcomings and I'm certainly not even remotely near perfect, but one thing I can say with no doubt: I would never cheat on anyone.
Hell, J deserved to be cheated on, and I still couldn't do it. I don't know what might be going through her head, but I won't be dragged into this. I just hope I can keep my friends through this. I hate situations like this. :(
So here's what happened. Earlier this weekend, he found a whole sheaf of emails from his wife (also a friend of mine) to another man. This is obviously and unquestionably an affair, but she is denying it, telling him it was just an inside joke. I'm sorry, but nobody jokes that way. "I miss you and I can't wait to see you again" and "I wish you were here with me tonight" are not statements you make to someone of the opposite sex as a joke. Neither are statements like "Tonight was awesome" and "This is a dream come true."
He has confronted her with it, and some sort of fight started in which she tried to kick his nuts in and called the police on him for domestic violence, even though he says he never even tried to defend himself. I feel so sad for him because I know where he's at right now. I know how bad it hurts when someone you love not only doesn't love you back, but also rubs your face in it.
He's a pretty intense guy, too, which could make the situation immensely nastier in the end, because he's copied God and everybody on all of those emails, and he's read them probably a million times. I asked him last night when he was going to stop torturing himself with them. I know I would never have wanted a blow-by-blow of my ex-husband's exploits. Just knowing about it in a vague sense tore me apart.
I am so disappointed by this. I really wanted them to be able to work it out. He loves her so much.. And she hasn't a clue what she has, or how many other women would love to have someone like him in their lives, or how rare it is to have someone love you like that. But the things that turn her head are ambition and money, neither of which M has.
I just can't believe that she'd do something like this. I really did admire her. She was involved in the church, singing in the choir, going to bible studies, seeming to really try to be a good person. I thought she had a handle on what's right and wrong. I thought she was strong and had some integrity. And she didn't even have the decency to leave him before she started a relationship with another man. After 12 years, I think she'd at least owe him that.
But hell, I know it's none of my business. I certainly don't want to get dragged into it. It's volatile enough already. He did say last night that she had told another friend of theirs that she had emails from him to me saying that he loved me. The funny thing there is that I imagine she does have. He wrote me an email a month or so ago thanking me for trying to help them, and for my friendship. I thought it was a very nice email, and I responded that I loved him and H too, and that I would never forget the way they helped me get through the divorce.
The idea that she'd even bring that up in this context makes me sick. Maybe it's righteous indignation, and maybe it's something else, but that's one of those things that takes you aback and makes you want to stay as far distant from it as possible. I might have my shortcomings and I'm certainly not even remotely near perfect, but one thing I can say with no doubt: I would never cheat on anyone.
Hell, J deserved to be cheated on, and I still couldn't do it. I don't know what might be going through her head, but I won't be dragged into this. I just hope I can keep my friends through this. I hate situations like this. :(
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Like a Blast From the Past, Only Different
It's 9pm and I feel like it's 3 in the morning or something. I am so tired after this weekend! Last night I had a slumber party, just like the old days. Well not just like the old days. We skipped the sleeping bags and little-girl spats. We skipped the toothpaste in bras, and putting the hand of the first to fall asleep in warm water. We opted instead for good food, red wine, and lots of conversation. The only thing that marred the evening was that we couldn't get the DVD player to work, and we wanted to watch Miss Congeniality.
Several of my friends stayed all day today, too. We watched "Ray" on HBO and talked and ordered pizza. It was a non-productive day, but quite relaxing. One of my friends brought me candles as a sort of hostess gift.. she knows how much I love the smell of lavendar. They are honeysuckle and lavendar candles, and at this moment the whole house smells delicious.
After they left I picked up my guitar and played a bit, then wrote 2 songs. Actually I finished one and wrote another. I am proud of them both. One is a flat-out country song, and the other is the first sincere, happy love song I have ever written. Neither have titles as yet, but then titles were never my strong point.
The cat and the dogs cohabitated in the garage last night without barking or breaking out of their respective crates and ripping each other to shreds, although the dogs did start howling halfway through the night, as usual. I am used to it, but my friends are not, so I had to explain what the eerie noise was. They look so funny when they howl though, almost like they are singing. Their little noses point straight up; one dog sings alto, and the other soprano.
I can understand L's attachment to the dogs, though. They are very good company. Today they spent most of the day outside, and the Monster stayed inside, but he had another of his hissing, screeching, wild-eyed fits, and would not come out of the office all day. He lay on a shelf in the closet almost all day, his front feet tucked under his furry chest, looking like a loaf of cat and hissing at anyone who came near. He is now outside in his condo, and has finally given up on yowling at me for putting him out there.
And I miss L. This place is great, but it's awfully quiet without him.
Several of my friends stayed all day today, too. We watched "Ray" on HBO and talked and ordered pizza. It was a non-productive day, but quite relaxing. One of my friends brought me candles as a sort of hostess gift.. she knows how much I love the smell of lavendar. They are honeysuckle and lavendar candles, and at this moment the whole house smells delicious.
After they left I picked up my guitar and played a bit, then wrote 2 songs. Actually I finished one and wrote another. I am proud of them both. One is a flat-out country song, and the other is the first sincere, happy love song I have ever written. Neither have titles as yet, but then titles were never my strong point.
The cat and the dogs cohabitated in the garage last night without barking or breaking out of their respective crates and ripping each other to shreds, although the dogs did start howling halfway through the night, as usual. I am used to it, but my friends are not, so I had to explain what the eerie noise was. They look so funny when they howl though, almost like they are singing. Their little noses point straight up; one dog sings alto, and the other soprano.
I can understand L's attachment to the dogs, though. They are very good company. Today they spent most of the day outside, and the Monster stayed inside, but he had another of his hissing, screeching, wild-eyed fits, and would not come out of the office all day. He lay on a shelf in the closet almost all day, his front feet tucked under his furry chest, looking like a loaf of cat and hissing at anyone who came near. He is now outside in his condo, and has finally given up on yowling at me for putting him out there.
And I miss L. This place is great, but it's awfully quiet without him.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
At midnight, this is what I have, after a frantic search for a drill that works, a heated argument with the aforementioned skilsaw, and at last, another grudging trip to Lowe's, where a sweaty, balding-but-not-in-a-sexy-way salesman disparaged my hardware choices and gazed at my breasts like a Labrador retriever at a big juicy steak. But I digress. It's over half done! Yippee!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Here's Hoping
I spent $111 on my cat today. I bought all of the materials to build his little habitat thing, and got started marking all of the wood and stapling the carpet to the shelf pieces. Never fear, I will post pictures.
But I'm afraid this isn't going to be one of my more interesting blog entries, because I am tired. My boyfriend has gone to Tally for the week on business, and I am holding down the fort with my evil cat and his two doggies, who are extremely confused as to where their dad has gone off to. They keep looking at me as if to say, "I know you're hiding him somewhere. What gives?"
Denver, the one in the picture I posted earlier, keeps jumping up and down with his front paws, a big doggy smile on his face. I can't figure out what is making him so excited or happy, but I already fed him.
*sigh*
But L is gone. For a whole week!! And I didn't even have time to jump his bones this morning. I sincerely wish I had. The fact that he doesn't talk to me is a little frustrating, but he does open up if you give him enough hell about it. And when I came home today, he had left out some salmon to thaw for me, for dinner.
I am aware that some women would not consider that a big deal. Some may even view it as personal commentary, I don't know. But to me, it's very sweet that he thinks of me, that even though he is on his way out of town and has to load his stuff and make sure he doesn't forget anything important (like his dress clothes, which he has done before, he tells me), he still thinks about me needing dinner. Need I tell you how much of an improvement that is from my marriage? Didn't think so.
In other news, I went to the doc today. No diganosis yet.. but when I get one I'll be sure and blog it. Stay tuned over the next few days for the great kittyland construction project.
But I'm afraid this isn't going to be one of my more interesting blog entries, because I am tired. My boyfriend has gone to Tally for the week on business, and I am holding down the fort with my evil cat and his two doggies, who are extremely confused as to where their dad has gone off to. They keep looking at me as if to say, "I know you're hiding him somewhere. What gives?"
Denver, the one in the picture I posted earlier, keeps jumping up and down with his front paws, a big doggy smile on his face. I can't figure out what is making him so excited or happy, but I already fed him.
*sigh*
But L is gone. For a whole week!! And I didn't even have time to jump his bones this morning. I sincerely wish I had. The fact that he doesn't talk to me is a little frustrating, but he does open up if you give him enough hell about it. And when I came home today, he had left out some salmon to thaw for me, for dinner.
I am aware that some women would not consider that a big deal. Some may even view it as personal commentary, I don't know. But to me, it's very sweet that he thinks of me, that even though he is on his way out of town and has to load his stuff and make sure he doesn't forget anything important (like his dress clothes, which he has done before, he tells me), he still thinks about me needing dinner. Need I tell you how much of an improvement that is from my marriage? Didn't think so.
In other news, I went to the doc today. No diganosis yet.. but when I get one I'll be sure and blog it. Stay tuned over the next few days for the great kittyland construction project.
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